Should I leave?

I have been married to my husband for nearly 16 years- together 20. We have three lovely children ages 16, 11 and 12. I am however so unhappy with the relationship- this has been a long time not right, shortly after having the first child I never felt supported emotionally and our relationship continued (stupidly)with us having a further 2 children but with me taking very much the role of home maker and him as breadwinner. He was not very hands on with the children when they were young, but is quite good now as long as it's doing an activity he enjoys. He does not emotionally support me in any way, even to the point that if I am feeling physically unwell he withdraws practically to the point of ignoring me. We have a serious lack of communication, any attempts at taking things through either get cut dead, or if he has had a drink I end up being criticised or patronised.

There is no physical abuse, but it is years since I had a compliment or as much as a comment to cheer me up when I'm down. I'm mostly cheery and feel like I put this persona on as its better for the kids and it means he will at least have conversation with me, but lots like treading on eggshells all the time. However inside I'm screaming out for some love and fun. We sometimes do things together but mainly on his terms and holidays end up a chore as the last one he can spend each night drinking late in the bar. Relations have gradually diminished, in the early days it was good but now it's got to the point it's not even on the agenda for him really. I feel desperately lonely in this marriage but am committed to bringing these fantastic kids up in a secure environment. I Think I'm at the point where I can't stand it any longer. I know it will be tough financially and on the kids and it will look like I'm the bad guy. none of my family know how I feel as I hide my unhappiness well, I have in the past made excuses to them to justify his unreasonable behaviour and I think they quite like him as he brings home good earnings and he will buy me whatever I want (though I'm not materialistic) and i wouldn't care if we had nothing as long as we could have fun and genuine enjoy each other's companionship. I don't think he will leave as from his point of view the kids are looked after and happy, he doesn't get nagged and can do what he wants and if he feels like a conversation which is rare I'm there to offer companionship. I feel like I'm at the end of my tether and that There is no way he would try counselling, I truly feel there is no love in the marriage and that it is purely based on convenience.

Being alone would be better than that! (And don’t stay for the kids, you’re teaching them to settle). I feel like your first tangible step might be to speak to a divorce lawyer, find out what’s possible in terms of child support etc.

Do you "feel" that there's no way he would try counseling? Or is that what you're assuming? When did you ask, and does he understand the gravity of your feelings? While you shouldn't stay together for the kids if your differences aren't reconcilable, you definitely owe it to them to do what it takes to make sure whatever differences you have are in fact unworkable; marital counseling being crucial to that if you really are that point of considering divorce.

There is no way he will even talk about the relationship with me let alone a counsellor! If I try he either cuts me dead saying that it is how it is (his way or the highway basically) or he gets annoyed at me. Mostly he just doesn't say anything at all and will just get up and go out of the room, go on his phone or something. I feel like I don't exist. His take on counselling would be that it's an absolute waste of time which only weak emotional people would consider.

There is no way he will even talk about the relationship with me let alone a counsellor!

I'm not physically in the room when you're trying to broach these issues with him, so I can't make any judgments as to how qualified his complaint of you pushing "your way or the highway" is, but it's obvious you two are at an impasse and a professional mediator would be to both your benefits. Also, speaking generally, people associate marriage counselors as just that, a mediator, rather than a personal shrink. While many might be apprehensive toward them, it's rarely for the same reasons they would be toward one-on-one counselors.

Stop assuming and suggest it. Tell him honestly that you're at the end of the rope and if you two can't communicate with each other, or bring someone in to help facilitate the conversation, you simply can't happily exist in this marriage.

Thank you for your input. I guess all I can do is suggest it again. He has gradually been shutting down communication over the past few years, it has in turn caused me to give up trying to communicate. The thing is he can be quite intimidating when I try, and he does not compromise, it's not in his nature and I can't see him changing after 20 years, me trying to insist on something has the opposite effect. The only way would be to somehow make him feel like it is his idea. But I honestly don't think he cares enough about the relationship to try.

If you ask and he says no, you’ve done your due diligence and are more than justified in going.

I find it is easier for the woman to leave because she gets the kids. Divorce should never be taken lightly and you should fight for the marrige until there is no hope left. Kids need both parents and it is hard for them when suddenly one parent becomes an every other weekend visit.

She’s in a partnership where the other person checked out years ago. Why would you pressure her to stay?

Sadly what you describe is the life of someone with a functional alcoholic who has withdrawn. You walk on egg shells and cover for him, lying to your own family and friends about what's really going on. Very typical. Also your isolation and dependence hinder your being able to get out of the house and work, save money and build self esteem for yourself. Get some support for families of alcoholics and read up on the symptoms of problem drinkers.

I We have a serious lack of communication, any attempts at taking things through either get cut dead, or if he has had a drink I end up being criticised or patronised. holidays end up a chore as the last one he can spend each night drinking late in the bar. I truly feel there is no love in the marriage and that it is purely based on convenience.

Should you leave? NO you should not, he should leave if there is leaving to be done. The children will stay with you anyways so it is simpler for him to leave.

Now if you want to give it one more try before you think about divorce there are some things you could try.

-Make it clear to him how unhappy and unloved you feel. Write him a letter but do not give any ultimatums but use statements like "We cannot go on in this loveless marriage any longer" "We need to work on making OUR marriage better and more loving and if that isn't possible then WE need to decide what to do next" Be factual and honest about how you feel and how long you have felt this way.

-Make an appointment for a therapist/counselor and go by yourself. This will help you as you make your way towards which ever path you choose. It will probably scare the crap out of him too that you are talking to someone about the marriage.

-Start planning for the worse but hope for the best. Start taking better care of yourself, be more independent, visit friends/family more often, dress nice, look over all the financials for the family and make copies, educate yourself about your rights in the county/state you live in.

Once he reads the letter and you know he knows for sure exactly how you feel (tons of men come here saying they had no idea it was that serious) ask him how he wants to proceed. Let him give you his ideas and they need to be more than "I will try harder" Try what exactly??? If he gives you some ideas and they are half hearted attempts to make this go away simply tell him "that isn't good enough" "professional counseling is our only hope since things have gone so far"

If you really just want to end the marriage you do not need our permission. You certainly have grounds to be unhappy and he seems to be willing to slide by with minimal effort and is unwilling to change. If you give it one last attempt with this letter and he chooses to ignore the warning then seek out a some friends that have gotten a divorce and see who they used. Then get a consultation. Don't let him know you are doing this, just do it without his knowledge.

Lost

-