My girlfriend is in Cuba with her ex-husband & children and it's killing me.

Bit of a complicated story here but I'll try to be brief...

I've been with my girlfriend for a year now...she was married but left her husband of 18 years shortly afterwards. We were friends before that.

It's been an up and down year because until a couple weeks ago, he didn't (nor did her 11 & 16 yr old girls) know that we had dated. She gave them SOME information...that we dated in the spring, we're best friends, still hang out, etc. Her husband (they've been separated since March) has a history of alcoholism, emotional/physical abuse. She recently found out that her best friend was watching her then reporting to her husband and giving him some information. She was devstated that these two people she thought she could trust would betray her the way they did.

She had been planning a trip to Cuba with her girls since the summer....and more recently the ex-husband and her girls had asked about him going. This was his "dream" trip for 10 years, it's the girls' first vacation, etc. and my girlfriend wanted to do this for the girls and him. Up until the final days before she booked the trip, there was no plan for him to go. She sprung it on me after she booked it.

She made it clear to him that they were only going as friends and they have separate rooms to share with the girls. I have no reason to believe she'd be unfaithful to me as I know how much she struggled hiding our relationship as long as she did.

They left for Cuba today. It's eating me up and I'm climbing the walls. She wants their relationship to be amicable but hasn't set any boundaries. He's been playing the "poor me" card for almost a year now and she feels "bad" for him most times.

But here I am, waiting for her to msg me one way or another....feeling like the "other man" for a year now. I'm not in a good place.

You should move on from this.

You got involved way too soon, and seem to be a rebound.

This is not healthy. Why would she travel with someone who is abusive?

Sorry to say that I find it highly unlikely that she won't lie to you under difficult circumstances. It sounds like it's one of her defense mechanisms. Trusting blindly a cheater who opts to go on vacation with an abusive ex doesn't sound like a good idea regardless of the circumstances. She sounds too "weak" to be able to maintain healthy boundaries at this stage of her life. You would be better off breaking up until she has sought therapy/sorted herself out. It sounds like she is using you as her way out. Once she is back on her feet, you run a high risk of things falling apart/ being a rebound. Imo, being stuck in limbo for a year is not a good sign.

OP, this is not a woman who highly values honesty. You are likely only hearing a sanitized version of the truth that makes it more palatable for you.

Their marriage is barely over. She jumped from him to you, and lied about to him and their daughters. Now they are all vacationing together. There are all kinds of boundaries being bulldozed here.

I am sorry, but I think you are right to be extremely uneasy about this. It smells rotten and she isn't particularly trustworthy. This likely won't end well for you.

Well, some ex-families do go on vacation together. Ben Affleck and Jenifer Gardner come to mind. You've got to relax, calm down, and be the better man in all this. When your gf comes home, hug her and ask her how the trip was. Don't be jealous or petty. To do anything else will cause an argument and a break up. Forgive and forget basically.

This chick is playing you for a fool. She started dating you before she even left her husband. This means that she is a cheater. She says that her husband has so many issues. Most likely, she has many of these issues herself. People love to blame their exes for their own shortcomings.

Also, her best friend chose to be honest with her husband. This should be a huge red flag to you. Basically, she asked her friend to help cover up her indiscretions and her friend refused.

She went on the vacation because that poor man and her children are her family. If she didn't want a romantic relationship with him, she wouldn't have gone.

Regarding Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner (not Jenifer Gardner, DanZee), Ben Affleck was trying to win his wife and children back after his infidelity. So, that analogy is terrible. It only further shows that cheating spouses do a lot to try to hold on to their families while keeping their side pieces on the line.

Look for someone who doesn't have a family that they're willing to cheat on. Find someone who will respect you enough not to go on vacation with another man (who is the man she should be with anyway) and feed you a bunch of BS while you wait at home wringing your hands.

Are you sure she is your girlfriend?

Unfortunately you are the other man because they are still married and travelling as a family. It would be best for you to bow out until she's legally divorced.

I've been with my girlfriend for a year now...she was married but left her husband of 18 years shortly afterwards.Her husband they've been separated since March....feeling like the "other man" for a year now.

You picked the wrongggg gal. Get out now. She’s not 100% available and the separate room thing ya right what you think she’s gonna tell ya? Pull your head out of the sand

Thank you for all of your opinions....

I haven't heard from her since she boarded her plane. Thought it a bit unusual at first but checked online and her cell phone carrier has limited or no service in Cuba and it sounds like you have to go searching for wi-fi as many hotels don't offer it...and if they do, it's NOT cheap. So yeah...knowing that I may not hear from her for a week makes things extra tough. She didn't look into wi-fi/cell service when booking the trip.

More to the back-story. She's trying to look out for her girls and this trip was supposed to be "closure" according to her husband. He's very manipulative and possessive and on thanksgiving, she invited him for dinner because he was alone (remember, he nor her girls knew about me at the time). He came, he crashed on the sofa and went to work at 3am. Since then, he's been dropping off their girls around the dinner hour and made it a "thing" to have a family dinner, spend time with the girls and crash on the sofa because it's closer to his workplace out of town. Obviously it's just an excuse for him to be around his wife. Over Christmas, he was there for 3 days doing family stuff. She's had at least 3 conversations with him recently that they're not getting back together, that they're only friends....and that was the condition of him going on the trip. This was explained to their two girls as well...and that they will have separate rooms. Last summer, they shared a bed when she at a their cottage for a family get-together but she told me that, felt bad and told me nothing happened. She's very good at being forthright with me...even the little things that most people would brush off (like guys hitting on her, things her husband says, etc). It's my hope and I think she knows it too...that this vacation should be closure for him so he can move on and maybe she can start putting her foot down instead of feeling sorry for him and feeling bad for the girls when they say they like having their dad over for dinner on Sunday's (he works out of town during the week).

A couple things to add.....

My girlfriend and I are in the same business (self-employed) and pretty much share retail space since October. We love working together, she comes and works late nights and sees me whenever she can. She feels bad about telling her daughters that she's going out with one of her girlfriends because she's very uncomfortable lying.

We recently started taking an online course together and are planning our own vacation for the spring....and by that point, she'd have to come clean about our present situation. So we're definitely investing in each other. These were her choices.

If there was anything more than friendship with her husband, she would have ended things with me before she left.

I've talked to a few friends about this and they agree, it's ty for me and not really fair but at the same time....it's for her children. She started planning this trip in the summer and it was only last-minute that she was convinced to bring her husband along.

I know I can't keep waiting around for the truth to come out...because being this secret is torture. April 1 is Easter and I'm really hoping she won't use another holiday or birthday as an excuse not to tell him. He's not so innocent....she recently found out he had a one night stand at their cottage this past summer with his family therea and his daughters in the next room....the walls are paper thin. He then asked the girls NOT to tell their mother. My girlfriend has never asked her children to lie for her and was trying to protect them....but this pity party for him has to stop NOW.

If for some reason (remote chance) they try to work things out, it'll never work. He hates me and the thought of me with her and will bring it up every time he drinks. I could blow the whistle and say things that will destroy that relationship. I don't know if I ever could but if she deceives me on this trip, I just might. I've been soooo patient and considerate of her feelings.

There is wifi in most areas of the world. Cuba is not remote. This is not an excuse. I have been in remote areas of Africa and Asia, and still received wifi.

You are extremely naive with this entire situation. Feeling sorry for an abuser, makes zero sense.

I'm curious why you even created this thread, as you have excused away all of your concerns.

Separated is still married so assume she is on a vacation with her husband and their children. And that is one reason why she is not in contact with you. She's not really available to date as a married woman. Sorry about all this!

Thank you for all of your opinions....

I haven't heard from her since she boarded her plane. Thought it a bit unusual at first but checked online and her cell phone carrier has limited or no service in Cuba and it sounds like you have to go searching for wi-fi as many hotels don't offer it...and if they do, it's NOT cheap. So yeah...knowing that I may not hear from her for a week makes things extra tough. She didn't look into wi-fi/cell service when booking the trip.

Hey, I just want to say I went to Cuba twice, and it was hard to get wifi when you're out and about in the city. However, MOST, if not all, hotels offer it. It's usually $2-4 per 2 hours. Not expensive if she wants to talk to you every day for at least an hour and fill you in. If she is residing at a hotel, it should have not been hard for to get in touch with you every morning and night at least. I went there while I was in a relationship before, and I was able to communicate every day with my bf who was in the states. It was the first thing I did when I got to the hotel there. She should be able to get in touch with you today, and if she doesn't, she is probably using wifi as an excuse.

I have to say that travelling internationally, people don’t always get global access on their phones, but i am not defending this person in any way. I do think that she is going on a trip with her family, and maybe it’s best for you to walk away. I know it’s hard to hear this, but you are the other man in this scenario.

I have to say that travelling internationally, people don’t always get global access on their phones, but i am not defending this person in any way. I do think that she is going on a trip with her family, and maybe it’s best for you to walk away. I know it’s hard to hear this, but you are the other man in this scenario.

You can use wifi at hotels, or other resources all over the world.

I prefer the developing world; I have only had some issues in very remote areas; otherwise, wifi is mostly available. I cannot imagine that Cuba would be a big problem. Wifi is incredibly common. One does not need a plan to communicate.

You are a secret.

You are not invited on a FAMILY vacation.

She is not divorced but only separated.

She is too codependent to even sever her relationship with the man that supposedly abused her.

You are with the wrong woman. You are comfort for when she's not with her husband and girls.

I'm sorry you have fallen for someone not ready to be with you.

I can vouch for Cuba having limited wifi access. Both times I traveled there (in recent years) it was sporadic and unreliable even in my resort. It is not out of the realm of possibility that she cannot easily access an internet signal. Heck, the nearest town down the road didn't even have a reliable power supply in the afternoons.

Anyway, her having wifi or not isn't the issue. The issue is that she was still very much married when she met you, her husband is having a hard time accepting the break-up, they're all on holiday together and she didn't bother to let you know he was coming until the last minute.

This has nothing to do with closure, and everything to do with a marriage that is far from over.

Yes, Wifi where we stayed was atrocious but, there are land line telephones so not contacting you at all would be a red flag in my books.

This has nothing to do with closure, and everything to do with a marriage that is far from over.

Bottom line. she is still very connected to her husband. And, you are a secret. Not the right woman.

I probably panicked a bit. It was too late for her to purchase WIFI by the time she arrived but she did first thing this morning and has been in touch throughout the day.

Couple things I should add....

She's the one that's being naive...thinking her husband will just move on even though she hasn't really set any boundaries (him popping in on short notice, etc). His excuse is always the same....more time with his girls and he can crash on the couch because it saves him 45 minutes on his commute to work at 3am Monday morning.

She knows it has to stop. At first she thought it was just a few times but she tells me it has to stop....but she doesn't know how to say no or explain why it's not okay to her girls (because I'm still a secret).

I can tell by the way she was talking today that she's feeling more guilty than she thought she would for letting him go on the vacation. That she knows it's not right.

She was asked by an acquaintance the other day (in front of me) about her trip and when she said she was going with her kids and ex-husband, the guy's expression said it all. And she knew it.

Secondly...I'd be the one on the vacation if I had behaved differently during the first part of our relationship. I saw somebody casually for the first couple months while we were dating before breaking it off and chose to be with the woman I'm currently with. She found out, knew the truth and I lied. I was embarassed and for a while, she was questioning me about women in my life (I was an instagram and Facebook "like-") and I continued to lie about how I knew them. I was afraid she'd judge me because she was committed to one man for 18 years (since she was 19 years old) and I had been with numerous women over the years. I finally let it go and now I'm forthright and pure honesty and trust feels a lot better than guilt!

Anyway....I'm not excusing her behaviour nor am I justifying her actions. Just pointing out that I betrayed her trust by lying to her for a while and that set us back a few times.

What I DO know: After this vacation, she HAS to put her foot down, set boundaries and start to ease me into her life with her children and make him aware that we are in fact dating RIGHT NOW. Not just best friends who WERE dating in the spring. She should have told him everything at once. Not in pieces.

What I DO know: After this vacation, she HAS to put her foot down, set boundaries and start to ease me into her life with her children and make him aware that we are in fact dating RIGHT NOW. Not just best friends who WERE dating in the spring. She should have told him everything at once. Not in pieces.

No, she doesn't. She's married and her first priority is to her children -who should not be meeting someone she's dating while married, for one thing. There's nothing to tell her husband -he's her husband, and she could jeopardize her relationship with her children and her access to them if he gets mad at the fact that she's dating and they're not even divorced yet (yes even if he is dating) What I would do is tell her you two can resume dating once her divorce is final for a year. Wait till then -she's married now and she will need time to be actually single especially given how intertwined she is now with her husband.

Then once you two are dating as single people and moving towards engagement perhaps you can start to be more involved with her children. Otherwise it's not fair to them. They come first. Also even though she couldn't commit to you when you cheated on her, she may not be fully trusting you not to do that again.

Seems kind of like a mess to me.

What I DO know: After this vacation, she HAS to put her foot down, set boundaries and start to ease me into her life with her children and make him aware that we are in fact dating RIGHT NOW. Not just best friends who WERE dating in the spring. She should have told him everything at once. Not in pieces.

 

No, she doesn't. She's married and her first priority is to her children -who should not be meeting someone she's dating while married, for one thing. There's nothing to tell her husband -he's her husband, and she could jeopardize her relationship with her children and her access to them if he gets mad at the fact that she's dating and they're not even divorced yet (yes even if he is dating) What I would do is tell her you two can resume dating once her divorce is final for a year. Wait till then -she's married now and she will need time to be actually single especially given how intertwined she is now with her husband.

 

Then once you two are dating as single people and moving towards engagement perhaps you can start to be more involved with her children. Otherwise it's not fair to them. They come first. Also even though she couldn't commit to you when you cheated on her, she may not be fully trusting you not to do that again.

 

Seems kind of like a mess to me.

Just because they're separated (for 11+ months), doesn't mean she needs to have a divorce on paper to date somebody. Also, I've met her children numerous times and spent quality time becoming their friend...mostly in the summer/early fall. I was known to them as their mom's good friend and we were very careful not to give them the wrong impression, I never stayed the night or did other "boyfriend" type things.

Around the same time in the summer (this was recently uncovered), her husband (who has his own place) invited a strange woman over while his family (including his two girls) were there, got drunk and they had sex in the room next to the girls and asked them not to tell their mother. At least the woman I'm dating was very careful and never asked her children to lie about anything.

So I have a good relationship with her girls, they were recently told that their mother and I dated in the spring, that we're best friends and care for each other. Her next step will be to tell them we're dating in the present tense (and she'll tell her husband the same). I think it's a healthy approach but what I'm not happy about is how she has a hard time saying no to her husband who likes to pop in and check up on her, see what she's up to, who she's with, etc. If you didn't read my previous comments, it was recently revealed that he had her friend spying on her and giving her information and acting inappropriately with this friend.

I also don't like the fact that since October, he's made a habit out of dropping off his girls around the dinner hour so he could stay, have a meal, hang out and then say it's too late for him to drive home and crash on the couch. I don't like how he's been playing the victim for the past 11 months and manipulates his children and everyone else that will listen after he spent the summer being a douche and the past 7 months spying on her and acting inappropriately with her friend.

Is any of this making sense yet? lol

Has she even filed for divorce yet?

What I DO know: After this vacation, she HAS to put her foot down, set boundaries and start to ease me into her life with her children and make him aware that we are in fact dating RIGHT NOW. Not just best friends who WERE dating in the spring. She should have told him everything at once. Not in pieces.

I think you're going to find that the above isn't going to happen.

She isn't done with him yet, either.

Sorry but it seems like she views you as her boy toy while she reconsiders her separation. She doesn't have boundaries because she doesn't seem to want them.

...thinking her husband will just move on even though she hasn't really set any boundaries (him popping in on short notice, etc). His excuse is always the same....more time with his girls and he can crash on the couch because it saves him 45 minutes on his commute to work at 3am Monday morning.