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Thread: I feel like I am better than the guy I am dating in every way :(

  1. #1
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    I feel like I am better than the guy I am dating in every way :(

    So as I am nearing 40 and am single, my options are growing increasingly limited. My main problem is that I have a lot going for me: I am attractive, fit, highly educated, earn a 6 figure salary, own my home, have no baggage in terms of kids/ ex husbands and no addictions. I have a lot of disposable income and like to travel several times a year. I have been trying to find someone who will be my equal but guys that are single in similar age range are basically messes. Either they are going through nasty divorces and broke, or they are recovering alcoholics or are permanently unemployed or look as old as my dad.

    I have tried to lower my standards and basically accepted that what I want (my equal) is not possible to find at my age. So I have been seeing someone for the last 3-4 weeks. But...he is short (barely my height, good-bye heels), he was an alcoholic but has been sober for 2 years, has a low paying job and lives in a really poor area. I know this sounds horrible but I can't get over a feeling that I bring so much more to the table. I enjoy spending time with him but...this weekend for example I am flying to a tropical island by myself and he can't even afford a return flight. So it's like if I want to date him long term, I will have to stop doing a lot of things that I enjoy (and have worked so hard for) or pay for him (which I refuse to do).

    I don't really know what to do. How do I make myself be happy with dating what's available? It's not just this guy, it's been happening for the last 5 years. I realize that older women are less attractive to men due to age but damn it..is it really a choice between this a being single forever?

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by Shorthaired
    is it really a choice between this a being single forever?
    I don't want to be blunt but chances are: no.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Don't be with a guy if you're gonna look down on him.

    I know it's hard to find someone as we get older. I'm around your age and yes it's hard. But. If you look at it that way, the men who are single at our age are a mess, then what does that make us? Maybe some people find us a mess even if it doesn't show under our incomes/houses/fitness or whatever. Dig deeper on that and maybe you will lower your standards towards the right direction and not cutting off inches of their body height. It takes strength to be sober for 2 years.

    What are you looking for in a guy?

  4. #4
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    Where are you meeting these men?

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  6. #5
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    Join an elite dating service where the people are screened and portfolios are put together by them.
    Not everyone in your age range or older is like the men you meet, you just happen to only be meeting those types.
    Stay single until you encounter what you desire, because if you're feeling it with someone, then you're basically single anyway. Try going to more upscale places in wealthier towns near you, and events held by them. Casinos too, although
    you risk getting picked up by a gambling man lol. And you're right, I notice many middle aged men want young girls,
    25-30 when looking to date.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Shorthaired
    So as I am nearing 40 and am single, my options are growing increasingly limited. My main problem is that I have a lot going for me: I am attractive, fit, highly educated, earn a 6 figure salary, own my home, have no baggage in terms of kids/ ex husbands and no addictions. I have a lot of disposable income and like to travel several times a year. I have been trying to find someone who will be my equal but guys that are single in similar age range are basically messes. Either they are going through nasty divorces and broke, or they are recovering alcoholics or are permanently unemployed or look as old as my dad.

    I have tried to lower my standards and basically accepted that what I want (my equal) is not possible to find at my age. So I have been seeing someone for the last 3-4 weeks. But...he is short (barely my height, good-bye heels), he was an alcoholic but has been sober for 2 years, has a low paying job and lives in a really poor area. I know this sounds horrible but I can't get over a feeling that I bring so much more to the table. I enjoy spending time with him but...this weekend for example I am flying to a tropical island by myself and he can't even afford a return flight. So it's like if I want to date him long term, I will have to stop doing a lot of things that I enjoy (and have worked so hard for) or pay for him (which I refuse to do).

    I don't really know what to do. How do I make myself be happy with dating what's available? It's not just this guy, it's been happening for the last 5 years. I realize that older women are less attractive to men due to age but damn it..is it really a choice between this a being single forever?
    This might be a surprise for you, but most men don't really give importance to all you're stating, education, money, house, exes etc. , that's actually what men think they need to attract women... so weird !
    We are visual creatures won't deny this, but it doesn't go above all other attributes that most men search within women and what these things are, is someone who accepts you and will be caring, have this
    female grace while still taking care of her stuff and taking responsibilities. Someone feminine but not trash, with whom you feel on a feet of equality and share things in life making the relationship a priority
    and will challenge you on your crap, to make you grow.

    I don't want to be rude, but could it be that to be this successful woman, you became more aggressive and pushy, but the good men out there actually feel this and it doesn't fit in the graceful feminine
    woman I talked about !? So you then attract all the "messes" men who are more open to date any women they can, I'm only 35 but I can tell you I hear such stories all the time, even with all the equality
    that now women have in society, most men want women who they feel have this feminine energy and they don't need to compete with their GFs in the relationship, it's a partnership.

    I had some dates with women that I think are like you and let me tell you, I thought I was having a job interview, the women were so aggressive I wanted to leave, not because I can't handle a strong and
    independent woman as some want to think, but really because it's completely unattractive to me.

    Now think about this please, I'm not attacking you personally just challenging your views and you might benefit from thinking about it, if I'm right !

  8. #7
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    I started dating my husband when I was 39. We'd dated in the past. You and I have the same "on paper" stuff (I didn't own a home, I rented in a major city teeming with singles). Here are our relevant differences: I didn't get involved with people I didn't respect and admire, I didn't date men who had kids with very rare exception because at that age I wasn't interested in taking that on and wanted my own child, I preferred men who were shorter than average (I am petite and my preference increased the dating pool quite a bit - I also dated tall men and that was fine but I was more drawn to men who weren't very tall).

    I did date a recovering addict three or four times and did not feel better than him but was very worried about how short a time he'd been off drugs.

    I met many good guys/quality men - meaning what you would agree were - after age 35 especially - and yes the men who wanted to date someone in my age range and were ok with the bio clock situation - limited the dating pool. I met men through dating sites, work, volunteer work, friends, colleagues, and while on vacation. I was very proactive and treated it like a part time job.

    I have known my husband for many years. I've always admired him for several reasons including his career/education-related accomplishments which I continue to admire and respect. I always admired and respected his character and integrity even though sometimes I need him to step up to the plate more in certain situations -I add that because it's more of an overall thing - overall I respect and admire him and in certain instances I haven't agreed with his choices but I didn't question his overall character/integrity or my respect for him. It's all a balance.

    As far as financially I always wanted someone financially stable and was ok with the guy making less than me if I respected his financial values and he was employed or just temporarily unemployed. One thing I did for about 10 plus years before I married was make sure to build a nest egg so that if I married someone who made less than me and I wanted to be at home full time with a child, I could contribute to the family income. For most of the time I did that, I was single.

    So I would not settle for someone I did not respect or admire. See if your list of musts can be shortened without settling. Yes it can be done and not from a cynical mindset of "no guys available"
    (also after grad school I moved about 10 miles to a major city to make sure I maximized my chances of meeting people). Good luck!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    You lost me at 'but he is short, barely my height. Good bye heels'.
    If that's seriously a high priority for you, you are getting in your own way imo and aren't really serious about finding love.

    I was dating in my later 30s as a woman when I found my now fiancť. I didn't have any divorces nor kids, and preferred to find someone who didn't as well ( but was somewhat open, if it was the right person). I'm not as loaded as you, but I'm a pretty good catch. While I found some limitations, I didn't find things nearly as bleak as you see it. There are good men out there!

    Sometimes it helps to get down to basics about what is really important to you. Also is having a family important to you? I found many men in this age group who were keen to have that option still. If that's not for you, dating older may widen the pool too.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    I feel like I am better than the guy I am dating in every way :(

    You talk down on this guy. But if youíre so great, why didnít you ever settle down?

    That sounds rude. But what arenít you telling us? Is there something youíre doing that pushes away other men?

  11. #10
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    Hell. 40 is not old these days. It's the new 30. I'm 43 (recently divorced) and just started seeing this guy who is in his mid 30's. He is a refreshing change from the last guy I dated. He has a good paying job, he's smart, mature and well adjusted.
    What I'm saying is if you have standards, there is nothing wrong with that.
    He's out there.
    Meanwhile, enjoy your singularity. You are not old and have plenty of time to find the right one.

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