She got to me

So after months of keeping my cool, I think my ex kind of got to me.

After a couple months of strict no contact, which included staying away from places where my ex and her new boyfriend (an ex of hers she went back to, I think) would be, I decided I had had enough and needed to start just living my life. We live in a small town, so it was either that or basically give up on social events. Details of that decision are here:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=547021

And look, I know I'm overthinking everything, but I've got to get it out somewhere.

So last night, I was sitting by myself, eating late (like real late) at a restaurant/bar which both she and I frequent. She used to work there in fact. That's kind of how we met.

Anyway, it was quiet, like I'm the only one in the place quiet, for quite a bit, then her best friend came in and sat down next to me. She was with her housemate and we chatted, mostly small talk, some stuff about how her housemate had a date coming up, etc . . . Her best friend talked about how she was recently single, etc . . . it was a dating conversation, you know?

Now, after months of ruminating and obsessing on my ex, much of which is documented on this site, I recently have started to become interested in another girl. The fact that this girl makes me nervous as all get out and I can't seem to do anything but be tongue tied around her is probably a worthy subject for a thread on how to approach a girl who makes you nervous. This is not to say I have forgotten my feelings for my ex, just that I had accepted the situation and could see there were other options out there. In fact, this is what I was talking to her best friend about -- how there was this girl I wanted to try to get a date with but who made me nervous -- when my ex walked in.

This was completely unexpected, not least because the door to the restaurant was locked and she would have had to call to get let in. But it wasn't too far out of the range of normal, as she was apparently there to pick up her W2. To the best of my knowledge, her boyfriend's band was playing at a bar in the same building, so the timing made sense.

As with all these interactions what happened next seemed to happen very fast.

I was immediately struck by how attractive she is. This is something I have come to understand is just going to happen. But my heart didn't jump, and I didn't feel nervous. I felt fine. Not thrilled, but fine.

So I don't have any idea who initiated it -- we both must have -- but the next thing I knew we were hugging. Not a false hug, but a real one.

"I realize this is awkward," she said, "But I miss you."

"I miss you too," I said.

Not so crazy about that, but whatever. It's true. I turned back around and sat down to finish eating while she picked up her W2 and talked to her friends. At some point she asked me if I was going to the bar where the music was playing. I said no.

Everyone parted amicably and after giving them a little lead time, I left to walk home.

Walking home, I heard the text message on my phone chime a few times and for a second I thought it was her, but I checked and it was another friend.

I got home and thought about the interaction. It wasn't all that bad, I decided, considering that I don't want to be awkward around her, and the "I miss you too," wasn't said out of desperation or anything like that. It was almost normal.

Almost. Because the truth is I am still not cool with her new relationship. It was too traumatic a break for me to really ever be cool with.

Anyway, I was pondering all this when I decided I should answer my friend's text. When I took out my phone, I saw that one of the messages that had come in indeed did come from her. She must have sent it in the twenty or so minutes between her leaving and my walking home.

It just said, "I will always be in love with you."

She's sent things kind of like this in the past, but not that direct, and until now I have answered precisely none of them. But now I was a little drunk and not thinking straight and I wasn't thinking about her boyfriend (I'm not sure she was either, come to think of it), or how badly things ended. I was just feeling what I felt when we hugged. That I really did miss her.

So I replied, "You too, baby. Sleep well whenever sleep finds you."

That's all.

I realize this is a long-winded way to tell such a short, non-eventful story, but I had to get it out. I am trying not to analyze it too much. I mean, I sent the text. I can't take it back, and texting anything further would only make it worse. But I can't help but think she finally got what she wanted from me. It's been months since we broke up. I have gotten my fair share of breadcrumb texts in that time. Not once did I give in. I have run into her a handful of times. Not once did I give away more than an inkling of my feelings.

Of course, the fact that so much time has gone by makes it a little more bearable. I was just thinking earlier that day how I was approaching indifference, how, in fact, had things not ended the way they did, I'd probably have been something like friends with her by now. But things ended as harshly as they could have and I will never really forget that.

So I kind of wish I hadn't given her the satisfaction of that reply. She charmed me and I fell for it.

I'm writing in here partially to keep me from writing anything else to her, you know, some kind of foolish attempt to water down the sentiment. I mean I more or less told her I would always be in love with her. And there is a part of me that maybe will, I don't know. There's a part of me that will always be angry at her too.

What I ought to be doing is figuring out how to ask this other girl out. That had been dominating my attention for a couple of weeks. Now here I am, overanalyzing texts.

So what do you all think? I could use any of your thoughts. They have been tremendously helpful in the past and for the most part kept me out of trouble as I grind my way through this recovery.

Plus, does anyone else think her text is an odd one to send when you have a boyfriend, or is that just me bugging?

How do you know the other girl? Do you run into her often? What about social media? Try to avoid hanging out in the bar where the ex and her bf work. Find new places to explore. It seems you made peace with the situation so now let it rest.

there was this girl I wanted to try to get a date with but who made me nervous I ought to be doing is figuring out how to ask this other girl out. That had been dominating my attention for a couple of weeks.

Good advice. But if I'd really have made peace with the situation, it wouldn't be bugging me.

I know the other girl from around. Like I said, it's a small town. I have always found her beguilingly attractive, but we have never been single at the same time. She's about six months out of a relationship as well, I think. Truth be told, she's not exactly bowling me over with signs of interest, but I know she's had a crush on me in the past, and vice versa. The other thing -- the thing with the ex -- still occupies an enormous amount of my thinking capacity, even if it is getting easier. Crushing on this girl is helping.

We have mutual friends and know each other just enough that it wouldn't be all that odd to approach her.

I'm not going to avoid the ex any longer, nor her boyfriend. I have to live my life and that is getting weird. I just wish I hadn't replied so enthusiastically to her text. It dings my pride.

awwwww Jack..... don't beat yourself up.

I don't think it's so bad. You were actually just mirroring what she said and wished her well.

As an outsider it didn't sound as desperate as you think... only you really know your feelings.....

From her perspective she's probably just focused on her own things, had a little bit to drink, saw you, & drunk texted.

don't go where you know she could be. focus on new girl.

if she texts you again, ignore her or ask her to stop for both your benefit. let her think whatever she wants. you are moving on... sure it's a trip at times but you are!

hey JoM,

This is an interesting development...

It may just be me, but surely the ex is way of of line to send you this;

It just said, "I will always be in love with you."

^ ^

Imagine that a current gf of yours sent that to an ex...

I think you handled it fine. Been split for 4 and a half months, haven't seen her for over 4 months.. no idea what I would say or do.

Hey sputnik123 . . .

I won't say or do anything, I don't think. It's just been bugging me. And part of it is exactly what you mentioned. I think it is very odd for her to send that text when she has a boyfriend. It makes me question what she was sending to him when we were together. But that's water under the bridge I suppose.

If there is a lesson beyond just pride here, I think it may be that she still has some power over me. I wouldn't have responded otherwise. And thanks too, Lambert . . . I sure hope there is something like moving on beginning to happen. God knows I've been getting sick of being hung up on this.

Why haven't you blocked her? Also, to go to her workplace to eat. C'mon. I'm sure there is more than one restaurant in town.

Didn't she cheat on you with the married guy? There is also a tremendous age difference (almost 25 years). I suggest that you find someone a little closer to your age.

If you had made "peace" you wouldn't be posting, nor responded to her text.. You should be honest with yourself.

Why haven't you blocked her? Also, to go to her workplace to eat. C'mon. I'm sure there is more than one restaurant in town.

 

Didn't she cheat on you with the married guy? There is also a tremendous age difference (almost 25 years). I suggest that you find someone a little closer to your age.

 

If you had made "peace" you wouldn't be posting, nor responded to her text.. You should be honest with yourself.

Um . . . I have blocked her everywhere except the phone. I've never blocked anyone on the phone and see no reason to start now.

The married guy is the ex I said she left me for. The girl I am interested in is much closer to my age, thank God. I had no intention of getting together with someone so much younger. I never pursued this girl, not before we were together, and not after. That was all her. Yes, I eventually gave in to her advances, but she was persistent to say the least. Not apologizing for anything here. But I just want to emphasize that is not my style. Feelings are feelings though, and once you are in them you are in.

Finally, I never said I made "peace". If you read what I said, you would see I said exactly the opposite, for the exact reasons you listed.

No offense, but I am being honest with myself. She doesn't work at that restaurant anymore, and I'd been going there for years before the brief period of time she did. If she still worked there, I wouldn't. Plus, I never said I made "peace". That was someone else, wishing me well, and I appreciate it. But if you read what I actually wrote, you would see that I said the opposite and for the same reasons you are insinuating I am somehow blind to.

What I was writing for was to process my feelings over exactly that fact.

I have ready your stories, there is a lot to them. What outcome are you looking for here?

Um . . . I have blocked her everywhere except the phone. I've never blocked anyone on the phone and see no reason to start now.

 

The married guy is the ex I said she left me for. The girl I am interested in is much closer to my age, thank God. I had no intention of getting together with someone so much younger. I never pursued this girl, not before we were together, and not after. That was all her. Yes, I eventually gave in to her advances, but she was persistent to say the least. Not apologizing for anything here. But I just want to emphasize that is not my style. Feelings are feelings though, and once you are in them you are in.

 

Finally, I never said I made "peace". If you read what I said, you would see I said exactly the opposite, for the exact reasons you listed.

 

No offense, but I am being honest with myself. She doesn't work at that restaurant anymore, and I'd been going there for years before the brief period of time she did. If she still worked there, I wouldn't. Plus, I never said I made "peace". That was someone else, wishing me well, and I appreciate it. But if you read what I actually wrote, you would see that I said the opposite and for the same reasons you are insinuating I am somehow blind to.

 

What I was writing for was to process my feelings over exactly that fact.

I misread the "peace" bit. Sorry.

I still don't get why you would go that restaurant other than to see her - main hang out for her and many memories. . And, it is clear that you need to block her, as we see what has happened. If she is blocked everywhere else, then why not the phone. C'mon. Time to move on!

How long did you date? I also don't think it is fair to date this other woman, as she will be a rebound. Your heart is not in the right place.

She left you and went to an old ex?

Then she is with him and sending you inappropriate texts?

She has quite the destructive relationship habits.

She very well could dump this guy and get back with you.

Only to dump you in a few month and go back to another ex.

For your sanity stay away from her. She doesn't know what she wants and it is probably changing constantly. She is very dangerious for your recovery.

I misread the "peace" bit. Sorry.

 

I still don't get why you would go that restaurant other than to see her - main hang out for her and many memories. . And, it is clear that you need to block her, as we see what has happened. If she is blocked everywhere else, then why not the phone. C'mon. Time to move on!

 

How long did you date? I also don't think it is fair to date this other woman, as she will be a rebound. Your heart is not in the right place.

We barely dated, frankly. Four months at most. That's what has been so frustrating. To be honest, I was always skeptical about the age difference. A lot of what I have written on these forums is me trying to think out loud about why such a short and unlikely romance should have such an outsize impact. The feedback I have gotten here has helped me see some of that more clearly. It is the specific way in which she left that hurt so much. I just didn't see it coming. [EDIT: If I am honest. It is also the age difference. Having the attention of such a young, smart, and beautiful (if confused and perhaps mentally unstable) woman was a profound distraction from your usual mid-life crisis.]

I go to that restaurant because frankly it was my main hangout before she was even around. it is the primary gathering spot for my social group, which she just happens to be on the fringes of. I didn't go there at all for about two months, while I was going through the real hard part. But to leave behind the place where most of my friends go to congregate would be a huge step backwards. In answer to hihavatar's question, what I am trying to do is heal up and not let this woman have so much power over my feelings. By and large, it is working, but there are occasional set-backs. I really did care for this woman. I have never had to just abandon someone I cared for before. But the restaurant, not going ever again would be allowing her to shape my life. It is the opposite I am after.

When I know she is going to be there, I don't go. I certainly don't seek her out, but there is only so long one can avoid something before it takes on a power of its own.

I brought that up in the thread previous to this one, that I felt the time for avoidance was over, that it was allowing something to take shape that did not need to exist, a chimera. Someone on that thread suggested "exposure therapy," as did my therapist. Making small inroads to sharing common space. Despite the fact that that has brought some temporary setbacks, I think the general trajectory is forward. I will not become indifferent to her by avoiding her forever.

I have moved on from many relationships and never once blocked someone on the phone. It just doesn't seem necessary. I block people on social media and the like because I don't want to be tempted to look into their lives or distort my own reality in the hopes that they see it. That seems dangerous. The phone I'll risk. I am trying to get over someone, not throw them away. Yes, it opens up the possibility of some risk and if it comes down to having to do it, I suppose I will.

I have thought too about this other woman, and the idea of her being a rebound. I don't want to do that to anyone, as I am pretty sure I got myself into the position I was in by being an unwitting rebound myself. For the moment though, I see no reason not to at least try to talk to her. I am alarmingly bad at it, for one thing, so the danger of her falling for me is low. But I like her, and she is not my ex. It just seems healthier to at least try. If we ever do go on a date and it goes well I am sure all of that kind of stuff will come up eventually. I am no longer heart broken, just frustrated and more than a bit ego-rattled. I have come to accept the fact that this will always hurt a bit, because of how it all went down. If I waited for that feeling to go away, I would never date again.

That said, I take your advice seriously. I don't want to mess with anyone. But trust me on this, I don't appear to be in any danger of succeeding on that front any time soon. It's just a pleasant feeling, to have a crush on someone else.

Ok it's fine to think of her as your midlife muse. But hanging out a few times doesn't make her the romance of a lifetime.

It's just a pleasant feeling, to have a crush on someone else.

Ok it's fine to think of her as your midlife muse. But hanging out a few times doesn't make her the romance of a lifetime.

I agree. Not by a long shot.

I don't see her as the romance of a lifetime, the ex. Not at all. And she was more of a bomb that went off once I let her into my heart that she was a muse. Mea culpa on that.

Or are you talking about the other girl?

I hope I am not being too confusing.

Lastly, the thing people are saying about her text being inappropriate. I am thinking a lot about that. Any time nostalgia starts to cast its dangerously flattering glow on things, I think about that.

If you are failing to move on for a longer period than you were together, this is a big problem. You also refuse to completely block her, and returning to your old haunts. You are hindering your progress.

She cheated on and left you for the ex. Now, she is sending inappropriate messages while she is involved with another. Plus, she is mentally unstable.

Stop making excuses and just block her. Also, you are not ready to date others. It is not fair to others!

I agree. Not by a long shot.

 

I don't see her as the romance of a lifetime, the ex. Not at all. And she was more of a bomb that went off once I let her into my heart that she was a muse. Mea culpa on that.

 

Or are you talking about the other girl?

 

I hope I am not being too confusing.

 

Lastly, the thing people are saying about her text being inappropriate. I am thinking a lot about that. Any time nostalgia starts to cast its dangerously flattering glow on things, I think about that.

She was sending identical texts to her ex while she was with you. Is that nostalgic?

She was sending identical texts to her ex while she was with you. Is that nostalgic?

That's not what I meant. I meant when I get to feeling nostalgic, I think about that text and how she was probably doing the same thing to me. Sorry if that came off wrong, but I am agreeing with you on that.

I don't agree about measuring the time it takes to get over someone against the time you were together though. Things take as long as they take. Clearly, there is more going on here that just getting over someone, but that's part of it.

No problem..

What does your therapist say about all of this?

No problem..

 

What does your therapist say about all of this?

More or less what I said above. He's not particularly concerned about the timeline and thinks there is more at issue, that this is a catalyst of some sort. He also is the one who suggested returning to my normal social circle and just seeing how it went. It was his judgement, and mine, that avoiding her was becoming a potentially bigger problem than running into her.

Not sure what he would think about the idea of dating anyone else right now, though. I haven't brought that up.

I should you should put yourself in the new girls shoes. Would you want to date someone that was still strongly hung up on an ex, and seeking therapy for it?

I should you should put yourself in the new girls shoes. Would you want to date someone that was still strongly hung up on an ex, and seeking therapy for it?

Fair point. But I am not seeking therapy just because of this romance. It was just something I decided was worth doing at this time, as there are a lot of things I want to think more clearly about. And I'm not sure if you caught this above, but this particular woman and I (the "new" one) have each independently had crushes on the other over the course of many years. We've just never been single at the same time.

I'm also only somewhat kidding when I say I am alarmingly bad at talking to her. This has been true for what seems like forever. But I do put myself in her shoes. I do. Right now I am just clumsily attempting to flirt with her. I think a lot about how other people feel. I like people and don't want to hurt anyone. I will certainly keep your points in mind if I ever manage to do more than put my foot in my mouth when I talk to her.

You do sound like a good guy. But, I think it might be good for you to put the sole focus on yourself, to work on your different issues.

Grrrrr . . .

Just a little venting. I just took a walk to go grab something to eat and a glass of wine, at that same bar. As I got close enough to see inside, I could see her and her friends sitting where I normally would, just hanging out.

So I kept on walking.

It makes me mad that I had to do that, but I don't want another interaction. It also makes me mad that she is there at all, because she knows that's where I go. I get that she is just living her life. I can't expect her to avoid the place on my account, but as I was saying . . . grrrr.

Hopefully, she didn't see me. I doubt she did. But it makes me feel a little bit like I am being cowardly. As I said when I started this thread, I do not want to avoid her forever. But I didn't want to deal with that tonight.

There's a part of me that wants to just go back, sit down and mind my business and do what I intended to do. The other part of me -- hopefully the smarter part -- thought no good could come of that, especially so soon after that recent exchange. So I'm going to go somewhere else where I don't know as many people. That's a bummer, because I wanted to socialize a bit.

So instead I walked around the block, stopped back home, and wrote this little frustrated note.

Now I am going to go back out, sit down somewhere else and have that glass of wine.

I am impatient for this period of giving a **** to come to an end.

 

So I kept on walking.... I am impatient for this period of giving a **** to come to an end.

Good. And do some more walking to speed things along. The day you really don't care if she's there is the day you should ask the other lady out.

PS: I don't block their phone numbers either - so if I see them calling I know not to answer.

I know people are going to let me have it for this, but I'm going to tell the story. I'll try to be brief (not my strong suit).

There was no follow-up interaction after that last exchange, and as I said, I dropped my intentions for the other girl because, really, I could tell she was not interested and I learned from mutual friends a number of things that suggested we were probably not such a good match, though she is drop dead gorgeous, a trait to which I am susceptible.

For reasons entirely my own I had been working on understanding my ex, trying to see how she could act the way she has without being a bad person. I know you or someone else said find your anger for this one and move on, but I found that anger was keeping me closer to the situation. The less angry I was, the less I thought about her and the less I worried about running into her, which, as you can probably guess from the tone of this post, I did.

The difference is this time I felt ready. I saw her approaching me and a group of our common friends and I wasn't worried at all. I just smiled said hello and continued talking to other people in the group. We were about to head into a bar and get a drink. One of my other friends asked her to join. She did. I'm not sure how much he knows about what went down between us. I think he just did it instinctively.

Anyway, at one point it became obvious to me that she wanted to talk to me and we fell into what was our first real conversation since the breakup, meaning we didn't avoid any topics, nor pursue them too much. To be honest it was easy and sincere.

Too easy.

At some point she suggested talking somewhere else, like my place (yes, she suggested this) and I said sure.

This is not going exactly where you think, but it mostly is.

We talked some more. She obviously wanted to explain herself, but I told her I didn't really feel like talking about the breakup. Nonetheless she revealed that she was now living by herself in another town. She mentioned that she always maintained friendships with people she dated. I told her that was just not us, and she agreed.

She mentioned something about worrying that I could never trust her again, and I think I said I don't know.

But then it got back to saying how we missed each other and then we were kissing. No smash your face into each other kissing, but kissing for real. I will admit I was being intentionally charming. I didn't ask her whether or not she was still dating the other guy. For his sake, I hope not, but who knows?

This went on for a bit and it got pretty late and she said she should probably go. This is when, under different circumstances, I would have said, "You don't have to." But I walked her outside to her car, kissed her a few more times, and said goodbye.

I have done nothing since. Neither has she.

I suspect she is probably still seeing the other guy, as every other time we have had any kind of contact at all she has sent me texts of the "I love you and I miss you" nature, and then this happens and she sends nothing?

I think she got herself in over her head.

You have to trust me when I say the conversation was sincere. I don't think she meant to manipulate me consciously. I do however think there is something she gets from me that maybe this other guy doesn't give her, just as there is something she gets from him that I don't give her.

I am oddly okay, though clearly I have wandered onto some thin ice.

She seemed to want me to understand that she was confused about a lot of things when we broke up, that she felt lost. She also seemed to want me to know she wished I had fought for her more. That last part I don't agree with and I told her as much. When a woman says they want to stop being intimate with you and start being intimate with another man, what the hell else are you supposed to do but walk away?

Today I have been fighting off the urge -- again -- to text her. To say something like, "I'm glad we talked. Maybe some other time when no-one's been drinking we can try that again."

But then I think well that sounds pathetic, like all she had to do was snap her fingers and there I am again. So I've done nothing.

I am nervous about what I might have done here. I don't feel all that bad about it from the perspective of her relationship, if she is still in one. That's ego. That's me not giving the other guy respect because he didn't respect me. I should work past that.

I probably could have slept with her. And there was a part of me that thought if that situation ever came up, I would do it and then leave her, so she could feel what it was like. But I decided I don't want to be that person, and also I don't think I would really be able to keep my feelings out of it.

As it is, things were left in mid-air. Part of me knew something like this would eventually happen, because in my experience it almost always does.

I wonder what she is thinking. I wonder what she WAS thinking. I bet she is nervous too, especially if she is still seeing that dude.