Cheating

Hi all

I know this post isn’t going to go down well and I am guessing I will receive a lot of negative comments but I just wanted to put into words what has happened recently and I guess get peoples views although I know most will be bad, that’s why I am posting in a forum hiding behind my keyboard

So basically my husband and I (3 kids) have friends (2 kids) we met through our children and have been friends roughly a year, although my friends partner really only around 4 months

My husband and I have hit a very stale patch in our relationship, no romance or sex, I think probably having 3 young children is a lot to do with it, and my friends on the surface have a perfect relationship, although been together 13 years and not married (this has been an issue for her) also her man has anger issues, he has never hit her but can fly off the handle at small things and it has scared her a few occasions, other than that they have romance and he provides for the family, but he turns her down for sex frequently.

In the time we have known them everytime her man has had a drink and on a few occasions not, but mainly when drinking he flirts with me, says comments that are blatantly flirty, but as mills and boon as this sounds he gives me intense eye contact that literally draws me in, it’s crazy! But when sober he pretty much acts normal around me.

His partner often comments that she has to make an effort because of me, as he has said something to her, I don’t know what but he must mention me, and she has started making an effort

Anyway the other night we was at a party and got very drunk, we ended up all staying at their house, my husband on the sofa next to the kitchen, his partner upstairs, whilst my husband was awake and I was laying on the other sofa he said “do you mind if I cuddle your MRS” with that I got up, and we were just talking and having a few more drinks, he started with the flirty comments again, giving me that intense eye contact and telling me to smile because I look beautiful when I smile, we talked about the eye contact where he admitted it was a thing! Then he kissed me, I kissed him back it felt so right but I know it’s so wrong, then we literally kissed all night and a little fumble, even when the kids were watching tele in the next room, he kept trying to kiss me. They could have turned round and saw us.

Prior to that there has been an occasion where he was drunk round our house and when we was all saying our goodbyes instead of a kiss on the cheek which is what we all normally do he kissed me on the lips, I don’t think our partners noticed but they were there.

When he flirts with me he mentions my eyes a lot, I have mentioned the eye contact before and he says it’s easy to look into my eyes because they are so big and beautiful

The next day I phoned him and he said that it can’t go on we have too much to lose and we should forget about it (I agreed) i spoke to him today and asked him if the lead up to what happened was real or just in my head, and he said real, we agreed to forget about it, I offered to fizzle our our friendship, which would be impossible because of certain situations and he was adument no! And said we need to act as normal as possible. I was with him tonight in a social situation, and it really was as if nothing had happened, and we were talking as we did before when he was sober

I just don’t know what to think about the situation, I realise the advise will mostly be stay away, don’t be friends, and I should tell my husband, and the obvious that I am a selfish evil cow, pond life, but I am genuinely a good person (apart from this) I have never cheated before, what I did I have beat myself up for a lot, I m not going to tell my husband as we need to work through our marriage for our kids (and no I obviously wasn’t thinking about them when I did what I did) :( I was drunk (no excuse I know) and I got caught up in the moment. But my kids are my world and my husband is many things but he doesn’t deserve the heartbreak it will cause and not does my friend, she adores him and has always told me she knows for a fact he would never cheat on her.

I don’t really know what I am asking; so all comments appreciated. I am going to ignore the really nasty comments as you will not be able to punish me anymore than I am punishing myself.

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I don't get that you're "punishing" yourself -you're beating yourself up and making all sorts of assumptions but I'm not sure that you really believe all of that or whether it's meaningful in the sense that your words will motivate you to do what's right. Maybe you're just posting to vent/beat yourself up. If your kids are your world that's a good place to start for motivation to do the right thing. I would channel my energy into getting to the source of why this happened and what you can do to make sure it never happens again with him or someone else. If you can't then it might be time to let your husband find someone who is truly committed to him -and that's for your kids' sake too.

The next day I phoned him and he said that it can’t go on we have too much to lose and we should forget about it (I agreed) i spoke to him today and asked him if the lead up to what happened

You'll get differing opinions on the board. For me, considering the serious effect any result could have on the lives of your three children, I don't think the default should be running to your husband to offload your guilt. What's at stake is the future of your children and, if at all possible, you should be putting your all into ensuring they've got a stable household with both parents present. Now when I say "putting your all into it," it may well be that you and your husband simply have irreconcilable differences, which is fine, but that's a conclusion you work toward.

As Batya mentioned, tackling the roots of your (and likely his as well) discontent in the marriage is paramount. You should be suggesting and insisting on marital counseling. Additionally, it's clear that you and the other husband are attracted to one another. That in and of itself is actually fine. What isn't fine is pushing boundaries and drinking to the point your inhibition is weakened around him while knowing you are in fact attracted to him.

In the grand scheme of things, it's a pretty mild occurrence with a heavy potential to become more severe, and that doesn't even have to mean you and the guy actually do anything. Your mind is clearly dwelling despite him seemingly being perfectly fine to just drop it. Again, the implications run much deeper than just the kiss.

Think of your kids and do the right things.

The thing is, you and your friend's husband have been so open about your attraction to each other that there's no way your female friend and your husband don't have at least a suspicion something is going on. It's likely they are just in denial or don't want to breach that subject just yet until they're ready, whether that means hard evidence of cheating, emotional preparedness or whatever else the reason could be. Might as well talk to them about it.

It is hard to be mature and try to amend the collateral damage from your actions, especially when you made a mistake you regret, although it is a better option at this point. Look, do you want them to find out from the kids who witnessed it (there's no way they didn't at least glance over and see what was going on while you two were preoccupied) and have them tell the mother, your husband, or have the affair husband eventually spill the beans first? I wouldn't doubt these possibilities too much, as it could only be a matter of time until this comes out. You are buying time at this stage. Unless you're ok with the idea of this buried past coming out of thin air to bite you in the butt one day?

Or you could tell the wife and your husband yourself; your own side, own up to your part in this with full honesty, and prepare the tools for fixing what you've done (get a therapist before telling them, read self help books, join a community who helps to deal with these issuues, breaking all ties from the affair partner by blocking and telling him you no longer want to associate). It makes you look a whole lot better than the other woman who was sorry she just got caught, not she was actually sorry about a drunken mistake and tried her best to get help for it.

It looks like you're fishing for another view besides your own "ignore the problem, keep up appearances by still being friends with the affair partner and hope the wife and your husband don't find out". Well, you have the opportunity to prepare yourself to tell them how you really are sorry, and then make plans for you and your husband to come together in joining up with the resources I mentioned in order to rebuild your trust and marriage. You have to face the music, your poor relationship with your husband hasn't changed and will continue unless you do something. This is your chance to address it and to make the marriage better, rather than stick your head in the sand and continue as is.

Your choice.

I don't get that you're "punishing" yourself -you're beating yourself up and making all sorts of assumptions but I'm not sure that you really believe all of that or whether it's meaningful in the sense that your words will motivate you to do what's right. Maybe you're just posting to vent/beat yourself up. If your kids are your world that's a good place to start for motivation to do the right thing. I would channel my energy into getting to the source of why this happened and what you can do to make sure it never happens again with him or someone else. If you can't then it might be time to let your husband find someone who is truly committed to him -and that's for your kids' sake too.

Maybe your right, I know without doubt I am wrong, and I can’t stop thinking about it with maximum guilt, I will do the right thing, I could never break up my family over something so stupid, I was wreckless and selfish I am fully aware of this and it has put my character to question, I have always been a good person and always prided myself on my high morals, but now I have shown total disrespect for the person I thought I was, I have had opportunity in the past and it has always discussed me at the thought of being with someone so disrespectful that they would chat me up knowing I had a husband. This was different I ran away with my emotions, there is something missing in my husband and I definitely don’t get the attention I used to and as a result I am not wven sure my husband loves me, he tells me he does and says it’s the kids, but I just feel like we are plodding along. My husband is a great dad to our children and he is a grafter for that reason I want to try and get back what we lost and I suppose what happened has been a massive wake up call, as it doesn’t bare thinking about not being the family unit that we are. I feel I am committed to him as I keep trying I am not just giving up, I made a very stupid mistake and that guilt will stay with me forever. I can’t imagine my life without my husband.

Things haven't been good between yourself and your husband and this guy is paying you attention so it's understandable that you feel good about it, but, you know that if this continues it's not going to end well right? Do you really want to destroy 2 families?

 

Since you said that there are reasons why you can't go no-contact (NC) with your affair partner (AP), yes, this is an affair, then I would suggest that you stop drinking when you're around him and also to not be alone with him ever. And I would also not text or call him unless it involves the kids or the spouses, cut any hint of personal talk short.

 

I mean this well so please take it as I intend it: respect yourself. You're worth more than a few cheap compliments.

No I definitely don’t and things are over, I really believe he was probably just caught up in the moment as I was, but we both know whatever happened was not worth breaking up our families, and I am 100% sure nothing will happen again, and I will do everything in my power to make sure we are never in a situation where we could get caught up again.

I agree we can’t be around each other when drinking as I assume but not entirely sure there is an attraction between us both and can’t be as controlled when we drink which is pathetic I know, to be honest the night in question was the only time we have been alone, so it will be easy not to ever get in the same situation, and very soon we both have businesses that are seasonal and we won’t see each other at all for around 7 months.

Thank you and your so right, I know that I still can’t belive all it took was a few compliments, I can’t even understand myself xx

Yes thank you, I think what happened has been a wake up call and I now know for my children we need to get back what we lost, I can’t think of anything worse than causing a broken home situation, my marriage isn’t unbearable it’s just missing some fundamental things. It’s no excuse for the way I acted.

Your absolutely right, I would need to talk my husband around to councelling as it’s not something he will entertain, but I am sure if he realises what is at stake he will consider it for our family, I can’t lie I am attracted to this man and I can’t stop it no matter how hard I try, but I suspect I am and he is on some kind of self district mode, and the drink just enhanced what we know is wrong and resulted us in taking a stupid risk for a mutual passion that I also suspect is as a result of our relationships, although he thinks his relationship is perfect, but the fact he flips out in anger over nothing, and did what he did with me tells a different story, nothing to do with me I know, but he needs to address the issues he has or I think he will ruin his relationship without the help of anyone.

I am not sure it has potential to become more, he only really flirts with me when he is drunk and we don’t tend to get drunk together where anything can happen, also he was adamant as I was that’s this is it, it’s not worth the risk, he said he didn’t want to hurt my feeling so I assume he thinks I have deep feelings for him

My kids are my world and they will definitely drive me in the decisions I make moving forward

They honestly don’t have a clue I know this because I know my husband is an insanely jealous man, and he encourages contact with them, as does the other mans partener, they wouldn’t be able to cope with knowing anything untoward was going on. I really don’t think talking to my husband about this will do any good at all it will rip mine and their family apart

I didn’t kiss him whilst the kids were there he kept trying and I was way to paranoid, he kept pulling me to him and I walked away each time, at the time of the situation I wanted him so bad but luckily the guilt of the act was already eating me up, I don’t think it will come out, it wasn’t a full blow aware, at the most a bit of drunken flirting, and a kiss with a little fumble but nothing to intimate.

I can categorically say that if they found out or we told them their would be no going back, there is no way either of them would ever forgive and it would cause more problems and issues than you can ever imagine.

Yes your right I wanted other views but I can’t ever tell them, this is not an option, it would ruin our children who are all extremely close, go to the same schools and it would ruin our whole life’s in respect of logistics x

The bit about you kids in the room was disturbing. The friendship needs to be cut, and the drinking is too much.

I would suggest some marriage counseling. Deal with you marriage.

The bit about you kids in the room was disturbing. The friendship needs to be cut, and the drinking is too much.

 

I would suggest some marriage counseling. Deal with you marriage.

I know :( the kids were there but that was too much for me and I managed to find a bit of control and stop the situation, he on the other hand just kept telling me I was paranoid.

What I don’t understand about that he is an amazing father who clearly loves his childrenn more than anything so it felt so out of character seeing him this way, wreckless and could have had deverstating consequences, it makes no sense to me

I can’t cut the friendship in its entirely its impossible due to many circumstances beyond my control, the drinking will always be taken out the equation from now on, and yes I do need to deal with my marriage xx

Why can’t you cut off the friendship? I think that is the key here. If there is some reason you really cannot cut it off cold turkey, you can surely drift away gradually, right? You can start finding reasons to be busy and less available to spend time with him until the point where you are no longer spending substantial amounts of time together. Not cutting it off is going to stand in the way of refocusing your attention on your family. Your attraction to him will not go away if you keep spending time with him.

Sounds like the families are friends so if she does that it will affect too many people and lead to too many questions.

So you have proven that you can be another mans .

And your solution to this is to act as nothing has happened and allow your husband to hangout with the guy you cheated with. Are you really trying to humiliate him like this? What has he done to warrant this type of treatment?

I for one believe honestly is always the best policy. If you decide not to tell, I hope your husband finds out.

I know :( the kids were there but that was too much for me and I managed to find a bit of control and stop the situation, he on the other hand just kept telling me I was paranoid.

 

What I don’t understand about that he is an amazing father who clearly loves his childrenn more than anything so it felt so out of character seeing him this way, wreckless and could have had deverstating consequences, it makes no sense to me

 

I can’t cut the friendship in its entirely its impossible due to many circumstances beyond my control, the drinking will always be taken out the equation from now on, and yes I do need to deal with my marriage xx

I love how you are defending your fellow cheater. Are you even reading what you are putting on here?

He such a great father that he is trying to get my pants off still with the kids in the room. But this is so out of character of him. Or it is exactly who he is.

Best of luck with how you are “handling” your physical affair. Let us know when it goes further, because it will with the direction you are going. I give it 6 months, then you will be saying that he is your soulmate.

Yes thank you, I think what happened has been a wake up call and I now know for my children we need to get back what we lost, I can’t think of anything worse than causing a broken home situation, my marriage isn’t unbearable it’s just missing some fundamental things. It’s no excuse for the way I acted.

 

Your absolutely right, I would need to talk my husband around to councelling as it’s not something he will entertain, but I am sure if he realises what is at stake he will consider it for our family, I can’t lie I am attracted to this man and I can’t stop it no matter how hard I try, but I suspect I am and he is on some kind of self district mode, and the drink just enhanced what we know is wrong and resulted us in taking a stupid risk for a mutual passion that I also suspect is as a result of our relationships, although he thinks his relationship is perfect, but the fact he flips out in anger over nothing, and did what he did with me tells a different story, nothing to do with me I know, but he needs to address the issues he has or I think he will ruin his relationship without the help of anyone.

 

I am not sure it has potential to become more, he only really flirts with me when he is drunk and we don’t tend to get drunk together where anything can happen, also he was adamant as I was that’s this is it, it’s not worth the risk, he said he didn’t want to hurt my feeling so I assume he thinks I have deep feelings for him

 

My kids are my world and they will definitely drive me in the decisions I make moving forward

Your first mistake. Your relationship has nothing to do with your cheating on your husband.

Your second mistake. Thinking this will not go any further staying in daily contact with your affair partner.

Why don’t you find yourself a IC and see if they think being around you fellow cheater is a wise decision.

They honestly don’t have a clue I know this because I know my husband is an insanely jealous man, and he encourages contact with them, as does the other mans partener, they wouldn’t be able to cope with knowing anything untoward was going on. I really don’t think talking to my husband about this will do any good at all it will rip mine and their family apart

 

I didn’t kiss him whilst the kids were there he kept trying and I was way to paranoid, he kept pulling me to him and I walked away each time, at the time of the situation I wanted him so bad but luckily the guilt of the act was already eating me up, I don’t think it will come out, it wasn’t a full blow aware, at the most a bit of drunken flirting, and a kiss with a little fumble but nothing to intimate.

 

I can categorically say that if they found out or we told them their would be no going back, there is no way either of them would ever forgive and it would cause more problems and issues than you can ever imagine.

 

Yes your right I wanted other views but I can’t ever tell them, this is not an option, it would ruin our children who are all extremely close, go to the same schools and it would ruin our whole life’s in respect of logistics x

Your husband is insanely jealous, but didn't retaliate with jealousy at all when you and your affair partner kissed on the lips in his presence? Your husband is in denial, and so are you apparently. You two have left a trail so obvious, of course he's at least suspicious, among others. I can only forsee this ending worse, due to you wanting to hide this, rather than coming clean and owning up to the consequences with some dignity/decency at least.

Well, I guess you'll eventually turn out to be "the other woman who was only sorry she got caught cheating". Good luck with the aftermath.

Why can’t you cut off the friendship? I think that is the key here. If there is some reason you really cannot cut it off cold turkey, you can surely drift away gradually, right? You can start finding reasons to be busy and less available to spend time with him until the point where you are no longer spending substantial amounts of time together. Not cutting it off is going to stand in the way of refocusing your attention on your family. Your attraction to him will not go away if you keep spending time with him.

We can’t cut off because we live in the same village, and our children are very close and they do out of school activities together and our circle of friends are the same, I can defineltly see him less, for the next 7 months we won’t see each other at all as we both have seasonal businesses so that’s really good, and I plan to say no when I know he will be there, we actually don’t see a lot of each other, we have a party coming up soon at our house other friends will be there, I can’t cancel as it has been arranged for a very long time, but I will try and stay out his way as much as possible xx

Sounds like the families are friends so if she does that it will affect too many people and lead to too many questions.

Exactly this :) thank you xx

Thank you for all your replies, I don’t see this man daily, once a week if that, I may sometimes see him on the school run, but we don’t talk, and as I have said in previous posts he is different when he is sober and acts normal around me, I don’t understand this?

What happened has only happened once and it was physically a kiss, the lead up was flirting on his side but only really when he was drunk. Me and my husband have talked and we have agreed to work on our relationship, yes I have an unexplainable attraction to this other man, but my husband is not worth losing over it

When you say I am defending him, it’s only because in the time I have known him, he has worked extremely hard to provide for his family, and is amazing with his children and partener. That’s why I thought it was out of character, but maybe your right maybe thats a front for the outsides view of him: I don’t know, I don’t even think for him it’s a real attraction because he only ever shows any interest when he has been drinking

Exactly this :) thank you xx

Of course, that's obvious and a justification for hiding everything to all cheaters; this situation is no different. No one here is blind to this fact. Every time a married person cheats, it affects many people. That is a given. It affects your relationship with your kids, spouse, friends, in laws, the affair partner's wife and all the people I mentioned previously on their side. Heck, even your neighbors would get a whiff of the gossip.

Point is, just because you regularly visit and are family friends doesn't make the situation affect any more people than any other affair out there would, just you are closer to the people you affect and it's much, MUCH easier for this to get found out.

While it's good you are starting to talk to your husband about repairing your relationship, I suggest to expect to do even more repairing "when" he finds out, not "if". I've seen stories here of cheaters thinking they can hide this, only to deeply regret they didn't tell their partner it themselves and handling this in the right way the first time around.

I would not tell your husband just to unload your guilt. I would tell him that you want to spend less time (or no time) anymore with this family or maybe put conditions on it -say that it can be when you're all together as a group. It's fine to say you were uncomfortable around this guy when he was drunk.

Thank you for all your replies, I don’t see this man daily, once a week if that, I may sometimes see him on the school run, but we don’t talk, and as I have said in previous posts he is different when he is sober and acts normal around me, I don’t understand this?

 

What happened has only happened once and it was physically a kiss, the lead up was flirting on his side but only really when he was drunk. Me and my husband have talked and we have agreed to work on our relationship, yes I have an unexplainable attraction to this other man, but my husband is not worth losing over it

 

When you say I am defending him, it’s only because in the time I have known him, he has worked extremely hard to provide for his family, and is amazing with his children and partener. That’s why I thought it was out of character, but maybe your right maybe thats a front for the outsides view of him: I don’t know, I don’t even think for him it’s a real attraction because he only ever shows any interest when he has been drinking

This is why you will fail at this. You admire this man as well as being physically attracted to him.

You can’t see him as the author of your destroyed family. Being drunk is only an excuse for I’m sure the two of you weren’t so drunk because your kids were there. In my view he is a POS for going after another mans wife. Until you see him as an enemy you will cheat again and destroy your family.

At the same time you have this man around your husband and kids. You are belittling your husband just to save face. What a wonderful loving wife you must be. Just think what he is going to do when he finds out. A wife and friend he trusted to do this to him.

How would you feel if this was reversed and the OM’s GF came on to your husband and did the same things you two did?

What would you do?

Your a coward for not taking responsibility for your actions. Also, they won’t just go away.

Of course, that's obvious and a justification for hiding everything to all cheaters; this situation is no different. No one here is blind to this fact. Every time a married person cheats, it affects many people. That is a given. It affects your relationship with your kids, spouse, friends, in laws, the affair partner's wife and all the people I mentioned previously on their side. Heck, even your neighbors would get a whiff of the gossip.

 

Point is, just because you regularly visit and are family friends doesn't make the situation affect any more people than any other affair out there would, just you are closer to the people you affect and it's much, MUCH easier for this to get found out.

 

While it's good you are starting to talk to your husband about repairing your relationship, I suggest to expect to do even more repairing "when" he finds out, not "if". I've seen stories here of cheaters thinking they can hide this, only to deeply regret they didn't tell their partner it themselves and handling this in the right way the first time around.

Exactly ^^^^^^^^this.

Being drunk is just an alibi or excuse for what he did.

There is a reason he hasn’t married your friend and why she is unhappy with it.

Remember, this is why wedding vows include "all bets are off if we get bored or drunk or someone else makes us feel special".