Two years on

Hi guys, I am two years on from being dumped very unexpectedly with a guy who I had an amazing relationship for a year. He fully invested in me, we spent all our spare time together at his instigation and were planning a future. I am in my mid forties and thought I had finally found the right one. He dumped me blaming me for an argument over the phone. He refused to meet me. I made the mistakes of chasing, begging and accidentally bumping into him. I was continually ignored. I guess I have only recently given up on the pipe dream of hearing from him again one day. I have counselling, try to focus on work, holidays,try new activities and social groups, nights out and Internet dating. I am just band aiding the pain and trying to fill my time. I am getting nowhere with trying to meet a new guy. It is just the same faces on Internet dating sites.I have had professional picture s taken but the guys I show interest to don't reply and I only get messages from obese guys twenty years older who are unemployed. I am slim and professional. Sometimes guys email but then drop off the face of the earth no doubt thinking they have a better prospect. I feel demoralised and that I will be realistically alone forever as I have had no luck so far. I try to tell myself that relationship isn't everything and to fill my life with other things but it is really hard being alone and getting nowhere trying to move on. I feel my one and only chance went when I was dumped two years ago and very fearful of a future alone. I miss him very much and wonder if I will ever truly recover.

I am sorry you're struggling with this.

Perhaps it has something to do with the energy you project or the way you're communicating with these men? Sometimes we don't even realize we're giving off sad or negative vibes. If you're still emotionally stuck on your ex, there is a strong possibility that comes through in your attempts to talk to others guys. I don't mean that you're expressly talking about your ex, of course, but it could be obvious to others that you're not in a good emotional place.

Just a thought.

You don't miss the actual him. The actual him "love bombed" you only to to dump you unexpectedly over the phone. His communication and relationship problem solving skills were lacking to say the least. What you are really missing the fantasy version of a bright future that you had built in your mind but the actual person proved poor relationship material. You need to take him off the pedestal and try to meet more people in the real world. Online dating does not seem to be working for now so trying out new real world activities (e.g. volunteering for something) may be a better way to meet new people and it will take the focus off that coward that you have idealized. He was not what you thought. He promised you the stars and the moon yet once the going got tough he bailed cowardly. The residual effect of the happy chemicals created by his love bombing makes your brain lie to you, hence these absurd thoughts of him being your "one and only". At this point you are fighting an addiction to a fantasy. If you are having too much of a hard time moving on, maybe it would help to talk to a therapist.

I'm saddened to read this. I'm only a couple of months out with the last time I'll see her being just today...I have a long road ahead of me....

In your case it definitely sounds like unresolved grief and a good counselor may be able to help you with that...

I'll also put this video here for you:

Hopefully that may help a bit too.

I admire your strength.

Carus*

Why do you want a relationship? What does it symbolize for you? Why do you feel the need to keep going on the dating sites? What are you looking for?

Thanks so much. I have been seeing a counsellor for a while. We concentrate on building my self worth. I don’t feel strong at all!!! I hope you are doing ok x

Thanks so much. I have been seeing a counsellor for a while. We concentrate on building my self worth. I don’t feel strong at all!!! I hope you are doing ok x

Reply to carus!

Thanks so much for your time everybody. I may be giving off a vibe but try to guard against it. He definitely love bombed me which is also a factor in the aftermath being so tough. I am not the only woman of a similar age in my area having difficulties meeting a suitable guy. The social groups are 80% women and the occasional guy who shows clearly have issues....think the great unwashed with no idea of how to talk to people sadly. I guess I am looking for a relationship to share life and feel and give love and support. To feel proud to be with a partner whom I find attractive, respect and make each other feel special. I try to fill my life with other things but there is a gaping whole that I long for in terms of a great relationship and can't deny my overwhelming desire for it. I live alone and only have a very small family. I try to build my friend network but it isn't the same. Thanks so much for your kind responses x

Don't be disheartened with the online dating thing, it takes a lot of matches and bad dates to find a decent one from them. I felt the same at one point thinking damn I'm not getting the best people on here, but it's just because of all the options.

They go off first conversations and pictures so if a woman is messaging them about sex ( sorry to be crude ) but most guys would probably be jumping all over that instead of looking for something more serious ( not all just a lot of them will ).

If the place you live is really like that have you tried a dating app like tinder but if you pay you can change your location? I did that and put my location to the nearest city and it was so much better and I met the current girlfriend that way, it's worth a try!

or how about a professional matchmaking service?

I am sorry you're struggling with this.

 

Perhaps it has something to do with the energy you project or the way you're communicating with these men? Sometimes we don't even realize we're giving off sad or negative vibes. If you're still emotionally stuck on your ex, there is a strong possibility that comes through in your attempts to talk to others guys. I don't mean that you're expressly talking about your ex, of course, but it could be obvious to others that you're not in a good emotional place.

 

Just a thought.

I would also second this, maybe on a subconscious level you are giving off this vibe or a certain vibe of desperation? Is this something you've also been able to talk about with your counsellor? i also think it just takes finding the right one and that is truely a needle in a haystack. Hang in there!!