Will it be like this every time?

I just broke up with my girlfriend. A week ago anyway. This is a somewhat familiar feeling.

This time it was kind of complicated. She has kids, and is still legally married to their dad, who is a bit of a pr*ck.

Sorry, I am new to the forum and not sure if you're allowed to swear or not. I know I should look through other people's posts, but I only just registered because my head is overwhelming me at the moment and I needed to say this somewhere.

We had been together for about 6 months, with almost a year of flirting before that.

I broke up with her for a few reasons. One is that we didn't start going out at a really easy time, there were difficulties (with the ex) from the start. I didn't handle the stuff as it happened very well. I got jealous even though I trusted her fully.

But the bigger reason is that I have an issue with commitment. I really wish I didn't. At the start I spent a long time making sure that I could see myself with her long term, that I would be happy to live in the same place for the foreseeable future, that I would be happy to be with the same person for the rest of my life, that I would still love her in a year's time. And I was sure about all of it. I was really sure.

But now, here I am. The commitment is looming large, and I got scared away. I care about her so much, but I really worry that if I didn't end it now then it would happen in six months time, when I get itchy feet to live somewhere else or something. As I write this I still can't work it out. I still don't know which part I am really scared of. All I know is that it is there, and it is real. That at some point I am going to f*ck this up, and that it must be better to do that now, and cause her less pain, than do it later.

But all week, and tonight in particular, I am really doubting myself, and missing her. I don't know what to do, about this girl.

I know I don't come across well in this message, I'm just trying to be as honest as I can. Thank you for any replies.

So, you dated a chick with tons of baggage for a mere six months and decided that you didn't want to commit to her. What's the problem? Maybe you do have issues with commitment. That doesn't mean that you should have committed to her. Things didn't feel right and you ended the relationship. That is smart and healthy. She is a married woman with kids. This is not an ideal situation for anyone. Would you have rather strung her and yourself along while hurting her children? You did the right thing here. In trying to work on your commitment issues, you may want to examine why you dated an unavailable person in the first place.

Thank you for the reply.

I guess the problem is two fold.

- Firstly the longer term one, that I am mid 30s and none of my relationships have lasted more then 8 months. I don't want that, I really want a long term relationship. But obviously that's not happening. I don't know if I just haven't met the right person, or if I am sabotaging my relationships because of my fear of the commitment/settling down.

- And secondly that I don't know if I've done the right thing with this girl. I know I was being optimistic given the complications from the start. But things are so good with her when we are together. We make each other really happy. But yeah, I worry that it's not going to work and so ended it earlier rather than later.

I do want to examine the commitment issues yeah. I'm not sure I deliberately chose to date an unavailable person. I haven't dated anyone with kids or who was married in the past. But I had got to know this girl over about a year as we see each other most days at work. (And yeah, I know what people say about dating someone from work, I'll think about that one another day). And it just felt really natural between us, we always made excuses to see each other more.

Stay single and get to the root cause of why you fear commitment, otherwise you will sabotage every relationship you try when you start to develop feelings. You cant run away always, relationships require a great deal of work and commitment.

That being said, don't date married women or women with bf's, and dont date women who are rebounding either.

Maybe you seek these types out intentionally?

Thanks for the reply SweetGirl.

Yeah, you are right, I need to get to the root cause. I just have no idea how to do that, or how to address it when I identify it.

In terms of the girl I was seeing. She was (is) married. But they were already separated when I met her. We took our time to start, and were clear about intentions. It wasn't a rebound for her. And I was convinced at the time that I could manage it. (I see now that I was probably being naiive). As I said in my last reply, I don't have a history of dating anyone with kids, or who had been married. And I have never seen anyone who had a boyfriend at the time.

First off, you did the right thing by breaking up. It would have been selfish of you to stay in the relationship when you don't know what you want right now.

Like others have mentioned, it's best that you get to the root of the problem and find out why your relationships don't last longer than eight months, and furthermore, why you believe you may have a fear of commitment.

Best you act on this now and get some answers. Otherwise, you're going to continue experiencing the same problems, most likely, and one day you may find yourself at an older age, alone and lonely.

Thanks Milly... any advice on how to act on this? I mean I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, I know that I crave experiences and I worry about having a boring life. I don't think that has to preclude a relationship, it's just finding one that works with that.

To be honest I say I have commitment issues because I've been told that by friends. Though recently I've come to believe them more on it.

Thanks Milly... any advice on how to act on this? I mean I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, I know that I crave experiences and I worry about having a boring life. I don't think that has to preclude a relationship, it's just finding one that works with that.

To be honest I say I have commitment issues because I've been told that by friends. Though recently I've come to believe them more on it.

Well, I think your best bet would be to see a professional (i.e. - therapist/psychologist), as they might be able to help you figure out why these types of relationships are a recurring pattern in your life and what you can do to hopefully turn things around, that's if you want to (and it sounds like you do).

But, after doing some self-reflecting, did you notice any commonalities amongst your past relationships? Meaning did you notice that there was anything lacking in the relationships that you truly needed? Maybe more adventure? More common interests? Maybe a woman that challenged you more?

Make sure you're honest with yourself in terms of what you're looking for and what you need in a relationship. Don't commit because you're lonely and feel the need to just be with someone.

Can I ask, how old are you?

I was just wondering if I should go and speak to someone professional. I think it's got to make sense to address it properly.

I've always been aware of specific reasons for breaking up yeah. Actually this is the first time that I've seen it as being a commitment issue. The other times were based on different things, loss of interest, geographical separation, lack of physical attraction, failure of trust etc.

I'm 35. Thanks for the advice. I don't think I'd ever commit because I'm lonely, but at least now I guess I'm alert to spotting it!

I was just wondering if I should go and speak to someone professional. I think it's got to make sense to address it properly.

 

I've always been aware of specific reasons for breaking up yeah. Actually this is the first time that I've seen it as being a commitment issue. The other times were based on different things, loss of interest, geographical separation, lack of physical attraction, failure of trust etc.

 

I'm 35. Thanks for the advice. I don't think I'd ever commit because I'm lonely, but at least now I guess I'm alert to spotting it!

I think speaking with a professional is a great idea.

It's one thing to break up with someone because you know you weren't compatible, but have you ever broken up with someone because you felt like you were getting too close to them/falling for them?

I had a friend who would pull back in relationships because she was afraid of being hurt. She would feel like she was getting too close to the guy and before he could hurt her, she'd pull back.

She was essentially afraid of being hurt, so she would hurt them and ruin the relationship before they could do the same to her.

Oh, I don't think it's the same as with your friend then. No, I've never broken up with someone because I was falling for them. I don't seem to have fallen for people properly recently. Both my last two relationships ended with her saying she loved me, and me not being able to say it back (though of course the most recent didn't end just because of that.

Though I guess that I do get scared away when that happens. If they say they are in love then it hits me that it's hurting them that I don't love them yet, and then I break it off, for that specific reason or something related.

Has anyone mentioned you might be autistic or have Asperger's? It's sounds a bit like the pattern that some of those folks have. Have you ever been in love? What happened in that relationship?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you having had only eight-month long relationships. Eight months is usually the length of time it takes to find out if the relationship works or doesn't. You just haven't found the right person yet.

Don't worry that you are in your 30's. I didn't get married until 39. I was a beautiful woman. So beautiful, that everything I even slightly wanted was given to me immediately and without any extra effort on my part. I modeled and acted bit parts on hit TV shows. I say this not to brag, but to set up my story. Although I had the world at my fingertips, and was surrounded by many positive (beautiful inside and out) people to boot, I had been horribly abused and neglected by my parents. As a result, I stayed YEARS in unfulfilling relationships. Towards the end of my youth and beauty, I actually praised myself for only being with someone for eight months. It meant that I had learned to recognize when a situation wasn't right for me. At 39, I found my husband and we were married within five months of dating. Within 11 months of marriage, we conceived our son.

You are doing a great job of recognizing when things aren't right for you. What I recommend is trying to figure out what you want in a relationship, so that when it comes along you will recognize it. Yes, it probably is a good idea to seek counseling because you feel you need it. If you feel you need it, then you do. But, don't think for one second that it is too late for you to find love, or that you have been doing something wrong up until this point.

Also, the women telling you they loved you after only a few months of dating may not have actually loved you. Real love takes time. They may have said it for the reason that so many people do. "Well, we've been dating for X months, so now is the time to say I love you." Seriously, people throw that word around all the time without truly meaning it. You should feel proud of yourself for not parroting those words back when you didn't feel them. So, many people parrot those words back just because they feel they are supposed to.

If you had a string of relationships lasting several years under your belt (like I did at your age), that would not prove that you are good at commitment. That would only prove that you are good at making relationships last for years. That's not the same as commitment. That's just perseverence.

Yeah DanZee, there are a couple of people who have asked that. I am pretty honest and at times blunt, which some people see as being autistic too. Actually this girl asked me that, semi-jokingly. I never thought I was, but that made me doubt it so I did a test for it and that came back as me definitely not having autism. Pretty confident I'm not, I don't have any of the social anxieties associated with it.

I honestly don't know if I've ever been in love. I thought I had a few times, mostly when I was younger. It was always near the start, and then over time I would fall out of love/realise it never was love. But looking at it now, I kind of doubt any of them were really love. And in say the past 10 years I've not even felt like I was in love.

BeenThereB4 thank you do much for your message, and thank you for sharing your experiences. I found it really insightful and comforting to read through.

I've always seen the time thing the way you said it, that I was just identifying relationships that didn't work. But I guess recently I really started to doubt that. It's hard not to read in to patterns.

I do feel like I need to talk to someone about it properly, because it gets in my head when I meet someone that I will probably end up leaving them. That's not a healthy way to start out (regardless of the stats!).

I guess the other thing is I'm sat here questioning if I have done the wrong thing by breaking up with this girl. I know the replies so far have suggested I did. And I know that's the advice I would probably give to someone else in this situation. But I'm struggling so much with it all, which is not really like me. In the past I've got over it pretty quickly. One complication is that we do work together, so there is forced contact. She's been really good about it, but I see this being super hard for us both. Especially if either of us start seeing someone else. I have been thinking about leaving to work somewhere else. That's not ideal, but it does seem necessary. I appreciate why people say not to date people from work!"

I honestly don't know if I've ever been in love. I thought I had a few times, mostly when I was younger. It was always near the start, and then over time I would fall out of love/realise it never was love. But looking at it now, I kind of doubt any of them were really love. And in say the past 10 years I've not even felt like I was in love.

Hmm. Jack, I think this is the problem right here. Women are looking for Prince Charming to ride up and sweep them off their feet, at least initially, during the honeymoon phase of the relationship. They want to love and be loved. But I think they're sensing that you're just not "into" them, that you don't love them and that causes the problem. A lot of people would think, why carry on a relationship if there isn't that initial spark of love? And this leads to the break up.

I think you need to look for a particular type of woman, someone who's intellectual and very serious. Someone who would be more of a friend and companion rather than a lover. Someone who might be more like you, who sees things eye-to-eye, who has a biting wit, and wants an equal. (Katharine Hepburn, where are you?) This is a rare combination, but it might save you from just dating the average woman you come in contact with on the street and in your life. You could start by asking people you know if they know of someone who's like that and work from there. But I wish you good luck.

Hmm. Jack, I think this is the problem right here. Women are looking for Prince Charming to ride up and sweep them off their feet, at least initially, during the honeymoon phase of the relationship. They want to love and be loved. But I think they're sensing that you're just not "into" them, that you don't love them and that causes the problem. A lot of people would think, why carry on a relationship if there isn't that initial spark of love? And this leads to the break up.

 

I think you need to look for a particular type of woman, someone who's intellectual and very serious. Someone who would be more of a friend and companion rather than a lover. Someone who might be more like you, who sees things eye-to-eye, who has a biting wit, and wants an equal. (Katharine Hepburn, where are you?) This is a rare combination, but it might save you from just dating the average woman you come in contact with on the street and in your life. You could start by asking people you know if they know of someone who's like that and work from there. But I wish you good luck.

Yeah, I agree this is an issue. Though actually that's never really come up as a complaint, the early days I am really in to them, romantic in my own weird quirky way. But then their emotions grow stronger and mine seem to just plateau.

You are probably right, I need to be clearer on who and what I want. Katherine Hepburn does fit the bill ;)

I'm going to take some time to properly think this all through. I just sent a message to a counsellor to set up an appointment and ordered a book (he's scared, she's scared - no idea if it's good). I'm still not certain that breaking up with the girl was the right thing, but I guess some proper time apart to think will be good. My hunch is that we're both better off apart, the last thing I want to do is mess her around.