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Thread: My husband doesnít trust me

  1. #1
    Member star18's Avatar
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    My husband doesnít trust me

    Weíve been together for 8 years, known each other for 10. Weíve been married for 18 months, have two young children (4 & 2). He has been married before, and has two teenage children from this marriage, who he no longer has contact with. His ex-wife cheated on him and left him when their youngest was 6 weeks old.
    A couple of times his doctor has prescribed anti depressants for him, but he has refused to take them. Up until December, when I told him he had to try and help himself, or our marriage wasnít going to survive.

    He has been signed off work for two months with anxiety and depression, only recently returning to work, 2 days a week.

    I feel like I am beginning to crumble. I feel so isolated and alone. He has become so paranoid that Iím having an affair with my line manager, that he has started going through my phone, questioning my every move, and making me feel like a prisoner. I admit, In a way, I am attracted to my manager, we can laugh, mess around, and he looks out for me, but itís strictly professional. He is aware of the whole situation and has said if I need anytime off etc then itís no problem. He has a partner and three children together. From what I can tell, she gets jealous and paranoid with him, so he understands how difficult it is.

    There is a planned night out with work colleagues next Saturday, that I would love to go to, but donít even feel like I can approach the subject with my husband. Iím suffocating. I miss who I used to be.
    Last year I lost 4.5stone. In the last 5 months I have put 2 back on through comfort eating. I know thatís not the answer, and Iíve promised myself and my children that it stops now. Food is the one thing I can control at the moment.

    He is pushing me further away by refusing to talk to me, bottling things up until they erupt out of him.
    I would never cheat on him, or my family, but I can feel myself wanting kindness and warmth from someone.

    A few weeks ago he got drunk whilst I was working a late shift. I couldnít contact him, so had to rush home. I was greeted by a vile drunk shouting disgusting and hurtful things at me, he locked us in the house and took phones away. I somehow managed to get myself and our children out, and call my parents and the police. That is a side of him I have never seen before, nor want to see again. If I do, then that is it. Our marriage will be over. He is ill, but that is no excuse for his behaviour, especially around our children.

    I keep telling myself that this isnít really him, thatís itís the depression. The truth is, I canít remember how our relationship used to be.

    I am scared of being alone, but feel like I already am.

    All of his time at home, he spends online. When he is caring for our children, he is on his tablet and just puts the tv on for them and leaves them to entertain themselves. He shouts at them if the argue, or make a mess playing. Heíll stay up online chatting until 2am, every night, then complains because Iíve gone to sleep.

    The more of our marriage I write down, the more I tell myself, ďif it was anyone else, youíd ask why they are still together?Ē Iím scared that if we separate, I would be even more restricted with what I could do? Would I have to give up work? Would I be able to afford to stay in my home? Would I cope? Is this fair on my two girls?

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Is it fair on your kids to have a father alternately ignore them and yell at them? Get drunk and lock people in a house and treat you like trash? Nope. Stays online all night? Maybe be HE is cheating. No trust no relationship. You need to stop feeling sorry for his self made issues. He needs to go.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    No, its not fair on your two girls so get your mind off of your married line manager, get yourself to a lawyer and a financial planner and get educated on what your rights and obligations are and what you can afford to rent on your salary. If you get yourself prepared, you'll have the confidence to leave. Perhaps if you actually leave and stop enabling him to treat you with such unloving disrespect, he'll get the therapy he so readily needs and you can discuss reconciliation then and only then.

    Take it one step at a time.

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    Platinum Member charity's Avatar
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    I hope he has started t take antidepressants now?
    I would be extremely wary of him to be honest. He sounds dangerous.
    My advice is to leave but to take precautions for yourself and the children. This is not a good situation.

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    Member star18's Avatar
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    He has been on the antidepressants for 3 months now, heís also on the waiting list for counselling but they said there is a long wait.

    My children are my priority. I have altered my work pattern so that I am home as much as possible when they arenít at school or nursery. My parents help out whenever they can, but they are both disabled so I donít like to rely upon them.

    I have thought about taking a leave of absence from work, but then I would have to rely upon benefits to survive.

    Being a single parent scares me. My mum raised us by herself until I was 15. I know just how hard things can get, at the same time I donít want my children to suffer. I have informed their school/nursery of the situation and have the full support of both, and they are happy with how the situation is being dealt with. As our both social services, and our health visitor.

    It has got to change. I know it has. But I am petrified.

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    star how old is your husband?

    Reason I ask is cause screaming obscenities at you, the unfounded accusations, taking your phone, locking you in the house sounds much more serious than depression.

    The fact this was sudden and out of the blue after knowing him for ten years, indicates it may be the onset of another type of mental illness; involving paranoia.

    Not to scare you but my cousin suffers from paranoid schizophrenia and during its onset (his late 20s), his mom came home from work one day, all the windows were nailed closed (yes he actually nailed them shut), started screaming and yelling at her, accused her of trying to kill him, also took her phone and keys and sort of held her hostage.

    Perhaps your husband should see the doctor again or get a second opinion?

    His behavior sounds quite serious.

  8. #7
    Member star18's Avatar
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    He is 38. His father died from a brain tumour 5 years ago, but had been battling depression for 20+ years.
    He was having fortnightly appointments at the doctors, but very rarely saw the same one twice.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member charity's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by star18
    He has been on the antidepressants for 3 months now, heís also on the waiting list for counselling but they said there is a long wait.

    My children are my priority. I have altered my work pattern so that I am home as much as possible when they arenít at school or nursery. My parents help out whenever they can, but they are both disabled so I donít like to rely upon them.

    I have thought about taking a leave of absence from work, but then I would have to rely upon benefits to survive.

    Being a single parent scares me. My mum raised us by herself until I was 15. I know just how hard things can get, at the same time I donít want my children to suffer. I have informed their school/nursery of the situation and have the full support of both, and they are happy with how the situation is being dealt with. As our both social services, and our health visitor.

    It has got to change. I know it has. But I am petrified.
    Being a single parent scares you. But you are petrified anyway living with him! Believe me I am a single parent and yeah it's not all fun and games but its a walk in the park compared to what you are going through.

    Honestly I would choose single parenthood anyday over this type of situation. Yes it may mean a few years of hardship, benefits and lack of freedom but you would be safe.
    And your kids would be safe. I'm sorry but he sounds so unstable and ...between depression, paranoia, control and alcohol .... a recipe for disaster.

    I don't mean to be overly dramatic, I admit I have a fear of men like this. But I think you should be very careful

  10. #9
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    This is abusive to you and your children. Leave him. Your kids are suffering now. He is dangerous.

  11. #10
    Member star18's Avatar
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    I thought Iíd give a quick update.
    Itís been a pretty messed up year since I posted this. My husband decided to have a vasectomy reversal done, against my wishes. It was successful, however fortunately I never fell pregnant.

    I kept my marriage going until December, thinking it was the right thing to do. What was best for our children, and our families. Finally something in my head clicked, after there were more accusations that I was having an affair. His behaviour towards out daughters also deteriorated further to the point my eldest didnít want to come home if I was at work.

    I ended our marriage. He tried to manipulate me to allow him to stay in our home and pretend everything was normal for Christmas, which at first I agreed to, then he began to emotionally bully me and started twisting things to his advantage. I dropped my eldest off at school on the morning of her nativity, my youngest had come along with me instead of staying at home with him. I donít remember much more other than being found by my mum and sister in a complete state. I was so scared and upset that he was pushing his way in and that I would never be free of him.

    A few hours later, my step dad collected him from my house, made him pack a bag, and took him to his mothers house. Heís been there ever since.

    Heís made little to no effort with our children since. His excuse is itís too painful for him.

    So far, I have managed to keep working (though have had to change my shifts to fit around school and childcare), Iíve sorted all the bills and kept a roof over our heads, Iíve also got two amazing, beautiful little girls, who may argue frequently over silly little things, but are much calmer and happier.

    It has been a struggle, but actually, I think it has been easier than living with him. Everything I was made to believe I couldnít do, I have done.

    He has been out of my house for 12 weeks, and in that time, I have found the old me and a new enjoyment of life with my girls.

    At the time, I never realised how controlled I was by him.

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