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Tashtu

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Hey there everyone, I'm new to this and I am really in need of some help and support.

I have been with my partner for over 5 years now. It isn't a very healthy relationship, in fact it's been quite toxic. It's a lot of hard work and we fight all the time. He has two kids (18 and 15) and I have four children (7, 10, 12 & 14). We don't fight in front of the children, but it can be tense at times.

A lot of our issues are based around my lack of trust for him. And during the times I am feeling vulnerable and I confide in him by telling him things (as partners do)... but later on, he will only use it "as dirt" during a fight to get at me. He says the nastiest and most personal things to me. They are so hurtful and he will bring anything and anyone into it just to get his point across. It hurts so much and to be honest, doesn't sit well with me at all, so much so, I do find it hard to forgive him as it sits in my mind and replays over and over.

He also plays rough physically. He pretends he is mucking around but he's really rough and he hurts me. He has been physical before during fights but nothing serious, until last November when he hit me that hard he broke my rib. I didn't want to forgive him but I did. (although I hate myself for doing so) Why you ask? Well, I know this may sound low, but we had already booked a holiday and we had already both paid for it. It was a dream holiday and it was something I had saved so hard for. I couldn't bare the thought of letting my children down once again. So I chose to stick it out to at least after the holiday. However, we are only one week away from the holiday and we are fighting. He is holding my money ransom and won't pay it back. I am an emotional wreck because my kids think we are going away and I don't know what the hell is going on. I just don't know what to do as everything is organised. Please help - what would you do?

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How does he have your money?? And why can you not take your kids on vacation without him??

You don't want to let your children down, yet you are letting them down by staying in this toxic relationship.

You are showing them that you are not worthy of respect. "Physical but nothing serious until"........ Yeah........

guess what? He already broke your rib, what's gonna be next?? I was also physical abused and my rib fractures were the last time I was taking a damn thing from him. ER DR called the police and they came right in the ER and questioned me.

Maybe you need that to leave---if you're lucky enough to survive one of his man-handling episodes.

Get out of this. It's emotionally, mentally, physically abusive and don't for a minute think this man loves you.

He does love the power and control he has over you.

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He has my money because I put it into his account when I paid for half of the accomodation and hire car. Now he won't give it back. I cannot afford to book new accomodation without him giving my half back to me. Thanks for your reply though, I appreciate your thoughts. I do agree with you, but for some reason I am so scared and anxious about doing this alone.... :(

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he's probably doing that so it forces you to still go on the vacation. Thats his way of keeping control.

Unfortunately even if you have proof of the deposits made, if it was cash you put in, and not from a check,

There's no proof that it was your money. I'd call a lawyer and ask what to do. There's many that give free

advice. It's worth a shot. I hope you find the strength to get out of this. Good luck .

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I gave him money via bank transfer so there is a record of it. I do work as a family law assistant and I could get a lot of free advice from the lawyer I work with but I am hesitant in telling him about my private life as I prefer to keep my work life seperate. My actual family lawyer does charge a fee and he is quite expensive. Maybe I should just ask my parents for the money... I don't know, I just don't want to get anyone else involved

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I gave him money via bank transfer so there is a record of it. I do work as a family law assistant and I could get a lot of free advice from the lawyer I work with but I am hesitant in telling him about my private life as I prefer to keep my work life seperate. My actual family lawyer does charge a fee and he is quite expensive. Maybe I should just ask my parents for the money... I don't know, I just don't want to get anyone else involved

 

Get the help. Learn what your options are and operate based on knowledge rather than emotion. I'd rather miss a vacation than stay with an abuser, and I'd want the same for my kids. There will be other vacations, but there won't be an easy 'fix' for the damage being done to your kids and their mother every day.

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I know asking for help is hard. However, not asking for help when we desperately need it is how we find ourselves trapped in situations like the one you're in. It's OK to need the help, and it's OK to ask for it. Talk to your parents, tell them what has been going on, get you and your kids out of that situation ASAP. If you can't go on the holiday, they might be sad for a while, but they are all of an age where you can be honest with them about what is going on to an extent. Don't place blame or anything, but just... tell it like it is. And get the heck away from this guy. Bad news.

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I agree with Sweetgirl. You are severely "letting down" your kids by exposing them to this. You should have left after the emotional abuse started.

 

Cancel the trip and get out of this mess, for the safety of you and your children. Are there six kids in one house?

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Do you work or have friends and family nearby yo can trust? Do you have your own money, credit cards, car? Read up on domestic abuse, the cycle of violence and start calling local domestic violence agencies to get help. Do not let him or your children know you are planning to escape. Simply put together an exit plan with the help of trusted family and friends and secretly begin to sever things financially, etc. Also slowly but surely begin to bring important things to a trusted friend/relative. Continue to act like things are fine and don't bother arguing. You and your kids lives are at greatest risk if you mention escaping/leaving. You must do this secretly. If he's already broken your rib, he won't hesitate to permanently and severely injure you or your kids.

 

Change your address on all important and financial things to a friends/relatives and only have junk delivered there. When you have all your ducks in a row, pick a day he will be gone and get a moving van/truck/ friends, etc. and get out. Tell your kids he's evil and hurts people and you are saving them and yourself from him. Tell the truth. Go to an undisclosed location. Delete him and block him from all accounts, all social media and all devices. Go through your kids stuff and make sure they don't tell his kids or anyone where you are. Get a restraining order, a domestic violence place will help you with that.

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Thanks to everyone for your advice. I have decided to still go on the holiday with my kids. I have also decided to get out of this relationship upon my return. However, I cannot leave him, he needs to leave me as he is living in my house. Not sure how to go about this as I've tried calling it off with him before and he just doesn't go. He says he needs time to move his stuff. That will be difficult as I don't want to involve my kids and I don't want them to be around when this is happening. However, my children stay with me 9 nights out of the 14 fortnight, so it doesn't leave much spare time to get this sorted.

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Excellent. Give him 30 days notice or better yet get a restraining order to get him out asap. Remember he's beaten you up and broken your bones and that will escalate and it's only a matter of time before he turns that on your kids if he hasn't already. You can't have a dangerous abusive monster in your house near your kids. In fact they could be taken away from you for subjecting them to this abuse and violence to take place in their presence and your failure as a parent to protect them from this.. Let your children stay with their father or grandparents/relative.

I have also decided to get out of this relationship upon my return. he needs to leave me as he is living in my house.
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Thanks to everyone for your advice. I have decided to still go on the holiday with my kids. I have also decided to get out of this relationship upon my return. However, I cannot leave him, he needs to leave me as he is living in my house. Not sure how to go about this as I've tried calling it off with him before and he just doesn't go. He says he needs time to move his stuff. That will be difficult as I don't want to involve my kids and I don't want them to be around when this is happening. However, my children stay with me 9 nights out of the 14 fortnight, so it doesn't leave much spare time to get this sorted.

 

Get legal advice about getting him out, and speak with the kid's other parent about temporarily altering the schedule to keep them out of this mess. Contact legal aid or a local domestic violence agency about your rights and options.

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Yes, I think I will have to sort something out with regards to having the kids stay somewhere else while all this is happening. It's weird you know, I now understand how hard it is for people to break free from their abusive relationships. I could never understand why people would put up with such hurt and pain, both physically and emotionally. I know that if someone was seeking my advice, of course my answer would be to leave etc etc. But when you're in this situation, it's just different. It's almost like your not thinking straight and a spell has been cast over you. Even my doctor told me (when she was giving me the results about my broken rib) that throughout her profession, she has seen that most victims really do find it hard to leave. I know myself and I am disappointed for staying with him. I understand that my self esteem and self respect must be so low for me to allow this. And I hate myself for that, I really do. I know people make mistakes but he wasn't even remorseful after I told him that he had broken my rib. His reply was, "well you should'nt have made me so angry"! He has made threats in a joking fashion like "I will put you in a body bag if I found out you ever cheated on me" and "if you keep pushing my buttons, it would be easy to throw you off the 59th floor when we are on holidays"... and "you make me so angry I'd love to punch the f@$& out of you"! As I said, they are all said in a joking fashion but part of me wonders whether he would actually do such a thing. My children have never witnessed any abuse (physical or verbal) but they would notice the tension that's sometimes built up. I know I need to protect them and get out sooner rather than later and I will make it a priority.

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Physical abuse is never a mistake.

 

There was nothing funny about those comments. Normal people do not say this types of things. Ever.

 

Your kids know what's going on. This is very harmful for them. You are their role model. Have you sought out a hotline or therapy for abuse? What steps are you taking?

 

Lastly, if he had put your kid in the hospital, would you be responding the same?

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Threatening to kill you is very severe. Yes it's like quitting smoking for some people, some quit something that destroys them the first time some take several tries. Just keep trying to leave.

Even my doctor told me (when she was giving me the results about my broken rib) that throughout her profession, she has seen that most victims really do find it hard to leave.
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You’re saying your kids haven’t noticed and I can bet you 100% all of them have and it will stay with them forever. You’re not the only victim here. I’m saying this so you get stronger for them.

 

If he won’t get out help him, pack his stuff for him. Have someone with you (hopefully a few people) when he’s home and you ask him to leave. And since there’s nothing binding you to him (like kids together) file a restraining order.

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he wasn't even remorseful after I told him that he had broken my rib. His reply was, "well you should'nt have made me so angry"!

 

This is the most dangerous kind of abuser, and nobody is safe around this guy. Seek the help of a local domestic violence agency for a specific form of counseling and help to get yourself and your children away from this guy safely. He's vindictive and vengeful, and the experts can help you with a plan and the resources to carry it out.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi everyone, well most of you are going to be disappointed in me. I still haven't broken up with this idiot. I have tried, but what happens is that after a couple of days, we both cool down and just start talking. Then things go back to normal. I am going to try again because my children are with their father for the whole week so they won't be here. How long should I give him to get out? Is one week long enough? I really don't want to be there when he packs all his stuff but I am a little worried he's going to take some of my personal possessions.

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me to even accept it. In my mind, i know it's wrong and unhealthy but I don't act on it. I am ashamed and disappointed in myself for the way I have handled this.

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Hi everyone, well most of you are going to be disappointed in me. I still haven't broken up with this idiot. I have tried, but what happens is that after a couple of days, we both cool down and just start talking. Then things go back to normal. I am going to try again because my children are with their father for the whole week so they won't be here. How long should I give him to get out? Is one week long enough? I really don't want to be there when he packs all his stuff but I am a little worried he's going to take some of my personal possessions.

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me to even accept it. In my mind, i know it's wrong and unhealthy but I don't act on it. I am ashamed and disappointed in myself for the way I have handled this.

 

"How long should I give him to get out? Is one week long enough?

 

One day. His stuff can follow him after he leaves. His stuff that he truly needs for the next week could honestly be packed in 30 minutes. He can have friends or family help him move his stuff, or even you. He is using his stuff in your place as a means to prevent progress, and he is intentionally dragging his feet because he has control over you. Take back that control, do it in just one day. Get him his stuff back for him over the course of a week.

 

"I have tried, but...we both cool down and just start talking."

 

Do not break up with him and tell him to leave in the middle of a heated moment, and if it escalates into that from a calm moment (based on his end), calmly but sternly say, "This decision has already been finalized. You are not allowed to live here anymore. Find somewhere else to sleep starting tonight. Your stuff can follow you, as you have taken too long to comply."

 

"I really don't want to be there when he packs all his stuff but I am a little worried he's going to take some of my personal possessions."

 

Then pack his stuff for him after already kicking him out, and leave it outside your front door for him to pick up at designated times. If you do this, do not let him come inside when he picks up the stuff you packed for him. If he tries to talk about not getting all his stuff, tell him to specifically say what he is missing, and if you find it, you will give it to him.

 

"I am ashamed and disappointed in myself for the way I have handled this."

 

This has nothing to do with you as a person, how strong you are, or anything else. This is a consequence of how much the violent partner has control over you. Do not internalize the inaction and place the inaction on yourself -- empower yourself by (correctly) acknowledging that you are not getting as much done as you would want because the abusive, controlling partner is preventing you from having your own life through force.

 

You have already demonstrated your strength and self-worth by deciding that you are going to break up and by reaching out to some sources for support and planning. Acknowledge your own strength and the self-respect that you do have, even if he controls you in a way that makes you think you don't, and push through this painful process. Life will be much better in the end.

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Unfortunately the abuse cycles as you know. Is it your place? There are 2 ways to go about it. 1 is to get a restraining order where he has to be out immediately. (Recommended). The other is 30 days notice. (puts you and your children at an even higher risk of violence,homicide). In either event you need to arrange a peace officer to be there when he packs up and leaves. You need to start enlisting the help that's available in stead of trying to do this alone. Don't believe that this honeymoon period will last. Don't believe that he won't come after you or your kids when you attempt to get out of this. You are playing with fire and risking your and your kids lives.

How long should I give him to get out? I really don't want to be there when he packs all his stuff but I am a little worried he's going to take some of my personal possessions.
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