Am I paranoid or is she hiding more?

Sorry this is so long but I wanted to explain the whole situation. I have been in a relationship with a Latina lady for a little over a year and I am a white male. Her English to me is pretty good we can communicate well but she is a little unsure of herself and her English. We decided to move in with each other at the beginning of December and things were going very well. At the beginning of February we had a small Superbowl party.

She had invited her adult son which is 23 which I get along with great. He had also invited over some other friend which is normal they all come over all the time which I have no problem with. This night there was another friend that showed up that I had never seen before. This guy was a little older approximately 30 or 35 and my girlfriend is in her early 40's but she looks much younger. As the night goes on I notice that he continues to follow her into other rooms where it is him and her alone. And at one point she followed him outside. This made me very uneasy and she could feel the tension. So she calls this guy over to tell him about me. However when them two talked they talked in Spanish. The guy would occasionally tell me things that she was saying which was good things about me. While this made me feel better I still was not sure. I was also frustrated that if there are three people in a conversation and only one language we all three knew why they continued to speak in Spanish. At the end of the night when we was alone. I tried to explain that I felt it was disrespectful to continue to be in the other room with another man. I also tried to explain that it would have helped when including me into the conversation if they would have spoke in English. Her response was he was a long time friend and he was more like a son to her, he felt comfortable in their house and that is why he would go in the other room with her. She also explained that she was embarrassed to speak English in front of him in fear that he would make fun of her. Which I understand but at the same time the guys English was not perfect.

The next morning the fight continued and she ask me to leave. I left and went and stayed at a motel down the road for the night. The next day we ended up talking and working things out. She reassured me that that guy was a friend of the families and she would tell him not to come back if I wanted. I said no but she needed to put herself in my shoes and think if she would like it if I did the same with a girl.

A couple weeks go by and she tells me this guy is in jail because he is in the country illegally and it would not be a problem anymore. About another week goes by and I come home and there is a strange dog in the back yard. I text her and she is surprised and does not know where it came from. When she got home she tells me her daughter had brought it over and she thought it was the guys dog that was in jail. I ask her how she knew and she said she had seen pictures of the dog before. I ask her if her daughter ask to bring the dog by and she said yes. But in the text she acted surprised. A few more days go by and she says something about the guy having another dog that was bigger and that he had brought the dogs over one time. But a few days earlier she had stated she had only seen the dogs in a picture. She said her memory was not that good. A few more days goes by and she says her daughter had received a phone call from the man in jail and her daughter wanted her to go to the jail to visit him. I told her she could do whatever she wanted to but I was not sure why she would go see the man in jail.

Then I started to get curious so I looked at the phone bill to see if this guy had contacted her from jail. I noticed that the night that I was gone she had tried calling her ex-boyfriend two times. It only showed up as 1 min so she may have only got his voice mail I'm not sure. So that night I ask her if her ex-boyfriend had tried to contact her and she said no. I then ask her if she had tried to contact him at all. I also ask that she be completely honest with me. Again her answer was no and then started questioning about being on my phone all the time. Which I am on the phone form 6:00 am until 10:00 pm for work and work only.

She really seems like a good girl she does not go out or anything. We stay at home a lot and work together to make our home better. But the question is am I being paranoid? Was it right for me to check the phone bill? And are these small lies hiding something bigger?

Oh, boy. Your jealousy and your controlling behavior is close to ruining your whole relationship with this woman. She has friends and she has history. You should have accepted at face value that she was just talking to a long-time friend, someone who was like a son. Telling her that she was disrespectful to speak Spanish in front of you is just plain ugly. Is your ego that fragile? Do you think you're the only person in her life? Are you so afraid that someone might have been talking about you. (She probably was saying how such a great guy you were until you became racist and paranoid after the party.)

I don't understand the story about the dogs. Are you taking care of the dogs? I'm not sure what point you're making about them. The guy got picked up by ICE and her family is trying to find homes of the dogs, I'm guessing. Your girlfriend may have been calling her ex to find homes for the dogs or to find out if this guy was deported yet. It's not an unreasonable thing to do. Again, is she suppose to give up contact with her friends and family because she's with you?

Maybe you're not mature enough to handle an older, mature relationship. This isn't a high school romance anymore. She has an older son, presumably a husband, a big family and probably several boyfriends in her past. There's going to be a lot of instances in the future that may make you jealous. You've got to learn to count to 10 and think about things before you say anything or give up the relationship.

Thank you for your feed back. I don't think I am controlling. I never said she couldn't speak Spanish in front of me. I actually encourage her to speak Spanish with her family and friends so I can learn and so she is comfortable. What I did have a problem with is she was with a strange man and the three of us were trying to have a conversation. The only language we all shared was English. How can I be a part of a conversation that I can't understand. And occasionally he would stop and tell me something she said. Really think about that and put yourself in my shoes.

The dogs are fine. However it's the little lies she told about the dogs. She was surprised about the dog and then she knew about it. She had seen them in pictures and few days later her story was he brought the dogs over one time. I could care less about the dogs. I feed it and give it water everyday no problem. It's just the lies.

Again I appreciate your feed back. I have not said anything that is why I am on here getting other peoples opinion. Then I will analyze that information and make my own choice.

Well, speaking a different language in front of someone who does not speak that language is rude and I do believe that is common knowledge. It would not be rude if they did not all have some knowledge of the same language. She speaks some English as does he and as does the Op. The common thing to do in that case is you all speak English. In the future kindly ask them to speak English and that will solve that problem (unless of course they refuse to and them doing that would prove you're not being paranoid).

Op: I think you are being a tad paranoid and you will start to make her lie to you often in fear of upsetting you or triggering your jealousy. Either you trust her or you don't and if you don't then you're with the wrong woman.

As for the dogs. If they are in the backyard of your g/f's house then its her prerogative to care for them while this guy is in jail. If its both your home then you have a say. I suggest you pick your battles.

Thank you for your input ThatwasThen. My problem is not the dogs or taking care of them. I don't understand why she is lying about them.

No to me, something sounds sketchy. At the very least, she's lying to you and she is also comfortable with being closely involved with people who are in the country illegally.

They were probably speaking in Spanish so you wouldn't understand what they were saying. Who knows what they were talking about, could have been harmless, but it was indeed rude to exclude you in that way when it was easy enough to include you.

Did you move into her established home?

Thank you for your input. My problem is not the dogs or taking care of them. I don't understand why she is lying about them.

Probably because she is afraid of your reaction and so she is not being forthcoming with you. You've tried your best (probably) to not look jealous or suspicious of her but it's clear by your actions and questioning about him so much that you are both of those things.

Like I said, either you trust her or you don't. If you don't then leave, heal and try again with someone that doesn't cause this kind of thinking in you.

Probably because she is afraid of your reaction and so she is not being forthcoming with you. You've tried your best (probably) to not look jealous or suspicious of her but it's clear by your actions and questioning about him so much that you are both of those things.

 

Like I said, either you trust her or you don't. If you don't then leave, heal and try again with someone that doesn't cause this kind of thinking in you.

I was never questioning about him after we made up. I don't like to fight. When we made up I accepted it and was done. I only ask questions when it kept coming up. I am trying to trust her or I wouldn't be on here asking. And you are right, when I get done here I will make my decision to trust her or not. Thanks again.

You can look at the thing from 2 sides, first she's insecure about stuff and lies to you about it, to in her mind avoid fights with you.

Or she lies about it to you, because she doesn't trust you or has something to hide.

Either way she is doing something wrong, not you, so I would be quite careful about this situation !

Whatever the reality, I would say do you think if she lies on such ridiculous details, that she is really a person worthy of trust !?

Some might say I'm extreme, but to have a healthy relationship people have to trust themselves and risk telling all the truth, if you don't you'll end up like many couples being unhappy

and eventually after some years one of the 2 will decide he's had enough and leave.

Maybe it's a good idea to use the only thing a man with boundaries can do, that is telling her you're leaving for some time to think because the situation bothered you. If she's genuine

she should be sad and eventually reach out to you, if she barely cares... I think you can move out permanently, because your concerns don't seem unfounded to me.

Silence and distance are a man's best tool !