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Still going back to his ex wifes .


sweetgirl11

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Hi everyone, this is my first post would appreciate some advice.

 

I separated from my husband of 22 years about 7 years ago, i started volunteering to broaden my horizons meet new people etc, i met a guy on the net who was a volunteer also and we seemed to hit it off, he was married at that time but miserable like me, his wife he felt had done him a great injustice by posting on a site like this about how she felt about a guy she had known many years ago in her youth, she fantasized about him and he felt betrayed and although there is a lot more to tell, he eventually realized their marriage was over. His wife never knew that he was actually talking to her and drawing out information of her feelings toward the other guy, they shared the same email account at the time and she didn't delete history and this is how he found out about it all. We started our relationship just talking to each other sharing thoughts and feelings about our marriages etc, when we met we hit it off and 5 years on we have set up home together and we are in love more than ever before, the sex is amazing and constant, we share knew things together and he says he has never felt this way about his wife and i about my husband, i loved my ex but not like i love this man, he says he has never had feelings of deep love for his ex either it was love but not on this scale.

 

The problem is this, i find my new man often goes back to the ex to help out with things in the house, mainly jobs she cannot do, the roof a washing machine needs fixing etc. I am not an unkind person but this woman made it clear thru their divorce she was having the house, she was actually very cruel to him in saying he had never contributed, she is a higher earner than him and what she put in financially he upped it with manual labor, he built the extension she wanted replaced things windows etc made the house what it is today, he did everything cars, cleaning upkeep etc. So for him to leave the house with a small amount of cash seemed unfair but they had an agreement that the house would always go to their only child, she is 25 and still lives at home, i have no issue with this even though it meant we could not start again as we had no cash etc, and also that was their business so that was up to them, i love him and said if he came to me with nothing then so be it, i have no financial interest in him.

 

Lately though i have found him lying about being at the ex wifes home. He knows i am not keen on him being there to do jobs, garden etc but i understand that he feels he is doing this for his daughter more than her, i am rather annoyed as she earns a lot of money and feel she could pay someone to do the stuff, but she is having her cake and eating i feel. He justifies it by saying he is doing it for the daughter as one day the house will be hers. A few weeks ago i found out he was there fixing the roof and a tumble dryer, i was livid as he said he was not, it was only when i confronted him over it he admitted that yes he went to do these things but knows how i feel so hid it from me, i am not happy about him helping them but i will accept it, i have never made a big fuss just calmly told him how i feel, the fact that he is lying to me is what hurts, he promised he would never do this again.(lie to me)

 

Recently i have discovered he is now planning to fit a new bathroom for them, he has been getting the stuff and making trips there, i have known his whereabouts at all times as he speaks to his daughter via messenger, i have access to this with his permission, he deletes the messages immediately as he obv does not want me to see what is going on, i went past the house the other week and saw his wife was off work and he was there also but when i asked him he says she must have gone out as she was not there in the afternoon. It all makes me very uneasy. i have brought up the subject of him doing jobs there and said well if you need to its ok by me, i just want to know thats all, it his hiding it from me that makes me upset. when i know he is working there and making lists of materials etc and just lies to my face pretending he knows nothing about anything there and i know he does it makes my blood boil. His wife treated him so awfully over the years i just don't see why he wants to help her all the time. There divorce is almost through and i know that the house is hers and then is will go to her daughter, there is no claim on anything for him, pensions etc. This is ok with me. He says he feels trapped into helping them out as the house will one day go to his daughter , but she may leave in a couple of years and i fear he will still be making trips to this house even when the wife is on her own. i am not really worried that he wants the relationship back with the wife, id say im 99% sure its just to keep the house maintained, but whilst the ex has the house and the work being done for free we are living in a rented accommodation so it does grate on me a little, i try to keep things light and easy but his lying is beginning to really wear me down, he says he is worried of my reaction if he tells me but Ive given his so many opportunity's to tell me his is going there i just don't understand why he lies? I guess my biggest fear is if he can lie so easily about this he could lie about other things.

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He told you why he lies. He lies because you get annoyed, and it causes conflict. You know, your relationship started before his had ended, as well as yours.

 

"He knows i am not keen on him being there to do jobs, garden etc but i understand that he feels he is doing this for his daughter more than her, i am rather annoyed as she earns a lot of money and feel she could pay someone to do the stuff,"

 

I think this is a byproduct of overlapping relationships (your marriages and your relationships). Time and time again I see it here on ENA and in life, the conflict between the new woman and the ex-wife when there is an overlap in timing like this. And the pattern with him is similar, he avoided the conflict of leaving his wife, divorcing, and healing all that before getting started in an emotional affair with you, and now he avoids conflict with you and while avoiding conflict with his wife and daughter. It's very tricky territory, as you can see.

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I agree with journeynow. You have told him over and over you do not like him working on the house. You do not want him over there. You don't want him spending his time and money over there. So he's going to lie to you when he works on the house. It's what he wants to do for his daughter. You keep saying that you have no issue with him doing these things, then you say you're livid when you find out he's lying to you because he's working on the house. Well, you've told him you don't want him over there, but you've also told him you don't mind him doing things for his daughter. What is he suppose to do to keep you happy?

 

Then you're hinting he might be having an emotional or physical affair with his ex-wife even though they're in a bitter divorce battle.

 

Look, you're going to drive him away with your jealousy!

 

Do you want to know what to do? Do not make him lie to you. Stop complaining about the house. Don't mention the house. Don't mention the ex-wife. These are all off-limits! They precede your relationship. Don't mention them and suddenly your relationship will suddenly become happy again. Maybe you can even show an interest in what he's doing. How's the house going? you could ask. Go see his work. Compliment him on his work. Maybe get him to do something similar in your house. A guy likes to know that his significant other supports what he's doing. The worst thing you can do is what you're doing now. Give the guy some support.

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I took your wording "now we're 5 years on" to mean that you guys have been together for 5 years...if that's the case, you should be more than comfortable enough to assert your boundaries.

 

I would not continue being in a relationship with someone who insists on being so involved with an ex-wife, and I believe there are many women who would say the same. You've told him how you felt, and instead of respecting your feelings, he chose to lie to you. That's not your fault (As I feel some of the other posters have made it seem), that was HIS decision to lie. The LAST thing you should do to ease your partner's insecurities is lie.

 

At the end of the day, you cannot control his actions, but you can choose to walk away from a man who does not respect your boundaries or feelings. You should at least be 100% clear with him about whether or not you're willing to tolerate this. If you choose to tolerate it, then you give up the right to continue complaining about it. If you choose not to tolerate it, then you need to stand by your word and leave.

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I took your wording "now we're 5 years on" to mean that you guys have been together for 5 years...if that's the case, you should be more than comfortable enough to assert your boundaries.

 

I would not continue being in a relationship with someone who insists on being so involved with an ex-wife, and I believe there are many women who would say the same. You've told him how you felt, and instead of respecting your feelings, he chose to lie to you. That's not your fault (As I feel some of the other posters have made it seem), that was HIS decision to lie. The LAST thing you should do to ease your partner's insecurities is lie.

 

At the end of the day, you cannot control his actions, but you can choose to walk away from a man who does not respect your boundaries or feelings. You should at least be 100% clear with him about whether or not you're willing to tolerate this. If you choose to tolerate it, then you give up the right to continue complaining about it. If you choose not to tolerate it, then you need to stand by your word and leave.

 

Yes. This! 100%.

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Omg I almost had a heart attack thinking my account got hijacked!

Another sweetgirl....... Lol

* puts heart back in chest lol*

 

How old is his daughter? Maybe that's why he does so much, to be a good dad and keep her in a nice place.

If that's the case, that it's more for his daughter then the wife, I'd stop nagging him.

Maybe it's because he wants to keep the peace too, so that he can see his daughter, and show her that mom and dad can be civil and help and respect one another even though they split.

If it were just his ex there, and he was this invested in helping, with no financial gain for himself, it would be questionable.

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he became ill a few months into the divorce and the ex put it on hold, for whatever reason i do not know. He told her to start it up again a while ago now he is better, the only reason i can think she put it on hold was incase he did not pull through and as they where still legally married i guess she would have inherited the house pension etc, i do not know this for sure but these are my only reasons for her postponing it.

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Hi Dan, i do show an interest as i like to know whats going on there, its just such a tricky subject, the only issue i have really is the secrecy, i have always said from day one i wouldnt mind if he did things there as he is very handy etc, i wouldnt expect them to sit struggling if say the roof leaked when he could so easily do the repair, but its the lying to me about being there that i find hurtful and makes me distrustful. I would never be allowed to see any work he has done as if we go to visit his freind in the same road he park us well out of site, i understand that i guess as he does not want to rub her face in it so to speak. I feel uneasy about the lying which is the real problem.

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He says he is trapped there and feel dutybound to help them, as the house he feels is his daughters inheritance and it is upto him to keep it well maintained, i guess i am resentful as he walked away with a meager amount of cash, whilst his wife kept everything and now he is in my eyes doing the house up, it was his choice to leave and i felt he was morally doing a good thing by not taking the house from them, i was happy with this and felt it was the right thing to do for him. he says he feels the house has now become a poison chalice. Again i must stress it is the secrecy about it all that makes me uneasy and feel suspicious also.

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  • 2 weeks later...
His wife never knew that he was actually talking to her and drawing out information of her feelings toward the other guy

We started our relationship just talking to each other sharing thoughts and feelings about our marriages etc

 

Wonderful as he may be, this guy has a bit of a history of being underhand and sneaky.

 

Why didn't he confront his wife directly if he felt troubled by her actions? Why didn't he share his thoughts and feelings with his wife - where they might actually be dealt with! - rather than sharing them with you? He was having an emotional affair with you when he was still married and was not prepared to be open and honest about the situation to his wife. He is someone who prefers to avoid potential conflict by creeping around in the shadows, keeping aspects of his life secret and being economical with the truth.

 

So, in a way, this doesn't really come as a surprise:

Lately though i have found him lying about being at the ex wife's home

 

It sounds as though he's been telling you who he is from Day One, but you didn't recognise it because you were the confidante. It feels very different when you're the one on the receiving end of the little lies and sneakiness.

 

This is who your guy is. Either you need to accept that there will always be a chunk of his emotional life which you aren't party to, but he wants to be with you nevertheless and put it on the back burner, OR accept that this is an incompatibility which you can't cope with and the growing feelings of distrust make you uneasy in the relationship.

 

There's no way you can change him or control his actions, but you do need to be honest with yourself about what you can and cannot cope with - and handle things accordingly.

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Thanks for the reply, i am seriously thinking of ending the relationship as i feel i cannot commit to a lifetime of him being there at the ex wifes house, even when his daughter leaves home he will still feel duty bound to maintain the house which he says is for her eventually, he has lied on so many occasions to me and justify s it by saying he is protecting me as he knows how i feel but i have given him so many opportunities to be open and honest and encouraged him to help them so his lying only makes me more uneasy. I have tried very hard to cope with it understand it etc and realize he is good person helping them when needed, but this growing secrecy with him makes it worse, skulking around in the shadows is a good term to use and that's how ifeel about him being there sometimes. I feel to people reading this i am a contradition as i encourage him to help them yet dont like it, i am trying to do the right thing by everyone, its the secrecy that is making me nervous about him.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you are still talking about your respective unhappy marriages. When people enter affairs, it's often mutual complaining about their spouses, marriages, etc. so whatever bad stories he told you about her then were exaggerated. Sadly he's still going to his former home and acting like a family man with his estranged wife. If you want this to survive, you'll both have to make the shift from affair partners complaining about each others spouses to acting like a cohesive couple.

We started our relationship just talking to each other sharing thoughts and feelings about our marriages etc,
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You started this relationship as an affair, and I agree with nutbrown that he was the same with his wife, while you were the confidante, and now he's doing the same thing with you...sneaking, and this is how he is. I don't know if this can be changed. It seems he's one to always compartmentalize certain parts of him, and it is who he is. It comes across as lying, and breeds mistrust, and probably even more so due to how you two came about. I also agree that if you choose that you're okay with him spending so much time on the house, you also forfeit your right to complain about it. Frankly, the situation would bother me quite a bit. He is no longer the homeowner, and his wife apparently makes enough money, she can hire professionals to deal with repairs. If she's responsible and wants to keep the house in good order, especially for her daughter, it will be done. I think it would be fine if she wants assistance with her exhusband to assist with consultations or what the issue is, as it never hurts to have a knowledgeable person to help with matters such as this, but the work and the money can be hired out. Or she can pay him. Maybe he works for free, but is she paying for the supplies?

 

Honestly, I don't understand why he is so invested in this house he doesn't own anymore. She wanted the house, she got the house, apparently she can afford the house, and as such, she can maintain the house. If it's too much house for her, too much work, too many repairs, then the obvious solution is to sell it. Part of that money could go into an account for the daughter's future. What is the importance of this house that it has to be willed out to her?

 

Is the wife kind of keeping him hostage using the daughter/house inheritance to keep him around? His daughter is 25 years old, and she is certainly old enough to have a relationship with her father on her own, without her mother's permission. Is the ex manipulating the daughter, that if he doesn't do these things, the daughter is shunning him? What's their relationship? That could be hard on your boyfriend, having his child disparage him due to the mother's words and behaviors and he has to jump through the mother's hoops to maintain his relationship with his child...yes it happens.

 

The whole situation is strange. I don't know that I would want to keep it. He's great in many ways, okay, but is this enough? The guy is hostage to this house for some reason.

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. It seems he's one to always compartmentalize certain parts of him, and it is who he is.

 

Yes this is true, i always get the feeling he has a justification for his actions, he knows i do not like him going there hanging around there even though he says the ex is at work, but always he says his is dutybound because of his daughter, i have pointed out the fact to him that even when the daughter moves on to her own place, he will prob still be going there to maintain the house for his wife/daughter.

 

you are correct about me forfeiting the right to show my feelings, it is very difficult to say nothing when he returns.

 

I do no think the ex is using the daughter as a hostage so to speak but she can be a very cruel woman as he has told me in the past of her actions. It is becoming increasingly hard to deal with, Do i want a future with the wife constantly in it if she needs help with house issues? i feel not.

 

He's great in many ways, okay, but is this enough?

 

It is feeling lately that no this is not enough, he came home from there yesterday after finishing a job, i was so uneasy inside about it even though to make his life easier i am giving him my consent to try and make things calm and trying to understand but deep down i just want him to cut ties with the house thing.

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You met at the worst time in his marriage and people who cheat often demonize their partners to justify things. He's still married and still acting married. It's like you never made the upgrade from affair partner in his mind. Obviously whatever he told you is not true about her otherwise he wouldn't volunteer to be there constantly. This is just a twist on the married cheater's "staying together for the kids" line.

she can be a very cruel woman as he has told me in the past of her actions.
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You met at the worst time in his marriage and people who cheat often demonize their partners to justify things. He's still married and still acting married. It's like you never made the upgrade from affair partner in his mind. Obviously whatever he told you is not true about her otherwise he wouldn't volunteer to be there constantly. This is just a twist on the married cheater's "staying together for the kids" line.

 

This ^^^. Looking back through these posts, it seems that the house is actually an excuse to maintain his contact with his ex-wife. As you say, if necessary she could pay for the work to be done herself. They BOTH choose to use it as an ongoing means of staying in contact, and neither is likely to be giving it up anytime soon. I'd also be sceptical about his ex's supposed cruelty, too. If it were that bad, why's he having anything to do with her...? And really, don't pay too much attention to the justification that he's doing it for the daughter....

 

He has two women in his life, and will continue to do so for as long as you stick around. Even if he 'walked away' with a meagre amount of money, that doesn't matter because you're there to support him and help him maintain the status quo. If you're content with that, then carry on. If not, then you need to accept that this situation is unlikely to change; and also you need to accept that by choosing to stay with him, you are ensuring that you won't find a partner who can genuinely commit to you - and you alone.

 

I get that you want to make his life easier, and it's easy to tell yourself that there's a dignity in that. You also need to realise that 'keeping things calm', and being the 'reasonable' one, whilst you're being walked all over, is a way of avoiding the reality of what's happening to you emotionally; I was in a situation in my 20's when I was involved with a guy who had been separated from his wife for about three years, but it became apparent that the bonds were still there for a variety of reasons and there was no way he was going to be genuinely available to me for the foreseeable future. In the end I told him that I understood his situation, respected his decisions and wished him well - but I needed to get on with MY life and this couldn't be part of it. No unpleasantness at all.

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