Boyfriend says he doesn't deal with drunk, dumb women

So to start this off, I've been dating my boyfriend now for about 8 months. Today was a bad day for us, I had 2 glasses of wine to drink while watching the season finale of handmaids tale. I didn't know it would get me so buzzed but it did. Although I wasn't drunk, I could still speak normally and think normally. But I did have a spinning sensation. I went to my room after the spinning started and asked my SO to help me make it to the bathtub. He declined. Stating over text "You're Ok, you're safe. Get some sleep."

I was not ok though, I replied calling him out on the fact that when he was drunk I had watched after him, amongst other things. The moment that this happened to me he was quick to abandon me in my time of need. Because of him not helping me I fell in the tub. Embarrassing but it is what it is. I woke up the next day fine, no hang over. Cooked. Cleaned. Usually routine. Although this feeling hung heavily over me as though I had been abandoned. I felt unloved. I brought it up with him and he immediately got defensive, he told me that I was rude to him. I asked him to point out examples but he could name none. Eventually he said something about my comment of him not helping me in my time of need, but I wouldn't call that rude. Apparently there was much more things that I said but I don't recall. I was all there... keep in mind, my SO has schizophrenia so I feel like he may have heard me say things that I didn't actually say because I've never been a rude buzzed person. Or even rude drunk person. This was too shocking to believe. He then stated "I don't deal with dumb, drunk women." You made your bed, now lie in it. As I cried, heavily I might add. He went to his room, shut and locked the door. I feel like he doesn't care about me. I really do. Any thoughts or advice on this situation?

Also SO[25], I am[22].

This situation does not sound healthy for either of you. Was it a one off that you got tipsy/drunk? Or does that happen more frequently? I know that if a guy I am with drinks too much, it's a real turn off. Playing nurse-maid to a drunk is not what anybody typically signs up to do :) But the comment your bf made was mean spirited. And of course that would hurt. Yet I also am not sure he owed you assistance if you chose to drink too much (yes I know it can sneak up on a person... Been there done that). The whole interaction just sounds unloving and rather immature. And if he has such a serious condition, is he capable of being a good partner to anyone? What about you? In what ways is he a good partner? Just throwing some ideas to think on.

Get rid of him. Very concerning. It won't get better.

Get rid of him. Very concerning. It won't get better.

I agree with this. You can't fix mean. And your bf was.

Oh no drinking is not a regular thing for me. I rarely ever do it and have not been tipsy/drunk since I much younger. It really did sneak up on me and I was quite embarrassed but this is the first time it has happened in my 8 month relationship. For him him happens at least every other week and I am basically his live in nurse.

I do laundry, cleaning, cooking, and anything else that needs to be done. I just felt that seeing that I do so much for him, out of Love, that he should do the same but that was not the case.

A few things here. Sounds like a codependent relationship if 8 mths in you are doing that much for someone with a mental health issue...but not just that you're doing it, but that you show the classic signs of saying "Look what I do for this person who turns around and abuses me". Like that is textbook codependency right there. You have to start wondering what a supposedly healthy 22 yr old person is doing in a relationship with someone who requires that much daily care...

But to the details of your argument.

1) It sounds like you might have been a bit immature when you were drunk, it isn't uncommon for people to get carried away under the influence. I think it's unreasonable to say that it's because of him that you fell in the tub - did he push you? Did he spike your drink?

And then to equate this to abandonment in a 'time of need'. How dramatic. Where is the accountability for your actions that led you into this situation, and the responsibility that you would ordinarily have for yourself if he wasn't present?

2) What he said was uncalled for and extremely derogatory. I wouldn't want to be with someone who spoke like that under any circumstances. Maybe you have acted in a way that has set him off, but he has crossed the line with that comment.

However, in terms of defensiveness, I can see why he felt he was being manipulated. If you are trying to get him to show that he cares about you, you are going the wrong way about it by demanding that he nurse you after 2 glasses of wine and then sulking about it when he doesn't.

Either way, I don't see this relationship turning out particularly well if it's erupted in verbal abuse 8 mths in.

Has he really been diagnosed with schizophrenia? Girl, what are you doing with this guy? There are lots of normal, loving guys out there. You're too young to settle for someone who doesn't love you and is turning you into a slave.

This doesn't seem healthy to me. You said you texted each other, but weren't you two together when it happened?

Even though he didn't have the obligation to take care of your drunk self (which seemed not so drunk, maybe just a bit tipsy and maybe you hadn't eaten before and so the wine had more effect?), his answers were childish and rude.

And why at 8 months you're his live in nurse? Is he diagnosed and medicated? It doesn't seem healthy to me at this early stage of the relationship you acting like his nurse, instead of his girlfriend like it should be. You have no obligation in being his nurse and attending to his needs... there are professionals for that or family members. That's not your role. What do you see in this relationship? It seems just too much and too much codependency on both sides.

Sorry to hear this but you need to take responsibility for yourself. Stop playing mother to him and then expecting him to do whatever you want. You fell in the tub because you drank and should have gone to bed, rather than try to manipulate him. Get to a doctor and get a check up for your lightheaded episode as well as help with drinking to this excess. Don't blame his mental illness for your own lack of recall due to drinking. Unfortunately, even though it was a rude comment, he doesn't have to deal with someone who's drunk.

I've been dating my boyfriend now for about 8 months. Because of him not helping me I fell in the tub. as though I had been abandoned. I felt unloved. my SO has schizophrenia so I feel like he may have heard me say things that I didn't actually say

I think you both over reacted. Never get in any form of water when you are intoxicated . Ever. Any shower or bath can wait till the next day .

Other than that I think his comment was mean . Watch out when people are intentionally mean.

I think you both over reacted. Never get in any form of water when you are intoxicated . Ever. Any shower or bath can wait till the next day .

 

Other than that I think his comment was mean . Watch out when people are intentionally mean.

I agree with this. I would never help my SO take a bath if they were drunk - too high of a risk.

I think his reaction reflects something much deeper and possibly more detrimental going on in your relationship than this one particular incident.

Agree his comment was insensitive and mean, but come on OP, you felt "abandoned" when he refused to help you in the bathtub when you were drunk? A bit of an over-reaction to say the least.

Not accusing you, but just wondering if you have a pattern of such over-reactions, which prompted him saying what he did. Over-reactions like that get very old, very fast. Again, not accusing, just asking, something to consider.

As to him not helping you, you should not even be taking a bath when drunk, that's how people drown for heaven's sake, think Whitney Houston and many other people.

His initial response was you'll be fine, get some sleep. Which you should have done, NOT proceeded to get into the bathtub, and then get angry when he wouldn't help you.

Re his schizophrenia, has he been diagnosed properly by a medical doctor, a psychiatrist? Is he on medication? This is one of the most serious and dangerous mental illnesses out there.

Most people with this disease are incapable of any sort of social interaction, let alone being in a relationship. With or without meds.

And you said he also drinks? If he's on meds, which I imagine he is otherwise he wouldn't be able to function, the meds with alcohol can kill you.

I'm sorry perhaps I missed something, but something isn't jiving.

Depends on the type of schizophrenia folks not all schizophrenia is the same .

Depends on the type of schizophrenia folks not all schizophrenia is the same .

Fair enough but there are only two types of schizophrenia -- bipolar and depressive -- and they are both very serious that require strong meds to function normally.

Hearing "voices," delusional thinking with no basis in reality, disorganized speech, catatonic behaviors are typical, in both types.

My young cousin suffers from it as well as my stepmom's son, so I have had a lot of exposure to it and done research as well.

A great book "The Quiet Room" is a great depiction. The author (Amanda Bennett) after years of incredible struggle including homelessness and several suicide attempts, persevered, eventually found a job and I think even a functioning relationship! So yeah it does happen for sure.

Nevertheless, no one with any mental illness who is on meds should be mixing alcohol with the meds. That's just stupid, the combo can kill you.

I also have extensive experience with mental disorders. I have 4, PTSD, Panic Disorder, phobias and depression. My husband and son have anxiety. My father has bipolar 1 and borderline personality disorder, his sisters have mood disorders and his brother is a sociopath and my one great grandmother was schizophrenic . I have seen and experienced A LOT.

I also have extensive experience with mental disorders. I have 4, PTSD, Panic Disorder, phobias and depression. My husband and son have anxiety. My father has bipolar 1 and borderline personality disorder, his sisters have mood disorders and his brother is a sociopath and my one great grandmother was schizophrenic . I have seen and experienced A LOT.

Wow that's tough Seraphim, I'm sorry you and your family are afflicted with all that. :(

I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm not stigmatizing mental illness if that's what you're thinking.

I myself suffer from Bipolar2 which I manage successfully without meds; I don't believe in stigmatization of any kind, we're all born from the same Universe.

It's just that from experience and what I have studied and read about schizophrenia, it's extremely difficult for sufferers to properly function in society, and relate to people in any sort of "normal" fashion.

It takes years and years to find the right "meds" and manage this disease so as to allow for a somewhat "normal" and interactive life.

I have much compassion for sufferers in fact my heart breaks for them, it is one of the debilitating and oppressive diseases out there.

My cousin spent at least three years that I can remember sitting quietly in the middle of his bedroom, rocking back and forth.

And that was WITH the meds!

Of course the severity of symptoms vary from person to person.

Perhaps OP's BF has reached a point in the disease wherein he and his doctors have found the right meds, wherein he is able to function normally in the RL, congrats to him, no easy feat!

She said he gets really drunk though, which as I said, combined with the meds can freakin kill you. So that's just dumb and also surprising that he's drinks at all.

That is the only reason why I said something wasn't jiving, suffering from schizophrenia, he should know better!

Hell there are warning labels plastered all over those medications - DO NOT MIX WITH ALCOHOL.

My apologies if I offended you.

Oh, no I am not offended. I am so glad you understand. :) We get so stigmatized sometimes. Yes medications are such a crapshoot . For instance I am allergic to SSRI’s so I need to take benzodiazepines. Much more addictive but what can you do right?

To be honest, I'd have to have been there to witness this conversation. It looks like it was pushed and pushed until he essentially threw his hands up in making the comment. If you emotionally corner someone by pushing an argument they clearly don't want to have, you can expect them to lash back, even if in terms not entirely excusable. Basically, he needs to learn to say "no" or "stop, I'm not talking about this" without invoking derogatory language, and you've got to heed the signals when someone isn't welcoming the psychological press.

What I will say is that I can really see where he was coming from with the whole bath tub scene. To throw in with MLD and Vic, it's simply not a good idea to submerge or deal with slippery surfaces when drunk. No bacteria that night was going to take more advantage overnight than it would have already. But, just as well, having to hold your partner's hand through menial tasks after two glasses of wine is just such a low bar that I can very well understand not wanting to set a precedent with. I wouldn't have to have to worry about having to babysit my partner whenever I spotted a new bottle of Moscato on the countertop.

I have bipolar with some schizophrenic symptoms. Im no way catatonic. But experience with my ex who has full blown paranoid schizophrenia when he came off of his meds he couldnt function at all!

Op if he is drinking on medication then like Katrina says hes playing with fire.

Also the alcohol takes away the medications effectiveness. Where as he wasnt thinking clearly to say such a nasty comment.

But illness aside. You should never have been so demanding. You knew the state his own self was in being drunk as well.

Things are said in the heat of the moment things we regret.

I would let this blow over.

Lisa