Partner doesn't want me to work in a prison...but what's the real reason?

I really need some advice, especially from strangers as they are more impartial. I have been with my partner for three years and we have four children between us (none together) living with us and I have an adult daughter. We bought a house together last September and things have been a bit strained since. Just before we moved in my partner's father died very suddenly and even though he says he's ok as they weren't that close I know it has affected him more than I think he knows himself.

Until last August I ran a successful business and before that I was a teacher. I am now a student again studying an MA but not being in work and being a kept woman has been killing me. I have always worked and been very independent, living many years as a single mother with a successful career and good income. Now I only have enough to buy food and fuel and I can't even give my kids any pocket money. My partner has a good job, works hard and provides for us but he has all the control of the finances which leads to me feeling very constrained.

However, I recently got offered a job working as a prison teacher and even though I haven't had my official interview, they pretty much intimated in the telephone interview that they want to give me the job. My partner has always been a bit jealous and he sulks a lot, ignoring me and sometimes even refusing to accept a cup of tea from me, deliberately leaving it to go cold. This behaviour can sometimes last up to two days. I was so happy to get this job as I am more excited about it than I have been for any other job, not only because of the financial reasons but also because I felt like I was completely useless and worthless not working. It was also the first time in a very long time I have had an interview and I'm not so sure of myself as I was in my early thirties so it gave me a real confidence boost. So this has made me feel like the old, happy and confident me that I felt I had lost.

But my partner is dead against the idea, stating that I will get raped and murdered and that I am being selfish and single minded and it will be him that has to tell all of our children that I have been killed at work. This is so unlikely to happen as there is so much protection for civilian staff and I am also a very astute people person with the skills to defuse an escalating situation. All of my family and friends think this is the perfect job for me and cannot understand why he is being so dramatic about it. He keeps reading up on violence in prisons and quoting stats at me. I asked if he would respond the same if I wanted to join the police force which he won't answer properly. My son, 10, who is immensely proud of me, thinks he is being 'sexist' (his words)as I had to tell him not to discuss the job in the house as my partner is feeling 'sensitive' about it as he thinks it is a dangerous job for a woman.

I always back down and say sorry in an argument as I like to just keep the peace but on this occasion I have told him categorically that I will not. He has said himself in the past that he cannot cope when he feels out of control and I think he has gone into a tail spin now as he's not used to me being like this. If it was just this as an isolated incident I would take him at his word but every time I try to better my self professionally he always has something negative to say about it. I can't figure out if this is just what he says it is (fear of me being hurt), an insecurity about me having a job and a part of my world he is not involved in or just pure insecurity that I will be working in a setting which is predominantly all men, both staff and inmates. His words, 'if you want to play at being Agent Starling then it's up to you, but don't expect me to support you.' My friend was shocked at how patronizing this was but I am so used to him speaking to me like this when he's cross I didn't even respond that much to it.

So, do I give in and not do it for the sake of my relationship but then run the risk of resenting him for never finding out where this job of a lifetime (for me) could have taken me? Or do I go for it and hope that in time he will accept it? Am I being selfish and ungrateful? I just don't know anymore!

I would say he’s worried about you being In a prison. BUT He also sounds like a complete jerk and very immature. You want someone who supports you in life and is positive. Not this negative jerk.

Until last August I ran a successful business and before that I was a teacher. I am now a student again studying an MA but not being in work and being a kept woman has been killing me. I have always worked and been very independent, living many years as a single mother with a successful career and good income.

With your past experience as a teacher, you could work as a substitute or a tutor. Flexible schedule. I did it while studying for my masters (did both full time) and completing my internship. It isn't much, but it gives you money.

Now I only have enough to buy food and fuel and I can't even give my kids any pocket money.

Your daughter is an adult. Why isn't she working?

But my partner is dead against the idea, stating that I will get raped and murdered and that I am being selfish and single minded and it will be him that has to tell all of our children that I have been killed at work.

I have interned at a juvenile detention center (my husband was also nervous, but was assured that I would be well protected). Very secured and you always have a guard with you. The student cooperation is actually higher than kids in a public school. You do need to have a thick skin to do the job. There are also "charmers" to watch for. But raped and murdered, no.

I always back down and say sorry in an argument

Hopefully you didn't do this as a teacher. You can't afford to do this while teaching in a prison. Something to watch for.

He has said himself in the past that he cannot cope when he feels out of control and I think he has gone into a tail spin now as he's not used to me being like this. If it was just this as an isolated incident I would take him at his word but every time I try to better my self professionally he always has something negative to say about it.

This is a red flag. He wants to be in control. He had control over you financially and he was used to you backing down. This habit won't change. Him belittling you is not acceptable.

My friend was shocked at how patronizing this was but I am so used to him speaking to me like this when he's cross I didn't even respond that much to it.

Why is your friend involved in this?? It's not his/her business. Keep them out of it. Don't even bring your family into this battle. This is between YOU and your boyfriend.

So, do I give in and not do it for the sake of my relationship but then run the risk of resenting him for never finding out where this job of a lifetime (for me) could have taken me? Or do I go for it and hope that in time he will accept it? Am I being selfish and ungrateful?

He has given you a clear answer. The ball is in your court. You need to decide what is more important... This career or this man. Nobody on this forum can make this decision for you. I personally don't like how he is making a habit of bringing you down that it would give me second thoughts about staying in the relationship if I were you.

However, I think you both need to go to counseling and find a compromise/middle ground (if any).

I have two very distinct argument points.

First of all, your husband sounds like a controlling and manipulative jerk.

Being the main financial contributor doesn't give you any more control of finances then your PARTNER.

I make a lot more than my wife and we still have equal financial say. That is how marriage should be in my opinion.

There are so many things you have said about him that are huge red flags to me.

That being said...

There is no way I would ever be ok with my wife, who is a teacher, working at a prison.

It would destroy me. I would be stressed out all the time if she did.

My uncle worked in a prison (guard) and I have heard enough stories that I wouldn't ever be comfortable with it.

But the disclaimer to that is that I have no doubts my wife would listen to my concerns and never take a job like that.

But I would also listen to her if she had concerns about other things. Which she did when I was thinking about being a police officer, and I never took the job I was offered because of many things, but her opinion being up there on reasons.

So if he doesn't respect your opinion on things them why should you respect his?

But to me that is a terrible logic to use in a relationship because of the disrespect for each other.

I would either work on mutual respect or end it. I wouldnt be cool with just disregarding one another.

Thank you for your feed back, Snny

With your past experience as a teacher, you could work as a substitute or a tutor. Flexible schedule. I did it while studying for my masters (did both full time) and completing my internship. It isn't much, but it gives you money.

 

I have worked as a supply teacher many times but I am hoping this will be a long term job. It is only part time initially so I can still study but it could lead to more later on.

 

 

Your daughter is an adult. Why isn't she working?

She is, full time and doing a BA. She doesn't live with us. Don't know why I mentioned it really, just to give the overall picture I guess!

 

 

I have interned at a juvenile detention center. Very secured and you always have a guard with you. The student cooperation is actually higher than kids in a public school. You do need to have a thick skin to do the job. There are also "charmers" to watch for. But raped and murdered, no.

I've heard about the charmers and actually had a friend who was a prison teacher and she fell for an inmate. She was young though. I am nearly 40 now and don't succumb quite so easily to charmers, I see right through people like that!

 

 

Hopefully you didn't do this as a teacher. You can't afford to do this while teaching in a prison. Something to watch for.

 

No, only with him as I live with him, love him and hate the sulking so I try to avoid it at as much as possible. Otherwise I am very strong minded and certainly don't back down to bad behaviour. In fact my teacher training included additional training in behaviour support and I have always specialised in teaching lower sets and difficult groups.

 

 

This is a red flag. He wants to be in control. He had control over you financially and he was used to you backing down. This habit won't change. Him belittling you is not acceptable.

Yep, I know. Which is another reason I think I should do this job. I think it might do us both good in the long run if I stand my ground now. That way he can get used to experiencing feeling out of control and realising that actually sometimes it is ok. He knew me as a good friend for three years before we got together so it's not like my career drive come as a shock to him.

 

 

Why is your friend involved in this?? It's not his/her business. Keep them out of it. Don't even bring your family into this battle. This is between YOU and your boyfriend.

 

Agreed. I haven't told anyone else that he said this, just needed someone to talk to. Only thing I have told anyone else is that he is uncomfortable with it and really only to stop them bringing it up in front of him. I'm not in the habit of moaning about him to all and sundry, no good comes of that and I feel it is disrespectful. Also, I know he doesn't berate me to his friends or family.

 

 

He has given you a clear answer. The ball is in your court. You need to decide what is more important... This career or this man. Nobody on this forum can make this decision for you. I personally don't like how he is making a habit of bringing you down that it would give me second thoughts about staying in the relationship if I were you.

 

I guess I totally know this but I do love him very much, more than I have anyone else and we are very close. Too close maybe, that it can be quite intense.

 

However, I think you both need to go to counseling and find a compromise/middle ground (if any).

I would like counseling but tbh I think I would need a counselor just to get him to counseling!

Thanks again :)

Do you honestly think this is some missed out life long career opportunity or are you simply that desperate?

If you need money, there are better ways to go about it than teaching in a prison. Take up tutoring for example. Flexible hours and good money. Especially private tutoring.

If you quit your business to focus on the MA, then tutoring part time at either uni or kids will certainly help you a lot and give you plenty of flexibility on hours. If you are seriously looking for a full time job, again, so many better options.

Why is your self esteem so low? Serious question. What's happening with you in that respect? Don't say it's just about money, it isn't.

Wow. That is some seriously informative feedback, thank you. That's what I was getting at when I said if it was an isolated incident it would be different. But there always seems to be a problem with everything I try and do, not just this, which is what makes me suspect he is being slightly disingenuous with his reasons for me not doing it. This control thing seems to be creeping up and I don't really know why. Therefore I feel I should nip it in the bud before it gets worse. We've only lived together since September so I feel if I act now I can fix it and break this pattern of behaviour. His ex-wife was very domineering and I wonder if this has something to do with it. Still no excuse to become that person himself though!

I know that guards get a very hard time but as a civilian member of staff I think it would be different as I am only in for short periods teaching those who want to be taught, not making them do a lot of daily tasks that they don't want to do. Plus I am in Devon in the UK, and the job would be in a Cat C prison housing 'non-violent, white collar criminals' as they term it. That said, they are still criminals, I know this too. I will certainly give serious thought to what you have said.

ps you sound like a lovely couple!

That being said...

 

There is no way I would ever be ok with my wife, who is a teacher, working at a prison.

 

It would destroy me. I would be stressed out all the time if she did.

 

My uncle worked in a prison (guard) and I have heard enough stories that I wouldn't ever be comfortable with it.

 

 

But the disclaimer to that is that I have no doubts my wife would listen to my concerns and never take a job like that.

 

I've taught in San Quentin, the hardest part is the emotional labor of looking directly into our broken "justice" system.

Working in prison was hard on me emotionally, but perfectly safe. I was in my class room without guards. I've been through lock downs and not been able to leave for a few hours. It's hard to do but it's one of the most worth while jobs I've ever had. It's rare that you get a chance to work with people in so much need.

I was a LOT less likely to be raped or assaulted while working in prison then I am walking down the street.

I've always been interested in offender learning, just never really had the opportunity before now, kids, location etc. I do see it as a potential long term career yes. I have just secured an online teaching job also (which oddly enough still wasn't met with much enthusiasm and I won't even be leaving the house for that!) But that is purely for money, I also want a job that is challenging and that I can sink my teeth into and actually means leaving the house.

It's only recently my esteem has sunk. It's not the money entirely, it's a combination of just not working, being a kept woman (many women's dream but not for me) and being nearly 40! I'm doing lots though, I go to the gym, my grades are good and I am getting my mojo back day by day! Thank you for your feedback.

Thank you rosephase, that is also very helpful. :)

Part of the problem is your continuous placating of this passive aggressive, manipulative and controlling fool. You need to stand up for yourself. Stop apologizing.

Do what you feel comfortable doing.

Excellent advice from Rosephase. Take the job if the pay/benefits are good and it's something you want to do. It's noble to teach, even in this population. Don't be intimidated by anyone, especially a passive-aggressive control freak. Then take a lot of your pay and put it aside for yourself and your children. Nobody's business but yours. He's not your husband or father of your kids, so you do indeed need to watch out for yourself and them.

there always seems to be a problem with everything I try and do, not just this, which is what makes me suspect he is being slightly disingenuous with his reasons for me not doing it. This control thing seems to be creeping up and I don't really know why. Cat C prison housing 'non-violent, white collar criminals' as they term it.

I've taught in San Quentin, the hardest part is the emotional labor of looking directly into our broken "justice" system.

 

Working in prison was hard on me emotionally, but perfectly safe. I was in my class room without guards. I've been through lock downs and not been able to leave for a few hours. It's hard to do but it's one of the most worth while jobs I've ever had. It's rare that you get a chance to work with people in so much need.

 

I was a LOT less likely to be raped or assaulted while working in prison then I am walking down the street.

He also found a murdered guard while on duty.

This is from a TN state prison. He never mentioned teachers but I know that one of the female counselors was stalked and murder by a former inmate.

I don't doubt that it can be very safe. I also am not defending this @sshole husband in his controlling nature.

I am simply saying that if your spouse truly is in fear for you, whether justified or not, it should be listened too.

Dismissing concern from a loved one is not something I would do.

I do find this to be a moot point, because I wouldn't be with a jerk like this guy anyways.

But just as my wife asked me not to join the force I would ask her not to take this job. Because if I can't be logical in my mind about it it doesn't matter the actual situation, because I will drive myself insane.

If I was the OP I would just tell her husband that she is taking the job unless they have a real equal say in all things and him not be a controlling douche.

They are not married.

They are not married.

If you were my wife I’d be thinking a couple things. Like, she must like the bad boys. And the fact you always give in (i.e. submissive) Youde be easy prey. And the protection only applies at work. Not when they get out. No, I can’t say I’d be ok with my wife having contact with inmates.

so I feel if I act now I can fix it and break this pattern of behaviour

You are thinking like a teacher here. :)

I had trouble with this when I was teaching for a few years... Getting used to the mentality and demeanor and bringing that home. You cannot treat or talk to your partner like he is your student. He is an adult. You cannot FIX, CHANGE, or SHAPE his behavior. There shouldn't be "nipping in the bud" with him at all, but you should assert boundaries. The only person who is responsible for that change (and wanting it) is him. This is who he is.

If you were my wife I’d be thinking a couple things. Like, she must like the bad boys. And the fact you always give in (i.e. submissive) Youde be easy prey. And the protection only applies at work. Not when they get out. No, I can’t say I’d be ok with my wife having contact with inmates.

Good thing I don't have you as my husband. When I taught/interned/did clinical, I did it because I was fascinated by the conventions and aspects of mental health. In my country, 70% inmates suffer with mental health because the justice system is imperfect. I grew up with a disability and felt my calling to help adolescents who had it far worse than me. The experience opened my eyes about the thinking process and challenges of at-risk youth.

I definitely agree with the submissive part. That is something the OP will need to work on and grow into her role. She will need to be extremely careful of not sharing personal information about herself; Not talking about what kind of car she drives, where she lives, where she goes out to eat/vacations, who lives in her house, or whether or not she is armed at home. The "charmers" are very crafty at getting that information (and that seems to be the people she will be teaching if they are "non-violent"... Typically the sex offenders). She has to be extremely confidential about her personal life and how she carries herself around them.

The most challenging part is being able to separate yourself from the inmates emotionally. You want to pity them and open up to obtain their trust as a teacher would in a regular school, but that could cost you.

Thank you that is very good idea.

If you were my wife I’d be thinking a couple things. Like, she must like the bad boys. And the fact you always give in (i.e. submissive) Youde be easy prey. And the protection only applies at work. Not when they get out. No, I can’t say I’d be ok with my wife having contact with inmates.

I don't think even he thinks that tbh. I'm not a teenager. But I do think he probably thinks that because I'm submissive with him that inmates have the potential to take advantage of me also. Kind of like, 'I can break her so someone else could too'. But like I said in an earlier response, they don't have an emotional hold on me that he does. I'm really good at dealing with conflict and maintaining a calm demeanor in the face of frantic goings on. Just not with him.

You are thinking like a teacher here. :)

 

I had trouble with this when I was teaching for a few years... Getting used to the mentality and demeanor and bringing that home. You cannot treat or talk to your partner like he is your student. He is an adult. You cannot FIX, CHANGE, or SHAPE his behavior. There shouldn't be "nipping in the bud" with him at all, but you should assert boundaries. The only person who is responsible for that change (and wanting it) is him. This is who he is.

 

Very true. I do need to set some boundaries. We started communicating this morning and I think I can see the problem. He listens to what I'm saying but he doesn't hear it or take it seriously. Something he did this morning made me realise that. So I need to find a better way of getting him to understand. That way I think we might get somewhere. He's not a bad person and he does want to look after me and my children. He just needs to learn that bad things don't always happen just because you are not in control of a situation. You just emotionally exhaust yourself that way, and I think that's what he has done.

 

 

Good thing I don't have you as my husband. When I taught/interned/did clinical, I did it because I was fascinated by the conventions and aspects of mental health. In my country, 70% inmates suffer with mental health because the justice system is imperfect. I grew up with a disability and felt my calling to help adolescents who had it far worse than me. The experience opened my eyes about the thinking process and challenges of at-risk youth.

 

Absolutely yes. When he asked me why I wanted to do this job I explained that whilst no one wants to work with a sex offender, somebody has to do it. We would all like to see them locked away forever and the key thrown away. However that is not what happens and sooner or later these people are let back out into society. If I can be part of a team that helps to rehabilitate these people and protect innocent people from harm then I can't think of a more rewarding job than that.

 

I definitely agree with the submissive part. That is something the OP will need to work on and grow into her role. She will need to be extremely careful of not sharing personal information about herself; Not talking about what kind of car she drives, where she lives, where she goes out to eat/vacations, who lives in her house, or whether or not she is armed at home. The "charmers" are very crafty at getting that information (and that seems to be the people she will be teaching if they are "non-violent"... Typically the sex offenders). She has to be extremely confidential about her personal life and how she carries herself around them.

 

Very good advice, thank you.

 

The most challenging part is being able to separate yourself from the inmates emotionally. You want to pity them and open up to obtain their trust as a teacher would in a regular school, but that could cost you.

Again, yes. It's about finding a balance. I will learn this in my training I'm sure.

When you've discussed as a couple what the future plans would be after you ending your business and being a 'kept woman' ( as you put it), what did you both agree to?

I'm wondering what his vision of your future together looks like?

I really think that if you have not been working, right off the bat working at a prison rather than getting a more conventional role and navigating your relationship now that things have changed and you are working is probably a better option. There is no way in heck my guy would be okay with me working in a prison based on his perceptions. If it were a woman-only facility he might feel a tad more comfortable, but not much more.

The kept woman thing was only ever going to be for the first semester of my MA so I had time to get to grips with it, focus on it but still have time for my family. That's done now, my assignments have been submitted and marked and now I'm ready to return to work. That was always the plan. I just think that he quickly got very used to having me at home and now he doesn't want it to change. But it has to. Before I actually go mad and end up in a prison myself!

I really think that if you have not been working, right off the bat working at a prison rather than getting a more conventional role and navigating your relationship now that things have changed and you are working is probably a better option. There is no way in heck my guy would be okay with me working in a prison based on his perceptions. If it were a woman-only facility he might feel a tad more comfortable, but not much more.

Yes that's very true, it's probably come as a massive shock to him. When I told him I'd applied I told him quite casually because I was so convinced that I would be good at this job I just naturally assumed that he would be too. I very foolishly did not entertain the idea that he would fly off the handle like that. But knowing him like I do I should have foreseen this and approached it differently. I am not afraid to admit where I've made mistakes! I don't know if he'd be more comfortable with me working in a female prison.