Big discrepancy in desire

I've been married to my best friend and sweetheart for 35 years.

At the beginning our levels of interest in sex were reasonably close - but over time hers has diminished a lot while mine has only diminished a little - so we now have a huge mismatch in desire for sex.

She's definitely older, grayer, and not skinny like when we first married, but then I'm older, grayer and not as skinny either. I'm still extremely attracted to her and love her.

I think I would be thrilled if we could have sex once or twice a week. I'd even be glad for a couple times a month. Right now it's about 6 to 8 weeks between events. She did initiate sex last year - once - but I'm not sure if it wasn't just because some comments I made guilted her into it

I've tried following the advice I've seen elsewhere to no avail.

I've told her I miss it - in the most non-accustory way I could manage.

I've suggest maybe planning ahead to make it happen.

I take her out on dates at least weekly.

I try to do LOTS of romantic gestures.

I rub her feet and her back and her shoulders.

I tell her I think she's beautiful and sexy and she tells me she believes I feel that way but she says she doesn't feel like she really is.

I've suggested that we might benefit from counseling - that one went worst.

I know she has some problems with depression, and that might be the reason for her almost non-existent libido. She adamantly REFUSES to even THINK about discussing it with a doctor or counselor. I think she may have had a bad experience when she was a teenager with some counseling where they got everyone into a group session and that might be some of the origin of her refusal to consider getting any help.

At this point I figure I have 1 thing left to try - going to counseling on my own without telling her. Of course if she ever found out, she would consider it a HUGE betrayal of her that I discussed our relationship with anyone else. I'm not sure our marriage would survive that because she was SO upset when I suggested talking to someone else about our relationship or her occasional depression. I had to swear I wouldn't do it to get her to calm down - she was hyperventilating at the idea.

She really is a wonderful person otherwise and still my best friend.

Actually - I don't have any friends that I do things with besides her. I've always had trouble forming close friendships - probably due to some problems in our neighborhood when I was a pre-teen that left me ostracized and without anyone to hang out with or play with for several years.

I'm now thinking that I should just be grateful for the good things I have, accept that I don't really turn her on any more and that's probably why I'm in a nearly sexless marriage, and give up on having sex with my wife more than every few months - although if the trend continues it'll probably dwindle to none in the next few years.

That said, I still need to figure out how to make that adjustment and get rid of the resentment and feelings of rejection.

I will NOT consider infidelity.

I might consider divorce if I thought it would make her happy - but she tells me often enough that she really loves me so I don't think it would. Even if we did divorce I seriously doubt I would ever find anyone else who was interested in me and would want to marry me - I'm not exactly young any more, and I'm kinda short and mostly bald. Not exactly drool worthy. Even if I did remarry there's no guarantee that the new spouse would have a higher libido than my wife does, so I hardly think that's a rational solution.

Ideas?

Suggestions?

Am I being irrational?

Am I a pervert for wanting that much sex at my age (55+)?

How would your wife respond if you were to let her read your post? Or if you wrote her a raw, emotional letter explaining how you feel and why this is so important to you? I cannot imagine a woman, who says she truly loves you and has spent 35 years of her life with you, completely dismissing such a genuine, sincere admission of emotional pain. If she really loves you, she would have to work with you to find some middle path forward..

Hmmm...you both need therapy if things that happened to you as a kid still affect you at age 55. I'm only 32 and I have moved on from all that (thanks to therapy). She can't really tell you not to go to therapy. But yeah, I think you both REALLY need it.

Oh yeah - I'm sure we both would benefit from therapy but even suggesting it caused a MAJOR scene so that doesn't look like an option. In essence posting here is my feeble attempt to get a rough approximation of therapy.

Hmmm...you both need therapy if things that happened to you as a kid still affect you at age 55. I'm only 32 and I have moved on from all that (thanks to therapy). She can't really tell you not to go to therapy. But yeah, I think you both REALLY need it.

How would your wife respond if you were to let her read your post? Or if you wrote her a raw, emotional letter explaining how you feel and why this is so important to you? I cannot imagine a woman, who says she truly loves you and has spent 35 years of her life with you, completely dismissing such a genuine, sincere admission of emotional pain. If she really loves you, she would have to work with you to find some middle path forward..

How would she react if she saw my post?

... possibly kick me out ... for sharing it with others. At the very least she would be very angry and hurt.

I've already told her everything in the post except that I posted it. She got rather defensive and felt like I was being critical - attacking her

I think she feels guilty for not being interested, but I don't want guilt-sex or pity. If she's not interested most of the time then that's probably never going to change and I just need to work on other ways to relate to her. I can't change her. All I can do is change me.

I feel your pain Whatsupdoc but you'll need to do what you think is best for you. You are so right when you say that all you can do is change yourself. That's huge! and congratulations to getting to that point!

You need to feel loved and you are not getting that from your relationships. Now you are on your way to practice some self love..I can recommend a book that really helped me. It is called "Self Compassion" by Kristin Neff. If you are not into reading books, her audio book is the best because the reader has a beautiful calming voice(in my opinion). Or you can look into the work of Brene Brown who is an amazing person who speaks about Vulnerability and worthiness.

Personally, guilt and shame kept me in unhealthy relationships for years (since I was raised by parents who abused me because they had bad conditioning), and I am just learning to fully love myself again at age 31. I was also married and was in a relationship for 9 years, which is pretty long time!, that's like 1/3 of my life! By the way, I love your username because I'm studying to be a Nurse practitioner and am playing doctor with my patient's in real life(which is an incredible blessing). I see lots of people in similar painful situations so don't ever feel like you're alone in your thoughts and feelings. My ex kept telling me to leave when he started calling me a burden. I didn't leave until I was ready to take full responsibility for my own life. I knew that I needed to learn new skills, knowledge and experiences to understand how to either cope with the situation of not being loved anymore or learn to love myself or at least accept my flaws and mistakes so that I could be at peace with myself. This was a painful journey but once you decide to be honest with yourself and others, there's no going back. I wish you strength on this journey to self discovery- you are so awesome for sharing your experience and choosing your happiness. There is light at the end of the tunnel and as long as you keep walking courageously, you'll keep getting the strength you need. There are facebook groups you can join for support. I personally joined many anxiety and depression groups, narcissistic abuse recovery groups and a personality test groups(ENFP). These groups are at times closed/private groups so you can feel at ease with sharing information without your wife reading your post unless she joins the group as well. Also, there are Meetup groups on meetup.com where you can find local people who share similar interests. I'm doing this with my anxiety group(that I help organize), a minimalism group, and hiking and language learning groups. It's an interesting world out there for you to explore and although you may feel alone right now, know that you are definitely in good company with a lot of people who are wonderful as well.

By the way, you are not a pervert, you need physical contact and love which is a basic human need. Our only two real fears are Flying and Abandonment and the way you should see this now is that you have already been abandoned and neglected emotionally, so what else is there to lose? Also, sex is more than "getting off". It's about communication, connection, intimacy, being vulnerable, and trust. It's a beautiful thing two people(or more) share that shows love because you are literally naked and physically and emotionally vulnerable. It's natural that you want that and there is no shame in that because it's completely a natural desire.

Also, realize that you cannot really fully love someone who does not love themselves or aren't willing to be vulnerable, honest and kind to you when you are in pain and express yourself repeatedly that you need love.

Hope this helps

Sending Hugs*

Also, lose the idea that you are "old". I've met and dated some gorgeous, smart, loving men over the age of 55 and if it weren't for incompatiblity, I'd still be being intimate with them. There are tons of women who would love to have a man who is open to expressing his true feelings without fear of judgement and that in itself is Hot!