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Online dating worry!


Tuna010

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Ok i was talking to this guy online and we get along very well and he lives in my town (but I told him I live in a town 15min away just because didn't want to bump into him) anyway we talking heaps last night and then I was at breakfast this morning with a friend and a car drove past the cafe that could have potentially been him (I don't know what his car looked like but the driver could of been him, same hair etc) and you can see into the cafe from driving (I drove past after to test the theory) anyway I havenet heard from him all day today and I'm worried he saw me at the cafe looking gross and recognised me from my online dating picture and now is not interested anymore. But then I was thinking if he recognised me from a pic that means I look like the pic? Because if I looked totally different he might not think it's me? Anyway what do you think the odds of this are???

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I think you are WAAAAAYYY overthinking this

 

Also he can google you and find out you’re lying

 

youve talked “heaps” and he doesn’t know your name???

 

I’ve found guys from googling their first name job and school. Or city. Or any combination

 

No I have a fake name, and I don't have Facebook so not sure how he could find me?

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I'm 31, I know it comes across as slightly paranoid... it happens a lot, every time I don't hear from someone I assume they drove past and recognised me looking unkempt and are disinterested now.

 

That's not slight paranoia. It might be clinical paranoia. I say innocently and with empathy, you may want to talk to someone.

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I'm 31, I know it comes across as slightly paranoid... it happens a lot, every time I don't hear from someone I assume they drove past and recognised me looking unkempt and are disinterested now.

 

If you don't look like your profile pics, then they may recognise you but be unsure. I met a guy online several years ago and then 'bumped into him' at a shopping centre (he was staring at me with wide eyes and it took me a minute to realise we know each other well). But I wasn't sure so I never mentioned it to him

 

I'd be more concerned that you live in the same city and lied to him. If he DOES see you somewhere and recognise you, he might get the wrong idea about what you're doing in his area?

 

Your paranoia is stemming from your dishonesty with people. Either upload more realistic pics, or don't spend so much time chatting to someone under false pretences

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That's not slight paranoia. It might be clinical paranoia. I say innocently and with empathy, you may want to talk to someone.

 

It's happened various times, well basically every time someone stops talking to me, it's really distressing. My mind believes it to be the only cause but then I think the probabilities of all these guys seeing me is rare, I barely bump into friends or work colleagues let alone strangers driving past!

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I think you're overthinking. I could pass on the street and friends walking by and I don't even see them... now imagine a guy who's only seen pics of you in a dating site recognising you looking from the window inside a car to a cafe where you are with a friend? It seems very impossible to me.

 

Maybe he stopped talking because the interest died a bit. Or maybe he thought that you were being fishy? I know I would if a guy presented himself with a different name and all... (it happened to me before and when he told me I got creeped out) though I understand the safety and privacy measures you're taking. I think you're overthinking this.

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The best thing you can do with online dating is to chat briefly and meet for coffee asap. "Talking heaps" is a red flag. You should look as presentable everyday not just on dates. Your online profile should be well written and your pics should be recent. It sounds like you are catfishing or hiding something and don't actually want to date or meet anyone.

but I told him I live in a town 15min away just because didn't want to bump into him anyway we talking heaps last night
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I once ran into an online date the night before I was supposed to meet him but since I wasn't 100% sure it was him I didn't go over to his table at the restaurant. It actually was him! And I live in a major city but knew he was staying in my city with friends for the weekend. I didn't go to that restaurant for any reason other than it was a typical one my girl friend and I would go to on a weekend night. So it can happen.

 

If you're not giving a real first name and a real city then I'm not sure this is for you - I am all about safety but real first name, real city plus meet in a public place -lets the other person know at least the basics about you and you keep it short and sweet. IMO.

 

And I think it's very unsafe to meet someone without a first name and city -and then if he offers you should too. I once declined to meet someone who wouldn't give me his last name.

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The best thing you can do with online dating is to chat briefly and meet for coffee asap. "Talking heaps" is a red flag. You should look as presentable everyday not just on dates. Your online profile should be well written and your pics should be recent. It sounds like you are catfishing or hiding something and don't actually want to date or meet anyone.

 

No I meet up with ppl I don't know just don't want everyone I talk to to know were I live and my name because they start fb searching, so usually at the start i give a fake name because half of them don't progress to a meeting. I have met a few ppl from online it's just scary!

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No I meet up with ppl I don't know just don't want everyone I talk to to know were I live and my name because they start fb searching, so usually at the start i give a fake name because half of them don't progress to a meeting. I have met a few ppl from online it's just scary!

 

If you don't use Facebook, what would it matter if they Facebook search for you by your first name...? Something doesn't add up here.

 

On a completely unrelated note, I once knew a person who was a compulsive liar. He had a pretty high level of anxiety. Lying tends to do that because you know you're one inconsistency away from getting caught and it makes you worry all the time

 

I think you'll find that anyone who really wants to get to know you is going to be put off once they find out you used a fake name and location. This is going to prevent you from forming genuine connections with people. Consider being honest or taking a break until you are ready to be more vulnerable

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I think you're overthinking. I could pass on the street and friends walking by and I don't even see them... now imagine a guy who's only seen pics of you in a dating site recognising you looking from the window inside a car to a cafe where you are with a friend? It seems very impossible to me.

 

Maybe he stopped talking because the interest died a bit. Or maybe he thought that you were being fishy? I know I would if a guy presented himself with a different name and all... (it happened to me before and when he told me I got creeped out) though I understand the safety and privacy measures you're taking. I think you're overthinking this.

 

If you don't use Facebook, what would it matter if they Facebook search for you by your first name...? Something doesn't add up here.

 

On a completely unrelated note, I once knew a person who was a compulsive liar. He had a pretty high level of anxiety. Lying tends to do that because you know you're one inconsistency away from getting caught and it makes you worry all the time

 

I think you'll find that anyone who really wants to get to know you is going to be put off once they find out you used a fake name and location. This is going to prevent you from forming genuine connections with people. Consider being honest or taking a break until you are ready to be more vulnerable

 

I used to give my real name location, my ex bf I met off tinder he turned so crazy so think from then on I've had my guard up. I decided to take a break from it and try meet someone in real life instead by joining some activities or something, anything has to be better!

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But just because you give them your location (city for example) and first name it doesn't mean that they'll find where you live or anything. If you keep the first dates casual and in public places in the light of the day and don't let them get you to where you live, you'll probably be fine.

 

I think however that more important than this isolated issue, therapy can useful to deal with this trauma you have with the ex boyfriend and the fear it caused on you and that it's preventing you from enjoying dating and opening up. Maybe you're simply not ready to get back out there yet and that's fine.

 

It's good to take safety precautions when dating online and that's fine, but I think you're taking it too far and it can scare people off and at the same time prevent you from enjoying dating.

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But just because you give them your location (city for example) and first name it doesn't mean that they'll find where you live or anything. If you keep the first dates casual and in public places in the light of the day and don't let them get you to where you live, you'll probably be fine.

 

I think however that more important than this isolated issue, therapy can useful to deal with this trauma you have with the ex boyfriend and the fear it caused on you and that it's preventing you from enjoying dating and opening up. Maybe you're simply not ready to get back out there yet and that's fine.

 

It's good to take safety precautions when dating online and that's fine, but I think you're taking it too far and it can scare people off and at the same time prevent you from enjoying dating.

 

I know it's a bit irrational, especially if something did work out I'd have to explain my real name and where I live, they would prob think I have some type of paranoia. I have been to counselling for a year, i just seem to be getting more paranoid if anything - i feel like I'm watching my life fall apart in front of me with my weird behaviour and thoughts, it's really sad i try to change but it just seems to get worse every day there's something new 😒

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Can you change therapist? Try different approaches? I think that before beginning to date it's important to deal with those issues. It might need more time and trying different methods.

 

Yes I agree dating seems to be escalating the issues even more. I just can't do the blind date thing, I need to meet someone in real life first to take the pressure off. I just can't be myself because I feel like I'm being judged so much.

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