Are we growing apart or is this what long-term relationships are like?

My boyfriend and I have been together for exactly one year now. He is 7 years older than I am (I am 21, he is 28). The start of our relationship wasn't perfect. We met when he was still together with his ex-girlfriend. Even though we were purely friends at first, we started hanging out more and having feelings for each other. Long story short, eventually they broke up and some time later we started dating. Before we became 'official', we had a casual sex relationship. It wasn't entirely like friends with benefits; we both made clear that we had feelings for each other and that we wanted a relationship, but he needed time before starting a new relationship, which I understood. He was my first. And I had also never been in a relationship before. During that casual period, the sex was amazing. Even though I have no one to compare with, I couldn't imagine it becoming any better. Our sex drive was pretty much at the same level, and we did it often (as is normal for any couple that starts having sex, I guess). By the time we 'officially' got together, it all wasn't as new and exciting as it was in the beginning, but we still had sex at least once a week, maybe a few times a week. It always kind of bummed me out that that whole new, exciting, sexy period was while we weren't actually dating. I had always imagined having my first time with a loving boyfriend who I had been with for a while. And for some reason I didn't feel as 'loved' and safe as I would have, had I been in a real relationship.

The first months of our relationship were nice. We did cute, couply things and grew closer together. I met his family, which I LOVE. But as time passes, more and more things start popping up that make me doubt whether we're growing apart. His sex drive lowered more and faster than mine did. He wouldn't want sex as often as I would, but I could understand that. He is seven years older and he has been in a long term relationship before (they were together for about 7-8 years) so I get that sex isn't as exciting for him (anymore) as it is to me. But to me sex still is kind of new, and I have actually never orgasmed before, so I am still in that exploring phase. And when we first started having sex, we would have so much foreplay, which was amazing for me. But as time passed, he became less interested in foreplay and sometimes I had to really ask him to take some time for foreplay. He also didn't want to go down on me anymore? He used to do it all the time at the beginning, but after a while he practically refused... It resulted in me breaking down crying, asking him if I was that gross. He said something like I smelled different than I did in the beginning. It hurt me and made me feel so insecure, that I don't even want him to do it anymore. So the very rare times that he starts to make his way down (which I think is just trying to do me a favor), I just don't let him because I wouldn't even enjoy it anymore. And I don't want to make sex into this huge deal, because I know it's not the most important part of a relationship, but for me it still matters. He just becomes less and less interested, which makes me feel unattractive and unwanted. Sometimes we'll go weeks without having sex (which for a relationship of one year, and compared to how it was in the beginning, seems so little to me). We have talked about it, but he just says that he loves spending time with me, and it shouldn't be all about sex and ... And I know that's true, but it still hurts me. Sometimes I'll initiate sex, or tell him I want to, and he'll just reject me. And when I try to ask him what lingerie he likes, he just says he likes everything, it's all good, ... It just makes me feel like he's not interested anymore, and sometimes even makes me doubt whether I can trust him, or whether he is seeing someone else on the side. Because I can't imagine that the horny guy I knew a year ago, can now go weeks without sex...

But sex isn't the only thing that bothers me. He can be so sweet at times, but sometimes he can also make hurtful comments, that instantly bring tears to my eyes. Last summer we went on our first vacation together. We had just landed and were standing at the entrance of the airport and he asked for his phone to check the address of the hotel. I couldn't find it right away because it was in my huge handbag, which was filled with a bunch of other stuff, so I had to really dig for it. He immediately became annoyed and snapped at me. The reason that hurt particularly was just that we had just started our first vacation together, and he couldn't be at least a bit patient. At the end of that same vacation, back at the airport, I had my handbag on my shoulder and a bottle of water tucked in under my arm. I was planning on drinking from it, but we kept moving and looking for where to go that I didn't get the chance. He told me to put it away, because it was annoying (?!) and I told him that I found it easier to hold it like that than have a heavy bag on my shoulder, and that I wanted to drink once I got the chance. We got in line to check in our luggage, and he was clearly annoyed. Nevertheless, he proceeds to open a bottle of beer, and when we suddenly have to move, he gets annoyed that we are holding too many things. After we had checked in our luggage, he saw that I was still holding my bottle of water and all of a sudden he snapped at me saying 'Are you serious? Don't you realize how annoying you are???' And it immediately brought tears to my eyes. I didn't understand why he was so mean and why he wanted to end our vacation together in such a way. Yes, I might have overreacted, but his words were just so unexpected that I couldn't even stop the tears.

I feel like lately he is criticizing me more and more, like I'm too clumsy, I'm too slow, I am doing this wrong or that wrong. But when I say one little thing, he gets all annoyed and doesn't want to hear it. Is that just typical for men? Because my father is the exact same way. Lately, I also feel like we don't properly communicate. When we go to bed, either he fell asleep on the couch and he just moves to the bed and continues sleeping, or he immediately turns off the light, says he's tired and goes to sleep. We barely ever talk in bed, which I really miss, because I would just really like to talk a bit before falling asleep, because it just brings people closer. When I sleep at home (I still live with my parents), my mom often comes and lies with me and we just talk until we start falling asleep, and I wish I could do the same thing with my boyfriend. But he just doesn't feel the need to do that at all. And it's not just then. Often when I try to say something he'll say, "babe not now, I'm watching tv/sleepy/on the toilet/in the shower/busy/... And whenever we eat dinner, the tv is ALWAYS on. And not just on, I can't talk because "he's watching" and I can't bother him. And after dinner we move to the couch (if we didn't already eat dinner on the couch with our plates in our lap) and continue to watch tv and not talk. And then we go to bed, and you know what happens then... yup, no talking. And the thing that is probably worst of all... is that he SHUSHES me. I seriously can't stand that he does that. I'll start saying something, and he'll just be like sssh babe. Not now. Or he'll say, "sssh, you're yelling", when I'm just slightly raising my voice unintentionally, because otherwise he just won't listen to me. It just feels so disrespectful and it hurts me so much. And I've told him I don't like it, and sometimes I think I'm getting through to him, but the next time he just does it again. It just makes me not want to talk or tell him anything anymore, because that's the response I get.

I also feel like lately, we're not doing anything fun anymore. From the middle of december until the end of january, I had final exams in college, so obviously we didn't do anything at all. I thought that maybe we would take a little trip somewhere once I finished, because I only had 1 week of vacation before my second semester started, and all of my friends were going away (a lot of them went skiing, but I don't have a lot of experience skiing, so I couldn't go with them). For some reason I thought that he had hinted at making a trip somewhere, but when I asked him about it, he said he couldn't, because he was going skiing with his friends at the end of the month (which is now, he left yesterday). He said he didn't have any more budget for the month, and he wouldn't be able (and didn't want to) take any more days off work. I guess those are fair arguments, I just wish he would've told me sooner, because then I could have made other plans with friends. During my finals he'd promised to take me out to dinner once my finals were over, but that never happened. He had taken the challenge to not drink alcohol for a month, and said he'd prefer to do the dinner after that month, because a nice glass of wine or beer is one of the best parts of going out to dinner. Okay, again a fair argument, but would it have been so bad to just drink water for once? Especially considering the fact I had literally been locked inside for a month and a half studying. I didn't want to be the whiney girlfriend, so I just let it pass. And I asked him, since we weren't going to make a trip, if we could at least do something fun on the weekend, like visit a city somewhere not too far, we could even come back that same evening, so it wouldn't cost that much. He said it was too cold to be visiting and walking around a city, and that there weren't many fun things to do in winter, so that he didn't want to do that. To make things worse, around that time he told me that in a few months he'll make a trip with a few friends to Dubai, because one of their high school friends is a pilot and is living there, so they can stay at his place, and he can hook them up with cheaper plane tickets. The thing is, that he's been promising me that we'd go together either this year or next. We'd even talked about how we should go before he relocated, or their friendship would weaken or something like that. Obviously I wasn't too happy when he told me about his plans. The fact that I only have one week of vacation over the whole year (except for summer obviously), and the fact that he makes TWO trips with his friends, but somehow it's impossible to go away with me during that week, just for a few days, really upset me. I tried to talk to him and explain how I felt, but he just wouldn't understand... And said that it wasn't his fault that I hadn't made any vacation plans with my friends. So basically I had been locked in my room studying for a month and a half, thinking I had at least something to look forward to, but I didn't get any fun activity, not even a date out to dinner? It just hurt me that he didn't want to do anything fun for me, even though he knew how hard I had worked for my finals. I'm still a young girl (woman?), and I enjoy dressing up and doing something nice, but lately we're just not doing anything fun anymore. Just lying on the couch watching Netflix. And then Valentine's day came around (not that I really need to celebrate it), and then I got the results of my finals (which were good), and then we had our one year anniversary. And still, although we had a lot to celebrate, we didn't even go out... I mean, is it that much to ask? I'm not even expecting anything fancy (although he did promise me something fancy, but I already know he doesn't keep that type of promises), but I just want SOMETHING to get us out of that damn apartment, and to give me the occasion to dress up. Because lately I don't even feel like trying to look good, because we're just lying on the couch in our sweats. And he says he still 'owes' me a dinner, but that 'promise' doesn't even mean anything to me anymore...

So now he went off on his trip with his friends. While we haven't gone out in over two months (except for the times we had dinner with his or my parents), and he is still promising the nice dinner he owes me (which just makes it sound stupid, and not even something to look forward to anymore). And the worst part is that we hadn't had sex for two weeks before he left, and I had thought that he would want to do it at least before he left, because he left for a week, but he didn't... And I'm just afraid to initiate lately, because I don't want to face being rejected again. It just hurts too much and breaks down my confidence.

I don't know what to think anymore... are we growing apart? Or is all of this normal for a long-term relationship? This is my first relationship ever, so I just don't know how to feel about all of this.

If there's anyone who hasn't given up reading this insanely long text I wrote, I could really use some advice.

Thank you so much :)

I think while he's gone, and if you have a key to his place, you go over and pick up any of your stuff you have at his and then when he gets back, break up with him.

Dating is about getting to know who you are attracted to and seeing if you enjoy one another once the new relationship energy wears off. You're finding out that he's not all that and a bag of chips so its a good idea to get out the relationship before you waste anymore time in it. I don't think you'd like a lifetime of what little value he is showing you. You can do better.

I'm sorry that your boyfriend has turned out to be such a douchebag. Unfortunately, this is who he really is - he started showing his true colours as soon as the honeymoon stage ended.

He came out of an 8 year relationship and almost immediately started dating you; first big red flag. He was/is rebounding and should not have started this relationship with you in the first place. What you have now is a guy who is nowhere near ready and willing for a serious committed relationship - his actions are all signs of that. I know this hurts to hear but he certainly does NOT love you. A man who loves his woman will demonstrate this with words and actions. But this guy won't even sleep with you (and please be assured- there is NOTHING wrong with you down there, that was just a bs excuse on his part!), he is taking you for granted to an almost ridiculous degree, he's less than enthusiastic to make plans with you, the two of you dont do anything a couple should be doing, he is intentionlly planning trips with his friends excluding you, heck, he is not even talking to you.. Do you not realize how much better you deserve? You're still young and life is so short. . Please dont waste another day of it on him.

The increased criticism, nitpicking and becoming more and more irritable, is just a classic sign of someone who does not really want to be in the relationship and finds their partner to actually be a burden to them and their freedom; be sure that he is already checking out emotionally and either does not have the balls to break up, or is trying to grow the balls to break up.

Reading your post made me quite sad actually because nobody deserves to be treated as such a low priority and like an annoyance by their partner especially when they have not done anything wrong. It also made me sad because there are acutally guys out there who would treat you like gold and make you feel important and loved every day; trust me, I am in such a relationship (going on 2 years) and it makes every jerk I've dated in the past pale in comparison.

I think deep down in your heart you know what you need to do and I know that you have the strength to do it.

Im sorry you have wasted so much time on this jerk. Please know this is not a normal and loving, healthy relationship.

You need to just leave him and if he asks why tell him you can do better!

This is very sad, and you are deserving of so much more. It's obvious the pain you feel by reading your post.

Get the strength up to end this if you can, because what you see is what you get. And this isn't good for you

emotionally. You are so young, don't waste your life accepting this treatment.

No, this is not a normal nor healthy relationship. This guy sounds like a douche who took advantage of your inexperience to try to mold you into whatever convenient version of a girlfriend suits him. Getting involved with older men at your lifestage and with your current inexperience, carries that risk. Women his age would have kicked him to the curb a long time ago. First, he used you to rebound/ monkey branch from his former relationship (this is a preview of his break up style and personal code of conduct - he will not treat you any better on a break up). You seriously need to question your willingness to participate in such a situation and when it's done to you, remember that. He started being emotionally abusive at six months. He doesn't keep his word. He has lost his sexual interest in you or he has a very low sex drive. And you are wasting the best years of your life on this loser. In addition, you may want to ponder on him being emotionally neglectful/abusive the same way that your dad was...some things can feel familiar for all the wrong reasons.

Overall, this is a toxic relationship. Unless you enjoy being emotionally abused/neglected and sexually frustrated, you would be better off breaking up. The honeymoon period is over and he has shown his true colors to you. He won't change. This is who he is. By carrying on, you are making informed choices based on a year of data collection (monkey brancher, high chance of emotional cheating or worse, emotional neglect, emotional abuse, selfish, not keeping his promises, lack of sex) ... Continuing to invest in such a relationship will hurt your self-esteem and leave you with emotional baggage. The truth is in his actions.

No, this isn't typical of most men and it's not what a long-term relationship should settle into.

I'm sorry but this one is already ending. He has lost interest and he doesn't treat you right anyway. Muster up your courage and break up with him; he will eventually do so anyway.

No def not normal for a long term relationship. He was in the lovey dovey stage and that is over, so now you get to experience the true him. My bf and I have been together a little over 6 months and he still treats me the same. W/my ex we were together for close to a year, he would snap at me too and just act kinda mean, so after this, I concluded that behavior is not normal of a loving person. Prob all exciting and new in the beginning, then it seems like you get on their nerves. His behavior will get worse and personally due to damaged self esteem, I wouldn't be able to take it. You deserve someone who loves you, not someone who tosses you aside when convenient and chews you out for little things.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and reply. I've had the time to sleep on it and re-read everything I wrote and although it's all true, it does sound really one-sided. In my first post I only talked about what bothers me. Obviously it's not all bad and he also has his good sides, otherwise I would have already left him. He can be really loving and caring, which just makes it harder for me, because I don't know what to think of him. We laugh together. He takes care of me when I'm sick. He picks me up almost every time I go to him (which is 1-3 times a week, and a 45 min - 1h30 drive both ways). A few weeks ago we spent two days in a row driving 3-4 hours from store to store to find me something I couldn't find anywhere. And even though we haven't gone out in a while, we do sometimes go for walks and coffee, so we do still do nice things, just not as often as I would want I guess. And I just really miss going on date nights. And although we don't really talk when we're on the couch or in bed, he does cuddle me because he knows I like it, even though that makes it harder for him to sleep. And when I started studying for finals, he cleared out his spare room and put a desk there so I could study at his place, because he's away at work during the day and he knows it's not always quiet at my parents' house. And while I was studying, he cooked for us every night and didn't even ask me to help with dishes or anything. He consoled me when I was stressed for the exams.

So he can be really affectionate. And he can be considerate and do things that show me he cares, but then again he also does the things I've described above. All of this leaves me with mixed feelings and doubt...

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and reply. I've had the time to sleep on it and re-read everything I wrote and although it's all true, it does sound really one-sided. In my first post I only talked about what bothers me. Obviously it's not all bad and he also has his good sides, otherwise I would have already left him. He can be really loving and caring, which just makes it harder for me, because I don't know what to think of him. We laugh together. He takes care of me when I'm sick. He picks me up almost every time I go to him (which is 1-3 times a week, and a 45 min - 1h30 drive both ways). A few weeks ago we spent two days in a row driving 3-4 hours from store to store to find me something I couldn't find anywhere. And even though we haven't gone out in a while, we do sometimes go for walks and coffee, so we do still do nice things, just not as often as I would want I guess. And I just really miss going on date nights. And although we don't really talk when we're on the couch or in bed, he does cuddle me because he knows I like it, even though that makes it harder for him to sleep. And when I started studying for finals, he cleared out his spare room and put a desk there so I could study at his place, because he's away at work during the day and he knows it's not always quiet at my parents' house. And while I was studying, he cooked for us every night and didn't even ask me to help with dishes or anything. He consoled me when I was stressed for the exams.

 

So he can be really affectionate. And he can be considerate and do things that show me he cares, but then again he also does the things I've described above. All of this leaves me with mixed feelings and doubt...

Okay, so now that you've gotten all these replies that you should leave him, you've dug deep and are trying to convince yourself why you shouldn't by focusing on all the good while tucking the (mostly) bad away.

The majority of the time you are not happy with him even if he is capable of being nice so, YOU have to decide if YOU can change to be able to accept the (mostly) bad as a lifestyle. While you are deciding, keep in mind that his apathy and indifference towards you will only get worst as you continue on together. He won't change when you're there accepting his indifference and enabling his apathy towards the relationship in general.

Good luck and choose wisely. You may want to talk to him one more time and tell him what you've been telling us so he at least has an opportunity to remedy before you leave (if that's what you're going to do). At least then you'll know you have tried to resolve but he's not capable of change (if he doesn't do anything other then what he's always done).

OP, you are back-pedaling.

You know you're not happy with him. A good guy who loves you doesn't treat you the way this one does. Scraps of love and attention does not make up for a generally lonely and unsatisfying relationship.

(Does anyone know how to delete replies? Something went wrong)

(Does anyone know how to delete replies? Something went wrong)

Okay, so now that you've gotten all these replies that you should leave him, you've dug deep and are trying to convince yourself why you shouldn't by focusing on all the good while tucking the (mostly) bad away.

 

The majority of the time you are not happy with him even if he is capable of being nice so, YOU have to decide if YOU can change to be able to accept the (mostly) bad as a lifestyle. While you are deciding, keep in mind that his apathy and indifference towards you will only get worst as you continue on together. He won't change when you're there accepting his indifference and enabling his apathy towards the relationship in general.

 

Good luck and choose wisely. You may want to talk to him one more time and tell him what you've been telling us so he at least has an opportunity to remedy before you leave (if that's what you're going to do). At least then you'll know you have tried to resolve but he's not capable of change (if he doesn't do anything other then what he's always done).

I feel like I just needed to put everything in perspective, both for the people here, and for myself.

You are right, as long as I keep accepting his behaviour, nothing will change. I do still care for him, so I will try to talk to him one more time and let him know that I'm serious. Maybe he'll understand how I'm feeling and take it serious. If I didn't at least try to resolve, I know I wouldn't be able to let go of it in my head.

Thank you. This has really helped me a lot.

OP, you are back-pedaling.

 

You know you're not happy with him. A good guy who loves you doesn't treat you the way this one does. Scraps of love and attention does not make up for a generally lonely and unsatisfying relationship.

I know I am. But when I think about ending it, my mind immediately goes to the good times and the times he does make me happy... As I wrote in my previous reply, I've decided to try to talk to him one last time.

I'm going to answer this as I read...

In response to the FIRST two paragraphs (which is all I have read so far) I say this: Men are excited by sex in the BEGINNING more than they are a year or two in. (You seem to be somewhat aware of this already, I just want to confirm it for you.) When WOMEN are in love (or even heavy heavy like) sex with their boyfriend is wonderful and often craved. Not only does it FEEL great, but it's also a form of CLOSENESS. And you want to experience that with the person you're so crazy about. But for MEN, part of the "allure" of sex is the excitement of it being new, being able to get it, trying different locations, positions, activities, etc. But after a while, that begins to die down and we settle into enjoying what a relationship is REALLY about. Quality time, having fun, cuddling, going out, doing couply activities, etc. The sex will still be there, but it's not as high on the "priority list" anymore. As crappy as it sounds, he KNOWS he's able to **** you. You're his girlfriend. So it's not as big of a turn on as it was when you were new. (Again, I'm not trying to be an ass by ANY means, but look at my screen names. I will keep it honest at all times.)

Now, this whole "You smell different now" thing sounds kinda suspect. I mean, *IF* you do, maybe go to the doctor and...look, I don't know anything about what makes a female smell a certain way down there, so I can't really advise you there. But look into it and see if this is genuine or BS on his part. It could just be an excuse though.

Paragraph 3, The vacation: I'm not sure why you holding a bottle of water would annoy him. There was likely some underlying thing there that you weren't aware of. Because him getting mad at you over that is just silly. Same thing with the phone. Dude needs to calm his ass down. It's not that serious. Though I will say he keeps doing it because you ALLOW it. Instead of crying when he says these things, you need to stand up and say "Hold on. Who the hell are you talking to like that? I know you're annoyed but you need to chill with the attitude. I'm not snapping at you for all the stupid things YOU'VE done, so you're not about to do it to me. If you have an issue, discuss it with me. Don't snap at me." Have a backbone with him, rather than always being so sensitive and docile. He treats you that way because he can. Show him that he can't.

Paragraph 4, His criticisms and you not being able to talk to him: The solution to this problem is simple. Switch up your behavior. Completely baffle him. Don't try to have conversations with him (even though you should be ABLE to, stop anyway). Be very CASUAL around him. Don't be loving, don't be affectionate, don't nag, don't do ANYTHING. (Hell, give him high fives if you want to.) Also, start going OUT more. It can be anywhere. A night on the town, sleepover at your girlfriends, stay at your parents' place for several days on end, no unnecessary texting him, etc. REALLY CHANGE on him. And if he ASKS you about it, act like you have no idea what he's talking about. Seriously. "What are you talking about? Stop exaggerating." If he persists, tell him to stop being a baby. You don't have to spend every moment with him. (Even if you HATE to act like this because you feel the opposite, TRY it.) If he says "Fine then" or cops an attitude, don't budge. Don't apologize. Act like it's no big deal even if HE starts doing it (becoming distant). He WILL eventually ask you again what the heck has gotten into you. If he DOESN'T, he DOES NOT LOVE YOU and DOES NOT CARE. Which should tell you something. He already treats you poorly in some ways. Why is he a guy you want to continue dating without some improvement? Try my tactic. If you need step by step help, just come back to the thread and update us. We'll walk you through it.

As for his criticisms, don't let him disrespect you like that! Next time he calls you a name, say "Oh I KNOW YOU aren't talking, Mr.....(followed by some comment about the way he is or something stupid he's done). You have NO room to talk." Or, PLAY with him when he calls you slow. Say "What can I say? It's the lack of sex. Your d*** gives me energy." You know? Be flirty. Don't just be the "boring, long term girlfriend." Know what I mean?

Paragraph 5, the BIG one lol: It sounds like his interest in you and this relationship is waning. He could even have sex with someone while on this trip. (Though don't go getting paranoid just because I said that.) The problem here seems to be that he has his own life and interests, while most of YOUR life revolves around HIM. That's an issue. Truth be told, you should have found out for CERTAIN (during your finals) if you guys were gonna do anything together during your break, or if you should make other plans instead. (Not that you should HAVE to, since, what type of sorry a** boyfriend only tells you about his ski trip AFTER you ask him if YOU two can do something? Yeah. Pretty s**tty of him.)

He is by NO MEANS a great boyfriend. And yes, I could spend this whole reply downing him, but that won't help. What I'm doing instead is telling you what YOU can do, to fix it. Or try to make things better. (Assuming you even still want to BE with this guy.) You must change YOUR behavior if he won't change HIS. (And if you ever want HOPE of him changing his.) Which is why I'm giving you the advice I've given. Read it over, and begin the change. He'll notice it if you keep it up. Trust me. Then, keep US updated.

I'm going to answer this as I read...

 

In response to the FIRST two paragraphs (which is all I have read so far) I say this: Men are excited by sex in the BEGINNING more than they are a year or two in. (You seem to be somewhat aware of this already, I just want to confirm it for you.) When WOMEN are in love (or even heavy heavy like) sex with their boyfriend is wonderful and often craved. Not only does it FEEL great, but it's also a form of CLOSENESS. And you want to experience that with the person you're so crazy about. But for MEN, part of the "allure" of sex is the excitement of it being new, being able to get it, trying different locations, positions, activities, etc. But after a while, that begins to die down and we settle into enjoying what a relationship is REALLY about. Quality time, having fun, cuddling, going out, doing couply activities, etc. The sex will still be there, but it's not as high on the "priority list" anymore. As crappy as it sounds, he KNOWS he's able to **** you. You're his girlfriend. So it's not as big of a turn on as it was when you were new. (Again, I'm not trying to be an ass by ANY means, but look at my screen names. I will keep it honest at all times.)

 

Now, this whole "You smell different now" thing sounds kinda suspect. I mean, *IF* you do, maybe go to the doctor and...look, I don't know anything about what makes a female smell a certain way down there, so I can't really advise you there. But look into it and see if this is genuine or BS on his part. It could just be an excuse though.

 

Paragraph 3, The vacation: I'm not sure why you holding a bottle of water would annoy him. There was likely some underlying thing there that you weren't aware of. Because him getting mad at you over that is just silly. Same thing with the phone. Dude needs to calm his ass down. It's not that serious. Though I will say he keeps doing it because you ALLOW it. Instead of crying when he says these things, you need to stand up and say "Hold on. Who the hell are you talking to like that? I know you're annoyed but you need to chill with the attitude. I'm not snapping at you for all the stupid things YOU'VE done, so you're not about to do it to me. If you have an issue, discuss it with me. Don't snap at me." Have a backbone with him, rather than always being so sensitive and docile. He treats you that way because he can. Show him that he can't.

 

Paragraph 4, His criticisms and you not being able to talk to him: The solution to this problem is simple. Switch up your behavior. Completely baffle him. Don't try to have conversations with him (even though you should be ABLE to, stop anyway). Be very CASUAL around him. Don't be loving, don't be affectionate, don't nag, don't do ANYTHING. (Hell, give him high fives if you want to.) Also, start going OUT more. It can be anywhere. A night on the town, sleepover at your girlfriends, stay at your parents' place for several days on end, no unnecessary texting him, etc. REALLY CHANGE on him. And if he ASKS you about it, act like you have no idea what he's talking about. Seriously. "What are you talking about? Stop exaggerating." If he persists, tell him to stop being a baby. You don't have to spend every moment with him. (Even if you HATE to act like this because you feel the opposite, TRY it.) If he says "Fine then" or cops an attitude, don't budge. Don't apologize. Act like it's no big deal even if HE starts doing it (becoming distant). He WILL eventually ask you again what the heck has gotten into you. If he DOESN'T, he DOES NOT LOVE YOU and DOES NOT CARE. Which should tell you something. He already treats you poorly in some ways. Why is he a guy you want to continue dating without some improvement? Try my tactic. If you need step by step help, just come back to the thread and update us. We'll walk you through it.

 

As for his criticisms, don't let him disrespect you like that! Next time he calls you a name, say "Oh I KNOW YOU aren't talking, Mr.....(followed by some comment about the way he is or something stupid he's done). You have NO room to talk." Or, PLAY with him when he calls you slow. Say "What can I say? It's the lack of sex. Your d*** gives me energy." You know? Be flirty. Don't just be the "boring, long term girlfriend." Know what I mean?

 

Paragraph 5, the BIG one lol: It sounds like his interest in you and this relationship is waning. He could even have sex with someone while on this trip. (Though don't go getting paranoid just because I said that.) The problem here seems to be that he has his own life and interests, while most of YOUR life revolves around HIM. That's an issue. Truth be told, you should have found out for CERTAIN (during your finals) if you guys were gonna do anything together during your break, or if you should make other plans instead. (Not that you should HAVE to, since, what type of sorry a** boyfriend only tells you about his ski trip AFTER you ask him if YOU two can do something? Yeah. Pretty s**tty of him.)

 

He is by NO MEANS a great boyfriend. And yes, I could spend this whole reply downing him, but that won't help. What I'm doing instead is telling you what YOU can do, to fix it. Or try to make things better. (Assuming you even still want to BE with this guy.) You must change YOUR behavior if he won't change HIS. (And if you ever want HOPE of him changing his.) Which is why I'm giving you the advice I've given. Read it over, and begin the change. He'll notice it if you keep it up. Trust me. Then, keep US updated.

I'll answer in the same order you did.

1&2 I totally get the whole sex thing, which is what I mentioned in my first post as well. And obviously I don't expect him to be all over me all the time, because I also enjoy just cuddling and things like that. But if it's been a week or longer, and I either make a move or give him a hint that I'm in the mood, and he turns me down saying he's tired or just wants to watch the movie/Netflix, then that just hurts at makes me question myself. Also, sometimes he'll say something like "let's do it now" of "before dinner" so that he can make sure we do it, because when it gets too late he might be too tired (is it clear what I'm trying to say?). Anyway, am I supposed to interpret that as "let's get it over with" or "let's have sex now, so we'll have done it and you can't complain about not doing it enough"? I don't know, honestly I think he's just a bit selfish when it comes to sex, like it only matters when HE wants it. Because if it's the other way around, and he's in the mood and I'm not (very rare situation; and in the past I would still try to get in the mood, but lately I just don't bother anymore because he doesn't either), he'll keep trying and making moves; while if he's not in the mood, it's a clear and definite no, no negotiations.

Also; I'm curious about this. Do guys usually enjoy pleasuring their girlfriend, while they're not receiving? I mean, fingering or giving oral while you're not getting anything and seeing her enjoy it, does that 'do anything for you'? Because I honestly enjoy knowing I'm giving him pleasure and seeing him enjoy it. But whenever he is doing the handwork, I feel like it doesn't really do anything for him? Like he's just waiting until we get to 'the good part'?

Anyway, regarding the different smell; I should have mentioned that I got a copper IUD around the time we became official, so almost a year ago. One of the side effects is that it can smell a bit like copper down there, and one of the times we talked about it he said that maybe it was that... Although I myself haven't really noticed any difference, so I think it's just an excuse.

3 Regarding the vacation, I never understood why either... I think it was rather the fact that I had my handbag an my trolley as well, and he thought I looked clumsy holding all those things? But it doesn't bother me and I'm fine with it, why should HE snap at me for that? He probably got annoyed because he'd told me a few times to put it away, but why should he tell me what to do if it doesn't affect him at all?

4 Does this approach actually work? It seems a bit passive-aggressive to me... If it were the other way around, I would want my boyfriend to talk to me and honestly tell me what's bothering him, instead of avoiding confrontation and shutting him out. I can already imagine him asking, "why didn't you just tell me what was wrong?". Although I must say that lately I kind of have been doing this, but not deliberate. Just the way he is behaving lately has made me a bit indifferent, so I have been less loving, more quiet, ... Although it wasn't to provoke anything from him, it was just the way I felt.

And regarding the criticism, I have given 'playful' responses in the past. But usually he won't literally say "you're slow", but when we're doing something, he'll just rush me and say something like "yeah, you can go now, or do that now, no need to wait". Like when we're leaving the apartment and stepping outside (to the street) and I'll hesitate for a second to check if it's raining or something (so I can put my hood on before I actually step outside, and don't get my hair wet or something), and he'll say "yeah you can go" in a kind of condescending way? If you understand what I'm saying? Usually I'll say something like, "yeah good that you stepped outside a second faster, we'll totally arrive faster now, sorry to keep you waiting". But I have also been serious about it and said it annoys me, but he just continues doing it.

Or another thing that is extremely annoying as well: I lose hair, obviously, like all females do. I might lose a bit more than average (although not sure what average is? I mean, it's not like the floor is full of hair). But he keeps commenting and wining about it... like he'll say "ugh your hair is everywhere again", like I can do something about it. And he keeps saying it. Or he'll come in, not say anything, but start picking the hairs off the floor right in front of me. Or when I'm doing my make-up (in the spare room or living room because there's better lighting there), he already asks me "where are you going to do/comb your hair?" to make sure I don't do it in there, but in the bathroom. I mean, if he wants us to spend our lives together, he'll have to get used to my hair... It's not going anywhere... And I've told him that I'm not planning on hearing those comments for the rest of my life as nothing's really going to change.

5 It does seem like his interest is fading, but I just don't completely understand... Because I'm trying to keep the relationship fun and exciting, but he's the reason it's becoming routine or less interesting. I'm not really worried about him cheating on me on this particular trip (his best friend is there with him, who also has a girlfriend and is really against cheating, he would never allow him to do something like that and stop him if something was about to happen). But that's not really the point. And the thing is, I do have my own life and interests, and my own things going on, but I just make HIM a priority, which doesn't seem to be mutual. I remember him saying he wasn't really interested in going on separate vacations (so without me, with his friends) anymore, and wanted to have all his trips with me. This didn't come from me, I'd never ask him not go away with his friends. But with his ex-girlfriend, they used to go on a lot of separate vacations with their own friends, and he said he didn't like that, so he wanted things to be different with us. (Sidenote; he broke up with his ex-girlfriend, in case you were wondering).

What happened is that I actually did know a long time in advance that he was going skiing now, because they booked it months in advance. But when I asked him (before finals even started) if we could do something during my free week (which was the first week of februari), he always said something like, yes we can do something, we'll see... I thought it would be something spontaneous, but I was assuming he would at least want to do something (like a one or two day trip, somewhere really close), because he never told me no. I didn't think that him going on his trip would have any influence on a trip we were to take two weeks before that. His best friend lives in London, and he (my bf) even said that his friend had told him we could go to London in februari, either to visit him, or to 'borrow' his apartment (he comes back home to Belgium most weekends because his girlfriend lives here). So we could go on the weekend and have the place to ourselves. So by all of this I understood that we would at least do SOMETHING. I didn't really push because I thought it could be spontaneous (in the past we took a short two day trip to Germany, and even though we had been talking about it and planning it for over a month, we only booked the hotel and everything the morning we left, so I thought it would be something like that again). I had made it clear that I wanted to spend my free week with him, but apparently he wasn't actually planning on doing something, but just said "yeah we'll see, we'll see". Then, DURING finals (it was still end of december/beginning of january), when I was at his place (and his parents had even asked whether we were going to do something fun for my free week), I asked him if he'd thought about what he wanted to do or where he wanted to go during this week. Then all of a sudden he says, well I can't do anything during that week, because I'm already going on a ski trip the end of that month, and I can't make two trips in one month, because I don't have enough money for that and because I probably won't get time off work, and even if I do, I don't want to spend so many of my free days in february already, I want to save them for the rest of the year (even though he has more than enough free days every year, but okay). The thing is that, even though I had known about his trip for a long time, it never occurred to me that that would be a reason not to make a trip with ME during that same month. Whenever I asked him about a trip during my free week he already knew when his trip was going to be (and was even already booked I think, not sure), so why did he never tell me any of this back then? Only when I asked him during my finals, because it was getting closer, then he told me that he couldn't go. By the time I found out about this, I could've still planned a trip without him, but I was focused on my finals and didn't want to waste time researching planes, destinations, etc. Plus, by that time, most of my friends had already booked trips, so I wouldn't even have anyone to go with.

And then, after he had told me for certain that he wouldn't go on a trip with me, he told me that he would be making another trip in april/may with his friends to Dubai. First he tells me he wants to spend all his vacations with me, then he goes ahead and plans TWO trips without me, and REFUSES the one trip I ask him to make with me? And it's not like he is intentionally excluding me and saying I can't go, because he always says "next year we'll go skiing together". The thing is that I just can't miss classes during the semester, so I'm not able to make a trip anytime other than the one free week I have (and summer).

I hope this cleared up a few things. I appreciate the advice you're giving me, but are you sure it's the right way to go? You're saying I shouldn't say anything about what I'm feeling right now and just change my behaviour? In the end, won't I be the bad guy who made everything worse by not telling him how I feel and distancing myself from him? And how long would I have to keep this up? Because I know he'd notice, but I'm afraid that when I eventually tell him what's wrong, he'll just find it childish that I didn't tell him right away how I felt. And if he asks me why I didn't, what am I supposed to say? That I was trying to make a point? Would this tactic work on you?

No, I personally would not recommend you say nothing and try to change yourself for a guy like this. Bad idea.

Look, when someone has lost interest it doesn't matter much what you do anymore. You can try all the ways in the world to make things fun and exciting, but if the other person isn't meeting you half-way in terms of effort and interest, it's a waste of time.

I feel bad for you, as I have dated guys like this who were just biding their time until they found someone else. That is what I think is happening here. He's not a good boyfriend and he gets annoyed with you all the time because deep down, he's already checked out. That's what happens when someone doesn't truly want the relationship anymore but hasn't yet worked up the motivation to end it.

Good relationships don't require this much analyzing and strategic-planning to keep the person around. It happens organically because both people want it, and when rough times come up (as they always do) both parties need to be working toward to the same goal of keeping the relationship alive and healthy.

This isn't the guy you are going to spend the rest of your life with, OP. He is not worth your tears and pain.

No, I personally would not recommend you say nothing and try to change yourself for a guy like this. Bad idea.

 

Look, when someone has lost interest it doesn't matter much what you do anymore. You can try all the ways in the world to make things fun and exciting, but if the other person isn't meeting you half-way in terms of effort and interest, it's a waste of time.

 

I feel bad for you, as I have dated guys like this who were just biding their time until they found someone else. That is what I think is happening here. He's not a good boyfriend and he gets annoyed with you all the time because deep down, he's already checked out. That's what happens when someone doesn't truly want the relationship anymore but hasn't yet worked up the motivation to end it.

 

Good relationships don't require this much analyzing and strategic-planning to keep the person around. It happens organically because both people want it, and when rough times come up (as they always do) both parties need to be working toward to the same goal of keeping the relationship alive and healthy.

 

This isn't the guy you are going to spend the rest of your life with, OP. He is not worth your tears and pain.

Exactly, it seems like a bad idea to me too.

All of that makes sense. That is what happened with his ex-girlfriend too. He started realizing he didn't love her anymore or didn't want to spend his life with her, yet still it took SO long until he finally cut the cord and broke up with her. Maybe he's just the kind of person who goes from girlfriend to girlfriend and doesn't want to break up until he has found someone else because he doesn't want to be alone?

And I totally agree with you... there shouldn't be so much analyzing and complication, it should be easy and natural. And it used to be like that, I don't even really understand where it went wrong.

Also, a thing that happened a few months ago. My boyfriend isn't much of a social media person, he deleted his facebook and he has instagram, but just looks at other people's posts but doesn't post much himself. In december, around the week after his birthday I believe, all of a sudden he randomly wanted to make an instagram story of me or us (don't remember exactly) while before that he never did that. Later that day I see he gets a text from his sister and ask what it's about. He says don't open it (it was on WhatsApp and he didn't want her to see he opened it yet), and made something up. Then a few moments later he says what it's really about; he asked his sister if his ex girlfriend was mad at him, because last year she had still wished him a happy birthday (that was around a month after they broke up, and we obviously we're not dating yet), but this year she hadn't (she knows he is dating me now). So I connected the pieces in my head and asked him if that was the reason he'd suddenly wanted to post things on instagram. His response was "no, it's just that if that's the way things are, then I don't have to try not to 'flaunt my new love' in front of her". So he was saying that he didn't want to post anything in the past, not to hurt her feelings. Which is considerate to her, but what about my feelings? And also, why should he care if she is mad at him or not? They don't speak or see each other anymore, so what difference would that make? It made me a bit upset and I made that clear to him, but he didn't want to get into it, so eventually we let it go.

Honestly, before my original post I thought there were just minor things that bothered me or hurt me, but writing everything out and thinking about everything is really opening my eyes... I keep finding more and more signals that this isn't a relationship I should be in.

I feel like I just needed to put everything in perspective, both for the people here, and for myself.

 

You are right, as long as I keep accepting his behaviour, nothing will change. I do still care for him, so I will try to talk to him one more time and let him know that I'm serious. Maybe he'll understand how I'm feeling and take it serious. If I didn't at least try to resolve, I know I wouldn't be able to let go of it in my head.

 

Thank you. This has really helped me a lot.

Men don't respond to "talking." They respond to "no contact."

For many men, especially those like your BF, your talking goes in one ear and out the other.

Agree with TwT, pack up your things and leave.

Your absence will say much more than any words would.

Your leaving will also allow him space and time to think, experience the loss of losing you (or not.)

There is no need to spell this out for him; he's not stupid, he will know why you left.