Viagra, marriage, and lack of trust....?

It's been a LONG time since I posted...guess that's not a bad thing!

Having a troubling week though, here goes: (Warning: long post!)

I got married six months ago and we have been together for 7 years. We have a 3 year old child together, the house, the dog, the whole shebang.

At the beginning of our relationship we had some minor trust issues that have not been an issue for the last number of years, mainly left over emotions and baggage from both of our past relationships.

Around the time I found out I was pregnant (about 4 years ago) my then boyfriend, now husband, was working out of town quite a bit. One day when he returned from being away at work for about a week, I was doing laundry and thought I would throw some of his work clothes in. I found a couple packs of Viagra in his bag from work. I immediately questioned him about it, as I did not previously know that he had ever taken Viagra before. He told me that he had been taking it for a while, that he was embarrassed about it and that's why he never told me. I pressed on and asked why in the world he would take it out of town with him. He told me that he took it with him because he didn't want me to find it in the basement if I had gone on one of my cleaning sprees while he was away. (Because I didn't even know he had been taking it and because he was embarrassed about it.) I was upset, but decided I should believe him and that I should give him the benefit of the doubt and we never discussed it again.

Fast forward to the past couple weeks: Again this winter he has been working out of town quite a bit. Lately I have been feeling a bit insecure for my own reasons...I need to get back in shape, I'm getting older (32) and starting to get wrinkles and what-not, the usual. My husband is 10 years older and obviously likes younger women (ie. me, ha!). I have read about how Viagra can ruin relationships because the men get a new sense of sexual capability and sometimes stray from the wife who is happy having sex a couple times a week, etc... (We have sex almost every single night when he is home btw. I don't always want it necessarily, but do it to keep him satisfied) To this day he hides his Viagra from me and we don't talk about it. I came across his hiding place a few months ago (in his bathroom vanity) while looking for something else. In the last few weeks I started to pay closer attention and counting the pills before/after he leaves town for work.

Last week he was out of town Wednesday night (yes, Valentine's Day) and Thursday night. Before he left town I'm pretty sure there were 8 pills. He left while I was at work, and when I got home there were only 6 pills. He came home on Friday and I opened up to him a bit over the weekend about how I was feeling a bit disconnected from him, etc. I did not tell him I was counting his pills, as I thought maybe I had mis-counted or lost track of how many were there before. He was understanding and said we should both think of ways we can reconnect, maybe get a baby-sitter more often and go on more dates. He apologized that he has been working out of town so much and said that he understands how hard it is on our family.

He was home for a few days and got called back out to work on Wednesday of this week. Again I counted the pills before he left and there were 8 (a 4 pack, a 3 pack, and a single pill. This is important I swear!) Again, he left while I was at work and when I got home there were only 4 pills left. My heart sunk. I texted him and said I was freaking out, and he immediately called me. I asked him about it and apologized for snooping. He told me that his boss had asked if he had any around because he (his boss) had run out, and that he had brought a 3 pack to the office for his boss. Like really? His boss? This COULD be possible because his boss is a real character - the kind of guy who orders generic brand Viagra from India on the internet to the office and offers it to anybody. (This I know is true, the first time I met him he joked about giving me Viagra to slip into my husband's drink). I questioned my husband again, like really? You brought Viagra for your boss?? He said that yes he did, and that his boss is whacked like that (which he IS). I told him there was more than a 3 pack missing, he changed his story slightly saying he brought him a couple packs of the generic brand stuff that his boss had given to him in the past but that it didn't work as good as the real stuff and gave him headaches, so that was the pills he brought back to him. I questioned him about the 2 missing pills from last week, and he told me that he must have moved them downstairs into his gun safe (apparently that's where he keeps more Viagra?) because sometimes he takes them after working out at night before bed.

He has tried over the last couple days to reassure me that he would never cheat on me, that he wouldn't have married me if that was the case. That he would never jeopardize our marriage and our family. He said he is hurt and offended that I would jump to that conclusion. (Like who the heck wouldn't?!) I asked him why he hides them from me anyway, he said because he's still embarrassed and that it's private. I called him out saying that it seems as though it's only private from me but yet he can openly share and discuss with his boss?!?!

Ugh...I'm dying here. He doesn't really want to talk about it any further. He knows I'm still upset. I don't know what to think. I've been cheated on in past relationships, and have always looked back and realized that there was a moment when my gut knew what was going on but I ignored it and regretted it. Is this that moment of my marriage? I have shared all these thoughts with my husband over the last couple days. He seems annoyed that I can't get past it and that I have a shadow of doubt in his story. He said if I can't trust him then we have big problems and it just won't work. He said that he has given me no reason not to trust him.

What do y'all think?? Honest opinions and posts please!

HELP!

What I think is, this all sounds super fishy.

Like yeah, it's private and secret from you, but he openly discusses this with his boss? Um, who does that?

Have you snooped or seen anything else, like phone messages, or shady phone behavior (hiding his phone, silencing it, carrying it with him everywhere he goes)?

Years ago, I reached into my then-fiance's nightstand drawer to get a kleenex, and there was a grocery bag, through which I could see a box of condoms. We did not use condoms, as I was on the pill. I did the same as you, with the counting, and there were 4 condoms missing. There was a receipt in the bag, dated very recently. So I asked him about it, and he promptly produced the 4 missing condoms! They were in his dopp travel kit, as he had just returned from a trip. He said his "friend" might want them. Uh huh. Turns out, he brought them "just in case" he had an opportunity to use them, which he did not. Many years later (we broke up soon after this), it turns out, he was cheating on me all along.

Note: I'm not against snooping, if there is just cause. You have just cause.

Since the beginning of our relationship both of our phones are always locked. We do not share them with each other. We do not have a home computer, he has a work laptop which goes everywhere with him so he can work anytime/anywhere. His cell phone is always with him because he is pretty much on call for work 24/7. His cell phone is a work phone so I never see the bills, he makes so many calls for work I wouldn't even be able to tell if they were suspicious or not anyway. Also, his credit card statements do not get mailed out, he does everything with online banking, and so do I. I literally have NO other ways to find out what's going on, and have now blown my cover on the pill counting...lol

Ugh, that's my gut feeling: that one day I will find out for sure and I will look back and hate that I ignored my intuition again. I told him that, and he tries to assure me that it has never and will never happen...

Seems fishy to me too though....

How long has he been taking the Viagra and did you ever notice a difference in his performance? Was he having issues beforehand?

My understanding is that he would likely stay erect for hours at a time.

One would think that seeing you've been together for 7 years you two might have had a discussion had he been having performance issues.

Him taking it and not telling you seems odd. That and him hiding it, moving it from place to place and having to take it on a trip so you wouldn't find out seems odd too.

Now he's sharing it with his boss no less?

I hope I am wrong, but I agree with you. It seems fishy.

As far as I know he has been taking it for about 4 years or so...that's when I found out and he said he had been taking it for a little while. There were times that he couldn't keep hard during sex, but we didn't really discuss the problem because I knew he was embarrassed. I know he takes it when we have sex, but it doesn't cause him to stay hard for hours. And since I have known about it for years, why doesn't he just keep it in our bedroom where we keep the lube and what-not?? Why the need to always hide it from me? Even if he starts keeping it in our bedroom from now on, how will I know there isn't more of it in his gun safe or hiding somewhere else or in his truck or something??

I'm having such an inner battle with this....I keep going back and forth between "Oh God, my husband's obviously cheating on me" and "I'm crazy and I should trust him and he wants to reconnect with me".....so tough!! I'm so stressed over it I'm having a hard time sleeping and eating and trying to act happy and normal for my daughter....ugh.

I am so sorry. I can only imagine how distressing this is for you.

If you have no other means to collaborate his story, I'd ask him to keep them by the bedside and stop sharing them with coworkers.

That should stop the misunderstandings. I do not like that he changed up his story of sharing them with the boss, as if that's not outrageous enough.

Plausible, maybe. But still outrageous.

But I would also pay attention to any more things that don't add up.

I dated a guy for a short time who went on a fishing excursion with a stop over at a vacation style island. I picked him up from the port and he did his laundry at my house before

he went to work the following day. The next day I find an unused condom in my washing machine that much have been in his pocket. His excuse - that it was old and it must have

fallen out of his shaving kit. I dug back in the trash no knowing much about condoms, but they do have expiration dates. It was not an old condom by any means.

But that combined with some other things. . my gut was right. He had met someone on that trip.

But I couldn't just make the decision to walk based on the condom. There was a plausible explanation. It was the in addition to other things that didn't add up.

Well, there's some interesting things going on here. Your husband needs sex every day? That's pretty impressive for a 42-year-old guy. I'm wondering if he's one of those sexual addictive guys where he's also masturbating several times a day and he's using the Viagra to masturbate while he's on trips. (By the way, he wouldn't have an erection for hours. That's if you have a problem. The erection should go down soon after he's finished.) That could be why he's embarrassed to talk about this. You're considered a sex pervert if you're masturbating that often. I'm just throwing this out there because a lot more women think their man is cheating than there are men cheating.

I've already been on high alert to anything else that doesn't add up. But, like I said, his phone rings and dings at all hours of the day for work, and he keeps it with him all the time because of it. Even if he sets it down, it's password protected (so is mine) and always has been. And now, if there IS condoms or anything else that I haven't found, he will find a better way to hide it because he knows I'm uneasy about it. I wish I knew where his gun safe keys were so I could check in there...I could ask him when he gets home to show me, but he will likely get home while I am at work and be able to move anything beforehand. Guess I could ask him where the keys are because if he has nothing to hide I should be able to look in there...but he will probably tell me they are in his truck, which is not at home.

I have said to him that if there's anything going on to please just tell me, but he denies any of it...

Any ideas?!

Well, there's some interesting things going on here. Your husband needs sex every day? That's pretty impressive for a 42-year-old guy. I'm wondering if he's one of those sexual addictive guys where he's also masturbating several times a day and he's using the Viagra to masturbate while he's on trips. (By the way, he wouldn't have an erection for hours. That's if you have a problem. The erection should go down soon after he's finished.) That could be why he's embarrassed to talk about this. You're considered a sex pervert if you're masturbating that often. I'm just throwing this out there because a lot more women think their man is cheating than there are men cheating.

Call me naive . . .but can't you masturbate to completion without an erection?

I've already been on high alert to anything else that doesn't add up. But, like I said, his phone rings and dings at all hours of the day for work, and he keeps it with him all the time because of it. Even if he sets it down, it's password protected (so is mine) and always has been. And now, if there IS condoms or anything else that I haven't found, he will find a better way to hide it because he knows I'm uneasy about it. I wish I knew where his gun safe keys were so I could check in there...I could ask him when he gets home to show me, but he will likely get home while I am at work and be able to move anything beforehand. Guess I could ask him where the keys are because if he has nothing to hide I should be able to look in there...but he will probably tell me they are in his truck, which is not at home.

 

I have said to him that if there's anything going on to please just tell me, but he denies any of it...

 

Any ideas?!

I am just going to think out loud here. Based on everything you have told us . . if I were your husband I would agree that looking at it from another side - that combined, it all seems very suspicious. Even if it isn't. I don't know how you two interact with each other but still going on IF I were your husband, at this point I would offer you full access to see everything, from my phone, to my laptop, to my gun case. . if only a one time, unannounced peek at his inside world as a means to comfort you.

All of this just seems little over the top and not just a one time coincidence.

DanZee - I did think maybe he was using it to masturbate while away...but why wouldn't he tell me that to put my mind at ease if it was the truth? Better that than to think he is cheating. I also Googled it, and apparently men don't usually need it to masturbate...

As far as the sex everyday: He says he wants to keep me satisfied (I certainly do not need sex everyday and do it to keep HIM satisfied, I think we will have that conversation when he gets home next week) and that he needs that "release"....so I don't doubt he masturbates while he is away, but I'm not convinced he needs Viagra to do it....any men with experience want to weigh in on this?!

He can't tell you he's in viagra but his boss knows. I don't think so.

I'm sorry, but he is cheating on you. Please don't apologize for the snooping.

I would seek an attorney

You should try couples counselling. Sometimes the truth can get teased out that way. If you don't do something, you're going to be in trouble, as this level of distrust is not sustainable. I think the guy's gaslighting you.

Well, there's some interesting things going on here. Your husband needs sex every day? That's pretty impressive for a 42-year-old guy. I'm wondering if he's one of those sexual addictive guys where he's also masturbating several times a day and he's using the Viagra to masturbate while he's on trips. (By the way, he wouldn't have an erection for hours. That's if you have a problem. The erection should go down soon after he's finished.) That could be why he's embarrassed to talk about this. You're considered a sex pervert if you're masturbating that often. I'm just throwing this out there because a lot more women think their man is cheating than there are men cheating.

I am one of those guys too.

But do you have any issues with masturbation?

I do it make ends meet and my wife isn't available for sex everyday, with kids and job and everything.

But some guys do require it for masturbation. But honestly that doesn't explain all the gaps in your husbands story.

In my opinion it doesn't look good.

I think him cheating is BY FAR the most logical thing going on here.