No Solution

The good news is that I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. I feel like I've at least made it to that. The bad news is that I'm trying to plan a suicide again. I say again because there have been mutilple attempts here in the last three years due to a divorce and a medical condition. I was very close to suceeding in September 2015 but my sister found me and called EMTs who saved my life. I lied about it at the time because I saw how freaked out she was, so I didn't get help then.

Now I live in the boonies without a working car. I'm isolated most of the time. Sometimes I go a week to ten days without getting out of the house at all. I'm a right leg amputee, but recently had surgery on my left foot which hurts like hellas it's healing. I had surgery on my amp at the same time and my doctor advised to stay off both as much as possible. People don't really come to see me, not my kids, who live with their mother, or my sister or my friends too much. I live in solitary for all intents and purposes. I'm isolated. Thanks God for the internet~

I've been in the hospital twice for suicide attempts in the last year and a half and I'm trying to figure out how to do my death better. I kinda suck at suicide. I long for blackness to come over me and to cease being, to not feel anymore pain, both physical and mental.

I'm really just venting. I'll make it through tonight and will go see my dc tomorrow. If I tell her this, I have a feeling I'll be back in the hospital.

Well, you should tell the doctor about your suicidal thoughts and see if there's anything he can do. I would guess you're depressed because of your condition, and there may be some drugs or therapy he can recommend. Your local community may have visiting nurses that can come out or social workers who can hook you up with transportation. Maybe you can go live with family, just to get out of the house and have some social interaction. Maybe you need a hobby or a pet to give you something to hang on to. But definitely tell you doc about it.

Oddly, I couldn't see the doctor today. I ent in for my appointment and instead they sent me to an office manager who said that since I missed my last appointment (which I had to cancel as I was in the hospital for surgery) I would have to go through the intake process again. The losest appointment for that in March 27th. I told the offie manager I was struggling and she said if I was suicidal I should go to the ER at the hospital. This is a state agency. I can't afford another place, so that's no good.

That was terrible of them, since they must know your history? Do you have the suicide hotline number ?

They are available 24/7 to take calls and try to help you. I saw recently you just reunited with your kids. Let them be your motivation to work through this. It's common to feel suicidal not because you really want to die, but because you want the pain you feel and the problems to end. You have been through a great deal, all in a short period of time. Please don't give up, there's reason to live,even though you might now feel like there is right now. I lost my family over dating my last ex because of my previous ex who slandered me and the guy because I escaped him. Then I got dumped by him. I lost a lot in a short period of time. Plus my grandma died and a good friend. I had the loss you feel for a bit, I know the feeling of being hopeless, but inside all of us, there's an inner strength we just need to pull out, and when we do, we can get better, day by day. I hope you can find this within yourself. Please hang in there.