Sudden break-up with girlfriend following her having a mental breakdown - what do I do?

Just a quick disclaimer that this is quite a long and complicated story, so apologies there.

I met my girlfriend almost exactly a year ago in March 2017. We met on a dating app, and from the first date, we both knew we were really keen on each other. However, within the first few weeks of us seeing each other, my best friend suddenly dies due to cancer. For a few months, I was really depressed, but my gf stuck by me, even though she had only just met me. She supported me a lot during that period, and I don't know how I could've got through it all without her. Everything about our relationship is fantastic; the sex is 10/10 every time, we both get on with each others parents, we have a lot of fun together and we both know that we can rely on the other person for help if something bad happens. I attend her graduation (she's a recently qualified nurse, 22 years old, I'm a 25 year old scientist), meet her parents, she spends a lot of time with me and my family (I'm living at home, she's renting in a nearby town whilst working). We go on our first holiday together in October, and we have an amazing time together. A couple months before that (August 2017) she brings up the idea of me and her moving in together - I tell her I'd love to, as soon as I get a new job closer to home (at the time, I was commuting 1hr to work, and wanted to get a different job anyway) and once her tenancy runs out in Summer 2018. This January, I get offered this really great opportunity to do an industrial PhD, working for a nearby company & university - both of which are within a few miles of where I live, my girlfriend lives, and where her job is located. It seems like everything has worked out perfectly; me and my gf are now actively looking at places to live nearby, trying to work out what we can afford, and even talking about getting a dog as recently as mid-Feb. We're looking at what festivals to go to in the summer, and she suggests I sign up for a charity run to raise money for her hospice.

However, I started to notice a change in her behaviour around September last year. It begun when she moved into her new house. She ended up in shared accommodation with a load of collage students she doesn't even know. As a nurse, she has to work long and unsociable hours, often having to get up at 5:30am for her early shifts. Her housemates aren't exactly party animals, but they're loud and often make noise until the early hours - which means that my gf has to go to work with only 3 or 4 hours sleep. She tries talking to them about it on several occasions, but they don't seem to realise how badly they're affecting her. The tiredness starts affecting her mental health, and she's frequently having these migraines which render her unable to do her job at times. Before she moved into this house, she'd rarely have migraines (maybe 1 every 3 months) but the longer she's lived in that house, the more migraines she gets, and the more severe they are. In the build-up to Christmas, I'm letting her sleep at my house when she needs to, just so she can get enough sleep to do her job.

Just before Christmas, she gets offered a promotion at the hospice she works at. It's a fantastic opportunity (big pay rise, much more responsibility, essentially her dream job) especially for such a young nurse. Obviously, she accepts the promotion. Unfortunately, she's been taking part in a 12 month grad scheme since she's finished her nursing degree. The people in charge of the scheme are really annoyed that she's going to leave the scheme before it's been completed, and she gets caught up in a political dispute between the hospice and her employers. They try and force her to finish her 12 month grad scheme (even though there's nothing in her contract which says she has to) and she gets treated as a scapegoat by both the hospice and the third party involved. Things escalate, she speaks to her union, lawyers get involved, and the whole thing turns into a huge mess. This continues on throughout January and February, and it seems to be the last straw for her, and she seems to reach breaking point in mid February. A couple weeks ago, she tells my family at the dinner table that she doesn't even know if she wants to be a nurse anymore, she seems completely exhausted all the time, and she seems really dissociated from what's going on around her. By this point, I'm seriously worried about her. I take her out for a belated valentines day meal (she was working night shifts all week) on Sunday 18th, and as soon as we've finished eating, she asks me to take her home, and asks if she can have a nap and fall asleep on my chest. She seems mentally and physically exhausted. By this point in our relationship, I'm feeling like all I do is take care of her when I see her. I don't mind; she was there for me through a difficult time, and I'm just doing the same, you know?

Anyway, a few days later, we're still speaking, but I sense that something is up. She's barely replying. Then, out of the blue, she texts me "Hey, I've had to call in sick for two days, I really don't feel great. You know everything that's been going on- well I've been thinking a lot, Can you come over, we need to talk x". I drive over there straight away. She opens the door, barely even looks at me. She's got huge bags under her eyes, looks like she's been crying for hours. I've never seen her this bad. She gets into her bed, and tells me she's been having a massive migraine for the past 3 days. She's been sent home from work, and her best friend drags her to the doctors. She's been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, they want to see her the next day, and she's been signed off work for the next 2 weeks. Then, she tells me (whilst she's staring at the wall in front of her, shaking, with tears rolling down her face) that she "doesnt like me as much as I like her", that she "thought she'd like more more than she does by this point in our relationship" and that she's been "using me and my family as an emotional crutch for the past 2 months" - and that we need to break up. I'm absolutely stunned; this is the first time she's ever said anything like this. She starts talking about leaving her job, moving back home with her parents (which is like a 5 hour drive away). I tell her that this all seems very rash and sudden, and that I think we should give each other some time and space before rushing into such a big decision. She shakes her head frantically, telling me that we "need to break up NOW" and that she's made her mind up. She tells me that none of this is fair on me. I ask her if there's anything I've done wrong, or anything I could've done differently. She tells me that she can't think of anything, that she doesn't know why she feels like this, and that I've done more than enough for her over the past few months. Once again, she tells me this isn't fair on me. She also tells me that it would've all gone wrong if we'd moved in together, and that I'm better off staying at home whilst I work/study, rather than wasting any more of my time and money on her. She then leaves the room to be sick.

We sit in her bed in silence for what feels like forever. I extend my hands out, and she holds them and squeezes them with hers. I ask her if there's anyone else; for the first time, she looks me in the eye, and tells me that there's never been anyone else, and that it's always been "about me". She then jokes that she wouldn't even have had time to see anyone else with all her shifts at work. I thank her for being there for me when my best friend died, and I start crying. She's crying too, and she thanks me for being there for her over the past few months, and that I've "done more than what any girlfriend would expect from a boyfriend" - she then scorns herself for feeling this way. She tells me that one day, she'd like for us to be friends again, and that she cares for me a lot. She then tells me that she wants to be alone now. So I get up, and she walks up to me, and we give each other this massive hug. We're both squeezing each other really tightly, quietly crying. She runs her hands through my hair and down my face, and kisses me on the forehead and cheek. I ask her if I think we should kiss. She nods. We kiss for the last time, I tell her that all I care about is for her to get better, and then I leave. I was barely in there for 45 minutes, and most of that was spent sat in silence.

This was 8 days ago. I've been reflecting on what happened for the past few days, and I'm still struggling to make sense of it all. I dont think the break-up was pre-meditated, it seems to have been a knee-jerk reaction to her mental breakdown. She's never complained of anything during our relationship, we've never had any serious arguments, the only thing that's really changed is her mental state. I'm really worried about her, but obviously, I don't know what I can even do anymore. I find it hard to believe what she was saying (i.e. about her feelings for me, about her using me for months) because it contradicts everything that's happened before her breakdown. I've spoke to a lot of friends and family about this. The vast majority think that she's just pushing me away because she feels guilty that she's dragging me down with her mental health problems. I've not really contacted her at all since this has happened; my only thought has been to write a letter to her telling her how I feel. This is my first post in a forum; I'd really appreciate hearing what you guys think.

Once again, apologies at how long this is.

Well, first of all she's totally exhausted, and when you're exhausted like that you lose your emotions and you're like a robot. Until she's able to recover, you don't have much of a chance. I'm sure her mind is racing like crazy and spinning around. She's not herself. I've had a couple of bouts with exhaustion in my life, working 60-80 hour weeks for months at a time, and so forth, so I know what it's like. What you needed to do was get her out of that roommate living situation. You might have moved her in to your parent's place if there was room or found her anyplace where she could have gotten some sleep during the day. She sounded like a keeper and you should have done anything possible to try to take care of her needs while she was in condition. You might have even gotten an apartment either together or on your own just to get her well. When my girlfriend got mugged in the basement of her apartment building, I moved her out of there and we moved in together in about a month. She was probably looking to you to be a Prince Charming and rescue her. You didn't so you lost your girlfriend.

It might not be too late if you can get her out of that apartment and get her somewhere where you could nurse her back to health. Otherwise, if you do want to contact her, forget letters. Letters are about you. Send her some cards and flowers and candy to show you care. And save her if you can.

I am sorry you're going through this, OP.

Don't send her a letter right now. She is not in the emotional place to receive an outpouring of your feelings. I would give her plenty of space and show her you can respect her request to be apart. She might indeed come back once she's sorted out her external stress and anxiety, but now is not the time to push for it.

Perhaps in a couple weeks you could touch base with her and she how she is. Don't bring up relationship talk though. Keep any communication light and see how she responds. It will be hard, but if she is uncommunicative then it's your signal to leave her be.

My ex broke up with me out of the blue because of depression anxiety....i knew nothing about it and honestly there is nothing you can do to change her mind. She wont want any loving attention from you and that will push her further away, but then if you stick about for moral support you will end up just being friends. Best to walk away and leave her be, she needs to sort it out on her own. She might come back to you but chances are she will just find someone else in a few months like mine did and repeat the same situation!

To be fair, its hard to deal with someone with depression anxiety and it will eventually take its toll on you because you will never know if they are having a bad day or generally being horrible ! This mean you have to end up taking a lot of c@@p and trying to reason with stuff even when they are in the wrong because their judgment can become clouded.

My ex broke up with me out of the blue because of depression anxiety....i knew nothing about it and honestly there is nothing you can do to change her mind. She wont want any loving attention from you and that will push her further away, but then if you stick about for moral support you will end up just being friends. Best to walk away and leave her be, she needs to sort it out on her own. She might come back to you but chances are she will just find someone else in a few months like mine did and repeat the same situation!

 

To be fair, its hard to deal with someone with depression anxiety and it will eventually take its toll on you because you will never know if they are having a bad day or generally being horrible ! This mean you have to end up taking a lot of c@@p and trying to reason with stuff even when they are in the wrong because their judgment can become clouded.

i would not contact her. flowers, candy, cards, LETTERS are a big no-no. don't think of yourself as her prince charming to rescue her. that is for people who want your help.

I am in a similiar situation with my most recent ex. Like you, i have reason to believe that the break had nothing to do with me or the relationship. its hard because who really knows what is happening with another person, let alone a person with a mental and emotional situation.

As hard as it is, the most supportive thing you can do is relieve the pressure that a relationship causes and back completely off.

Just ride your own feelings out. Focus on you. Take care of you. in time all these "what will happen" feelings and thoughts well quiet down.

focusing on yourself helps you heal and sets you up for what will happen next in your own life. one thing i keep telling myself is - my life is about me. meaning i can't fix his life. i know he's not right, but maybe my life is meant for something else. i don't know.

I also find it comforting to think I'm respecting myself by staying nc. i am showing him and myself, that I'm a quality person that knows my worth. Being pathetic with the begging, calling, etc does not make the other person appreciate you or think you are so great that they couldn't live without you. it actually makes the person think "i can do whatever i want. this person will always be there." and then the balance is off in the relationship and it never works out

do not beat yourself up for how you handled things up to now. Just breathe and focus on being strong for yourself!

Well, first of all she's totally exhausted, and when you're exhausted like that you lose your emotions and you're like a robot. Until she's able to recover, you don't have much of a chance. I'm sure her mind is racing like crazy and spinning around. She's not herself. I've had a couple of bouts with exhaustion in my life, working 60-80 hour weeks for months at a time, and so forth, so I know what it's like. What you needed to do was get her out of that roommate living situation. You might have moved her in to your parent's place if there was room or found her anyplace where she could have gotten some sleep during the day. She sounded like a keeper and you should have done anything possible to try to take care of her needs while she was in condition. You might have even gotten an apartment either together or on your own just to get her well. When my girlfriend got mugged in the basement of her apartment building, I moved her out of there and we moved in together in about a month. She was probably looking to you to be a Prince Charming and rescue her. You didn't so you lost your girlfriend.

 

It might not be too late if you can get her out of that apartment and get her somewhere where you could nurse her back to health. Otherwise, if you do want to contact her, forget letters. Letters are about you. Send her some cards and flowers and candy to show you care. And save her if you can.

Sorry, people shouldn't need or expect to be "saved" by another person. With all due respect, a person should handle their own problems. EVERYONE encounters multiple issues in their lives, and the only ones who thrive are those who depend on themselves rather than others. Help from someone who cares for you is nice and would be appreciated, but to say you were not a good enough boyfriend because you couldn't save her is the classic white knight syndrome talking here. She doesn't need saving, she instead needs to learn better coping skills, but she's dealing with her problems the hard way.

If your girlfriend is so dependent on you that she wants to leave anytime you don't save her, then prepare to be dumped someday as that is not a sustainable healthy relationship dynamic. If it wasn't this situation, then it will be something else you won't see coming, cannot help out with, or solve. She is young and has barely gotten out there yet; she's having a wakeup call. This is called life. It's hard, and it doesn't look like she is prepared to be in a relationship with anyone until she learns the skills in order to thrive in life. Or she will dump any person she's with once again when the going gets tough.

Please do not send her a letter.

In addition to work and apartment issues, one of the biggest stressors one can face is being in a relationship that isn't right for you for ANY reason. Whether it's about timing, external stressors, mental health or anything else that isn't a reflection on you as a partner, it's still a valid reason for a breakup.

I'd back off and trust that if the two of you where ever a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday, but you'll both need to get to that place on your own. You can't rush that--and you can't rush her. I'd focus instead on a private goal of surprising everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this.

That's your percentage play, because if the woman ever wants to reconcile, that needs to come from her without your influence in order for either of you to trust it, and she's capable of contacting you to let you know this. If she never wants to reconcile, then you've still gained the healing you otherwise would thwart with rumination. Either way, you 'win' if you invest in moving yourself forward and flying off of her radar.

Head high.

Hi all,

Thanks for everyone's input. I agree with the point that she shouldn't need/expect to be "saved" by another person. Nor is she the type of girl who'd want to be saved, either. The dynamic in the relationship had certainly shifted over the last month or two, to a situation where I've been supporting her, and it became quite one-sided. I've done as much as I can to help her, but I think the root cause of her problems (her living situation, her job situation) needs to change before she can start to get better. I think her mental health has been declining for months now, and I think only now has she (and also I) realised the full extent of it, now that she's been signed off of work. It should've been dealt with months ago; I'd been asking her to go to the doctors for a while, as has her friends. I think she's known deep down that she isn't herself, but she's not sought the help she needs until now. Prior to this, she's not really had any history of mental health problems, so I think it's possible that she didn't recognise the signs, and she's just tried to continue as if nothings wrong. I think this probably played a big part in her having a breakdown.

In the meantime, I've seen that she's gone back home to be with her family whilst she's signed off work, which is actually a massive relief to me. I think it'll be good for her to be at home where her family can look after her and comfort her. I also noticed a couple days later after seeing a post on social media that her hamster had died whilst she'd gone away. It may seem a bit silly, but I know that that hamster meant a lot to her, and she was telling me in the last few weeks that she'd be really sad when she died. So I sent her a short message telling her I was sorry to see the hamster had died, and that I was thinking of her. She messaged back a few minutes later, thanking me and told me she appreciated it. I wasn't planning on contacting her at all/for a while, but it felt right to message her under the circumstances and let her know I still cared.

I think right now, she's probably not in the right headspace to have any serious discussions or any proper contact with me at the moment. I think if I did contact/try and see her, it'd be for selfish reasons and probably make the situation worse. So I've decided to leave things for a while, so I can focus on starting my PhD and getting my life in gear. I've also booked in a session at the gym with my personal trainer to help take my mind off of things and give me something positive to focus on. I've decided to write the letter anyway, for my own benefit, so I can get my thoughts down on paper at the very least, but I'm not planning on sending it anytime soon. I don't think it'd go down particularly well.

One of my best friends made the point that "If she genuinely likes you and wants a future with you, she'll realise this once she's in a better place mentally. If she doesn't feel that way, then it obviously wasn't right in the first place, and by then, you'll have started to move on anyway." - which helped massively. As much as this absolutely sucks, I think this situation is kinda out of my hands for now.

good friend and advice.

This is all for the best.

UPDATE:

A few days after my last message, I kinda caved. I saw that my ex had returned back to work early after she'd been signed off by the doctor. On social media, she'd uploaded a new profile picture of herself, put her status (very publically) as "single", and I'd even seen that she was on dating apps (tinder, etc) - all of these things got to me. At the time, I was so anxious over what had happened that I wasn't sleeping properly (I'd keep waking up in the middle of the night, panicking) or eating properly (my appetite had disappeared) - for my own sanity, I felt I had to message her.

I sent her a message asking how she was, and we had a semi-civil conversation. She played down my concerns about her mental health and said that she was "doing fine now" and that she was "just a bit stressed beforehand". I then asked if it'd be possible for me to have an opportunity to say how I feel about what's happened between us, not because I wanted to change her mind, but so that I could get some form of closure on the situation before I start my PhD. She tells me that there's nothing left to say, and that she already knows how I feel, and all I'm doing is dragging it out. I tell her that she's wrong to assume how I feel, especially when I was never given the opportunity to say it. She tells me that we "both need to focus on other things now" and once again accuses me of dragging it out. I stress one last time how much it'd mean to me just to get my feelings off of my chest, and that I don't think I'm being particularly unreasonable in doing so, after all we've been through.

She then says that she's really sorry, that she understands it means a lot to me, but that she feels she cannot do it, and that it will cause nothing but hurt for herself and I, and that she's nowhere near ready to talk to me again, nor does she want to. I basically say to her "If that's how you feel, then fair enough. I respect that. I won't bother you anymore. Goodbye" - after that, I delete her off of social media. Speaking to her felt like banging my head against a brick wall, I wasn't sure what I was expecting. Next time I (stupidly) look at her social media, it's another new picture where she's humble-bragging about how "how much weight she's lost at the gym over the past month" - and she's gone through both facebook and instagram and systemically deleted every single picture of me/me and her together, as if the relationship never happened/existed. It's safe to say that I'm not looking at her on social media anymore.

I know that moving on is hard, as I've done it plenty of times before, and I'm trying my best to do so in a healthy way. But I've never had a break-up quite as shocking as this, with next-to-no explanation. I'm trying hard to focus on myself, surrounding myself with friends, working out at the gym, focusing on my new job/PhD which I've started. But this break-up is constantly in the back of my mind; I'm struggling to accept something that I can't even understand. My mind swings from one conclusion to the next, and the more I look at her behaviour, the less sense any of it makes. Ultimately, I know that it doesn't actually change the position I'm in. We've broken up, and she's made it clear that she doesn't want to even discuss it with me. I just felt I deserved some answers. Now all I seem to do is doubt everything - our relationship, my own judgement, her as a person (was she even mentally unwell?) and it's absolutely horrible. More than anything, I'm just ranting right now. Feel free to post any thoughts you've got on it, as I'm struggling right now.

If you view her mental issues as the reason for the breakup, that could lead you to believe that there will be a reconciliation after she gets 'better'. However, if you view her need to break up as part of the reason for her mental breakdown, then you may find it easier to accept that she may get better after the stress of the breakup has passed, but this doesn't mean she'll want to reconcile.

Nobody 'owes' us closure, that's up to us.

Head high, you can do this.

mazeeb- hi!

I followed your story from the beginning and really felt for you, bc i had a similar situation with my break up.

It is a shock to see them carrying on with life when they seen such a mess and that was the cause of the breakup.

It's been about 2 months now and I have not had any contact. Throughout that whole two months. I went through a lot of thoughts and emotions. My advice to you is to just continue to ignore her, don't look at her social media, and try to ride out the emotional rollercoaster.

Like I said it's been about 2 months and it's only in the last couple days that I'm starting to feel like myself again.

So I do think while it's very difficult to go through if you just stay the course, start over with no contact, and feel how you feel and then push yourself to do something more constructive with your time. control your thoughts to think about how you deserve better, how you will find better, how you are better off. because now you know it's over and the other details really dont matter.

I think that she has some form of a problem. But it's not your problem. She's made it clear and any attempt from you to contact or to say how you really feel is only going to make it worse.

Post on the instead of contacting your ex thread and other posts here.

hang in there. its rough but you will get thru it. i am. And I really questioned that I could.

Hi Lambert,

Thanks for your sympathy; it kinda helps in a way to know that I'm not alone going through all this.

In reflection, I feel that social media can be deceptive; she's hardly going to post about how depressed she's feeling all over her facebook, and I need to remember that, and to stop looking at it.

I tried to take my mind off of it all by joining my uni's rock climbing club, and going along to a session last week. Then I got chatting to this girl for about 20 minutes, and basically my ex got brought up in the conversation. I think she could tell that the issue was on my mind, even though I wasn't really planning on discussing it with anyone. But she asked me what happened, and I gave her an abridged version of events. She then told me that about a year ago, she'd been in a similar position to my ex. She told me about how she'd been depressed for months and months and hadn't got it checked out, and that it begun to affect her relationship and her feelings toward her boyfriend at the time. She explained how she felt very guilty that she couldn't reciprocate the feelings he'd shown towards her anymore, and that just added to her poor mental state, until she eventually had a complete breakdown and dumped her ex out of the blue. She told me that she felt like she had no idea who she was anymore, and that she couldn't cope with getting better whilst trying to juggle a relationship at the same time; she simply couldn't face it. She explained that she's only been able to look back and rationalise all that happened once she'd got the professional help she needed. She said to me that it sounds like my ex went through a similar ordeal, and re-assured me that she's pretty sure it wasn't anything personal, or anything I'd done wrong - most likely just a case of bad timing/luck. Hearing the perspective of someone who'd gone through something similar helped me to understand what my ex might've been going through - it helped me at least to see that this probably wasn't about me.

After that, I stopped thinking about her and started thinking about myself for the first time. What she's done has really hurt me, regardless of her (probable) mental health problems. Ultimately, I don't deserve that. By the end of our relationship, she was unable to be there for me in the way that I was for her, and a relationship can't continue for very long if it's unbalanced. I probably won't ever know exactly what went on in her head; the only thing I know for certain is that I deserve better. I guess that can be my closure!

Thanks