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Emma874

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Hi guys

 

I've been with my boyfriend 10 years but the last few years we've had a lot of ups and downs. Our life has become fairly routine and for a long time my boyfriend got so lazy with our relationship and I felt unwanted and unloved. For a long time now I have not felt physically attracted to him, although there are the odd periods when we do have sex because I want it but mostly it has felt more like an obligation. I have had two major periods of depression, I think related to this as I moved to be with him 6 years ago and feel like I have lost my sense of self and don't see my family and friends enough as I'm not close by anymore. I stuck by him because I love him and we have a house and pets and I never once looked at another guy that whole time. Also he is desperate for children but I don't see myself ever wanting to give birth, I would happily adopt though.

 

Last year I started liking my colleague and it completely bowled me over. We nearly kissed but I stopped it as I didn't want to cheat and he is in a long term relationship too. I confessed everything to my boyfriend and I wanted to break up but he didn't want to and I wasn't strong enough to follow it through...

 

I tried to be just friends with my colleague but I eventually realized that I was kidding myself and that it was messing with my head even more so I cut him off in a nice way, asking him to stop texting and be mindful of how he is with me. He went away on holiday for a month and life was so much easier, but he's back at work now and my feelings for him are still there. I can't avoid him at work and see him pretty much every day. I try to keep things professional but we're so similar in so many ways it's hard not to be drawn into longer conversations which remind me just how much I like him. As far as I'm aware he's happy with his girlfriend and I hold no hope of anything happening, but I just can't shake off these feelings. I thought it was a crush but maybe it's more as it's lasted so long?

 

Anyway I'm so confused as I have been trying with my boyfriend but if I have had feelings for someone else for a whole year is it time to end it? We have such a nice house and pets and I do love him, but I can't help questioning things....

 

HELP!!!

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Yes, it's beyond time to break up.

 

You care about him, but don't have the right feelings to make this a lifelong partnership. Your future goals are also not very compatible.

 

My only caution is don't break up and expect things to develop with your coworker. They might, but you might also find (as many do) that the crush has no long-term prospective. Break up with the expectation that you will be single for a while.

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Okay, I'm a little confused reading this. Have the other aspects of your relationship improved except for physical intimacy?

 

It seems like you are unhappy in your relationship. Neither of you seem to be getting your needs met. For you, that is spending time with family and friends. For him, that is having children (have you thought about the possibility of using a surrogate and IVF, if you can afford it?)

 

I think the intensity of the attraction for your colleague is largely to do with fantasy, since you are dissatisfied in your current relationship.

 

You should try and summarise/address the issues in your relationship with your partner. If you are unable to find a solution together that will restore the happiness in your relationship, then yes, I think you should break up.

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Sorry this is going on. There are a few layers here. One thing is some regret about missing your hometown/friends/family. Another is you and the live-in bf have entered the complacency zone. This isn't contentment or commitment or happiness, it's just inertia. This can begin to slide into resent and contempt with time over the sense of feeling trapped. That leads to the next layer, where this colleague comes in. He is a symptom, not a problem in itself. Most people regret not cutting their losses soon enough, not dragging along in a relationship on life support. Nothing will come of this coworker, however it is a wake up call.

Our life has become fairly routine and for a long time my boyfriend got so lazy with our relationship and I felt unwanted and unloved. For a long time now I have not felt physically attracted to him
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  • 2 weeks later...

It may be time to end things and move out and back to your hometown, family and friends. It's just not working and seems like resentful, complacent roommates.

the last few years we've had a lot of ups and downs. Our life has become fairly routine and for a long time my boyfriend got so lazy with our relationship and I felt unwanted and unloved. For a long time now I have not felt physically attracted to him. I have been trying with my boyfriend but if I have had feelings for someone else for a whole year
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You're feeling unfulfilled in your relationship which is why you're entertaining the thought of your coworker. You need to leave that alone, he's not single. You don't want to become the other woman, because rarely do they leave what they have for a girl who is willing to settle for being the side piece. They don't hold much respect for you when you agree to that, in general.

Have you talked to your BF about how you feel? Why is it that you lost the physical attraction? Long term relationships settle in and get comfortable, and people get lazy unfortunately. Guys forget that they should never stop dating you. Date nights are important. An overnight at a hotel, just because, for example. Maybe you can reignite feelings if you're just honest with him. You confessed and he didn't leave you. So he's very committed to you.

What's your issue with childbirth? Adoption is great, but why the fear of your own? That's a big issue.

You say you love him, your home, your pets. Make a list of pros and cons of staying vs ending this. Don't let fear be your driving force. Look at the list and ponder on it. What can be changed? What can't? What will make you happy? Are there changes you can both make? Don't just toss out that many years of building a life together when you might find a solution if you look deeper. You can leave, but make certain you won't regret it, because winning back an ex is very difficult. Good luck.

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