Need advice on how to deal with Finances after a breakup

Need advice on how to deal with Finances after a breakup

Bit of background on the relationship money wise. I was a single male going into a relationship with a woman who had a teenage daughter. We split everything 50/50 at first money wise. But then she took a lesser paying job and I put much more money into the “House” money. I made like $200K+ in the 4 years together and she maybe $100K. in that course of time no one complained. When we broke up she had some debt $15K worth.

Not getting into who caused what because at this time does it really matter? We agreed to stay friends with the stipulation that I paid half her debt off. My feeling is I took care of her and her Daughter from high school into college. That I left the relationship with nothing but personal effects and she kept everything that was purchased together. And If I wanted any of the furniture I was expected to pay her for half but I am not getting my half for what she’s keeping and in fact she has sold off a bunch of it.

We never got married, Should I have to pay off half of her debt? Part of me says yes but I am kind to a fault. I want to her what others think. Please ask questions if need be

Not getting into who caused what because at this time does it really matter? We agreed to stay friends with the stipulation that I paid half her debt off.

First and foremost, it most certainly matters who caused the debt and for what purpose. My Lord....

Second, your friendship is contingent on paying off her debt? Maybe I just know how to negotiate a good deal, but none of my friendships cost me a penny, much less $15,000.

And you went ahead and financed someone else's kid through high school and into college? How long were you and this lady together?

The right thing to do is to pay for whatever amount of the debt you're actually responsible for, assuming there even is any, and telling her to shove off if she demands a penny more.

The debt was just from living expenses both of us. What I meant by not getting into it was what caused the break up not the spending of the cash. we was together for 4 years.

There is no way to clearly define how much is owed and by who. that is why I put in the amounts we made as I put over what she totally earned into the relationship money then she even earned.

My feeling is that I am out a ton more money then she is and I supported her and her Daughter for 4 years. I left with nothing more then a small vans worth of stuff. I left 3 months ago and just now getting my house and life in order.

Soooo....you are thinking about paying your ex thousands to stay friends with her? Wth??? Who says she will hold up that end of the bargain with you once she has the money? Dude, you can't buy friendship. It doesn't work like that.

Anyway, yes, who caused the debt and how much and what for absolutely matters. If she is in debt because she financed your business venture, then you should pay her back with interest. If she is in debt because of her own poor financial management, then you shouldn't give her a single penny.

Did you two ever agree that you'd both pay off the debt? If you were both dependent on her credit card or whatever loan, that's one thing. If you were contributing with your salary and she elected to finance her contribution through debt, even if she technically spent the money on expenses impacting both of you, it's a complete other thing, and that debt is her problem.

The absolute very "nicest" I'd be about it is maybe offer her the opportunity to print out the statements, make an itemization, and, in detail, present what she believes would be fair for you to contribute. If, however, you never previously agreed to take on the debt or any part of it, and you know your contributions throughout the relationship have, at the very least, been equitable, then I wouldn't even say you owe her that much.

I'm assuming you still have love for this woman, which would (or should) include a certain level of respect for her. Show it by entrusting her to handle her own debts and affairs.

What was the breakup about? Anything spent and purchased together and whatever you gave her/her daughter during the relationship is considered you paying for your own living situation/costs and gifts to her, unless stated otherwise in writing. You don't owe her a thing now and all you can do is continue to sell jointly purchased items and split it or come to an agreement about who takes what with them. Unfortunately any debt is the responsibility of whose credit card it was purchased with.

I supported her and her Daughter for 4 years. I left with nothing more then a small vans worth of stuff. I left 3 months ago

No loans at all, used to buy things for the house etc, while we was together I helped pay all the bills hers included and her Daughters. yes I still have feelings for her. The part that is my problem is that I still care about her and I don't like Ultimatums.

there is really no way to say who caused what other then if clothing was bought,

When I mentioned not getting into what caused what was talking about what caused the break up not the spending of money.

I don’t understand why you would need to pay off her debt? Unless you bought some hours while furniture together, isn’t that her debt in her name?

What was the breakup about? Anything spent and purchased together and whatever you gave her/her daughter during the relationship is considered you paying for your own living situation/costs and gifts to her, unless stated otherwise in writing. You don't owe her a thing now and all you can do is continue to sell jointly purchased items and split it or come to an agreement about who takes what with them. Unfortunately any debt is the responsibility of whose credit card it was purchased with.

Lets just say it was a matter of difference of opinion. She has lied and hid things and lied by omitting. Mostly about her exes, feeling the need to talk to guys even when they cross the line like asking to be with her or for sex. I was her longest relationship ever. I have issues letting go and that’s my issue I am working on. I am asking for this advice because I don’t trust myself doing what’s right for me.

I don’t understand why you would need to pay off her debt? Unless you bought some hours while furniture together, isn’t that her debt in her name?

Its in her name and yes some furniture was bought but she has that furniture I took no common property only clothing and my stuff

Then she owns it, is responsible for it off and pays for it unless you want it and buy it from her. Why is nothing on your credit cards?

Its in her name. I took no common property only clothing and my stuff

Based on the added info, you owe her exactly zero. Sounds like she is well aware of your attachment issues and has been and is trying to take advantage of that. Her telling you that you can only remain friends if you pay is really emotional blackmail in this case and pretty dirty on her part.

She can deal with her debts however she wants to. It's her problem. Sounds like you've paid in more than your fair share and the furniture is hers to dispose of as she pleases to offset the debts.

OP, work hard on letting go and actually going completely no contact and healing from this. Sounds like you've dodge a bullet here even though you don't quite see it yet. In time, you will.

Then she owns it, is responsible for it off and pays for it unless you want it and buy it from her. Why is nothing on your credit cards?

Because I pay cash for my stuff. I learned my lesson on credit card debt.

Based on the added info, you owe her exactly zero. Sounds like she is well aware of your attachment issues and has been and is trying to take advantage of that. Her telling you that you can only remain friends if you pay is really emotional blackmail in this case and pretty dirty on her part.

 

She can deal with her debts however she wants to. It's her problem. Sounds like you've paid in more than your fair share and the furniture is hers to dispose of as she pleases to offset the debts.

 

OP, work hard on letting go and actually going completely no contact and healing from this. Sounds like you've dodge a bullet here even though you don't quite see it yet. In time, you will.

Thank you very much, I think the same thing as well as my family. Sometimes you need to hear from someone not invested in the situation. I know time heals everything, its between now and then. I survived a divorce I can make this.

Would be nice to actually have some me time

Was this breakup sudden? It seems no provisions were made with regard to who gets what, receipts, etc. If you paid her your half in cash you owe her nothing.

Because I pay cash for my stuff. I learned my lesson on credit card debt.

Was this breakup sudden? It seems no provisions were made with regard to who gets what, receipts, etc. If you paid her your half in cash you owe her nothing.

We broke up in 6-7 months ago and stayed living together for 4 more months. I think we talked about every situation

When she would go shopping herself she would use the card, when we went together I paid cash. Also she would transfer money from my account to pay the house bills and hers.

Not sure where you live, but you may want to consider consulting a lawyer about the financial part of your separation... where I live, laws around entitlement for common-law relationships are pretty much the same as entitlement for marriages. At least then you would be clear on what you are legally responsible for instead of just throwing money at the situation.

Not sure where you live, but you may want to consider consulting a lawyer about the financial part of your separation... where I live, laws around entitlement for common-law relationships are pretty much the same as entitlement for marriages. At least then you would be clear on what you are legally responsible for instead of just throwing money at the situation.

There is no Common law anything here. Not being married there are no legal thing can be done. Of course being a jerk I could always just say its in your name you deal with it. I wasn't concerned about the legal action but the right action

We broke up in 6-7 months ago and stayed living together for 4 more months. I think we talked about every situation

 

When she would go shopping herself she would use the card, when we went together I paid cash. Also she would transfer money from my account to pay the house bills and hers.

So you were paying for the common bills, her kid, and her bills....and she still ran up debts? Sorry, but her financial mismanagement is not your problem. Again, you owe her exactly zero and it really sounds like she has taken advantage of you and continues to try to carry on with that. Your friends and family and your own common sense are correct - cut her off and move on.

Why were costs split 50/50 when you made twice as much and she had a child to support? Why weren't you paying 66%?

I made like $200K+ in the 4 years together and she maybe $100K.

Why were costs split 50/50 when you made twice as much and she had a child to support? Why weren't you paying 66%?

At first it was 50/50, later on it was 80/20 on my side. The daughter was not my child and at the time when we met she made a ton more money. Sorry going forward in any relationship I pay my bills they pay theirs and the house split. I went all in and have zero to show for 4 years. and not being funny should it have been 33/66 meaning 3 adults I pay my third?

If it's her house and you are not married, your relationship, legally, is tenant. That means after living there 4 years to you have had a furnished place to live for 4 years. Not more, not less. Why did you continue to live there months after breaking up? However you do not owe her money if that was not agreed upon when you split things months before your departure.

I went all in and have zero to show for 4 years. and not being funny should it have been 33/66 meaning 3 adults I pay my third?

Why were costs split 50/50 when you made twice as much and she had a child to support? Why weren't you paying 66%?

Well lets see 3 adults living in a house how is it fair to me to pay 66%, when before me she paid 100% its not like the kid was 5 years old but 16-20 years old. We started off paying half, (Mortgage, cable, lights, heat, car insurance, cell phone) How’s me paying 66% of the car insurance and cell phone fair to me? She was getting money from her daughter for the phone and I was still paying half. Having a 16 year old on car insurance how’s it fair for me to pay her bill as well? I had zero input on how the child was raised ( I mean spoiled and not made to do anything) but I am expected to support her? Fact is after the first year it went to 80/20 me. At that time I wasn’t happy about it at all but I kept my mouth shut for the relationship. But if I am not in that anymore no need to keep my mouth shut

If it's her house and you are not married, your relationship, legally, is tenant. That means after living there 4 years to you have had a furnished place to live for 4 years. Not more, not less. Why did you continue to live there months after breaking up? However you do not owe her money if that was not agreed upon when you split things months before your departure.

Stayed there to save up had no where to go as she was only working PT and all my money up until the break up and even months later went to supporting the house. Finally had enough when I ran into her at a hotel with her ex that is when I moved out 3 weeks later. WE had an agreement while living together we wouldn't date and try to be roommates to yet again help support her

OH I forgot to mention a huge detail, Her Daughter is in her second year of college and this past summer moved in her BF with us. Mother and Daughter made that with out my input at all in fact I was told and yet supported the 3 of them for 5 months before the BF moved out and even after we broke up I still supported and even gave the BF rides to college etc