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Commitment issues and cheating urge


mattlangley

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Hi there,

 

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years and she’s an overseas student. She’s coming to the end of her studies and her visa will expire in two months, when she’ll need to return to her home country. I have to make the decision to marry her or say goodbye. I want to stay together but I’m not ready for marriage so we’ve decided that we could legally get married so she could stay in the country and do the wedding ceremony stuff later on down the line when we are ready. Great, all sorted... but there’s a few problems...

 

I’m not sure if I’m ready to be with one person for the rest of my life, I seem to be clinging onto as-pects of the single life that I can’t shake off. One part of this is that I can’t stop thinking about having sex with other more beautiful women, almost every day I have this urge and whatever I do I can’t stop thinking about it. Before our relationship I had very little (almost none) experience in the bedroom and now I’ve become confident and experienced I have the urge to be promiscuous and get the single life out of my system, however I absolutely don’t want to break up with her. We have regular sex and it’s great but very often I fantasize about other women while we’re doing it. I did some research on this and found it’s quite common so it doesn’t worry me too much. I love her and in the three years we’ve been together I’ve never once cheated, but now I feel that I might, if the opportunity present-ed itself. I suppose I don’t feel as attracted to her as I did at the beginning and she’s definitely not what my ideal dream woman would look like. She’s got a perfect personality and ticks pretty much every other box apart from physical appearance. I’m quite a perfectionist so I’m wondering if I’m just being irrational and unrealistic. We could get married (legally for now) but as I’ve got these doubts, feelings and urges now, is it a good idea? This is preventing me from fully committing and I have to make a decision in the next few days.

 

The other issue is that I’m worried about losing my freedom and space, and I might be 31 (she’s 29) but I’m not ready to settle down and go down the mortgage and kids route for at least another 3 years+.

 

This has been stressing me out for months and I just need some guidance and advice from anyone who’s been in a similar situation. Any help would be massively appreciated.

 

Thanks

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This is going to be blunt so brace yourself !

 

"I’m quite a perfectionist so I’m wondering if I’m just being irrational and unrealistic" Nope you're just selfish and obviously not in love with her, you think you are but it's more likely to be lust with your envy to have other women !

 

Now I'm going to tell you about a LDR I had years ago, I met a Polish woman during her vacation, she was smart confident and had this feminine aura, that I don't find much in european women, so I took her Facebook because

I felt I could not just let her go like this. 2 months later we clicked so much I visited her, it was amazing we were intimate directly and we fit 100%, at the end of this week I was devastated because I thought the relationship was

impossible and we split crying at the airport.

We kept in contact and I visited her again, but eventually this romantic fog of having found a foreign woman within this huge world, started to dissipate and I could see some red flags I was too intoxicated to see before.

One day she spoke seriously of wanting to move after her PHD and live with me, so I was happy but this all put pressure on me to mary her so she could stay and with her extreme catholic familly, believe me that was quite stressful.

 

So after months some of her spoiled only child behaviours, coupled with the fact I also didn't have much women and the pressure of marriage, having not seen her for 6 months I eventualy cheated on her, which I never thought I

would ever be capable of, but when you force yourself with delusions and feel lonely, I guess it never ends well. So I learned from this, that LDR are not for me because of the pressure and that i despised myself so much, I was

honest that it was just this romantic fog playing and I didn't love her, otherwhise I wouldn't have done such a terrible thing.

 

So I was an and it seems to me you are on the verge of being one as well, take my experience and breakup with her, pursue other women to get rid of this fantasy of the single life full of sex, I think there is no way avoiding

this, but you'll eventualy realize this is also just a fantasy and it leaves men and women empty inside in the end.

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Don't do it. It's a disservice to both of you. Let her go to her home country and find a guy and you can continue to sow your wild oats. Not every romance is supposed to end in marriage, especially under this duress and pretense.

I want to stay together but I’m not ready for marriage so we’ve decided that we could legally get married so she could stay in the country
Link to comment
This is going to be blunt so brace yourself !

 

"I’m quite a perfectionist so I’m wondering if I’m just being irrational and unrealistic" Nope you're just selfish and obviously not in love with her, you think you are but it's more likely to be lust with your envy to have other women !

 

Now I'm going to tell you about a LDR I had years ago, I met a Polish woman during her vacation, she was smart confident and had this feminine aura, that I don't find much in european women, so I took her Facebook because

I felt I could not just let her go like this. 2 months later we clicked so much I visited her, it was amazing we were intimate directly and we fit 100%, at the end of this week I was devastated because I thought the relationship was

impossible and we split crying at the airport.

We kept in contact and I visited her again, but eventually this romantic fog of having found a foreign woman within this huge world, started to dissipate and I could see some red flags I was too intoxicated to see before.

One day she spoke seriously of wanting to move after her PHD and live with me, so I was happy but this all put pressure on me to mary her so she could stay and with her extreme catholic familly, believe me that was quite stressful.

 

So after months some of her spoiled only child behaviours, coupled with the fact I also didn't have much women and the pressure of marriage, having not seen her for 6 months I eventualy cheated on her, which I never thought I

would ever be capable of, but when you force yourself with delusions and feel lonely, I guess it never ends well. So I learned from this, that LDR are not for me because of the pressure and that i despised myself so much, I was

honest that it was just this romantic fog playing and I didn't love her, otherwhise I wouldn't have done such a terrible thing.

 

So I was an and it seems to me you are on the verge of being one as well, take my experience and breakup with her, pursue other women to get rid of this fantasy of the single life full of sex, I think there is no way avoiding

this, but you'll eventualy realize this is also just a fantasy and it leaves men and women empty inside in the end.

 

Thank you for sharing this story, my situation is quite similar to this and knowing what you've been through helps me a lot. When you say "you'll eventually realise this is also just a fantasy and it leaves men and women empty inside in the end", you're saying that pursuing women for sex seems like a good idea but eventually isn't worth it and leaves you lonely and depressed? you're not the first person to say that to me, but I feel that I need to see and experience it first hand to at least know that it's been done and I can finally let the feelings go.

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Thank you for sharing this story, my situation is quite similar to this and knowing what you've been through helps me a lot. When you say "you'll eventually realise this is also just a fantasy and it leaves men and women empty inside in the end", you're saying that pursuing women for sex seems like a good idea but eventually isn't worth it and leaves you lonely and depressed? you're not the first person to say that to me, but I feel that I need to see and experience it first hand to at least know that it's been done and I can finally let the feelings go.

 

I had this too what I called my washing machine year, where I tried to fill this emptiness in my chest, by getting as many beautiful women as I could, but in the end you realize the sex with people you don't connect with,

is so empty and meaningless, it becomes a mechanic and leaves you burned and depressed, taking everything that's beautiful about being intimate away. Unfortunately I think people can explain this, but you will still have

to experience this by yourself, there seems to be no way around it... though then you either continue spiraling, being chronically empty or you break the circle and decide to actively be a better person !

 

That's coming from a man, so that's why I just can't take women who do this for years seriously, nothing misogynistic as some accuse me, just that women choose if and when they open their legs, men have to earn it and

compete, this being in our nature I think we have to go through this, but women don't really especially if they respect themselves, but that's my thinking you can disagree !

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Totally opposite side of the fence here...

 

I have only had sex with my wife. Not that it was my intention or anything. I just happened to win the lottery on my first ticket.

 

That being said, when I was dating my wife I never had the urge to sow my wild oats. I was very happy with her and that made the thought of being sexually limited not even cross my mind.

 

If you have that urge with any kind of momentum then I would say you aren't with the person you should try to settle down with.

 

I have been with my wife over 13 years and I am only 30. I have a high libido too so it isn't as if I just didn't have a large amount of sexual desire.

 

We have tons of great sex and there is no way I would have that frequency or quality outside a LTR.

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