Partner keep lying. Sometimes very serious lies. Why?

My boyfriend and I have been together about 4 years. ... and he tells lies. Sure, don’t we all to some degree. But what is bothering me is sometimes the severity of the lies. Not just bothering me. But concerning me, because I’m questioning his character deep down.

First lie he told me was about where he lived. He first told me he lived alone in an apartment. But turned out he actually lived with his mum (which isn’t a big deal to me. Never was. And I made sure he knew it wasn’t an issue to me that he still lived with her) . He apologised for lying and said he did it because he felt too embarrassed to tell me that he still lived with his mum. I understood that and let it pass. A few months later, he told me he was packing up, ready to move into this new flat that he’d found. And he sent me photos of this “new place of his” . Photos of the bathroom. .. selfies in the bathroom mirror. ... photos of the lounge with his feet up on the couch.. so on.. Turned out that the place was actually his friends new flat and he was just there helping him to unpack and have a chat. This soon came to light, and he apologised again and said he’d lied for the same reason as before... he didn’t want me to see him “as a loser”.

Some months later, I was using his laptop and a notification popped up because he left himself logged into his emails. Long story short... it was from a beastality website. It was basically a forum where people chatted/exchanged videos and photos of ... stuff with animals. I brought it up with him a week later and he broke down into a fit of tears saying that he was on there to try and come to terms with abuse that happened to him as a child. Told me that his Uncle had sexually abused him and forced him to do things with animals. And he was sitting there bawling his eyes out, shaking, sobbing, saying he was broken and didn’t know what to do and he “knew his uncle was still abusing kids now” . It was only when I started pushing him to get police involved and/or his mother, that he told me it was all a lie and he’d never been abused. He was just on the site out of curiosity.

Now recently he’s told me that his best friends son had to be rushed into intensive care after the birth didn’t go right. When actually, the birth went fine and the baby was healthy and great.

It’s lies all the time. From ridiculous, stupid lies. To very serious, disturbing lies.. and it’s those that I’m worried about ... to lie about being sexually abused and a newborn baby being in a critical condition... for what reason would a grown 30+ year old man lie about these kind of things ???? What’s he trying to achieve here ?? Is he just deranged...? Considering leaving him to be honest because these kind of lies make me really question his character.

Hi ChildOfNight,

Based on what you have said, he definitely has a serious issue. The examples you give are disturbing (both the occasions of his lies, and the content), and in my opinion indicate some serious underlying issues. Given that he has continued to lie to you from the very beginning, despite being discovered on several occasions, and the fact he seems to have lied where there is no clear indication of gain (his friend's baby for example) indicates it may be pathological. I am sure there are other aspects of your relationship that are good (you have been together 4 years), but this is pretty serious and dangerous behaviour. He may be lying in other situations which put you at risk.

I think you do need to break up with him - you can support him if he is willing to seek help, but at this stage being involved with him is too risky. I think an uninvested friend would be much better able to help him (if he is genuinely able and willing to get help).

Good luck!

T

Your man has some serious mental issues, OP.

I'm sorry but I would not even consider staying one more day. He is a disturbed person with problems you cannot solve.

How have you been with this guy for 4 years? It sounds like you may have an emotinal dependency on him yourself. He lies for no reason, so how can you believe anything he says? How could you ever trust him? You need to save yourself and get out.

Is he just deranged...? Considering leaving him to be honest because these kind of lies make me really question his character.

I am surprised that it took you four years to get here.

He's got come serious issues and this type of personality has no conscience. People with no conscience have the capacity to be dangerous.

Sorry you are experiencing this. You need to leave and should question his character. He has many characteristics of a conman/sociopath. He's cunning and manipulative. He uses hard luck stories alternating with charm to con people. His emotions are shallow, yet he knows how to read others' very well.. He cons and lies for fun and to see how much he can get over on people. It's not about immaturity or profit in his case (unless he is still living off the mother or you). Cut your losses asap.

It’s lies all the time. From ridiculous, stupid lies. Considering leaving him to be honest because these kind of lies make me really question his character.

I would run away from him. It doesn't matter why he lies --- the fact is that you cannot trust him.

Now recently he’s told me that his best friends son had to be rushed into intensive care after the birth didn’t go right. When actually, the birth went fine and the baby was healthy and great.

That's downright pathological. he has nothing to gain by lying about that. even though its wrong, there are some lies people tell because they feel too humiliated to tell the truth - which at least is natural human nature and although unacceptable, a mentally healthy person has surely downplayed the truth about something in their life. But telling a lie like that it just rediculous.

Please leave this guy because you find out he is married to a woman in another state and is leading a double life.

btw, do you have proof he is living with mom (ie, you have been around to the house and met her)