please help me figure out where I stand - dating!

Hi,

this is my first post ever after being a lurker. Never asked for advice over the internet before - feeling slightly apprehensive, but lets do this!

Basically, I have been using online dating for almost a year now with very little success, and things have rarely passed the first date. Not experienced with dating much in general, and have never had a relationship. However, matched with a guy, and we went on our first date 3 weeks ago. Date was amazing, we have so much in common and he has all the traits I look for in someone - which is rare. I don't normally like people much, but I really liked him and I caught feelings after 1 date (pathetic I know). I could tell he felt the same way and was very much attracted to me (told me this etc) and was a gentleman the whole date. However, at the end of the date he didn't kiss me goodbye, only hugged.

He messaged me the next day saying he had a great time and that he wants to meet up again. However, he was only free that week on a day when I wasn't available, so we didn't meet up that week. Turns out this was a lie, and after checking his location on snapmap, he went home every evening after work - so clearly not busy. He messaged me a few times during this period trying to keep contact, but I was pissed off because of this, and distanced myself. He reciprocated, and stopped messaging me also for a few days. I regretted my actions and realised that I still wanted to see him, so I asked him out after a few days of not speaking. He seemed really keen, and we arranged a date the following week to go out, and offered to treat me and take me somewhere nice. Problem solved right? nope.

The day of our date approached, and I heard nothing from him. I didn't want to text him to confirm, because technically this was his date that he said he would arrange, I felt like I have put in a fair amount of effort with him already. So i texted him in the evening, basically saying "look, we were meant to go out tonight but I didn't hear anything from you, so i'm guessing you aren't interested. I don't see the point of us staying in contact on social media anymore and you tagging me in things if we aren't going to meet again. good luck for the future..." he replied back saying something like "omg i'm so sorry for this, i completely forgot! i've been so busy, and we had such a great date before i really do want to see you again!". I replied saying "i've heard the excuse busy before. but anyway i'm done with chasing you so if you want to go out the ball is in your court". He replied back saying "i really am busy, not an excuse. i definitely will get in contact, i want to see you again..." (to be fair, he has started a new job) and we chatted for a while. Since this day, he has been messaging me every day, however, it has been a week since this exchange and I have yet to hear anything from him regarding another date.

I don't know where I stand, and how to deal with this anymore. This whole situation is bringing me down a lot, because I do genuinely like him. What should I do? Is there a deadline for how long I should wait it out before giving up? Is there a remedy to this?!

Sorry for the long post!

"That old chestnut"! No one really forgets. No one is so busy enough to not even text 30 seconds to let you know he`s busy and is thinking about you. Lets face it. One can take 30 seconds to take a piss but one cant take 30 seconds to say he`s missing you and will be in touch or to rearrange.

To me he sounds like hes lost something and now he`s wanting it back. Some people like the chase but I d be very wary about this guy. its only a second date and hes shown he`s unreliable and forgotten about you. If he can do this so early on..........what makes you think he wont do this again later down the road. Be warned.

People don't "forget" dates. They just don't.

I would recommend not bothering with a good bye text. Just ignore them and move on. Don't give them the time of day.

You shouldn't be checking his location on Snapchat. He owes you nothing - you are not entitled to his attention or feelings. He might very well have better things to do, like relax, when he gets home from a long day at work. I'm of the opinion that you should disable that feature.

I don't know why you sent those messages. To me, again, that screams insecurity. You could have just left it alone, or followed up further about the date (don't understand why you couldn't have just followed up). You'd be lucky to get another date at this point, because you have probably burned the bridge even if he's being nice.

Sorry for the tough love advice, think you need to hear it. Welcome to ENA and glad you posted.

I sent those messages because I genuinely was going to end it then, and I didn't want to be rude and just delete him, i wanted to give him an explanation for why. just trying to be nice! but because he said he didn't want to lose contact and still wanted to see me, i gave him the benefit of the doubt. he actually thanked me twice for messaging him that in a "respectful" way.

i didn't follow up because when i asked him out, he said he would arrange it and he was going to take me out, so i didn't think i should take control yet again.

You couldn't have followed up by saying "Hey so how about that date? :)" ? Not taking control, just following up.

Seems like a lot of pain you are causing yourself to... preserve your pride?

He messaged me the next day saying he had a great time and that he wants to meet up again. However, he was only free that week on a day when I wasn't available, so we didn't meet up that week. Turns out this was a lie, and after checking his location on snapmap, he went home every evening after work - so clearly not busy. He messaged me a few times during this period trying to keep contact, but I was pissed off because of this, and distanced myself. He reciprocated, and stopped messaging me also for a few days. I regretted my actions and realised that I still wanted to see him, so I asked him out after a few days of not speaking. He seemed really keen, and we arranged a date the following week to go out, and offered to treat me and take me somewhere nice. Problem solved right? nope.

So, after one date and you are tracking his movements? Then you are jumping to huge conclusions because he goes home after work every day according to your stalking? And then you were being all passive aggressive with him because he was busy but not doing what you were wanting, when you were wanting it?

After that, you have been quite controlling with him and being even more passive aggressive. Now you are all down, because you aren't getting what you want in the way you want it. Sounds all very narssistic.

Can I suggest you just forget about him. With a new job, he doesn't need this kind of treatment.

Turns out this was a lie, and after checking his location on snapmap, he went home every evening after work - so clearly not busy.

this is true... but i've been reading a lot of dating articles that always say "let a guy chase you", "you need to be a high value woman" etc so thats why i didn't.

any way of saving this? :') or should i just let him go?

i'm not going out of my way to check his location lol, it automatically publishes on snapchat. i promise u i'm not a stalker lol.

i don't see what i said as being passive aggressive, i just tried to be honest and assertive. didn't think it came off negatively, i asked the message to be proofread and he actually thanked me for the messages

this is true... but i've been reading a lot of dating articles that always say "let a guy chase you", "you need to be a high value woman" etc so thats why i didn't.

 

any way of saving this? :') or should i just let him go?

Not sure. What do you want to do?

i'm not going out of my way to check his location lol, it automatically publishes on snapchat. i promise u i'm not a stalker lol.

 

i don't see what i said as being passive aggressive, i just tried to be honest and assertive. didn't think it came off negatively, i asked the message to be proofread and he actually thanked me for the messages

Your messages sounded passive-aggressive -- as if you felt entitled to his attention or feelings, when you are not.

You can also follow up with people these days instead of hiding.

Those are the things you did wrong this time. Next time, don't make those mistakes and things will be better.

>>...after checking his location on snapmap

This is scary; such an invasion of privacy.

I don't use snapchat or snapmap, so excuse my ignorance, but how does this work?

Can any man I have a date with check my location at any given time, even if I dont use snapchat myself?

Gawd, I hate social media, even FB, some things should just be left private imho!

No one's business unless *I* choose to share it with them.

Rant over! lol

this is true... but i've been reading a lot of dating articles that always say "let a guy chase you", "you need to be a high value woman" etc so thats why i didn't.

 

any way of saving this? :') or should i just let him go?

I'd let it go and I agree with Pleasedonot completely about your behavior. I met over 100 men in person through on line dating and many more through other means including personal ads, blind dates etc. Stop airing your dirty laundry and bitterness and yes - if he's not available that night because he'd rather watch his favorite show while he gets his laundry done that's none of your business and distancing yourself added to the negative vibe. Been on the other side of that - icky and creepy.

I do think he wasn't that interested in seeing you again and that happens often after a first meet with a near stranger. Nothing about "chasing." Don't chase or be chased. A first meet is not a date. It's to see if you should go on a real date. If a man doesn't ask you out on a real date after that it's most typically nothing personal -and if you don't have a date planned then assume there is no date and enjoy that you had fun meeting a cool person. And then move on unless and until a first date is planned time and place. Show enthusiasm without being gushy, shift the focus away from "he said he 'd take me to a nice place" - you want to go to a place where you can have a real conversation whether that is at a restaurant or taking a walk, or looking at art or window shopping. Take yourself to a nice place if you want to go to a nice place. Nice restaurants and fancy places are great and have their place - and thoughtful if someone chooses to take you there but nothing to do with getting to know about him and letting him get to know you.

And no it's not rude to delete someone after a first meet or date but it might be rude to lecture someone on how you expect to be treated when you've only met once (not saying you lectured but between the snooping and negativity....) - just let it go, ok?

he is choosing to share his location with me. i promise i'm not going out of my way to stalk him, it just gives me updates when someone on snapchat (who has enabled this feature) changes location. i personally do not share my location either because i agree its an invasion of privacy!

ok, i acknowledge that I should've just followed up. i just don't know what to do now though.

You move on. You went on one date. You shouldn't have near this level of emotional investment.

i don't normally get attached easily and have been on a few dates but its rare for me to actually like someone, which i guess is why i've acted OTT. the reason why i have found it difficult to move on is that he is contacting me every day, so its giving me hope.

thanks anyway for the feedback, u guys are straight talkers haha!

Hello,

I am very sympathetic to your situation as I have gone through something similar. A lot of people on here seem to be demonising you when this guy seems to be leading you on and confusing you, no wonder you resorted to snap maps! As to your situation I understand you wanting to see if there’s any potential with this guy but if he doesn’t respond with a date within the next week I personally would cut ties. Good luck with everything!

Hello,

I am very sympathetic to your situation as I have gone through something similar. A lot of people on here seem to be demonising you when this guy seems to be leading you on and confusing you, no wonder you resorted to snap maps! As to your situation I understand you wanting to see if there’s any potential with this guy but if he doesn’t respond with a date within the next week I personally would cut ties. Good luck with everything!

This thread reassures me that the best decisions that I've made recently are to shut off FB and making the choice not to join any other forms of social media like Twitter or snapchat.

This thread reassures me that the best decisions that I've made recently are to shut off FB and making the choice not to join any other forms of social media like Twitter or snapchat.

You seem like a fun person, I’m sure you’ll be sorely missed.

i feel like the social media aspect of this situation has been slightly blown out of proportion... it was only to provide context to the situation. i prefer the old fashioned talking on the phone too, makes things a lot more simple!

Hi there! I think that the other people are antagonising you, your feelings are valid! It was a mistake on his part to forget the date, but I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt since you have only been on one date. I think that you should wait to see if he will arrange another date and just keep the conversation casual, if he doesn't then just move on. I hope it all works out! lots of love the seahag

As a qualified behavioural sociologist I think I do understand the context of the advice being given. This poor girl is not a stalker, her situation is just difficult as it usually is during the first phases of seeing someone (ie the will they won't they).

The advice given is a bit harsh, that's all I was trying to say

It doesn't take a certification or degree in sociology to recognize that OP has overstepped.

I wouldn't say that she overstepped though because she didn't press him about it, she just made an observation which could possibly be true (or not). Plus, she was blunt to the guy about her expectations which is good

But what expectations? Yes, expectations of reliability -if you make a time/place plan with me and don't follow up I will tell you "I expected you to keep the plan because I set aside time for you" but all the dirty laundry/relationship baggage to a near stranger -that's uncalled for IMO.

Agree with j.man. Time to be on social media and dating apps to find someone else and move on, not track a one-and-done date.

You move on. You went on one date. You shouldn't have near this level of emotional investment.