BF/GF To FWB

I know couples have gone from FWB to BF/GF but what about the other way around? BF/GF to FWB.

Has anyone ever done this? Is this even possible?

Where you date for awhile, exclusively, but one or both realize there is no real emotional pull/connection but you really enjoy the sex?

Would it be inappropriate, or just wrong, to propose ending the dating arrangement, and begin an FWB type arrangement?

Just curious if anyone has ever done this and how it worked out.

Thanks!

I definitely made out with guys on a casual basis after we stopped dating but not with any regularity- it was fine and fun for what it was. It wasn't because of a lack of an emotional connection though -just one of those things where we weren't suited to be in a relationship but we'd meet up from time to time and fool around. I think it can work if both people want that arrangement, both are single and available and both are being honest with themselves. There's nothing to "begin" though -basically you break up and then ask if the other person would consider meeting up from time to time to have sex - I'd ask in advance because contact after you break up is awkward in the first place but contacting for that reason I would think would be even more awkward.

I would not put it as "I don't want us to be boyfriend girlfriend but would love for us to meet up as we do to have sex". I would be honest, end things because you don't see the relationship going anywhere for the long term, see how he reacts then if the reaction is stable/ok you can then bring up "but I'd be open to meeting up to have sex" or similar. I had that proposed to me -sort of -and I found it offensive and declined. On the other hand my ex and I met up again after breaking up -months later and after I'd ended things with the guy who wanted a sexual arrangement. We started seeing each other casually but we both wanted to see if we'd get back together -had we not both wanted to see if there was a future it wouldn't have worked for either of us.

Edited to add -not sure if you wanted input from people who hadn't attempted it but since I almost did figured I'd respond!

I've thought of it. One relationship in particular. We were so compatible sexually and had alot in common and had alot of fun together.

But he ended up being rather controlling at times and mean. (not my last one, but the one before that)

Before I ended it, I tried to figure out a way that we could just see each other at reduced capacity. Maybe once a month, fwb and fun things.

Skip all the heavy stuff that we couldn't seem to navigate. He was pretty liberal and probably would have been up for it. But I just didn't want to risk any misunderstandings. Then ending was hard enough. Trying to dial it down and do it differently seemed like a good idea at the time but not very realistic.

Now 3 years or more later, I've seen him a couple times and I think we could do the fwb thing. But I'm in a relationship now and the ex bf is just a little more kooky than before, so I wouldn't be willing to take that chance. It might be tempting though, but no.

Maybe it is possible but I think I'd need time to process the end of the committed relationship. Both of us with have to not have feelings for each other and be totally ok with the new situation and ready to accept if the other finds someone else and breaks it of.

Haven't done it. It the other person has feelings it will be impossible.

I've thought of it. One relationship in particular. We were so compatible sexually and had alot in common and had alot of fun together.

But he ended up being rather controlling at times and mean. (not my last one, but the one before that)

 

Before I ended it, I tried to figure out a way that we could just see each other at reduced capacity. Maybe once a month, fwb and fun things.

Skip all the heavy stuff that we couldn't seem to navigate. He was pretty liberal and probably would have been up for it. But I just didn't want to risk any misunderstandings. Then ending was hard enough. Trying to dial it down and do it differently seemed like a good idea at the time but not very realistic.

 

Now 3 years or more later, I've seen him a couple times and I think we could do the fwb thing. But I'm in a relationship now and the ex bf is just a little more kooky than before, so I wouldn't be willing to take that chance. It might be tempting though, but no.

How "kooky" is he?

How "kooky" is he?

Oh . .don't get me started. He was always curios about metaphysical stuff. I used to just humor him and change the subject

The last time I spoke with him he was channeling some guy in future 'Bashar'. .

Omg, I am cracking up.

I sure know how to pick'em :welcoming:

Why it can't be done? In any case, you have to discuss it with him. I would say that no guy in this world would have any objection but again everyone is different.

ENA has become a lot more liberal! lol!

Why it can't be done? In any case, you have to discuss it with him. I would say that no guy in this world would have any objection but again everyone is different.

 

ENA has become a lot more liberal! lol!

Thanks guys.

@dias, assuming the woman is the one proposing the change, I could see how a man may not want it if he has fallen in love with her and envisioned a future with her.

Same if the man proposed it and the woman had fallen in love with him or felt emotionally attached to him.

Of course it would have to be discussed and agreed upon beforehand!

Otherwise it's cheating, right? Not cool.

Oh . .don't get me started. He was always curios about metaphysical stuff. I used to just humor him and change the subject

The last time I spoke with him he was channeling some guy in future 'Bashar'. .

Omg, I am cracking up.

I sure know how to pick'em :welcoming:

LOL! I hear ya, sister!

Would only work, the FWB" arrangement "post-relationship" if BOTH of you are on the same emotional level about. If it is mutually agreed upon (sex only - no attachment) it will work for awhile. However, in most cases, I would think one of you always "wants more" and would want a return to the exclusive "relationship". So, short term, yes, long term, probably not. It is not uncommon for couples, post-break up to "hook up" occasionally with other. In fact it's very common.

 

Both of us with have to not have feelings for each other and be totally ok with the new situation and ready to accept if the other finds someone else and breaks it of.

Yeah I don't think it would work otherwise.

As you've probably guessed, I am contemplating proposing this to my bf; I don't have time to get into it all now, but basically after a little more than four months, I realize he's not the right "fit" for me for various reasons, but surprisingly I really enjoy the sex! So does he!

This is a new feeling/experience for me as I've never had sex, or even enjoyed it, outside a "relationship" (or potential RL) or had an "FWB," but life is full of changes, so thinking of ending the dating relationship, and proposing we become FWBs.

I have no idea how he will feel about it, but I suspect he'll be okay with it (I could be wrong, it's hard to know with him), otherwise I wouldn't even be thinking about this!

I'd just end the RL altogether.

Thanks guys.

 

@dias, assuming the woman is the one proposing the change, I could see how a man may not want it if he has fallen in love with her and envisioned a future with her.

 

Same if the man proposed it and the woman had fallen in love with him or felt emotionally attached to him.

 

Of course it would have to be discussed and agreed upon beforehand!

 

Otherwise it's cheating, right? Not cool.

Even if that's the case, I don't see how can a guy reject sex but i've never been to this kind of situation before so dunno... Yeah otherwise it's cheating.

But here would be the issue for me. .

Let's say he agrees to it. Are you going to have an issue when he's dating/having sex with others?

If you do, then it's not an FWB, it's more of a relationship.

I personally don't like to share :) So I would suck at FWB.

But here would be the issue for me. .

Let's say he agrees to it. Are you going to have an issue when he's dating/having sex with others?

If you do, then it's not an FWB, it's more of a relationship.

 

I personally don't like to share :) So I would suck at FWB.

Nope and I say that with 100% sincerity, otherwise I wouldn't even be thinking about proposing this!

There's just nothing "there" for me (emotionally) reinvent. What we do have going is occasional good fun (like friends do) and we always have mind blowing sex!

Because of the great sex, this confused me for awhile, but I've figured it all out now.

I know it sounds weird, but what can I say?

Plus, if we do this, what he does with other women is his business, what I do with other men is my business.

Although for me, if I were to meet a man I like, want to date and have sex with, I would cut our FWB arrangement off.

As for him, I honestly don't care and am being 100% truthful about that!

Of course would always use protection in case he is.

ETA: Oh I don't know, I have so many thoughts whirling around in my brain right now. I do know he's not the right man for me; I'm just wondering if this FWB thing would work; as I said I've never had one before, but given how I feel (or don't feel) AND the great sex, I'm thinking about it.

Probably a bad idea; I should just end the RL altogether. And spend time with my new Yorkie whom I'd rather be with anyway!

I think there's a huge risk that the sex won't be as good once you've told him you don't want to be with him other than sexually.

I mean, to each their own.

It's not for me, but not because I'm worried about catching feels that I don't do it... there's just no benefit for me in it. Now I'm not shy about admitting I may not be quite as monogamous at heart as most, so maybe that plays into it, but one of the few silver linings with a relationship of mine ending is that I get to have sex with new people again, so the purpose is kinda defeated.

Still, as more generalized advice, it's not something I'd ever suggest just based on the odds. At the end of the day, though, plenty of folks who are honest with themselves about their emotional boundaries around sex are able to pull it off just fine. More power to you if you're both down to give it a shot.

What I would do is be cautious with how you approach the idea as I'd argue it's almost inherently insulting to suggest to someone you're dumping that you two can continue to bang if they'd like. If I ever were to try to broach the idea with someone, it'd probably only be if I really felt both of us had mutually fallen out emotionally but still enjoyed each other physically.

 

Probably a bad idea; I should just end the RL altogether. And spend time with my new Yorkie whom I'd rather be with anyway!

At least for me, when there is that void I am more motivated to make a change.

If you kept him around for convenience you might not push yourself to get back out there.

 

What I would do is be cautious with how you approach the idea as I'd argue it's almost inherently insulting to suggest to someone you're dumping that you two can continue to bang if they'd like.

Great point, which is why I'm leaning more towards not proposing it and just ending the RL.

 

If I ever were to try to broach the idea with someone, it'd probably only be if I really felt both of us had mutually fallen out emotionally but still enjoyed each other physically.

Also a good point as these are my feelings, I have no idea how he feels. He's quite emotionally detached generally, so as I said it's really hard to know how he feels!

He's always been emotionally detached (a few of you know this already) but I didn't realize to what extent at first as there was (still is) a strong physical attraction and the sex is so hot!

So again confusing.

Anyway, thanks guys, I don't think I'm gonna propose it. Bottom line, it's really just not my nature. Probably never will be.

I'll just end it, probably this weekend. Yeah I'll miss the sex, but that's no reason to continue something I know in my heart just isn't "right."

Sad really cause I really liked him a lot at first, thought this had the potential to be something great and long lasting.

Oh well, such is life, and the good news is I learned something new about myself, which is always a positive!

First bolded, great point, which is why I'm leaning more towards not proposing it and just ending the RL.

 

Second bolded, also a good point as these are my feelings, I have no idea how he feels. He's quite emotionally detached generally, so as I said it's really hard to know how he feels!

 

He's always been emotionally detached but I didn't realize to what extent at first as there was (still is) a strong physical attraction and the sex is so hot!

 

So again confusing.

 

Anyway, thanks guys, I don't think I'm gonna propose it. Bottom line, it's really just not my nature. Probably never will be.

 

I'll just end it, probably this weekend. Yeah I'll miss the sex, but that's no reason to continue something I know in my heart just isn't "right."

 

Sad really cause I really liked him a lot at first, thought this had the potential to be something great and long lasting.

 

Oh well, such is life.

What does he say when you tell him you find him emotionally distant/detached around you? Have you had a direct convo about it? Were you at first attracted to his emotional detatchment?

Anyway, thanks guys, I don't think I'm gonna propose it. Bottom line, it's really just not my nature. Probably never will be.

 

I'll just end it, probably this weekend. Yeah I'll miss the sex, but that's no reason to continue something I know in my heart just isn't "right."

 

 

Oh well, such is life.

And you started this thread with good intentions....but your conservative side prevailed lol. Joking aside, if you don't feel it's right, it will be fairly obvious and it will not work anyways.

What does he say when you tell him you find him emotionally distant/detached around you? Have you had a direct convo about it? Were you at first attracted to his emotional detatchment?

Batya, I'm not one to complain to a man I'm dating about how detached he is. That's his nature for whatever reason; far be it for me to change a man's nature, who he is as a man, as a human being.

I either accept who he is or I don't, that's always been my attitude. He gives what's in his heart to give.

So no I have not discussed it with him. I suppose when I end things and he asks why, I will tell him. Not to complain, just to give him a reason why I don't think he's a good fit for me.

Another woman may appreciate his detachment, not to mention, with another woman he may NOT even be as emotionally detached with her. Perhaps she will bring something out of him emotionally that I'm not able to.

JMO but I think we all act a bit differently with different people. Some people bring good positive things out of us, others don't.

The dynamic changes in every RL, depending on the two people involved, at least that has been true in my RLs.

Batya, I'm not one to complain to a man I'm dating about how detached he is. That's his nature for whatever reason; far be it for me to change a man's nature, who he is as a man, as a human being.

 

I either accept who he is or I don't, that's always been my attitude. He gives what's in his heart to give.

 

So no I have not discussed it with him. I suppose when I end things and he asks why, I will tell him. Not to complain, just to give him a reason why I don't think he's a good fit for me.

 

Another woman may appreciate his detachment, not to mention, with another woman he may NOT even be as emotionally detached with her. Perhaps she will bring something out of him emotionally that I'm not able to.

 

JMO but I think we all act a bit differently with different people. Some people bring good positive things out of us, others don't.

 

The dynamic changes in every RL, depending on the two people involved, at least that has been true in my RLs.

I never suggested or would suggest complaining. I do suggest communicating concerns. I don't see what you're describing as necessarily who he is - people fluctuate in how/when/under what context they share, their needs for space, emotionally and literally etc. If it were me and I saw potential and this issue I would put the effort into getting to the bottom of it to know that I'd done all I can do. Be curious not furious. If his response is "it's just the way I am" then you know -or he might say "it takes me a long time to open up" -who knows what he'll say but to me there's no harm -and a lot of benefit - in asking. If you didn't like something he did sexually or wanted more of something sexually would you assume that it's just the way he is and you don't want to "complain" or would you communicate? Similar situation in what you describe, IMO.

I never suggested or would suggest complaining. I do suggest communicating concerns. I don't see what you're describing as necessarily who he is - people fluctuate in how/when/under what context they share, their needs for space, emotionally and literally etc. If it were me and I saw potential and this issue I would put the effort into getting to the bottom of it to know that I'd done all I can do. Be curious not furious. If his response is "it's just the way I am" then you know -or he might say "it takes me a long time to open up" -who knows what he'll say but to me there's no harm -and a lot of benefit - in asking. If you didn't like something he did sexually or wanted more of something sexually would you assume that it's just the way he is and you don't want to "complain" or would you communicate? Similar situation in what you describe, IMO.

It's not that he doesn't open up Batya or give me enough attention, I could work with that, and have.

I dunno, perhaps emotional detachment is the wrong phrasing.

More like lack of emotional intelligence. Like I could never imagine him on a forum like this giving advice, as an example.

He's incredibly book smart, a science freak, and excels intellectually in that area.

But when we talk and interact, at first I didn't notice so much, but emotionally he has no understanding of people, relationships, nuances, dynamics, or just basic human nature.

He's very one dimensional, lacks emotional depth.

How do you talk to a person about their lack of emotional intelligence or depth?

I wouldn't want to even if I could.

Look I didn't want to get into complaining about him, he's a great guy in many respects, just not for me.

It's not that he doesn't open up Batya or give me enough attention, I could work with that, and have.

 

I dunno, perhaps emotional detachment is the wrong phrasing.

 

More like lack of emotional intelligence. Like I could never imagine him on a forum like this giving advice, as an example.

 

He's incredibly book smart, a science freak, and excels intellectually in that area.

 

But when we talk and interact, at first I didn't notice so much, but emotionally he has no understanding of people, relationships, nuances, dynamics, or just basic human nature.

 

He's very one dimensional, lacks emotional depth.

 

How do you talk to a person about their lack of emotional intelligence or depth?

 

I wouldn't want to even if I could.

 

Look I didn't want to get into complaining about him, he's a great guy in many respects, just not for me.

Interesting observation. I work with doctors and generally speaking, they tend to be more cerebral than emotional.

There seems to be a some separation between common sense and book smarts as well. . as there was a time I was often called into the parking office because our doctors wouldn't

think to take the paper clip off the parking validation before they fed into the meter machine. Consequently breaking the machine. (we no longer paper clip the validations)