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I signed up for the gym my fiancee had just recently signed up to so i could be with him. I had spent $200 to start and then $50 per month. Alot of money IMO but i did it so we could get fit together. I want to be fit for my wedding dress/day. He know this. anyways, not even two days goes by and he tells me his friends are gonna come. I get wanting to be with them but i couldve just gone to the gym with my girls elsewhere for only $22 a month.... So I got upset. Today he said hes made so many compromises with me .. so hes mad that they cant come. But then why did i spend that much for you to wanna do your own thing? He said his friends can help him but I wanted to reach our goals TOGETHER. He says im an idiot and to cancel my membership... and now im even more mad ... so am i wrong for getting mad? :/

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Does he normally call you names when he gets mad? I would not stand for that, and neither should you.

 

No, you're not wrong to be irritated. But it appears this gym issue is the not the biggest problem in your relationship. What other compromises does he feel he's made?

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sadfifi,

 

Did he ask you to join the same gym? Did you at least talked to him that you wanted to join to train together and what did he say?

 

And, actually, what does getting fit together mean to you? Running on adjacent treadmills, holding hands? Cheering him, while he heavy lifts? (I don't say women can't heavy lift - they can and they're awesome!)

And why can't his friends be around, too?

 

If he never shared your romanticized view on fitness activities, there's no ground to get mad.

I don't mean couples don't need quality time and/or shared activities at all but maybe this particular one needn't be one of them.

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sadfifi,

 

Did he ask you to join the same gym? Did you at least talked to him that you wanted to join to train together and what did he say?

 

And, actually, what does getting fit together mean to you? Running on adjacent treadmills, holding hands? Cheering him, while he heavy lifts?

And why can't his friends be around, too?

 

If he never shared your romanticized view on fitness activities, there's no ground to get mad.

I don't mean couples don't need quality time and/or shared activities at all but maybe this particular one needn't be one of them.

 

The visual of this is cracking me up!

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Playing the victim can be an emotional blackmail, too.

But I don't think the OP's post contains enough information to conclude that any of them is a jerk or that their relationship is no good.

 

Yes, I read about saying you're an idiot. To me, it depends on the context it was said in.

With rage and rudeness it can be abusive. With calmness and humor it might be okay. Like a synonym of someone, who's acting silly.

(In teenage years we've used the word as an affectionate nickname with friends sometimes.)

I don't have the same opinion for all offensive words. I wouldn't have it even for 'idiot' if it was clear it was used with malice.

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I go to the gym fairly regularly and you see couples working out. In the vast majority of cases, he is over there doing his thing and she is over the other side doing hers. That is how it was when my partners and I would go to the gym together. We would always be at the gym together, not necessarily working out together.

 

Guys and girls work out in different ways. And when guys work out together, they push each other. 'Oh, you can lift that much? I bet I can do that too, with an extra couple of kilos.'

 

Couples working out together, doing the same machines have to lower to the lowest common denominator, and that is usually the woman. This is because we are different.

 

As CanuckaMiss has stated already, there is more going on here.

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A few things -

1. Like others said, what did you envision for working out together?

2. His friends will not end up coming every time you two go together. I can guarantee that with 100% certainty. So what’s the issue of a few times?

3. Are you saving you ONLY want to go to the gym with him? So he only gets you and you only get him?

4. And anyway, do you really think you’ll both go together, and only together, 100% of the time?

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Or maybe they are taking fitness classes together? Not JUST working out on their own? My husband and I have done Zumba and Yoga together. But when we go on our own time, we are doing our own thing. I personally prefer working out alone or with a trainer for pushing myself.

 

I agree that paying $50 per month is way overpriced. Should of spoken with your fiance about it before committing yourself to it.

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Sure, his friends want to go to a Zumba class with him, thus ruining their private moment. :D

 

Of course couples can go working out together, class training or not.

But not everyone loves to do it with a SO. It's not something that is expected. It's something to talk about first.

 

I asked what is OP's idea about it and if her fiancé shares it.

If they both agreed on doing it together and later he acted like that - that's one thing. I'll support the jerk theory then.

But if nobody asked him about his training preferences, spent a lot of money to force something onto him and made a scene when he didn't play along - that's another story.

 

It may be something in between, of course.

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Yeah, sorry. Not gonna pigeon-hole this guy as the abusive jerk when you're attempting to bar his friends from going to the gym with him. As bad as it is, there are worse things than calling someone an idiot, emotional blackmail and controlling someone's social life being chief among them.

 

Did he ask you to join this gym for your benefit as a couple? Tell you that he only wants to work out with you? I love my lady to death, but fewer things sound more miserable than making her my workout buddy.

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sadfifi,

 

Did he ask you to join the same gym? Did you at least talked to him that you wanted to join to train together and what did he say?

 

And, actually, what does getting fit together mean to you? Running on adjacent treadmills, holding hands? Cheering him, while he heavy lifts? (I don't say women can't heavy lift - they can and they're awesome!)

And why can't his friends be around, too?

 

If he never shared your romanticized view on fitness activities, there's no ground to get mad.

I don't mean couples don't need quality time and/or shared activities at all but maybe this particular one needn't be one of them.

 

LOL at "running on adjacent treadmills holding hands." That was funny, thx is for the chuckle!

 

Even funnier is if I ever actually witnessed that for real!

 

Seriously though, I agree with you.

 

OP, if you didn't discuss your plan for more togetherness while getting fit beforehand, then try and chill.

 

Perhaps he enjoyed his own separate space during this time, and you arbitrarily imposed yourself on that without even discussing with him first.

 

And as if that's not bad enough, throwing a fit when he wants to hang with his friends.

 

Some might even consider your behavior controlling, so be careful with that.

 

As for him calling you an idiot, well not saying it's right, but sounds like he reacted in the moment when feeling pushed and pressured.

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To answer your title, yes you are in the wrong.

 

Sounds like you simply imposed yourself, spent the money, never talked to him about what you are doing and then threw a fit when he told you his friends are coming to work out too. Like why would his friends be an issue anyway? How on earth do you envision working out together other than arriving in the same car and leaving in the same car. As others already pointed out, men and women do different things. If you are serious about losing weight, then be serious - spend a few extra bucs to have a trainer design a good workout for you to get you to your goal and go at it. Let your fiance do his thing with his buddies.

 

For a happy marriage - communication is critical. The other little known thing is learning how to give each other personal space - it's critical or else you'll end up getting on each others nerves like crazy.

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I don't know very many guys that would choose to work out with their girlfriends. I enjoy running, and I would be pissed if my husband suddenly decided that he was going to be my running buddy. My runs are MY time, and literally the ONLY time I get to be BY MYSELF. He's said a few times "Why don't you take the dog with you?" or "Maybe our daughter can ride her bike with you while you run." And I quickly shot both of those down. I need solitude sometimes, and did not appreciate him trying to impose on my time alone. Thankfully, he understood, because he'd feel the same if I tried to start joining him at the gym every day.

 

You should apologize to your boyfriend, cancel your gym membership, and let him have his own time.

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Can you get a refund? Let him go with his friends and you go with yours. It's healthier all around. Stop joined-at-the-hip behaviors now. Couples need space and individual time to grow and remain interesting to each other. You didn't "spend it for him" you spent it for you. He should not be calling you names but he didn't ask you to join and pay "for him"

I signed up for the gym my fiancee had just recently signed up to so i could be with him. He know this. anyways, not even two days goes by and he tells me his friends are gonna come. i couldve just gone to the gym with my girls elsewhere for only $22 a month. I wanted to reach our goals TOGETHER.
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Well HE DID ask me to join. He took me there for me join. And he knows that I wanted to work out with him. Basically atm we do similar . Our leg workout is the same cuz we wait for one another to finish their set so the next could use the machine. He made me

Come to this gym because he didn’t want me going by myself with my girls to another one. He got mad when I almost did a trial at the other gym .. so yea . Take what you want from what I wrote .

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I just want us to meet our goals together. We do similar workouts. And I mean come on if you’re gonna take me to your gym to sign up and then just randomly tell me after that your friends are there then why waste my time -.- I could’ve just went with my friends to the other gym. So I’m guessimg he doesn’t want me at another gym so he could see what I’m doing ... he got mad when I mentioned going to the gym with my girls so . Unfair. I made a compromise with him as well ....

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Well HE DID ask me to join. He took me there for me join. And he knows that I wanted to work out with him. Basically atm we do similar . Our leg workout is the same cuz we wait for one another to finish their set so the next could use the machine. He made me

Come to this gym because he didn’t want me going by myself with my girls to another one. He got mad when I almost did a trial at the other gym .. so yea . Take what you want from what I wrote .

This isn't about the gym membership, it's about a power play. He guilts you into joining his gym, didn't want you with your friends and got upset that you almost did a trial at another one?

 

You saw it as a compromise, which in turn costs more money - and then by him throwing his friends in the mix (while you are now away from working out with yours) You merely touch on that and he insults you?

 

Does that describe it better?

 

If so. . .you got bigger problems

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This isn't about the gym membership, it's about a power play. He guilts you into joining his gym, didn't want you with your friends and got upset that you almost did a trial at another one?

 

You saw it as a compromise, which in turn costs more money - and then by him throwing his friends in the mix (while you are now away from working out with yours) You merely touch on that and he insults you?

 

Does that describe it better?

 

If so. . .you got bigger problems

 

 

 

Yes that’s exactly what I mean!

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I don't know very many guys that would choose to work out with their girlfriends. I enjoy running, and I would be pissed if my husband suddenly decided that he was going to be my running buddy. My runs are MY time, and literally the ONLY time I get to be BY MYSELF. He's said a few times "Why don't you take the dog with you?" or "Maybe our daughter can ride her bike with you while you run." And I quickly shot both of those down. I need solitude sometimes, and did not appreciate him trying to impose on my time alone. Thankfully, he understood, because he'd feel the same if I tried to start joining him at the gym every day.

 

You should apologize to your boyfriend, cancel your gym membership, and let him have his own time.

 

 

Apologize for what exactly??? Trying to make him happy by not going with my female friends (he literally got mad at me for wanting to) and going to join the gym with him (we joined AT THE SAME TIME btw) . So now I have to say sorry and cancel my membership??? You really expect me to apologize to him .... give me a break.

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I signed up for the gym my fiancee had just recently signed up to so i could be with him. I had spent $200 to start and then $50 per month. Alot of money IMO but i did it so we could get fit together. I want to be fit for my wedding dress/day. He know this. anyways, not even two days goes by and he tells me his friends are gonna come. I get wanting to be with them but i couldve just gone to the gym with my girls elsewhere for only $22 a month.... So I got upset. Today he said hes made so many compromises with me .. so hes mad that they cant come. But then why did i spend that much for you to wanna do your own thing? He said his friends can help him but I wanted to reach our goals TOGETHER. He says im an idiot and to cancel my membership... and now im even more mad ... so am i wrong for getting mad? :/

 

 

By “recently signed up for” I mean the exact same day. So he signed up in the morning and then when I was done work he took me to sign up. It’s not like I just got it after him being there all the time.

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You still got overly upset because he wanted to take his friends to the gym. It's ONE DAY, it shouldn't have been a big deal.

 

And I see now that you've gotten advice you didn't like, you've added more details that change the situation completely.

 

Seeing as you become defensive when you get advice opposing your view, go ahead and continue being angry with him. Best of luck to you.

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Yes that’s exactly what I mean!

 

This isn't about the gym membership, it's about a power play. He guilts you into joining his gym, didn't want you with your friends and got upset that you almost did a trial at another one?

 

You saw it as a compromise, which in turn costs more money - and then by him throwing his friends in the mix (while you are now away from working out with yours) You merely touch on that and he insults you?

 

Does that describe it better?

 

If so. . .you got bigger problems

 

sadfifi,

 

It seems you're still under the influence of the conflict and you write in a bit chaotic manner.

No need to lose your nerves here, we can't know the picture without your input.

And in the original post you stressed on things that didn't necessarily justify getting mad.

 

Putting all that aside...

This situation makes zero sense on his side. Zero.

If things are the way reinventmyself described, I wouldn't be just mad.

I would be deep, deeeeep in thought what is really going on in the relationship.

 

When you talked about this incident, how did he explain his contradictory behavior?

Is this the first situation he plays you like that?

Why did he say you are the idiot?

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I guess I don't get why you can't keep going to this gym by yourself or with your friends? You and your fiance don't need to work out together every time, nor do you need him to be there if you want to work out.

 

I completely agree with this and also I'd consider why he has to be focused on you getting more fit to look different in a wedding dress you're going to wear for one day? Fine for a personal goal -why does that need to be a couple goal? Here's what I would do - chill on the "bringing the friends" thing - and why not go for a run or power walk with him one morning or evening so that you're actually doing something together. Or take a dance class together which also might help with your wedding reception.

 

Finally I'd consider reevaluating your ultimate goal -maybe if he sees that you want to make this a life change, and not a wedding-dress-focused change, he might be more on board with figuring out a time you can both go together and as a couple more of the time.

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