My gf and I got into a physical altercation

I really need some brutally honest advice here. My gf and I got physical the other day. I was drinking and we got into a bad argument she gave me my apartment key back and she was ready to leave and I thought, “I don’t wanna be here either!” So I grabbed my keys and started to leave. She blocked my door and told me I wasn’t leaving. I told her yes I was! And I tried pulling her away from the door. She stayed. She pushed me into my closet door and I tried pulling her from the door with more force. And she said, I’m not letting you go! And I tried pulling her again and she slapped me twice. I slapped her back. And I pulled her from the door and she hit the table. I panicked and I left still angry and upset too. I feel so horrible. I don’t think I am an abusive person! But if I am, I don’t want to be!! What can I do to change??

What was the argument about? It helps to know because it reveals a lot about the relationship. I'm guessing you have other problems other than the fight. Drinking always brings out the worst in people, so you can start to change by not drinking. Other than that, it sounds like the relationship is over.

She and my family don’t get along and ever since they have come back into my life she has been distant. She told me earlier that day that she hadn’t been kissing me or being affectionate because she wanted to break the emotional bond we have because she can’t deal with my family again. My mom used to worry that my gf was emotionally abusive and she used to always tell me that I need to be careful and watch out for myself. And she didn’t let my gf come over when I lived with her. And she did put her down a lot of times. And I made the mistake of telling my gf this. And my gf thinks that my mom isn’t a good mother and cares for no one but herself. So we were arguing over her wanting to break our emotional bond. I was upset and began drinking and she had the idea of us starting over and being friends and I told her that I couldn’t just be her friend. I was being a bit of a jerk to her too. And so tensions rose.

You can first confirm to the readers that she is OK?

Yes, she is okay. Unfortunately she is bruised.

It sounds like you two have a very unhealthy relationship, even independent from this physical fight.

Your mom seems perceptive. Listen to her. This relationship died a long time ago.

Well, this is what domestic violence actually (usually) looks like: men and women arguing and escalating until they end up in a physical altercation. People have an image in their heads of domestic violence as some hairy, stubbled guy in a wife beater slapping the lady around because she overcooked his eggs, and while that scenario does exist it is actually relatively uncommon.

So, no, you aren't that guy. But you are in a (probably) toxic relationship that you are contributing to with your drinking and reciprocal violence.

Your girlfriend didn't have any right to try to restrain you from leaving and she sure as hell had no right to slap you, even if she had someehat good intentions--from what you describe she may have been trying to stop you from driving drunk. But you are also culpable; you drank too much for one thing. For another you should have just disengaged and let her leave instead of inflamming the situation farther, and you shouldn't have slapped her back unless it was turning into a self-defense situation.

Instead of beating yourself up over this let it be a wake up call. For one thing you are with a woman who is willing to resort to violence which pretty much disqualifies her as a partner. For another you may need to look at your drinking. For a third you need to work on some healthier conflict resolution skills.

Well, this is what domestic violence actually (usually) looks like: men and women arguing and escalating until they end up in a physical altercation. People have an image in their heads of domestic violence as some hairy, stubbled guy in a wife beater slapping the lady around because she overcooked his eggs, and while that scenario does exist it is actually relatively uncommon.

 

So, no, you aren't that guy. But you are in a (probably) toxic relationship that you are contributing to with your drinking and reciprocal violence.

 

Your girlfriend didn't have any right to try to restrain you from leaving and she sure as hell had no right to slap you, even if she had someehat good intentions--from what you describe she may have been trying to stop you from driving drunk. But you are also culpable; you drank too much for one thing. For another you should have just disengaged and let her leave instead of inflamming the situation farther, and you shouldn't have slapped her back unless it was turning into a self-defense situation.

 

Instead of beating yourself up over this let it be a wake up call. For one thing you are with a woman who is willing to resort to violence which pretty much disqualifies her as a partner. For another you may need to look at your drinking. For a third you need to work on some healthier conflict resolution skills.

I definitely do need to work on better conflict resolution skills. As far as drinking, I hardly ever drink.

I definitely do need to work on better conflict resolution skills. As far as drinking, I hardly ever drink.

Thank you for your insightful reply.

It sounds like you two have a very unhealthy relationship, even independent from this physical fight.

 

Your mom seems perceptive. Listen to her. This relationship died a long time ago.

Yes, my mom is perceptive. It’s still hard to let go though because we love each other.

So she essentially tried to physically detain you in your own home and then struck you when you resisted. You aren't an abuser. Roles reversed, no one would bat an eye about a woman defending herself.

Regardless, all the above advise concerning your relationship being toxic is spot on, and this altercation serves as a definite point of no return, as if her returning the key didn't serve that purpose well enough itself.

Take some time off and look to your own emotional wellbeing (and physical, if you're catching yourself drinking to excess).

Yes, my mom is perceptive. It’s still hard to let go though because we love each other.

Love? Or emotional dependency? Many people confuse the two.

So tell us, now that you've shared the negative (which is *really* bad and does not sound like love to me), what do you actually "love" about her?

In the here and now, not how things "used" to be.