First Date Blues

So I have been talking to this guy from bumble for a month. Texting almost daily, he's even called me on the phone to talk. His work schedule and my work and school schedule did not match up for a month, until we finally made a plan to meet. He kept telling me how excited he was for the day. We started flirting more. I know I shouldn't and I tried not to, but I felt like by us talking and me putting myself out there for the month, that I invested a little bit. Planning the date was weird. He wanted to come to my area. I said okay and suggested some places to have dinner. He picked one, and then was saying how he should plan our date. Seemed like he was trying to be the man and step up and make it good. I was impressed by this. The night before the date, we are texting. He knows I like this certain tv show. He then mentions how maybe we can watch a few episodes tomorrow.

The first thing that pops into my head is him coming to my house, which I found weird. I wouldn't let him pick me up. He offered, which was nice and he was understanding that he was a stranger. I immediately assumed he wanted to come to my house and watch the shows. On a first date? Still a stranger, and not sure if I want that person in my house, knowing where I live, or thinking I will sleep with him. So I nicely tell him, we will have to see how it goes, but that he is a stranger so I am not so sure about that. He says he totally gets it and we babbled on all night.

The next night comes. We meet. We sit at the bar and eat dinner. He immediately starts asking me about my work, likes, dislikes, etc... At times it was a quiet awkwardness. I didn't know if he was nervous, shy, or if it was me. I felt like I was putting myself out there. I was shy, but I gave him a lot to work with. I was quirky. I felt I wasn't quite getting the same back. He was nice. He answered my questions, but his answers weren't unique or anything I could run with to keep it going. He insisted on paying, which was nice. And the n he suggested we take a walk. I thought this was a good sign, since he could have wanted to leave after dinner, so he clearly didn't want to. We walked for over an hour. It was a bit boring. We talked. He teased me. That was all fine, but I felt like he was distracted. I was totally engaged in us, him, our conversation. He would suddenly start pointing out something he was seeing, a mannequin in a stare window, a group of people. Made me think he wasn't paying attention to me. I even made a joke out of it. He claimed he was, and then even brought up things I was saying to him later on. I felt like us walking and walking was kind of boring. And then I remembered him saying he wanted to plan our date etc.. but he really didn't plan anything. Then I felt guilty for not planning it myself and making it more interesting.

We parted ways. He hugged me, told me we would coordinate something else, and then told me his work this month was crazy.

I then said my work was busy too, and that he can text me, and he wished me good luck on something important I had on Monday, which is today. Date was on friday night.

I text him when I get home, saying I had a good time, that it was nice meeting him. He says the same. But then nothing. I then say I wish I had thought of it, and how we could have gone bowling instead of the walk, since it was cheap bowling night and it was right down the street. He said that would have been fun. I said sorry and how it split my mind. He says hindsight is always 20/20. I fall asleep. I text him in the morning on how I passed out hard and we should plan bowling for another time. He comments on my passing out. I make a comment. It was random. He never responds. He was busy working so I didn't bother him saturday all day. Sunday comes, and I know he is working again, but he usually messages me at some point. I send him a snapchat and he says nothing.

Monday today comes, and I am almost positive he is off all day. He usually messages me and wants to talk. Nothing all day. I message him tonight and say I hope he had a good day. He says "You too, and good luck tonight at your thing."

He remembered. I would think someone who wasn't interested would not even point out that. They would just say "you too" and call it a text.

I text him when I am done and say how relieving it is. I then ask how his day was and what did he do? Nothing. I get nothing from him.

I don't know if I am overthinking, or he is avoiding me now? I don't know what went wrong. We hit it off so well texting and on the phone beforehand, and the date was just luke warm. He was sweet, nice, and it wasn't a big deal. It wasn't a terrible date. It was average. I would like to see him again. See if maybe we are both less shy and nervous, because we have now met.

I'm driving myself crazy over this. Its not bad, it wasn't fireworks. Not sure how to take this guy.

Based on your last very long thread, you over-text. You seem to get attached to these men through texting and then base everything on how often they text, how quickly they respond, etc. And being this invested after ONE date is a bit much.

I'm afraid this will turn out like work guy...getting super attached and then super disappointed when things don't turn out the way you hoped because you expend so much effort into texting.

Can you try to reign it in? It was ONE date and a few words on a screen. Give the guy a minute!

I just thought he would be excited to keep talking to me after, since he said he is busy and we will have to coordinate another something another time. I think since I really couldn't gauge him on the date. I couldn't tell if it was terrible and he didn't like me, or if he was shy and really like me, I am seeking that answer through communications and texting. Also, can't understand why he was all over me daily in text before the date, and now he seems more withdrawn.

Maybe I am overthinking. I should back off? I am just trying to talk as we were before, which was so good.

Again, why so much emphasis on texting?

He texted you in the beginning because you were trying to set up a meet. You met, now the next logical step (if both you are interested) would be setting up another date.

Why are you so focused on finding a texting buddy? That didn't work for you last time, so I would think you'd value in-person interaction more as a lesson learned.

Yes you are over-thinking but, more importantly, you are way over-texting!

Seriously, amkxoxo, you had one date, give the guy some space (as bolt said) to wonder about you a bit. And think about the date. It builds attraction.

I think sending the text after the date saying you had a good time was fine, but you should have left it there, until he texted asking you out again. Even if it was a few days later.

Also, maybe it's me but I literally cringed at this part (below).

 

I text him when I get home, saying I had a good time, that it was nice meeting him. He says the same. But then nothing. I then say I wish I had thought of it, and how we could have gone bowling instead of the walk, since it was cheap bowling night and it was right down the street.

The guy probably felt like crap after you said that. HE planned the date, He suggested the walk, but clearly by announcing you should have gone bowling instead, you essentially told him he planned a crap date!

Please don't ever do this again amk. It's deflating and again probably made him feel like total crap.

If you like the guy, show some enthusiasm with how the date went, NOT suggest you should have done something else even if you felt that way.

Later on, should you continue dating and get into a relationship, by all means tell him perhaps you should have done something else. And plan it for next time.

But this was your first date, your first time meeting!

Yeah, I see a repeat of what happened with the last guy, the guy before him, and the guy before him, etc etc etc.

Have you read any of the books some of us suggested on your other thread re interpersonal relationships and the like?

Not to sound snarky, but if not, I suggest you do.

Stop texting. he is not interested. In the future, wait for people to respond, if they don't, then don't send another text. You start to look desperate.

You do not really sound like you liked the guy. I would delete his info and move on. Sorry, but he does not sound interested.

Coming to your home is code for sex. You made the right decision.

I also agree with the comment on the "bowling." Bad move. Keep it positive.

Stop texting. he is not interested. In the future, wait for people to respond, if they don't, then don't send another text. You start to look desperate.

 

You do not really sound like you liked the guy. I would delete his info and move on. Sorry, but he does not sound interested.

 

Coming to your home is code for sex. You made the right decision.

 

I also agree with the comment on the "bowling." Bad move. Keep it positive.

That's what I think as well. What I noticed is some guys text you a lot before meeting because they want sex. If you go on a date or 2 and you aren't giving up the goodies, the guy stops being as attentive. This also happens when you sleep w/them and they just wanted sex. Do not get attached so soon, otherwise you will be disappointed a lot. I feel into that trap and ended up regretting falling for the guy so soon. Guys who want sex do this on purpose, draw you in and hope you'll give into anything to keep them.

As the others have said, stop texting so much.

When a guy is interested, he will volley back and keep the connection going. This one isn't doing so, so I would say it's safe to assume he also felt the date was so-so and isn't interested in a repeat.

Nothing wrong with texting. I like a girl who texts me and if I like her then its even better. I don't plane the original poster. I just think the guy lost interest.

You can only control the controllables. Just be yourself AMKx0xo39. Don't change a thing about who you are for anybody.

Nothing wrong with texting. I like a girl who texts me and if I like her then its even better. I don't plane the original poster. I just think the guy lost interest.

 

You can only control the controllables. Just be yourself AMKx0xo39. Don't change a thing about who you are for anybody.

Is it safe to assume if you liked a girl, you'd be texting her back and continuing to ask her out?

Or do you prefer to just sit back enjoying all her texts (attention) with no or little reciprocation like this guy is doing?

I get some guys like being chased, but even they make an effort to respond back.

amkxoxo, like your last thread, doubt you will listen, but on the off chance you are, if you want more success in your dating life, for the love of * stop pushing.

Stop trying to force something.

Stop competing for control.

Stop trying so hard!

I read a post once by a guy who said his *wife* hardly even spoke during the first three weeks they were dating!

Yet through her body language and the feminine energy she exuded, he KNEW how into him she was!

It oozed from her pores, she didn't have to do a damn thing.

Unless you want to be the masculine energy, let a man be a man. Let him pursue you in these very early stages. Be responsive to his pursuit.

Show enthusiasm for the dates he plans, DON'T deflate him by saying you should have done something else more fun, good gawd.

Stop texting so much especially when you get little back.

This has all been explained to you before, many many times, yet here you are once again on your way to repeating these same mistakes that either get you friendzoned, strung along or ghosted.

Aren't you tired of all the BS?

You are the common denominator, change starts within you.

Going forward remember this - the interest and effort should be reciprocal.

The story you just shared seemed very on sided. You initiated every contact and he responded 50 % of the time.

It's ok to initiate but you need to learn to pick up clues and allow him to meet you half way and match your efforts by initiating contact himself.

This one's not interested and if he might have been your eagerness may come off as a little insecure.

Texting and chatting is not as important as in person chemistry. It seems you are both multidating and quite busy. In the future try to meet asap and limit this much texting. Some dates are just so-so and/or one-and-done. let him contact you since you left the ball in his court. Do not try to do relationship-level texting/communication before or right after just one date.

the date was just luke warm. He was sweet, nice, and it wasn't a big deal. It wasn't a terrible date. It was average.

The next night comes. We meet. We sit at the bar and eat dinner. He immediately starts asking me about my work, likes, dislikes, etc... At times it was a quiet awkwardness. I didn't know if he was nervous, shy, or if it was me. I felt like I was putting myself out there. I was shy, but I gave him a lot to work with. I was quirky. I felt I wasn't quite getting the same back. He was nice. He answered my questions, but his answers weren't unique or anything I could run with to keep it going. He insisted on paying, which was nice. And the n he suggested we take a walk. I thought this was a good sign, since he could have wanted to leave after dinner, so he clearly didn't want to. We walked for over an hour. It was a bit boring. We talked. He teased me. That was all fine, but I felt like he was distracted. I was totally engaged in us, him, our conversation. He would suddenly start pointing out something he was seeing, a mannequin in a stare window, a group of people. Made me think he wasn't paying attention to me. I even made a joke out of it. He claimed he was, and then even brought up things I was saying to him later on. I felt like us walking and walking was kind of boring. And then I remembered him saying he wanted to plan our date etc.. but he really didn't plan anything. Then I felt guilty for not planning it myself and making it more interesting.

Ok, so I'm going to be a Negative Nancy here, but it doesn't really sound like the first date was that great. The in person chemistry sounds like it wasn't really there, at least as far as the conversation went. You can talk and text for a month before meeting, but it's not really the same as being in the same room and feeling whatever's going on there, romantically in person. I suspect he's on the fence about a second date. You've already texted him a few times to express your interest, so now leave the ball in his court. I agree with Kat that you shouldn't have said the "we should have gone bowling instead of walking" thing. It's better to phrase it like, "hey - do you like bowling? There is a place near me that has a great bowling night. We can try that sometime."

I am fairly certain OP knows he's not all that interested.

She isn't either.

But, given her history, this is precisely what propels her forward.

Getting a disinterested man to become interested in her. She's posted about it many many times.

She will literally do whatever it takes to accomplish this.

Thinking up funny little one-liners, being as entertaining, cute and "quirky" as she can be, texting ad naursem.

The sad part is, as with this guy, she doesn't even have to like "him" all that much, her only goal is getting him to be interested in her!

That's the intrigue, the challenge. It has never worked, but through hell and high water, she will continue trying!

I don't know if there is any advice for this.

Many of us have tried but her issues run a bit deeper imho.

Worth considering and exploring OP.

Ok, so I'm going to be a Negative Nancy here, but it doesn't really sound like the first date was that great. The in person chemistry sounds like it wasn't really there, at least as far as the conversation went. You can talk and text for a month before meeting, but it's not really the same as being in the same room and feeling whatever's going on there, romantically in person. I suspect he's on the fence about a second date. You've already texted him a few times to express your interest, so now leave the ball in his court. I agree with Kat that you shouldn't have said the "we should have gone bowling instead of walking" thing. It's better to phrase it like, "hey - do you like bowling? There is a place near me that has a great bowling night. We can try that sometime."

I agree and with Katrina and the others about your over-texting with a near stranger. You met once in person. He did not plan an official first date -time and place while on the date. You I am sure said thank you on the date and showed appreciation. Why text at all? Why the transparent "thank you" text and all the follow up? If a man doesn't ask you out on a date after he meets you assume there is no next date -especially after a first meet -unless and until he calls you. If you are going to text, text to ask him out on a date to meet you in person. "Busy" means nothing. My husband made a plan with me two weeks in advance for our first real date after getting back together because he was traveling for work and ridiculously busy at work for the next two weeks and wanted to make sure we had a plan in place. He is always hugely busy and was during the years we dated. Irrelevant if someone wants to see you other than timing -if a person is out of town he has to wait of course till he's back.

If walking and talking was boring then that's your probable answer - that you two are not a match. Yes, if you found him pleasant to be around another date would not be a mistake - everyone has an off night - but it's kind of bizarre that you're chasing him down when you weren't that into him and found him boring to talk with for an hour or so.

I really have taken all of your insigjt into account. I deleted his number and am moving on to someone more interesting and wanting to meet earlier on.

I think I was letting feelings pre-date cloud my feelings of date. He wasn't very interesting. He didn't really plan anything good or interesting. He didn't match with me. And yes, in my typical fashion, I ran after him right after, because I felt I put such a good step forward and what wasn't to like?

But I have been thinking a lot more, and realize he wasn't for me. Immeditely telling me how busy he is, and I don't want that.

So I have gone back online, and casually started talking to a few guys whom have shown effort and interest. Two, have asked me out after one week. Already a good sign.

What I guess I am unsure about I, today is friday. One asked me out wednesday. We said saturday. Okay. But he has been talking to me and no plan has been made for tomorrow yet. The other guy asked me out last night. I said yes. He asked when I was free. I said Saturday or Sunday. He said okay, and that we will make a plan tomorrow, now today for a meet up.

I feel trapped, while also confused. I have potential open plans with two guys, but really no plans at all. Is this normal?

Plus now, I feel bad because whichever one makes a solid plan with me first gets me tomorrow night. And then I have to tell the other I am busy. But I felt I was still open, since neither one made a direct plan with me, so I felt making myself available and not telling guy two I was busy Saturday was okay.

Not sure about this situation.

Yes it's normal when starting to date. It takes time to schedule things better. Try to make them coffee dates or meeting for drinks. Be clear on when your free/willing to meet. Don't hesitate to tell whoever that something came up so this/that day is better.

I feel trapped, while also confused. I have potential open plans with two guys, but really no plans at all. Is this normal?

I really have taken all of your insigjt into account. I deleted his number and am moving on to someone more interesting and wanting to meet earlier on.

 

I think I was letting feelings pre-date cloud my feelings of date. He wasn't very interesting. He didn't really plan anything good or interesting. He didn't match with me. And yes, in my typical fashion, I ran after him right after, because I felt I put such a good step forward and what wasn't to like?

 

But I have been thinking a lot more, and realize he wasn't for me. Immeditely telling me how busy he is, and I don't want that.

 

So I have gone back online, and casually started talking to a few guys whom have shown effort and interest. Two, have asked me out after one week. Already a good sign.

 

What I guess I am unsure about I, today is friday. One asked me out wednesday. We said saturday. Okay. But he has been talking to me and no plan has been made for tomorrow yet. The other guy asked me out last night. I said yes. He asked when I was free. I said Saturday or Sunday. He said okay, and that we will make a plan tomorrow, now today for a meet up.

 

I feel trapped, while also confused. I have potential open plans with two guys, but really no plans at all. Is this normal?

 

Plus now, I feel bad because whichever one makes a solid plan with me first gets me tomorrow night. And then I have to tell the other I am busy. But I felt I was still open, since neither one made a direct plan with me, so I felt making myself available and not telling guy two I was busy Saturday was okay.

 

Not sure about this situation.

No reason to feel trapped or confused.

"So what time works for you on Saturday?" Ask a direct and polite question. Stop chatting with these strangers so much before meeting . Confirm that you want to meet, make a plan to meet, text if you need to confirm the plan. The End.

No one asked you out and it's important to recognize that this is a first meet and to me anyway it's unfair to expect a stranger to plan something fun/interesting for a first meet. It should be short so you don't need an exit plan. Short can be fun/interesting but isn't the point to see how you interact in person?

Agree. Excellent way to go about it.

"So what time works for you on Saturday?" Ask a direct and polite question. Stop chatting with these strangers so much before meeting . Confirm that you want to meet, make a plan to meet, text if you need to confirm the plan. The End. No one asked you out and it's important to recognize that this is a first meet and to me anyway it's unfair to expect a stranger to plan something fun/interesting for a first meet.

>>What I guess I am unsure about is, today is friday. One asked me out wednesday. We said saturday. Okay.

>>The other guy asked me out last night. I said yes. He asked when I was free. I said Saturday or Sunday.

Batya’s suggestion is good but for next time, when you agree to have a date on a specific day like you do with the first guy (Saturday), even though no set time or place has been confirmed yet, when another guy asks when you are free, probably best to NOT give him that same exact day.

If it had been me, I would have told the second guy I was free Sunday and then when you’re chatting with the first guy, confirm the plans for Saturday.

>>What I guess I am unsure about is, today is friday. One asked me out wednesday. We said saturday. Okay.

>>The other guy asked me out last night. I said yes. He asked when I was free. I said Saturday or Sunday.

 

Batya’s suggestion is good but for next time, when you agree to have a date on a specific day like you do with the first guy (Saturday), even though no set time or place has been confirmed yet, when another guy asks when you are free, probably best to NOT give him that same exact day.

 

If it had been me, I would have told the second guy I was free Sunday and then when you’re chatting with the first guy, confirm the plans for Saturday.

Yup. I have a friend who hates the keeping things tentative thing. In our 25 years of friendship, every time we make a plan to get together he sets the time/place right then if at all possible. And if something comes up we deal with it then. It sometimes seems like a lot -to make a plan on the spot -but with that approach you're not doing the whole phone/text tag thing . And with a stranger it tells you whether he's serious about meeting you.

Example. Today someone I've never met -but we have mutual friends -emailed me on something else and then said that she'd love to meet for coffee or lunch one day. I've heard this kind of thing a hundred times where it goes nowhere. I replied with my general schedule and locations I could get to. She wrote back with two potential dates and a location. And in two more emails we settled on one date, one place. Done. Refreshing change too. I completely agree with Katrina's approach especially with first meets.

I'm pretty casual about meet ups with friends and early dates.

Initially we agree on a day, and then the day of (or sometimes the night prior but usually the day of), he will contact me either in the morn or afternoon and we decide what time works for both of us and where to meet.

It's a mutual thing.

I know many women disagree with this, but I don't get too hung up about him NOT giving me the entire plan (time, place) at the time he asks me out.

In fact, I don't even need him to make the entire plan.

I am much more casual about it, and the day of, we talk and decide together what would be fun.

Most times though, he will suggest something and I will agree, as I'm super open to just about anything really. Especially if I really like him, and I love trying new things too.

Also, and I know many women disagree with this too, I don't even mind if he asks me out for that same night!

If I like him and I'm free, I'll go.

Some of the best dates I've had with men have been scheduled last minute like that.

I really can't stand any sort of "rules" when it comes to dating.

Keep in mind I don't OLD though. So I've never encountered any "flakes" or been stood up.

If I did OLD and encountered flakey men who never followed through or stood me up, I am sure my attitude would be quite different!

I don't disagree as a woman but on a practical level. When I was making first meet plans I often had 3-4 first meets in a week plus social plans with friends. So I could keep open what we were going to do but not the day and time. And as far as "what" it depended whether it was something that needed tickets/reservations/travel (meaning if I had to travel to get there that would affect the rest of my plan for that day). I wish I could have been more casual/tentative but with work/friends/volunteer work and dating - couldn't do it back then.

Well yeah if the date involved tickets to an event or something, that would be confirmed prior to the day of.

Also, while I said I would accept a last minute date if I were free, that doesn't mean I was always free!

Often I was not free, and we would "mutually" decide on another day that worked for both of us.

I only mentioned it because there are some women (not you necessarily) who would not accept a last minute date even if she were free.

Simply based on some antiquated notion that if a man is interested, he "should" ask her out three days prior or something.

I don't happen to believe in that "rule" that's all.

My attitude is why make dating more difficult than it already is by imposing all these arbitrary "rules"?

When I like a guy, I prefer to work "with" him, not against him by imposing all these rules like the "three day rule" and others.

I have my own set of standards (which are quite high actually) and values; I also like men and trust them (generally) until they give me reason not to.

Bottom line, if I like him and am available, I go, simple as that.

And as I said, some of the best dates I've had have been scheduled last minute and have led to LTRs also.