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Just deleted my online dating profile


Tryingit

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Just so sick of how bad of an experience it is.

 

Genuinely worried I’ll never meet anyone without it. How does an adult in a big city who is past the age of “going out” and “going to bars” supposed to meet anyone? Please don’t advise something contrived like “go to meetups”- have enough difficulty not flaking on my real friends much less random strangers. Do I need to pick up a hobby that may have men in it? Wear see through leggings at the gym? Have my eyes open everytime I’m at Whole Foods? I mean really what do you do.

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I'll give you some suggestions that worked for my friends - salsa or swing dancing lessons, volunteering backstage at community theater (that is a huge one for several people I know), tennis lessons, volunteer work that involves interacting - meeting women is great too since they can set you up with men. I set people up all the time and have for decades. It's fine if you think meetups are "contrived" -I met many men at singles events, vacations, religious events involving singles, etc. Nothing wrong with "contrived" because it creates an environment where it's easier to have natural conversation.

 

I met men through volunteer work, at work, through friends and friends of friends, at the gym, in my apartment building, at singles events, on vacation.

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Funny thing about online dating, I felt much the way you did. When I was invested in finding someone it made me miserable and I would take down my profile just to take a break or out of disgust.

My best luck was when I would put up my profile and really not care and have no expectations. I just ignored it for the most part and checked my inbox every few days to just delete things.

That's when someone shows up and surprises me.

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Just so sick of how bad of an experience it is.

 

Genuinely worried I’ll never meet anyone without it. How does an adult in a big city who is past the age of “going out” and “going to bars” supposed to meet anyone? Please don’t advise something contrived like “go to meetups”- have enough difficulty not flaking on my real friends much less random strangers. Do I need to pick up a hobby that may have men in it? Wear see through leggings at the gym? Have my eyes open everytime I’m at Whole Foods? I mean really what do you do.

 

Re the bold isn't that a bit of a catch 22? I mean potential dates are strangers, so the statement is confusing me.

 

Unfortunately if you are unwilling to go to meet ups and you don't go out to bars seems you're limited to online dating or random encounters, or if your job allows it co workers...

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I just need to do something differently. I’ve never really had hobbies. I live alone. I work alone. I’m pretty antisocial compared to my younger self. I have a really hard time keeping up energy and hope after a man annoys me (sooo much annoyance to be had online dating). I just don’t know how this story ends well if I keep going like this. I’m like do I need to move. Do I need a new job. Do I need new friends. Something has got to give if my only avenue of meeting people is an app.

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Volunteering, rec sports, church (if you're religious), meetup events, you name it. I've got nothing against online dating, and I think it's actually a great tool. That said, it should never be your only tool. I found it most successfully employed when done so alongside a healthy social life.

 

I get that OLD has left a lot of people jaded, but meeting potential partners is a pretty natural process so long as you're exposing yourself to your environment. Now if you don't want to actively participate in your social environment, then I don't know what to tell you.

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I just need to do something differently. I’ve never really had hobbies. I live alone. I work alone. I’m pretty antisocial compared to my younger self. I have a really hard time keeping up energy and hope after a man annoys me (sooo much annoyance to be had online dating). I just don’t know how this story ends well if I keep going like this. I’m like do I need to move. Do I need a new job. Do I need new friends. Something has got to give if my only avenue of meeting people is an app.

 

I didn't really have "hobbies" but I did volunteer work -read to children once a week at a homeless shelter, helped students at my former institution with interview prep, helped homeless women prepare resumes, etc - and I was very, very social - meeting men and women. I went to singles resorts on my own and roomed with strangers and met people like that too. I was in a book club and a women's networking group. I lived alone for almost 15 years.

 

If you choose to be antisocial you're not going to meet anyone unless you grow your hair long like Rapunzel. It's up to you whether you want to put in the effort to be social. I did because I wanted a husband and the opportunity to try to conceive a child. Very badly and for many, many years. So even when I didn't feel like being social, I did it anyway.

 

I was on several on line dating sites and met over 100 men in person but I also did the social things I mentioned. It just depends whether the benefit of your goal (a relationship) is worth the time/effort/sweat/annoyance it takes.

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I'm in a very small isolated town, so even with online dating my chances are very limited. In a big town there are more options, weather online or real life. I'd say the best way is like the others said getting into group activities you think you'd enjoy.

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Just so sick of how bad of an experience it is.

 

Genuinely worried I’ll never meet anyone without it. How does an adult in a big city who is past the age of “going out” and “going to bars” supposed to meet anyone? Please don’t advise something contrived like “go to meetups”- have enough difficulty not flaking on my real friends much less random strangers. Do I need to pick up a hobby that may have men in it? Wear see through leggings at the gym? Have my eyes open everytime I’m at Whole Foods? I mean really what do you do.

 

Can you elaborate on what you mean by experience so we can give you help and feed back? Lack of emails, people not replying? What experience are you having?

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I don't know, but stay away from concerts, nothing good will come of it(haha I'm just putting a dig in my ex bc that's how we met). How old are you? Do you have a casino nearby? There's upscale places in the one near me that are full of single men(well maybe they pretend to be) and they are very friendly. They are out in the open in the casino. You don't even feel like you're at a bar. There's lots of businessmen and pilots and ooh let me stop lol i might need to go tomorrow night now :)

This might sound crazy, but I know people who actually did this, and they met people this way! You become one of those

people who set up in the grocery store promoting a product (you know the free food samples) I can't think of the name of what you call them cuz I had a really crappy week but I'm trying to help lol. Okay so guys come up, you chit chat, then if you have a business (I don't care if you're pretending to be a housekeeper lol) you hand them your card. I know it seems like a ton of work, but it worked out for people. I'm too lazy to go thru all that. I'd rather sit at the bar :)

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lol @ the Casino and pretend grocery store sales girl suggestions. Love the creativity.

 

What’s my experience? Probably better than 99% of the population and I still find it crap :( I’m the profile of person that would have the highest likelihood of success online dating (female, attractive, great on paper, early 30s but looks younger, lives in a huge city etc). I actually was interviewed for a CBS special as OKC’s top 10 most popular users lol. If it’s an open site, I’ll get hundreds of messages a day. I get message fatigue and end up not even reading. I’ll also get a ton of super inappropriate messages that make me hate humanity. If it’s a mutual match app, I’ll get at least 5 matches from people I’d consider catches from just few minutes of swiping. Now this is where the good news stops.

 

Once the match happens, 9 out of 10 of the convos die on the app, if the person even responds (I find many aren’t “real profiles” of active users that login). This is the part I hate most because the convos are usually so forced fake and boring. I’m an impatient, no BS type of person so I used to make that text convo productive (what’s your deal (job, etc)? What are you looking for? Let’s meet ASAP). Found although this helped me weed out basically everyone, it also was very repulsive to men. So I started being smarter about it and having light flirty banter about nothing. Men loved this. Once I switched to becoming a female player, nearly every engaged convo eventually converted to the guy asking me out. I went on very few actual first dates (probably 12 total lifetime) because I’d do diligence on the dude online and almost always feel repulsed (I’d find he parties too much, seems immature, is narcissistic, seems like a player, isn’t actually attractive though his 2-3 pictures would lead you to believe he is). Of the 12 people or so I did actually meet, 9 I found I wasn’t into immediately from the first date, usually due to issues of misrepresentation online (mostly height or things you can’t predict like chemistry. A couple were huge a-holes and one I believe was a fake profile that never showed up). One I dated for 2 years and became one of the biggest loves of my life, but through time, found out was a major online player. He was multidating like craaaazy the entire time (I just happened to be the “Main Girl”). One I dated for 2 months and I ended because I just didn’t feel the X factor (regret this because he may be the best person I’ve ever dated, in hindsight). One I just dated for 2-3 months, was really great at first, but discovered a can of worms of emotional intimacy issues, unavailability, non-commitment etc once we got close. So, all in all, much ado about nothing.

 

I’m in a constant cycle of hating it, giving it another chance, experiencing another #fail, getting annoyed and exhausted, deleting it for a loooong time, not meeting anyone and redownloading. A lot of my single girlfriends have the same feeling and experience.

 

I find the “experience” of it - swiping, shopping for humans, the fact everyone selects based on a pic, the pointless texting, the “dates” with people you don’t actually like - just so unappealing. I think of dating as a chore now that I have to do unless I wanna end up alone. It’s killed the magic.

 

I find majority of people on online apps are 1) misrepresenting themselves big time; 2) not serious about meeting & using it for ego; 3) looking for sex (even if they’re strategic about pretending that they’re not); 4) multidating and weighing their optionality value every day (therefore uninvested); 5) have something beneath the surface super wrong with them that you’ll find out about like a Christmas surprise. Yes 1 out of 1,000 profiles will be none of that but how exhausting is it to weed through 1K swipes/texts/dates!

 

Sorry for the novel but y’all asked! This is my experience with online dating.

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I just read back my last post and it just makes me shudder. What a cold and empty world we live in. I often think that I would have preferred dating in the 50s to this- I’ll take “being in the kitchen” over this “internet emancipation.” I also want to add that I 100% believe this to be a cultural issue (I have lived in NYC and LA). I lived in other countries for a couple years and every place I lived bar none (be it Europe, Middle East or even Africa) I had a normal BOYFRIEND (oooh what a scary word) almost the second I landed. Never used an app. Never experienced friction. Didn’t even speak the damn language.

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Just so sick of how bad of an experience it is.

 

Genuinely worried I’ll never meet anyone without it. How does an adult in a big city who is past the age of “going out” and “going to bars” supposed to meet anyone? Please don’t advise something contrived like “go to meetups”- have enough difficulty not flaking on my real friends much less random strangers. Do I need to pick up a hobby that may have men in it? Wear see through leggings at the gym? Have my eyes open everytime I’m at Whole Foods? I mean really what do you do.

 

Then what would stop you from potentially flaking on a DATE? That happens a LOT with online dating, and with dating in general. The IDEA sounds good, but actually DOING it? Ehh not so much.

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I just read back my last post and it just makes me shudder. What a cold and empty world we live in. I often think that I would have preferred dating in the 50s to this- I’ll take “being in the kitchen” over this “internet emancipation.” I also want to add that I 100% believe this to be a cultural issue (I have lived in NYC and LA). I lived in other countries for a couple years and every place I lived bar none (be it Europe, Middle East or even Africa) I had a normal BOYFRIEND (oooh what a scary word) almost the second I landed. Never used an app. Never experienced friction. Didn’t even speak the damn language.

 

You described me back then "female, attractive, great on paper, early 30s but looks younger, lives in a huge city etc". I also was educated and financially independent,

With a few differences:

 

I wasn't cynical or jaded or bitter which is how you come across (and I met over 100 men in person just through on line sites, more from print personal ads in my 20s) - maybe for a few hours at a time but that's it. I wasn't going to let the flaky/jerky types harm my mindset given my goals.

 

I did the things I mentioned in my previous posts -volunteer work, networking, setting people up/getting set up/singles resorts, etc (listing because I only did a few dance lessons and was only indirectly involved in community theater through a boyfriend but I saw how many couples met that way).

 

I was very social and proactively so.

 

I started dating my husband at age 39 but I was engaged to someone I met through a personal ad and have several friends who fit your profile who met their great husbands through on line sites. My husband and I could have met online too but because of a mistake in his profile he would never have come up in my search (and we'd originally met at work).

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I wouldn't knock something you haven't even tried. Shortly before I met my husband on OLD, I did go to several meetups which I enjoyed. It was a fun, friendly, comfortable environment on all occasions. We went to a blueberry festival at a winery and chatted at tables. At another event, we had a hobo party barbecue at a guys house. Another event was appetizers and drinks at a bar. I didn't clique with any guy at the few events I went to, but different people show up at different events each time, and I would've kept on with the events if I hadn't met my husband.

 

Other groups looked fun like hiking, bowling, kayaking, but my work schedule often interfered with attending. I'm a shy person, and yes, it was kind of hard for me to put myself out there, but I had a goal, so when something is important enough to you, you do what it takes.

 

What you've been doing hasn't worked, so why not try something new? Other ideas would be adult education in an area that interests you. Perhaps creative writing, or learning new computer programs, or cooking classes. I know of a couple who met being volunteer docents at the zoo. Often, museums take on volunteer docents as well. When you're doing what you love, as far as interests/passions, you will be a magnet to people who see that light shine from you. Good luck.

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I used to make that text convo productive (what’s your deal (job, etc)? What are you looking for? Let’s meet ASAP). Found although this helped me weed out basically everyone, it also was very repulsive to men. So I started being smarter about it and having light flirty banter about nothing. Men loved this. Once I switched to becoming a female player

 

There is a lot of space between being a no-nonsense, cut-to-the-chase kind of person and being a "female player".

 

Asking a guy what is "deal" is, is very off-putting and frankly, offensive.

 

Flirting with a bunch of guys, becoming a female "player", is equally offensive.

 

How about this: If a guy messages you, and you think his profile looks nice, respond with "Hi, thanks for writing. I see you like skiing. Where's your favorite slope?". You know, a normal conversation.

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I just read back my last post and it just makes me shudder. What a cold and empty world we live in. I often think that I would have preferred dating in the 50s to this- I’ll take “being in the kitchen” over this “internet emancipation.” I also want to add that I 100% believe this to be a cultural issue (I have lived in NYC and LA). I lived in other countries for a couple years and every place I lived bar none (be it Europe, Middle East or even Africa) I had a normal BOYFRIEND (oooh what a scary word) almost the second I landed. Never used an app. Never experienced friction. Didn’t even speak the damn language.

 

I don't disagree with you that online dating is a bit for sh*t, but I think it would probably helpful for you to take some time and really figure out what you want. I just read one of your earlier posts and you said you used "men/dating almost the way a crackhead uses a hit." Talk about cold and empty.

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I’m in a constant cycle of hating it, giving it another chance,

 

I find majority of people on online apps are 1) misrepresenting themselves big time; 2) not serious about meeting & using it for ego; 3) looking for sex (even if they’re strategic about pretending that they’re not); 4) multidating and weighing their optionality value every day (therefore uninvested); 5) have something beneath the surface super wrong with them that you’ll find out about like a Christmas surprise. Yes 1 out of 1,000 profiles will be none of that but how exhausting is it to weed through 1K swipes/texts/dates!

.

 

I had to quote this because it made me laugh and pretty much sums it up.

As infuriating as it is, I've met some nice men on line. . few and far between but they are there.

 

There has been times I wanted to throw my pc across the room and I by that I knew it was time to take a break.

I felt that way about every 10 days. At one point I probably spend one week on and one week off.

 

Just a thought. .If you are considered in a top 10, I wonder how many men think your profile isn't real.

I know I think that when I see the must beautiful man in the world on line. . I'll pass him by thinking it's a scam.

Anyway. . I have no great advise, other than take a break. . breath and stay away OKC.

The last time I was there, 90% were looking for hookups.

 

I think I had been doing it for so long off and on I got pretty good at spotting time wasters.

Once I was able to eliminate them quickly my frustration lessoned.

 

I also think there are a lot of people online who don't otherwise have luck meeting people in RL. . so they might have

issues and nonnegotiable stuff going on.

Not sure what that says about us, hmmmm . .lol. . .but just hang in here.

 

I met someone online 6 mo's ago when I was taking a break. I was where you are at now and didn't look at my inbox for about 3 weeks and saw his email and thought

`what the heck, just this one time' 6 mos later and being really skeptical we are going strong. No one is more surprised then myself.

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I don't do OLD anymore (used to) but admit, occasionally will still browse profiles.

 

Agree reinvent, when I see a beautiful, modelesque photo of a man, I have questioned if it's real but only because it looks too "posed" and too contrived.

 

Also, and JMO but when people are on the upper end of good looks, beauty and sex appeal, it's best to post photos that are a bit low key and understated, rather than photos resembling a model's portfolio.

 

They just seem more real and genuine and also reflect the general nature of the person posting them (natural, real and genuine versus self-absorbed, attention seeking).

 

Just my own personal perception about that, other people may be totally turned on by modelesque photos like that!

 

Also, when I see a photo of a man with his shirt off (even when he has the body of an Adonis), unless he's playing volley ball or something outdoorsy and athletic like that where going shirtless is warranted, I just think ugh! Trying too hard, self-absorbed.

 

Or photos that just look too "perfect" and posed, I think the same thing.

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I just need to do something differently. I’ve never really had hobbies. I live alone. I work alone. I’m pretty antisocial compared to my younger self. I have a really hard time keeping up energy and hope after a man annoys me (sooo much annoyance to be had online dating). I just don’t know how this story ends well if I keep going like this. I’m like do I need to move. Do I need a new job. Do I need new friends. Something has got to give if my only avenue of meeting people is an app.

 

Hah! Wul nobody's going to show up at your door, so yes, you'll need to go out, and as contrived as that may feel for you, develop a skill of resilience and roll with it. Otherwise, your world will continue to shrink.

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Thanks for replies guys.

I really liked the suggestions of taking classes/education (because I'm a nerd and have met multiple SOs through work/school) and doing things you organically care about. If something happens, so be it! For me, I think it'd be fitness or learning related activities because I am naturally into that, and I won't feel like I'm doing it for the off-chance I meet a dude. It's just a very long term and potentially fruitless play, but what can ya do. I actually forced myself to go to a philanthropy event on Saturday and saw so many incredible men and women there - didn't talk to any prospects but I'm trying to find a way to get on this "amazing people of the city" invite list! haha I'm interviewing for jobs at large companies (I currently work alone) so I think being re-integrated into society through work is going to help tremendously. I think my experiences and attitude of late is 80% situational - I'm isolated and encounter very few new people IRL, so I force myself online, and it doesn't work for me, for whatever reason, so I get disheartened. I truly believe your social activity level etc is extremely lifestyle related - when I worked in social jobs or I was in school, or when I was in high density cities, I never had the need to even once open an app. Lately, my world has just shrunk and I find it petrifying, so I'm trying to actively expand it again through getting a job, potentially moving closer to city center, taking classes etc

 

I also re-downloaded another dating app which is less "mass market" - more curated to a niche type of person that is a professional educated etc, and I'll use it as a backup plan here and there.

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