Commitment After 3 Years

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years now. We've lived together for almost a year and a half. First, I'll give you our backstory. We met in high school and started dating. He moved out of state for college and I was still in high school in our hometown. So we did the long distance thing- for about 2 years. It was hard but we managed. Constant FaceTime calls, plane tickets, and long road trips back and forth hundreds of miles. We were in love, and no distance could break that. I'd always had a lot of family problems, and at the end of my junior year in high school I was 17 and decided to move out of state, by myself, and in with my boyfriend. We had been together for a year and a half by then. We both were happy with the move, as we were tired of being away from each other. I started and finished my senior year while living with him. I've now graduated, and have a full-time job that pays pretty well considering I have no schooling beyond high school, and no certifications. He works full time as well and makes good money. It's been over three years and I still love him more than anything in this world, he's my best friend, and I truly believe I couldn't live without him. And I know he loves me as much as I love him. He doesn't verbally express it as much. but that's just him. I'm now 19 turning 20 and hes 21 turning 22. The thought of marriage has been in my mind for a long time now. I finally expressed it to him about 6 months ago, and he just said that he hadn't really thought about doing it soon. We've always talked about being together forever and getting married and having kids one day, but I meant like, now. And that's not something he'd thought about. But I can't pick his brain on the idea because he won't talk about his feelings, because he just is very easy going and doesn't worry or think about things too much, unlike me. So I've been talking about it more and more, and it's annoying him. He says it'll only be longer if I keep bothering him about it, and that when he does it'll just feel like he's doing it because I pressured him. And that's the last thing I want, but at the same time, I know if I don't ask about it I will constantly worry and feel unwanted, despite knowing the facts. I can blame that on my anxiety. People all around me I know that are around my age keep popping up engaged after only being together for about a year, and it's not the reason I wanna get married, but it does make me feel like crap because I've been with my boyfriend way longer and can't even get that type of commitment after everything I've put into and sacrificed for this relationship. I'd do it all over again for him though, I'd do anything for him. I'd never give an ultimatum. I'm not gonna leave if he doesn't do it by a certain time. He's my forever no matter what. But I feel like all the waiting and uncertainty is affecting me mentally. So I presented him with the idea of getting tiny-tiny-smaller-than-a-dime matching tattoos that represented us or our relationship. (I have a bunch, he doesn't have any but isn't opposed to getting one or some one day.) It's not marriage, but it's still a pretty permanent commitment that I thought he'd be willing to make to at least prove that he's in this for the long haul. he said "Maybe, but not anytime soon." Now I'm just crying because attempt after attempt he won't do anything to ease my constant worries that we won't be together forever. He knows my feelings, I am not afraid to express them to him. He knows about my constant struggle with anxiety about everything, especially the future, and he sympathizes. But this is important to me. Something at all. And please, no comments about how I'm "so young and have so much time" because that doesn't matter to me. I've had young friends die so many times. We never know when time is up and I don't wanna waste the best years of my life waiting and worrying if my boyfriend means it when he says he wants to be with me forever. I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking, but any helpful advice would be appreciated, if anyone actually reads this. Just no comments about living together being a commitment because I know it is, but I'm talking permanent, hard to remove, hard to take back commitment. I can leave any day I want. So no, living together isn't enough for me. Thanks for reading.

Why don’t you want to do schooling beyond high school?

Reply to @mustlovedogs : I still might, just not yet. I went through a lot of severe depression during my last years of high school which made me hate it. Feeling like it's impossible to get out of bed, but having to go because you've already missed 40 days for that same reason, really makes you hate the thing you have to get out of bed for, which was school for me. Still graduated, with honors, but still one of the worst times mentally in my life that I don't want to think about revisiting the idea of school of any kind at the moment.

Someone will be with you because they WANT to and not because they tattooed themselves or put a ring on it.

These things guarantee nothing. For that matter a marriage license won't guarantee that the person will always WANT to be with you.

No, you don't need to give him an ultimatum, but you do need to decide for yourself how long you are willing to stay in a situation that isn't working for you. You do have a choice here. You can tell him what you want and you two are either on the same page or you are not.

My guess is if you were to be a little more independent (while being in this relationship) maybe take classes in the evening and have some other outside interests you would feel a little more secure with yourself. That in turn would make you a more attractive partner and you wouldn't feel so insecure in this relationship. It appears you are overly dependent on this relationship and he probably feels it and is holding back.

Why aren't you pursuing higher education? You are really limiting yourself.

When education is your choice, it is much more fulfilling. Plus, you are able to focus on your area of interest.

Congrats on being an honors student.

Reply to @reinventmyself : I think I really agree with you on this. I've been struggling with being overly dependent on him, mostly emotionally. My therapist has talked with me on this too. My full-time job now helps a lot, with us being away a lot. He's also doing work trips in other states which means I'm doing things for myself, so we'll see where that goes. Thank you for your honesty

Reply to @Hollyj : Thank you! and the thought of all the tests and financial aid and applications and sooo sooooooooo many responsibilities on top of my job really makes me wanna cry. I just don't think I'm mentally in a place where I can handle that right now. I'm working with my psychologist and psychiatrist to get there, but I'm not ready for the added stress. Not to mention, I'm getting on-the-job training at my job (sales and marketing) which is really getting my foot in the door and giving me experience for what I really want to do as my career (marketing).

You've been living with him since you were in high school. Do you have your own apt/house? Do you both have your own cars? Do you both have secure full time jobs that you like and see going somewhere? He's 21 and most guys don't want to marry until they feel in the right place mentally, financially and in their careers.

As you can see the more you nag him the more he pulls away. It seems you are trying to destroy the relationship by doing this. Especially if you start manipulating him claiming it's causing you mental illness and stressing you out and crying etc. It's not about your age it's about using immature tactics like that. This alone reveals that you are not mature enough to make a legal commitment like marriage because you lack confidence in him, yourself and the relationship.

at the end of my junior year in high school I was 17 and decided to move out of state and in with my boyfriend. I'm now 19 and hes 21. The thought of marriage has been in my mind. I've been talking about it more and more

Reply to @Hollyj : Thank you! and the thought of all the tests and financial aid and applications and sooo sooooooooo many responsibilities on top of my job really makes me wanna cry. I just don't think I'm mentally in a place where I can handle that right now. I'm working with my psychologist and psychiatrist to get there, but I'm not ready for the added stress. Not to mention, I'm getting on-the-job training at my job (sales and marketing) which is really getting my foot in the door and giving me experience for what I really want to do as my career (marketing).

Consider that marriage and planning for marriage and starting a family can be just as or more stressful than pursuing higher education. From what I know of marketing you're not going to go far without a college degree.

My former best friend and her husband met when she was 15 and he 16. They got engaged when they were 19 and married at 21. Did not live together before marriage. Happily married for 30 years now. My good friend's daughter married at 18 and she's now 22, mom of two and happily married. Sure it can work when both people want it. I will say if you marry without having your own money/nest egg and without a degree, and given your mental health issues - that's kind of risky. He might think so too. If marriage is what you want and he doesn't then you two are incompatible. But consider that 3 years starting at age 17 is far different than when you start in your 20s, once you have a stable job with growth potential, an education and stability overall. Just consider it, thanks.

It so worth it! I went back a second time at 40, and never regretted it. The difference you will make in income will be considerable. I know that it is overwhelming, but I had women in my classes, who were working full time, attending school and had families at home. The short term commitment is worth a lifetime of benefit.

When you are in a better place, please consider it.

Glad that your job is allowing extra opportunity.

Especially if you start manipulating him claiming it's causing you mental illness and stressing you out and crying etc. It's not about your age it's about using immature tactics like that. This alone reveals that you are not mature enough to make a legal commitment like marriage because you lack confidence in him, yourself and the relationship.

We have a house, our own vehicles, our own full-time jobs. As far as manipulating him? Not sure what you're talking about. I never said it was CAUSING me mental illness. I HAVE mental illness. Which I've had the whole time we've been together. It's not an immature tactic. It's just how my mind works. Read up on depression and anxiety. I'm far more mature than most my age. But seriously, go read an article on depression and anxiety, and maybe you'll realize that I can't help but cry about everything, even if nothing's wrong. I can't help but to worry and stress, even though nothing's happened yet. Wiseman2 you don't seem as wise as you say.

But consider that 3 years starting at age 17 is far different than when you start in your 20s, once you have a stable job with growth potential, an education and stability overall. Just consider it, thanks.

We both have stable full-time jobs, several vehicles, and a home. I don't want kids anytime soon, either.

Nicole, are you taking medication?

Nicole, are you taking medication?

Yes. 50 mg Prozac everyday & currently working with my doc on others but some I try that are no good for me. But the Prozac is a miracle

I'm happy it's is working for you.

I worry you are letting this need to have your boyfriend get in the way of school.

I’m not claiming I was depressed, but when I was with my ex, I was not in a good place. Breaking up was great for me because he was bad for me.

It’s possible he is sabotaging your happiness by bringing out your insecurities. You need to focus on you and your future. There are people at the local universities you can help you navigate all the stressful stuff.

We both have stable full-time jobs, several vehicles, and a home. I don't want kids anytime soon, either.

Do you have savings of at least 6-9 months? What is the promotion potential at your job given that you have no post-high school education? How does he feel about having children including time line? How does your mental illness affect your ability to work full time, work predictably, work reliably? My parents were together for 5 years before getting married when she was 21 and he was 22. Why? So he could finish grad school and she could finish college. They were only married 62 years though so maybe not a good example lol(their marriage ended when he passed away and he had a mental illness for 60 plus years).

If he never wanted to marry you how long would you stay? Do you want a long engagement and what would that look like -would you plan the wedding date in advance or just refer to yourselves as engaged? Have you talked to a religious figure, a counselor, an objective third party, or even a financial counselor at your bank about your plans? Are you open to getting feedback from your therapist, from other professionals? What have you done to plan for the marriage? And I mean the marriage not the party to celebrate it.

Just because you live with someone doesn't mean they want to marry you or are ready to marry you. You followed this guy to another state without having a high school diploma. Where were your parents in this? or did you say and i didn't read. Where were you saying that you must graduate and that they won't stand to see you run after a guy???

He doesn't *owe* you marriage just because you are living with him.

You don't want to hear that you are "too young" --- but look at it this way - you are the age at which there are so many possibilities for you. You could get a certification, you could go to trade school to really be able to support yourself well - either whether you are on your own, or to help support a family. You could travel. You could bring your passion to anything. He may not feel ready to marry because there are things he wants to do before getting married or having kids. remember, that job could change at any time. do you have marketable skills where you could get another job if the company closed and pulled out of the area?

Yes. 50 mg Prozac everyday & currently working with my doc on others but some I try that are no good for me. But the Prozac is a miracle

Are you seeing just a general practitioner or do you also see a mental health care professional?

btw, when people say how long they have been together and they "should be married by now" i don't count the years when they were a teenager. I only count the years that they were a full on adult.