My partner is addicted to his computer.

(23y/o female with boyfriend issues)

So a quick backstory of our relationship from day one until now (it's been a year and 6 months but we have known each other since we were 13 in school). I had met him in Secondary school, we were there for two years together before I moved away with family to Wales permanently. We briefly kept in touch through the years talking about our then relationships etc. However, we officially got back in touch and met up for the first time since school, since that one evening we have been inseperable. It didn't take me long to move in with him and his family, I think only 3 months. I am in and out of part time work, studying full time at University, he is in a job that he hates and can never find something he can commit to (therefore having an underlying unhappiness I feel).

At first he didn't really open up to me about how he was a 'computer gamer' and he just did it for fun or as a hobby etc. and in the first 6 months of us being together he would rarely go on his laptop to play games. I didn't really know how much of an obsession it was for him until recently, the last 3-4 months for me have been an ongoing battle with him. He will come home from his 9-5 job, open the laptop, play games until 2 or 3am (keeping me awake to the point I have had to resort to earplugs), go to sleep and repeat for the rest of the week.

I have been having a lot of hormonal issues recently as I have constantly been looking for the right choice of contraceptive pill for my body. This was already making me a living rollercoaster. I then had a miscarriage a few months back where my hormones were all over the place again from that, and now I am on Nexplanon implant so I feel like my body just hasn't had a break and my emotions are unbearable to the point that I will sit there for half an hour straight and just cry silently to myself.

I've tried so many (and I mean SO many) times to broach the subject of the computer obsession to him but this always ends with an argument. The reason for this is because I will give my reasons for not liking him being on the computer so much, and then he will say 'but what do you expect me to do instead' - and to that I honestly always have no answer, what do I say to this?! I feel bad because I feel like i'm trying to take away the one thing in his life which takes him away from reality - why should I do that to him?

I always reassure him that I will never leave and whatever the issue we will battle it out together, but it's all just getting too much for me as I realise more and more every day that it's a battle we might not ever win together. What do I do?! Or has anyone ever felt this helpless in a similar situation before?

You break your promise to never leave. He isn't going to suddenly turn into the partner you want. And he has no desire to. So you leave. That is what dating is for. As you got to know him better it became clear that you aren't compatible.

In order for him to change he has to want to. And he doesn't want to.

It would be best for you to move out. Can you move on campus with some roommates? This is most likely how he has been for a while and his parents tolerate it. He has no incentive to change.

It didn't take me long to move in with him and his family, I think only 3 months. I am in and out of part time work, studying full time at University

(23y/o female with boyfriend issues)

 

I always reassure him that I will never leave and whatever the issue we will battle it out together, but it's all just getting too much for me as I realise more and more every day that it's a battle we might not ever win together. What do I do?! Or has anyone ever felt this helpless in a similar situation before?

Assuming that another word for `battling it out' is compromising, right?

Because that's what couples do in successful relationships.

But there is no compromise going on here. He does something that causes you displeasure and he blocks any conversation about it and returns to the same thing.

Either you both compromise and come to an agreement or there is no point 'battling it out' - Because you two are only battling and then returning to do the same thing over and over.

since that one evening we have been inseperable

In this situation, there's a fine line between him being a genuine computer addict and the computer being his in-home retreat. Not stating it's for sure one or the other, just throwing it out there for consideration.

Do you have to live with him right now? I get you two have got a history, but moving in three months after rekindling things is much too soon.

Why wouldn't you know what to say to him when he said "what else do you expect me to do?" Surely the two of you have interests that you can pursue together? How about you see if you can get him to agree to not go on the computer three nights of the week (weekends and Wednesdays say) and during those days, you do something outside in the fresh air, or take up a hobby that you both can do together (ballroom dancing anyone? J/k) or you join a gym and the two of you go and work out together or, the two of you stay in, play a board game together, have a glass of wine (or whatever) and the winner gets to ask for the loser to do something sexy to them... anything other then him being computer junkie addicted to gaming while he ignores you and you feel ignored and resentful.

Revisit the conversation with a compromise of some sort if you don't use my suggestion and if he won't budge then get yourself away from him, heal and find a boyfriend worth being with... one that consistently shows you he values you and wants your company over that of strangers enjoying shooting up cartoon hookers or whatever other violent game he happens to be enthralled in ad nauseum.

Sounds awful You need to go. This is affecting your health, and doesn't sound like much of a relationship.

Why don't you just come up with something to do for the two of you? Seems like he is willing enough. Right now you have a situation where you are asking him to stop doing something, in exchange for nothing. I don't get it - find something you like to do together. Play games with him and see if you like it. Plenty of couples do that. Find something else to do - sports, hobby, volunteering. Don't just sit there and tell him you want him to quit his hobby and sit around with you doing nothing. That's never going to fly.