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Thread: I feel like I am better than the guy I am dating in every way :(

  1. #11
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    A whole lot of people would consider 40 with no marriage or children under someone's belt its own kind of baggage, not that I personally subscribe to that as a rule.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Krankor's Avatar
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    This post is a textbook example of female hypergamy. Women tend to look for a man of at least equal status--preferably higher--and are rather loathe to date or marry "down." Men tend to be far more flexible. It's not at all unusual to see a male doctor married to a female nurse; it's pretty unusual to see a female doctor married to a male nurse.

    The problem is that in our modern world--a world in which 62% of college students are women and women under 30 are now out-earning men their age--many women have unfortunately largely priced themselves out of the market.

    Unfortunately for you, that tall, handsome, successful 40-year-old man who you feel would be at your level is focused in on the under 35 crowd, because, frankly, he can afford to be.

    So what is the answer for you? For one thing please let the man you are seeing go. Nobody needs to spend his/her life being looked down on. Then just keep trying while not being obsessed over it. There are so many niche dating sites out there now that I'll bet you can find one that caters to your needs and wants.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Krankor
    This post is a textbook example of female hypergamy. Women tend to look for a man of at least equal status--preferably higher--and are rather loathe to date or marry "down." Men tend to be far more flexible. It's not at all unusual to see a male doctor married to a female nurse; it's pretty unusual to see a female doctor married to a male nurse.

    The problem is that in our modern world--a world in which 62% of college students are women and women under 30 are now out-earning men their age--many women have unfortunately largely priced themselves out of the market.

    Unfortunately for you, that tall, handsome, successful 40-year-old man who you feel would be at your level is focused in on the under 35 crowd, because, frankly, he can afford to be.

    So what is the answer for you? For one thing please let the man you are seeing go. Nobody needs to spend his/her life being looked down on. Then just keep trying while not being obsessed over it. There are so many niche dating sites out there now that I'll bet you can find one that caters to your needs and wants.
    Exactly, but what is crucial is most good 40yo old men want someone stable for a partnership, they value other attributes than what the typical "successful career" woman considers makes her so high status,
    because they usually have those attributes themselves, so they don't need these women... it might be difficult to hear for some, but you can't change what people want !

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    A whole lot of people would consider 40 with no marriage or children under someone's belt its own kind of baggage, not that I personally subscribe to that as a rule.
    I think she said she wasn't quite 40 lol. When I was almost 39, and single/never married/no children a famous matchmaker got on the phone with me (because I had been speaking with her staff concerning their misleading invitations sent to me) and she said "good luck finding a man in [my major city]"). She was obnoxious and she was right because after dating in my major city for decades, t he man I married was in my city at the time but not living permanently there. There is that stigma -more about men than women because the assumption was that women have to wait to be picked so it was more like "why hasn't anyone proposed?" (well they had but they were not for me).

    I agree with letting the man loose -let someone who does respect and admire him pair up with him.

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  6. #15
    Gold Member ApocalypseDreams's Avatar
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    I have to say, I'm always suspicious when someone posts about how wonderful they are and yet are having such a difficult time finding someone suitable. Aside from the qualities you listed, what is your personality like? Are you in a good place mentally? Do you have low self esteem?

    Krankor is right. The male version of you has plenty of options to date younger women, and why wouldn't he? That might seem unfair, but the dating decks are stacked against many men when they are in their 20's. I don't think you need to let go of all your standards, but I think you need to be more flexible on the superficial things like him being shorter than you in heels.

    There are dating sites especially catered to attractive, educated, high status people. Have you thought about giving that ago?

    Also, let the guy you are dating find someone who doesn't think they are superior to him.

  7. #16
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    "I have to say, I'm always suspicious when someone posts about how wonderful they are and yet are having such a difficult time finding someone suitable. Aside from the qualities you listed, what is your personality like? Are you in a good place mentally? Do you have low self esteem? "

    Yes, I think compatible education/financial values/backgrounds help a lot but I love the qualities listed here. They come in handy for example when your son has a stomach bug, your husband knows you're fine with several bodily fluids with the marked exception of vomit, and takes it upon himself to teach said son how to make it to the bathroom in time, not be scared, etc. And that's not about his academics/prestige/financial attributes/or height (in fact short is probably better if you're helping a little person with that um skill) - at that moment -and there are several of such moments and not all parenting-related - it's about his personality, being a good partner,etc (I am Type A and married a Type B which has more upsides than downsides).

  8. #17
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    I dunno, not to toot my own horn, but I'm also a few years shy of 40 and I always seem to attract successful guys.

    I just ended a 4-month RL last weekend with a good looking doctor and my last relationship before him was with a successful attorney. My long term ex, to whom I was engaged, is a successful contractor with two businesses.

    I'm not even looking for a successful guy, per se, to me it's a bonus. And not that it matters, but I was the one who ended those relationships, in case you were wondering.

    The qualities I desire in a man go *far deeper* than success, how tall he is (eye roll) or anything else superficial.

    Physical attraction is important but if he's lacking in the fundamental qualities I seek (emotional depth being high on the list), he's not a good fit for me. No matter how good looking, successful, or tall he is.

    Truth! Which is why I ultimately ended those relationships. But that's just me. Course you have to do you.

    But why can't you wear heels? You don't want to appear taller than him? Why not? Just curious.

    I firmly believe we attract who we "are."

    You may be physically attractive and look great on paper, but perhaps something *within* is lacking or needs improvement which is preventing you from attracting the type of men you desire who aren't "messes."
    Last edited by katrina1980; 02-28-2018 at 09:50 AM.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    I dunno, not to toot my own horn, but I'm also a few years shy of 40 and I always seem to attract successful guys.

    I just ended a 4-month RL last weekend with a good looking doctor and my last relationship before him was with a successful attorney. My long term ex, to whom I was engaged, is a successful contractor with two businesses.

    I'm not even looking for a successful guy, per se, to me it's a bonus. And not that it matters, but I ended those relationships.

    The qualities I desire in a man go *far deeper* than success, how tall he is (eye roll) or anything else superficial.

    Truth! Which is why I ultimately ended those relationships.

    And why can't you wear heels anymore? You don't want to appear taller than him? Why not?

    We attract who we "are."

    You may be physically attractive and look great on paper, but perhaps something *within* is lacking or needs improvement which is preventing you from attracting high quality guys who aren't "messes."
    To be fair, some guys prefer that the woman not be taller if possible (my husband is not like that and did date at least one woman seriously who was quite a bit taller than him without heels). I did care about someone being compatible to me in terms of education/financial values/career - but compatible, not superior. I didn't care about rich but I did care about financial stability since that was important to me and I was on my own, financially independent.

  10. #19
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    Yeah, I realize we are all different and seek different qualities; I modified my post to reflect that.

    Re a guy not preferring a woman being taller, well that alone speaks volumes in my opinion.

    A strong secure confident guy wouldn't care, which is my point.

    If I ever dated a man my height or shorter (I am 5'6") and I showed up in heels and he felt uncomfortable, perhaps even asking/telling me to change to flats or lower heel so I wouldn't be taller, HUGE turn off, for ME.

    It tells me he's insecure and not comfortable in his own skin, which is super important to ME.

    My point in my previous post is that when women (or men) are not attracting the types of people they want, to look WITHIN.

    *That's* where the answer is, not that there are no "great" guys out there ("great" being subjective of course). Or that all guys are "messes."

    Believe me, after this last experience, I certainly am!
    Last edited by katrina1980; 02-28-2018 at 10:12 AM.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Liraele's Avatar
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    Are you looking ONLY for 40-year old men, or are you widening that gap (30-50, maybe?) - heck, there are some 60-year old guys that look better than some 30-year olds, so it's really just about what you're into and what you find attractive at that point.

    I don't think you need to settle - at any point in your life.

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