Am I Wasting My Time?

This is going to be long so bare with me. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half.. granted we were “friends with benefits” for several months to start out and knew each other for several years before. I also used to work for his Mother briefly and have a really good friendship with her. We now currently live together.

To give you a little background.. I am 30 (31 in May) and he is 3 years younger than me. I am divorced. He has never really had a serious relationship before me. His longest relationship was about 3-4 months so he is kind of “inexperienced” (his words).

We had many conversations about what we wanted when we first started dating. I told him I wanted children and didn’t want to have any after 35. I also said I would never wait 5 years again for someone to marry me (like my ex husband). I know exactly what I want in life and I waned to be very clear so if it wasn’t what he wanted we could walk away from the get go. I feel like he’s maybe not sure what he wants sometimes even though he says he does.

We’ve had several conversations about the future and about 6 months ago he asked me how I felt about getting a joint bank account and combining some bills (cell phone and car insurance) after the New Year. I told him I would be ok with that considering we had conversations about marriage, etc and I felt like it was going there (obviously way dinner than it is). Well a few weeks ago I brought it up again to see when he was thinking about doing all of that bc he had not mentioned it again and he was real hesitant all of a sudden. He said that he had changed his mind and thought we should wait until we were married. I felt real confused and like I was getting mixed signals at that point. He assures me that he would never waste my time and if he didn’t think it was going there then he would just end it.

It really doesn’t help that everyone around us is either getting married or having kids. Two girls in our friend group had a baby recently, one more just found out that she’s pregnant and another just got engaged. Also, best friend is eloping to her boyfriend next year in Barbados and they’ve only been dating for a little over 6 months. How is it that a guy she hardly knows already knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with her but my boyfriend and I don’t even talk about future things anymore? Even my ex-husband is remarried with a new baby. I know I should be happy for each and every one of them and I am, but it’s hard not to be envious at the same time. Maybe I’m just impatient?

I feel like we are just in limbo and playing house at this point. Idk if I’m wasting my time or not?

Firstly, its not a smart idea to get joint bank accounts if you are not married (unless you have a business together). I think because you mentioned that "we are heading that way" he changed his mind after he thought about it. Agreeing to a bank account together to try gradually work your way to commitment doesn't work. If you want to get married, you don't move in with eachother in an open ended arrangement which you have. If you are 30, then you should well have been upfront that you don't live with someone unless there is a ring and a date.

I think that you need to forget about all these people that are getting married around you. Everyone does things at a different pace and afterall -- YOU were already married so the "everyone is getting married but me" doesn't apply = you went to the altar before they all did.

You ARE playing house because you allowed it to happen. If marriage is your goal and you have a strict timeline, you live by yourself so that if the guy doesn't turn out to be a match, you can next him and find someone who is.

We had many conversations about what we wanted when we first started dating. I told him I wanted children and didn’t want to have any after 35. I also said I would never wait 5 years again for someone to marry me (like my ex husband). I know exactly what I want in life and I waned to be very clear so if it wasn’t what he wanted we could walk away from the get go. I feel like he’s maybe not sure what he wants sometimes even though he says he does.

And were there any conversations where HE led the conversation on his own - or did you always direct it - state what you wanted and it was up to him to respond or be on the defensive?

Saying what you want when you first start dating is fine, but comparing this relationship with that of your ex is not the way to go.

You also have to allow him to lead some. You have said "i don't want to wait until i am 35 for kids and marriage" - then you have to let it go a bit on your end. There are 5 years in between there and now. You have only been dating a year and a half. That's not very long. Start thinking about what you are doing and decide what actions and part of your lifestyle encourage indefinite house playing and what behaviors equal being someone worth the wait. I would be quiet about it for the next six months. Zip. nada. See how the relationship goes and if he's someone you want to be married to for the rest of your life. Take the next year to investigate that on the inside and if he isn't, then leave and find someone new. But if he is that person, then you have to release him from the having to propose or marry you on your exacting timeline.

BTW

Thank you for the advice. You are exactly right about a lot of the things you said.

I have not always led the conversations about future commitments. He was usually the one to always bring them up actually.. then one day it just stopped and we didn’t have very many conversations anymore regarding the future.

I know not living with someone before you set a date or are actually married is the proper thing to do, but we both agreed that we wanted to live with the person first. I understand that we are playing house essentially and maybe we could have gone about it a different way.

I’m not trying to compare our relationship or him to that of my ex-husband, but I wanted to be honest up front that I did not want to wait as long as I did with the first one as it came up in conversation. He has a coworker that is in a long-term relationship of 4 years now. My boyfriend thinks it’s “crazy” that he hasn’t proposed yet and asked me how I felt about it. I realize that I have already been married. I’m just ready to start my life with the RIGHT person so I’m very anxious. I know that is not the way to win someone over and it’s certainly not fair to rush him.

Again, thank you for the advice. Some of what you said was very eye opening. I have not mentioned anything else about marriage since the conversation where he said he wanted to wait on combining things.

Thank you for the advice. You are exactly right about a lot of the things you said.

 

I have not always led the conversations about future commitments. He was usually the one to always bring them up actually.. then one day it just stopped and we didn’t have very many conversations anymore regarding the future.

 

I know not living with someone before you set a date or are actually married is the proper thing to do, but we both agreed that we wanted to live with the person first. I understand that we are playing house essentially and maybe we could have gone about it a different way.

 

I’m not trying to compare our relationship or him to that of my ex-husband, but I wanted to be honest up front that I did not want to wait as long as I did with the first one as it came up in conversation. He has a coworker that is in a long-term relationship of 4 years now. My boyfriend thinks it’s “crazy” that he hasn’t proposed yet and asked me how I felt about it. I realize that I have already been married. I’m just ready to start my life with the RIGHT person so I’m very anxious. I know that is not the way to win someone over and it’s certainly not fair to rush him.

 

Again, thank you for the advice. Some of what you said was very eye opening. I have not mentioned anything else about marriage since the conversation where he said he wanted to wait on combining things.

If marriage is your top priority, you can live separate, visit often, etc - that's what we did, and leave some things out that are things to look forward to for when you are married.

When you both said "we would want to live with someone first" what does that mean? how long? what are the terms?

you are comparing if you said "not like last time"

BTW, if you are divorced, are either of you of a faith that requires an annulment? I am guessing not because you are living together, but just asking. Have you discussed the nature of your divorce and is he comfortable with it? Have you dated other men in the meantime - so that he stood out from the pack versus "he'll do?"

you have to decide if the most important thing is to get married and have kids before 35 -- or to get married and have kids with HIM and make it for life. Just because you are ready to get married because you have done it before does not mean that he is at the point in his life where he is ready to get married. Every relationship works on its own timeline. He says its "Crazy" that he hasn't proposed yet -- well if you already live together, what motive does he have to propose unless he is burning to have kids quickly?

If your deadline is your deadline, i would give him some time with no pressure since you have talked about it a lot and decide when you are going to move on.

BTW, i think your anxiety to get married quickly is something he is seeing and you are driving this more than letting him propose when he is absolutely ready. Is there a way that you can make yourself less anxious?

I might consider moving out and saying that you realized it was not the right thing to live together before marriage. You may risk a breakup, but on the other hand, you lived together as per both of your requirements and this leaves you open for a proposal from him, to take the pressure off or to meet someone new if its not him. Don't be a lady in waiting.

Sorry this is happening. Are you living together? It would be best not to share an account. Unfortunately he doesn't seem on board with getting married or having kids any time soon. He may be right, it may be time to cut your losses.

He assures me that he would never waste my time and if he didn’t think it was going there then he would just end it. I feel like we are just in limbo and playing house at this point.

What I meant by “we both wanted to live together first” is that he and I both agree that you should live with someone before deciding to get married so you can really see how they are. I know that’s not how everyone else thinks and it’s not the “right” thing to do but that’s what we both believe. By doing so, I know that it’s not giving him any incentive to marry bc he’s already getting all of the benefits of a marriage. I understand that now. Our lease is up in July. I told him I was going to get my own place. He told me that didn’t make sense and that he didn’t want me to do that. So I’m not sure if I really should or just stay living together and see how things go over the next year.

I guess I am comparing by saying what I said but what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want my next marriage to be anything like my last, that’s all. My boyfriend knows my ex-husband and knows everything about our marriage/divorce. I’m not sure what you mean by annulment? My ex-husband and I were married too long to have done that. Also, I dated for a while before my current boyfriend and I got together. I feel in my heart that he’s the one. HE does stand out. I don’t want to get married just to be married bc I want this one to last a lifetime. I want to get married bc I love him and feel like I’m ready to make that step with him, not just bc everyone around us is or bc of any “deadline”. He’s my best friend. I’m honestly not trying to rush him that’s why I don’t bring it up to him. Any time we’ve ever had a discussion, he has led the conversation, not me. I don’t really have a deadline, I just don’t want to wait a super long time but I see what you mean by waiting when we are BOTH ready bc I DO want it to last a lifetime and not be about some deadline. Sure, I don’t want to have kids after 35 in fear of the possibility of health problems but I want him to ask me when HE’S ready and not bc of any of that.

My whole point was that I just feel like I have been getting a lot of mixed signals lately and I wanted an outsiders opinion.

Why does your boyfriend "know" your ex husband? With no children between the two of you - why is your ex close enough in your life for he and the boyfriend to know eachother?

I don’t think you are wasting your time based on what you’ve told, but it sounds like perhaps you are settling. Do your best to ignore what everyone else is doing. Many of their happy stories will change in time.

I agree with what others have suggested which is to stay together as dating but move out. You already know that you’re compatible to live together. That will take the pressure off of him and will enable him to ask you—if he’s going to. Also, even if you’re exclusive with him, you will be able to notice other men more readily in comparison. And if after a year , there is no progress, then it will be easier to break up with him, heal, and find a new man if you want.

Why does your boyfriend "know" your ex husband? With no children between the two of you - why is your ex close enough in your life for he and the boyfriend to know eachother?

Bc we lived a small town where everyone knew each other. They aren’t friends, just know of each other. Neither one of us live there now and don’t have contact.

I don’t think you are wasting your time based on what you’ve told, but it sounds like perhaps you are settling. Do your best to ignore what everyone else is doing. Many of their happy stories will change in time.

 

I agree with what others have suggested which is to stay together as dating but move out. You already know that you’re compatible to live together. That will take the pressure off of him and will enable him to ask you—if he’s going to. Also, even if you’re exclusive with him, you will be able to notice other men more readily in comparison. And if after a year , there is no progress, then it will be easier to break up with him, heal, and find a new man if you want.

I can agree with that. Thank you for the input.

OP, I lived with my ex for many years and we got engaged after 5.5 years together.

However, unlike you, *I* was the one who did not want marriage, HE did.

Why? Probably because since I didn't, there was no "pressure" to get married, which allowed him to move closer to me emotionally at his own pace.

It was also a challenge for him to convince me which *some* men need. He enjoyed and thrived on challenge so that dynamic worked quite well, and kept our RL alive and exciting.

On the other hand, I have a close gf who had been pressuring her BF to marry her since year one.

For YEARS he dug in his heels telling her "I'm not ready, maybe next year.."

This went on for almost three more years! Her pressuring and him not being ready, maybe next year.

They got into many arguments about it.

Everyone told her to cut her losses, he was never gonna marry her.

I even started a thread on another forum about it and virtually all the posters responded he would never marry her.

I and others advised her to back off, to STOP nagging him about it and just be happy with the RL. Which she started doing. She stopped pressuring him, never even brought it up.

Oh, and during this time, HE wanted her to move in with him, but no marriage. She refused and kept her own place.

Anyway, another year went by, and by now they had been dating almost four years.

But she continued to back off, never even brought it up.

So what happened? On her birthday almost 1.5 ago, he surprised her with engagement ring and they got married last December.

Bought a new house, adopted two dogs and are super happy!

Something to think about.

The thing about it is, I DON’T pressure him about marriage. We haven’t even talked about it unless HE brought it up so he has no reason to feel “nagged”. I have been considering moving out and getting my own place to see if this will encourage him to make a move or to see if it’s even really “meant to be”.

I started this thread bc I wanted others opinions on the mixed signals I was getting and if I was wasting my time.. not bc I pressure him. I appreciate the insightful comments. It definitely makes me think.

The thing about it is, I DON’T pressure him about marriage. We haven’t even talked about it unless HE brought it up so he has no reason to feel “nagged”. I have been considering moving out and getting my own place to see if this will encourage him to make a move or to see if it’s even really “meant to be”.

 

I started this thread bc I wanted others opinions on the mixed signals I was getting and if I was wasting my time.. not bc I pressure him. I appreciate the insightful comments. It definitely makes me think.

You may not verbally pressure him but your impatience may be showing in subtle ways that you are unaware of. You DID state to him at one point that you "don't want to wait until you are 35 to be married and have kids" of course as well. When people are overly eager for something or they have a ticking deadline that they have set, it DOES leak out

The thing about it is, I DON’T pressure him about marriage. We haven’t even talked about it unless HE brought it up so he has no reason to feel “nagged”. I have been considering moving out and getting my own place to see if this will encourage him to make a move or to see if it’s even really “meant to be”.

 

I started this thread bc I wanted others opinions on the mixed signals I was getting and if I was wasting my time.. not bc I pressure him. I appreciate the insightful comments. It definitely makes me think.

You are not getting mixed signals. you both wanted to live together - so you are living together. You were very clear on that one. There is no clarity in the beginning that living together meant that you would marry when the year was up after that happened. Where you are confused is that he doesn't automatically want to get married after beginning the step you deem as a step needed before marriage.

You can live with someone and have very different idea about what's going on. He thinks of it as a test, fun, sharing expenses where you may think of it as a commitment or prelude to marriage. That fact that after all this time all he offered was getting a joint account to make things cheaper/easier tells you a lot about what's on his mind.

You can live with someone and have very different idea about what's going on. He thinks of it as a test, fun, sharing expenses where you may think of it as a commitment or prelude to marriage. That fact that after all this time all he offered was getting a joint account to make things cheaper/easier tells you a lot about what's on his mind.

I find that women tend to think "okay we passed the X month/year mark, i have met the family, we have gone on a trip together, okay - its time to get married. Where is the proposal?" where the guys don't think that linearly. They may say to themselves "hold the phone, its only been a year, don't pop the question" but guys will propose when it feels right - when he feels in the right space in his job - there is not the uncertainty there, when it "feels" right. Living together is merely a qualifier - you both wanted to live together before marrying but that doesn't mean you will marry that person in the end. Or it may.

Honestly, have you really reviewed WHY you got divorced the first time and why the marriage didn't work to avoid repeating the same thing. and don't say "well, it took him 5 years to propose" - really, why did the marriage break down? If you can't say what that is and what your part in it was, then being so eager to beat the deadline of when you got married before has no validity. its not a race. In fact, as a person that was previously divorced, i took MORE time the second time around before marrying.

Absolutely, very astute post. Guys don't think in timelines and biological clocks but more so where am I financially and in my career/profession/life goals.

when he feels in the right space in his job - there is not the uncertainty there, when it "feels" right. Living together is merely a qualifier - you both wanted to live together before marrying but that doesn't mean you will marry that person in the end.

I’m not trying to argue here and I feel like instead of someone giving an opinion, I’m being attacked.

I agree with a lot of what you’re saying but some of it I don’t. I only shared with him that I would PREFER to not have kids after 35 bc of chances of health issues like DS, etc bc it was brought up. HE asked me about marriage and my preferred “life timeline”. I don’t drop subtle hints bc I’m not in a rush. Just bc I would PREFER something and feel like I am ready doesn’t mean that he is and that is fine. I love him. I want to spend my life with him and IF he feels the same way then he will ask me when he is ready.

I felt like I was getting mixed signals bc HE used to bring up marriage, kids, the future A LOT. He asked me what style ring I liked and what size I wear. He would just ask me random questions like that.. then one day it STOPPED. I have no idea why so I started feeling that maybe he changed his mind about how he felt about me. Since our lease was coming up I mentioned moving out so that maybe we could look at our relationship in a different perspective.

As far as my divorce, I went to therapy for that. I have dealt with it. We got divorced bc he had an affair with my best friend. They are now married and have a child together.

Absolutely, very astute post. Guys don't think in timelines and biological clocks but more so where am I financially and in my career/profession/life goals.

I definitely agree with you on this. He even mentioned that first thing when we got together.

The thing about it is, I DON’T pressure him about marriage. We haven’t even talked about it unless HE brought it up so he has no reason to feel “nagged”. I have been considering moving out and getting my own place to see if this will encourage him to make a move or to see if it’s even really “meant to be”.

 

I started this thread bc I wanted others opinions on the mixed signals I was getting and if I was wasting my time.. not bc I pressure him. I appreciate the insightful comments. It definitely makes me think.

I am confused. You said in your first post that he brought up joint bank account and you said you would consider assuming you were on the "marriage" track. You also mentioned something about not wanting to wait five years to get married.

But then he never mentioned after that, and you said YOU brought it up "again."

You said he became "hesitant" to discuss at all after that.

Which suggests that although your intention was *not* to pressure, nevertheless, he *felt* pressured.

I'm not attacking you, I just think it's important to own your own words.

I happen to think it's okay to continue living together, if you move out now he may interpret that as some sort of manipulation (to force him into making a decision). Which is actually the truth anyway.

This type of "strategy" to force a man's hand rarely, if ever, turns out well.

If you truly love *him* and not just want to be married cause all your friends are, my advice is to just stop thinking about it, stop talking about it, enjoy him, love him, enjoy the relationship and try to not succumb to societal pressure or concerning yourself with what other couples are doing.

When did he start talking like that and when did it stop? What was his response to talking about the end of the lease?

He asked me what style ring I liked and what size I wear. He would just ask me random questions like that.. then one day it STOPPED. Since our lease was coming up I mentioned moving out so that maybe we could look at our relationship in a different perspective.

I am confused. You said in your first post that he brought up joint bank account and you said you would consider assuming you were on the "marriage" track. You also mentioned something about not wanting to wait five years to get married.

 

But then he never mentioned after that, and you said YOU brought it up "again."

 

You said he became "hesitant" to discuss at all after that.

 

Which suggests that although your intention was *not* to pressure, nevertheless, he *felt* pressured.

 

I'm not attacking you, I just think it's important to own your own words.

 

I happen to think it's okay to continue living together, if you move out now he may interpret that as some sort of manipulation (to force him into making a decision). Which is actually the truth anyway.

 

This type of "strategy" to force a man's hand rarely, if ever, turns out well.

 

If you truly love *him* and not just want to be married cause all your friends are, my advice is to just stop thinking about it, stop talking about it, enjoy him, love him, enjoy the relationship and try to not succumb to societal pressure or concerning yourself with what other couples are doing.

I wasn’t referring to you when I said I felt attacked. I am owning my words and know what I have said but I think it’s getting taken out of context that’s all. I did bring up the joint account again, only bc he said he wanted to start it after the New Year so I brought it up again a couple of weeks ago and asked him WHEN he was thinking about doing it? At this point, I didn’t know he had changed his mind already bc he didn’t tell me until then. When he said he changed his mind, I said that was fine and probably a better idea to wait.

If you read any of my other posts, I talked about not wanting to wait “5 years” to get married again bc HE asked me what my ideal timeline was. He knew me when I was married and knew how long it was before my ex husband proposed to me. He said he doesn’t understand how I ever waited that long. My exact response was “I don’t know how I did either. I think you should know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone after a couple of years at least. I’ll never wait that long again.” I was being honest and don’t feel like what I said is wrong. Obviously, I did waste my time bc my marriage was a joke.

I’m not pushing him to do anything. I didn’t push him to move in with me. I didn’t bring up combing bills/accounts. I didn’t bring up marriage to him. I didn’t bring up kids. I never drop hints or make him feel pressured. I’m happy where things are. Sure, I do get a little jealous when I see my friends getting married and having kids but that’s not why I would marry him, if he was to ask. And I don’t have any “strategy” to making anyone marry me. I suggested moving out so he DOESN’T have to feel any pressure.

I am happy where things are in our relationship. I just wanted to know WHY I was getting mixed signals all of the sudden.

When did he start talking like that and when did it stop? What was his response to talking about the end of the lease?

He started talking like that just a few months after we started living together and it all stopped a couple of months ago (after he initially asked me about getting joint accounts). My only thought is that he started talking to friends and when they told him he should wait on the accounts, he started thinking about things. That’s when he started acting different. Which is why it makes no sense bc I’ve never pressured him about ANYTHING.

When I started looking at other places, he asked me what I was doing. I told him I was looking at getting a place by myself and he didn’t like that. He said “Why would you do that? I don’t want you to do that”.

He started talking like that just a few months after we started living together and it all stopped a couple of months ago (after he initially asked me about getting joint accounts). My only thought is that he started talking to friends and when they told him he should wait on the accounts, he started thinking about things. That’s when he started acting different. Which is why it makes no sense bc I’ve never pressured him about ANYTHING.

 

When I started looking at other places, he asked me what I was doing. I told him I was looking at getting a place by myself and he didn’t like that. He said “Why would you do that? I don’t want you to do that”.

This is what made everything stopped i am sure. You can only speculate about "friends" and also - guys don't always keep up a momentum. They might talk a lot about things and they stop talking about it because they have the info they need (what type of ring, your timeline) -- what more is there to talk about? Then he goes and lets the info simmer. It doesn't mean he proposes the next day.

I think that wasn't handled well. That was manipulative. You should have shown your hand and said "you know, i have been thinking, i know we both said we needed to live with someone before we got married. Okay, we lived together. I am thinking now that marriage is really important to me and would rather live separately until we got married instead of playing house and wondering what it means. The underhanded way to not have the talk would be if your parent was ill and you said you were going to live with them for X number of months. maybe someone can tell you a better thing to say but it is pretty passive aggressive to randomly state that you are looking at places. He DID tell you he does not want you to move out. Maybe drop it and have a real conversation with him saying that you feel that you are under a lot of pressure to be married and you are trying to deal with it. Maybe even try personal counseling to unravel this. y