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Alcoholic and abusive bf/his dependent mother, ect!!


NicoleJones

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So this may be a crazy long story so I'll try my best to keep it short. My bfs mom was abusive to him when he was young and got him hooked on drugs. Now she is constantly around telling him his new habit(drinking) is okay. (Not saying the drugs aren't a problem but the alcohol is wrecking his life and everyones around him) I try over and over again to convince him to stop because from the time he wakes up til the time he falls asleep he is drunk. He started doing this months ago and it's getting worse and worse. He's abusive when he drinks. His mother lives with us and she sees this and still backs him up when he says "it calms him down" he will start drinking, everyday he is more drunk, then he starts to hit me. He will stop because of it and slowly say things like "well if I just drank slower this time" and "your the only one who has a problem with it" (because I'm the only one getting abused). His mom has him to the point where anything he does that involves his nasty behavior(drinking, hitting, spending too much money, ect.) Is a good thing. They are completely dependent on eachother too. Anytime we argue she joins in and gangs up on me, they talk about me loudly when I leave the room. I guess I'm not asking what to do, but how to cope with these people until I can get the hell out. His mom is a theif as well. Has tried to steal up to 1000$ from us. Also my daughter is involved. Luckily she is not part of the violence But I had to have someone pick my daughter up while I was at work because he had passed out drunk. Which again, me and his mother almost got in a physical fight when she tried to grab me, because when I saw her the next day she said I didn't care about my daughter because I should have came home. And she said nothing to her son. At all. The problem was, I had a bad feeling and had a family member check on them and low and behold when they had gotten there he was passed out and they took her for the night. I told them I would come back and meet them and they said it was okay that she stayed the night. But instead, with them knowing that COMPLETELY reasonable story, she loses it and cusses me out. That's just a few examples. I'm a very patient person (clearly) and I'm not violent or rude and obnoxious like they are. Somebody please throw me some life changing advice. And please no judgment, I am 100% aware of where me and my daughter are and have no where else to go. Simply needing coping advice.

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I'm not really sure what kind of coping advice I can give you. You're being physically and emotionally abused and your daughter is living in this environment and it may affect the way she is when she's an adult. You need to get out. If you have some money, you can look for a roommate situation on Craigslist and literally be sharing an apartment in a day or so. There are also battered women's shelters and public and non-profit agencies that can work with you to get you into a motel temporarily and then permanently into an apartment.

 

If you really can't get out, the only thing you can do is not fight with them, don't argue, just agree with everything they say. Don't believe it, but agree with it. Say, yes, you're right I'm a bad girlfriend. Stop telling him to stop drinking. Let him drink all he wants. Just be careful and make a plan to get the heck out of there as soon as you can.

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You go to social services and domestic violence agencies who will help you with housing, employment and/or training. childcare, food and medical services for you and your child and counseling and support for you, including any substance use issues you may have developed.

I am 100% aware of where me and my daughter are and have no where else to go.
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You are no better than them if you are staying to allow and contribute to your child growing up like this. There is zero excuse for it. Zero. Stop making excuses for why you stay.

 

The amount of resources out there to help mothers is astounding. Be a mother and do what is right for your child.

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You are no better than them if you are staying to allow and contribute to your child growing up like this. There is zero excuse for it. Zero. Stop making excuses for why you stay.

 

The amount of resources out there to help mothers is astounding. Be a mother and do what is right for your child.

 

Totally agree!

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Stop being an enabler and leave.

 

I hope the daughter is yours with another man and not him.

 

Walk out the door for the sake of your child. No child should be subjected to seeing someone passed out drunk or their mother being pushed or shoved. Your child watches and is learning that its acceptable to be in a deadend relationship with a past out drunk and to make excuses for him. That is what she knows and will see as acceptable when she comes of age.

 

Stop getting into the mother being wrong and this and that and get away

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please no judgment, I am 100% aware of where me and my daughter are and have no where else to go.

 

You go to a shelter for mothers and kids.

You get an apartment or go to a motel.

What about any family? You must have someone somewhere?

Or what about looking for another single mom to move in with?

 

If you work, you can use your paystubs to qualify for a small apartment.

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Thank you everyone for the NONJUDGEMENTAL replies. To the ones who failed to see that, I've asked to not comment on my thread. This is where I decided to seek help. And I'm not LETTING it go along. I barely make enough by myself to make rent. And no he is not working and hasn't for a while with leaves me with little to nothing. Low income is something that ive already looked into and to apply and be put on a waiting list is not quick enough. will definetly look into all of those. The mother and child home sounds like a good place to start. I didn't want to do social services because I was scared that they would make it worse. I want her out of the situation. Not further in it. Again thank you guys for the resources. And for the ones who had nasty comments, find something to do with your time. My guess is people are coming here to talk to people who have been in it and can relate and offer experience based advice. Not some bored judgemental prudes advice, who thinks she knows something, when she has no idea. Don't tell me what kind of person I am. Your here for a reason, I assume.

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Thank you everyone for the NONJUDGEMENTAL replies. To the ones who failed to see that, I've asked to not comment on my thread. This is where I decided to seek help. And I'm not LETTING it go along. I barely make enough by myself to make rent. And no he is not working and hasn't for a while with leaves me with little to nothing. Low income is something that ive already looked into and to apply and be put on a waiting list is not quick enough. will definetly look into all of those. The mother and child home sounds like a good place to start. I didn't want to do social services because I was scared that they would make it worse. I want her out of the situation. Not further in it. Again thank you guys for the resources. And for the ones who had nasty comments, find something to do with your time. My guess is people are coming here to talk to people who have been in it and can relate and offer experience based advice. Not some bored judgemental prudes advice, who thinks she knows something, when she has no idea. Don't tell me what kind of person I am. Your here for a reason, I assume.

Good advice is not giving you enabling dialogue that keeps you mired in your codependency. You'd do well to get yourself into a codependents anonymous or Alanon meeting near you. At the very least, read Codependent No More by Melody Beatie so that you clue-in on what is going on in you that keeps you with an abusive alcoholic. You see, luv. Any woman that is not codependent would find the resources to quit the dysfunction and get out. There is always a way.

 

Here's a link: Please call the number applicable to your area at the bottom of the page and get yourself and your daughter away from him. You owe your daughter a decent, calm, nurturing existence. She needs a positive role model now.

 

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm

 

Be strong and get out.

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The forum actually belongs to all those who would like to post, whether it's questions or advice. So no, it's not "your" forum. It IS your thread, however, and I stand by what I wrote...my advice for how to cope is to get you and your daughter out of this dangerous situation.

 

I would think if you revealed the situation to your family they'd be happy to help out.

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Thank you everyone for the NONJUDGEMENTAL replies. To the ones who failed to see that, I've asked to not comment on my thread. This is where I decided to seek help. And I'm not LETTING it go along. I barely make enough by myself to make rent. And no he is not working and hasn't for a while with leaves me with little to nothing. Low income is something that ive already looked into and to apply and be put on a waiting list is not quick enough. will definetly look into all of those. The mother and child home sounds like a good place to start. I didn't want to do social services because I was scared that they would make it worse. I want her out of the situation. Not further in it. Again thank you guys for the resources. And for the ones who had nasty comments, find something to do with your time. My guess is people are coming here to talk to people who have been in it and can relate and offer experience based advice. Not some bored judgemental prudes advice, who thinks she knows something, when she has no idea. Don't tell me what kind of person I am. Your here for a reason, I assume.

 

When my abusive marriage ended, i thought I had nowhere to go. I was worse off than you - I had no paycheck -- i worked for my ex's business basically increased what he was paid with my efforts and the money didn't always trickle down to me. I had less than $10 in my pocket. I managed to make it and you can, too. I know the wait list is long for low income, but you could find a studio apartment and get some bunk beds (lots of people give them away or you can ask on the local swaps for one) and you and your daughter could live that way temporarily or even a one bedroom with daugther in the bedroom and you on the sofa until you get on your feet. It would be cheaper than the 2-3 bedroom place you have now to accommodate him living there, too.

 

Talk to the abuse hotline. I received a number of free counseling sessions and the first thing i was asked is "do you have somewhere to live". you can say that you need to find a place and perhaps they will also help you. they would have set me up somewhere - even if i had to share with another woman, etc, temporarily.

 

But i think if you can pay rent where you are, downsizing on the extreme -- looking for an ad from a single mom that owns a home (divorce situation - got the house in the divorce, has a child, needs a roomie to help share expenses), or a much smaller apartment you may be able to manage things.

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Stop being an enabler and leave.

 

I hope the daughter is yours with another man and not him.

 

 

I said this because if your child is his daughter, he can fight you on taking her out of the home. That is why i wish for your sake she is from a previous relationship.

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