Super nice guy, but not enough chemistry?

OK, so I'm back in the dating world, after a breakup almost 7 months ago.

 

Put my profile back....actually did it shortly after the breakup, and had several meetings, before realizing that I was just not ready for the B.S. that comes along with online dating. So I removed the profiles, but now I'm back.

 

I've gotten a lot of emails, but most of them are garbage....the spam, the Nigerian money-grabbers, etc. Or guys where I'd have honestly zero connection.

 

But I had a nice meet with someone the other day. So nice, and he checks every single box I can think of. Total gentleman, messaged on the site for a bit, asked me to meet, he chose a place close to where I live (actually gave me 3 choices, which was so nice of him), he showed up about 15 minutes early to grab some seats, he walked me to my car, he asked me for a date, he texted me to confirm that he really enjoyed meeting me. Every. Single. Box. Oh, and he's cute, and he lives about 10 minutes from me. Divorced for many years now, definitely single. Check, check, check.

 

What's missing.....the chemistry. Like, I didn't drive away hoping I'd hear from him. I did text him back, as I figure it's definitely worth an actual date.

 

I'm used to the rush....the exhilaration. But that got me in the mess I was in with the last guy.

 

Anyone have any experience where they didn't feel chemistry, but it worked out?

Excellent! Ok try something different. Go for the slow burn rather than the sizzle n' fizzle. Enjoy the future date.

Personally, if I can't feel at least a few butterflies when there's all the novelty of meeting someone brand new, I don't bank on the chemistry developing any further down the road. That said, I do understand some people are into the whole on-the-fence-but-more-off-it-than-on second or third date to sorta vet a potential opportunity if they're not quite sure, and, objectively speaking, I can't say there's anything wrong with it. From what I gather from your posts, you don't strike me as the type to, but just make sure unsure dates don't turn into an unsure relationship. With the next date plan, just go in with an open mind and looking to have fun. Let us know how it goes.

Thanks for your responses.

 

I'm wondering if the butterflies I've felt from prior situations, like my ex, were more due to drama and chaos.

 

My life has been so quiet....eerily quiet....since I went NC.

 

It occurred to me that I have literally zero drama or issues in my own life. It was all him. I'm getting bored now, as I have to figure out what to focus on, as for so long, I focused on him, and who he was texting, what was he hiding, all that garbage. Now, it's just me, my friends, my job, my family, my reality tv (lol). None of that stuff in my own life causes any issues: health, finances, family, friends, work....all easy-peasy.

 

So I'm wondering if the lack of butterflies with this guy is simply a lack of drama and chaos. I mean, I could draw a great potential date, and he would be it. I just didn't have that "oooh, I can't wait to kiss him" thing. Hmmm.

 

Anyone have any experience where they didn't feel chemistry, but it worked out?

 

Yup, my husband. Zero feelings or attraction the first two years I knew him, then BAM, it was like a lightning bolt (a hot, fiery bolt!)

 

To be honest, if you want to know, you're gonna have to kiss him. Well, do you find him attractive, or did he make you feel like you were hanging out with your brother?

I spent a chaotic, drama filled life of 13 years with my ex-husband, so I totally get it! What I thought was just a really passionate love affair was co-dependency ALL THE WAY. I was almost addicted to the highs, so I tolerated the lows.

 

When I met my current boyfriend I felt very similar to you. We had a great first meeting! We met for coffee and could have talked for hours! But I left feeling just "meh". He was a great guy but I had gone on plenty of first dates with great guys. Almost none turned into 2nd dates.

 

Fast forward 11 months and I'm happier than I have ever been in a relationship. I absolutely love my "boring" life. Not to say that you shouldn't cut this one loose if you're really not feeling it, but maybe think about the reasons that you're not feeling this "chemistry".

do you find him attractive, or did he make you feel like you were hanging out with your brother?

 

I definitely found him attractive. We met for about 2 hours, and the longer we talked, the more attractive he became. He was open, easygoing, and a total gentleman.

 

Thank you for your feedback!

 

And thank you RetroMama77 as well, as it seems you know exactly what I'm feeling. Yep, it was co-dependent, addicted to the highs & lows. This one, just from this meeting, seems so.....normal.

 

When I first met the last guy, it was all butterflies and stomach flips. Within the first week, I found out things about him that should have stopped me in my tracks. This just feels....simpler.

i totally get not feeling it and not wanting to waste your time.

 

however!

 

I think it's a little bit too much pressure to expect chemistry in the first meeting. Of course there can be and you know right away.... but it takes me more than one interaction to decide.

 

if he checks all the boxes, isn't it worth a second date to be sure?

I had a similar experience to you, dated someone where there was lots of drama, chemistry, highs, lows, and it all crashed and burned. I took a long time off from the whole dating scene after that. When I returned I was very cautious as I did not want to go down that road again, I had learned my lesson.

 

I started talking to a man online and we chatted for a long time before we actually met because I prejudged and felt that he was not my type. We finally met and we had a really nice time. I didn't feel a spark at the start but I enjoyed his company very much so we got together once every couple of weeks and we did that for a few months, and nothing happened. I was still unsure.

 

And then, a year and a half ago we turned the corner and we have been together ever since. It is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in and there is no shortage of chemistry. I am so glad that I didn't let my prejudgement get the better of me and that I didn't walk away because it didn't look like what I thought it would look like right from the start.

 

I say, give it a go.

I have had chemistry develop with people over time (in any kind of relationship - friendships, attraction, etc)

 

For me at least, a lot of it is mental. If I allow myself to get excited, the chemistry appears.

I had a date with a nice guy a year ago. No chemistry and it made the date awkward to be honest. I felt like I was on a date with my brother!

 

I think he sounds like a good friend but you do need that initial spark for something more. You can have a spark and drama free relationship, just look for any little red flag right off the bat!

 

If you felt no excitement then it's probably best to just let him know that you two aren't a match.

 

Just because someone ticks all the boxes doesn't mean they are what you need and in this case want.

 

Don't mistake non drama for boredom.

I have a "three month rule" for jobs and dates.

Which is why I think many employers have a three month probation period for new hires.

 

So, I advise dating him a little longer (3 months/12 dates incl. intimate) to see if the spark comes in other ways.

I've had a good mix of dates.....

1) the passionate first few months that lead to nothing, and the

2) "we felt like we knew each other for years" comfort level which turned into satisfying LTR's.

 

Good luck!

Define chemistry. It sounds almost like you have chemistry confused with high intensity drama. Also, when you say things like that you are bored with your normal life.....you will inevitably end up getting with another psycho because he brings in the adrenaline rush you are craving. Consider that there are better ways to get your adrenaline hit - sports, hobbies. Find something to do that excites you and makes you feel alive at least an hour or two per day. Once you do that, you'll find that your interest in psychos drops to zero.

 

Anyway, chemistry to me is simply he is either doable or he isn't. Takes but a second to figure that out and for me personally, it doesn't change with time. Chemistry is a more physical, primal sort of a thing. It's either there or it isn't. However, in your case OP, I'd give things a few dates since you already know that your perceptions are skewed the wrong way.

I have a "three month rule" for jobs and dates.

Which is why I think many employers have a three month probation period for new hires.

 

So, I advise dating him a little longer (3 months/12 dates incl. intimate) to see if the spark comes in other ways.

I've had a good mix of dates.....

1) the passionate first few months that lead to nothing, and the

2) "we felt like we knew each other for years" comfort level which turned into satisfying LTR's.

 

Good luck!

 

That's a really good way to look at it. Giving it a certain period of time before making a snap decision. Very helpful, thanks!

 

Thanks to everyone who has responded, it's all so helpful!

It's just been my personal experience, that initial chemistry thing has gotten me into trouble every time.

I now look for some thing just as you described.

A nice person that checks all the boxes and the chemistry and connection builds over time.

I have a "three month rule" for jobs and dates.

Which is why I think many employers have a three month probation period for new hires.

 

So, I advise dating him a little longer (3 months/12 dates incl. intimate) to see if the spark comes in other ways.

I've had a good mix of dates.....

1) the passionate first few months that lead to nothing, and the

2) "we felt like we knew each other for years" comfort level which turned into satisfying LTR's.

 

Good luck!

i think three months and being intimate is too much time to be unsure... if I go a couple times and I'm not interested, I move on. and I'm definitely not being intimate with someone I'm not sure i even like.

 

i would like to think of someone is dating me consistently for 3 months they are attracted to me and like me. that doesn't mean we are serious about the future but, if you are truly unsure after a few dates, then don't string the person along.

My sincere hope is that we've just got different definitions of "chemistry," and that we're not talking people legitimately dating someone for months or even years without a genuine romantic inclination toward them-- and by them, I mean them, as in Scott, Peter, Jane, Rosa, and not essentially a mold that fits a checklist. Now if you're someone who comes from a culture of something like arranged marriage, where there is a strong and mutually understood implication that your romance will pretty much above all come as a product of time and labor, I can much better understand it. But, speaking personally, my conscience would rack me if I were sitting across the table on a third date, much less months or years into things, and I knew the woman was into me while I was still in some indefinite process of digging up chemistry toward her. And I pray if the roles were reversed, the lady would do me the very basic courtesy of a coup de grace.

 

Now if you wanna talk stages, such as knowing you like them and wanting to get to know them more for the enjoyment you felt with them then rather than basing it almost exclusively on how much you might enjoy being with them in the future, all while being grounded enough to not think immediately, "S/he's the one," of course give that "chemistry" time to evolve. But if there are seriously a bunch of people out there who, while looking at someone in the eyes, think "meh," and then look at a piece of paper with their stats and think "well... good enough," I'm about five seconds from calling every single friend I've got and telling them them to stop dating. There are cheaper and less time consuming options.

 

To again disclaim, I do realize some people will agree to less than enthusiastic 2nd or 3rd dates with the idea maybe there's something there that simply didn't come out during the first go. Not my style, but fair enough. I'd say do the guy or gal the favor of suggesting something light on their time and wallet, but otherwise, no harm in testing the waters. But going to the extreme it seems a few have isn't something I could advise in good conscience.

Besides. . that initial chemistry is often felt when there is something familiar about them, almost on a subconscious level.

From there we tend to project all sort of fantasy ideas about who they are and then we off to the races!

But in reality, we don't really know them. Not yet.

 

I agree with at 3 dates and nothing has changed, then reconsider.

But you had one date with this guy.

Nothing wrong with giving it another chance to see if there is something there.

I agree with what someone else said. You got more attracted the more time you spent. To me that sounds like chemistry.

I'm with Jman on this!

 

You really shouldn't settle just because on paper the person looks good but you just don't click in any other way. I don't think you need to fall head over heels at least have some excitement that paves way for wanting to see them again.

 

Lisa

I completely agree Jman!

 

I need chemistry in order to move forward with someone, and by chemistry I mean I am physically, spiritually and emotionally attracted to this person. That maybe they don't check every single box, but they check all of the important ones. I usually know after two or three dates if I want to move forward with developing a relationship with a person.

OK, so I'm back in the dating world, after a breakup almost 7 months ago.

 

Put my profile back....actually did it shortly after the breakup, and had several meetings, before realizing that I was just not ready for the B.S. that comes along with online dating. So I removed the profiles, but now I'm back.

 

I've gotten a lot of emails, but most of them are garbage....the spam, the Nigerian money-grabbers, etc. Or guys where I'd have honestly zero connection.

 

But I had a nice meet with someone the other day. So nice, and he checks every single box I can think of. Total gentleman, messaged on the site for a bit, asked me to meet, he chose a place close to where I live (actually gave me 3 choices, which was so nice of him), he showed up about 15 minutes early to grab some seats, he walked me to my car, he asked me for a date, he texted me to confirm that he really enjoyed meeting me. Every. Single. Box. Oh, and he's cute, and he lives about 10 minutes from me. Divorced for many years now, definitely single. Check, check, check.

 

What's missing.....the chemistry. Like, I didn't drive away hoping I'd hear from him. I did text him back, as I figure it's definitely worth an actual date.

 

I'm used to the rush....the exhilaration. But that got me in the mess I was in with the last guy.

 

Anyone have any experience where they didn't feel chemistry, but it worked out?

 

I always love this question.

 

Personally, it's only happened once. I was hanging around with a gal, I had no interest in initially. Then she kind of grew on me. Nothing happened ultimately.

 

I've exercised poor judgement in the past, because butterflies can make me stupid. For men, I call it, thinking with the small head, not the big head.

 

I've turned a lot of women, and I've been turned down by a lot of women, because of lack of chemistry. It's frustrating to meet someone that checks off all our boxes, but the spark isn't there.

 

Generally I think there needs to be a balance. Some sparks. Not so much you're an obedient lust puppy.

 

There were quite a few sparks with my current partner. She also checks off the boxes. It's rare, but I think I have the balance correct.

I've exercised poor judgement in the past, because butterflies can make me stupid.

 

Me too, Sportster, me too.

I definitely found him attractive. We met for about 2 hours, and the longer we talked, the more attractive he became. He was open, easygoing, and a total gentleman.

 

Thank you for your feedback!

 

And thank you RetroMama77 as well, as it seems you know exactly what I'm feeling. Yep, it was co-dependent, addicted to the highs & lows. This one, just from this meeting, seems so.....normal.

 

When I first met the last guy, it was all butterflies and stomach flips. Within the first week, I found out things about him that should have stopped me in my tracks. This just feels....simpler.

 

I agree with those who say to give it another few chances - my personal litmus test was that if by the 4th date I didn't desire to kiss him or enjoy kissing him, buh bye.

 

Is it possible that his "super nice" is too people pleasing/yes man type of behavior?

 

I met this really great person years ago at a wedding -she was very intelligent and pretty and told me that for the first 4 dates with her husband she liked him but not that way -they had a good time but no chemistry/romance. I believe they met at work. Then on date 4 or 5 - bam. When I met her they'd been married for a good couple of years.

Is it possible that his "super nice" is too people pleasing/yes man type of behavior?

 

Great question. In this case, no, I don't think so. He doesn't seem like a marshmallow type of guy, IYKWIM.

 

There's just so much online dating nonsense: they send one-word texts, they take days to respond to one text, they make plans but cancel at the last minute, they only want to meet near their part of town, etc.

 

This one just flowed exactly as I'd have written it, no nonsense. And I love his extra walking me to the car in the dark parking lot, as he was parked the opposite direction and he just said he wanted to make sure I got there safe. Classy move, dude.