Disrespectful Adult daughter

My adult daughter is 34 years old and has a 6 year old son.

From the time she was three, she has been very difficult to manage and control.

She has been in therapy and was diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder.

I think she is bipolar, but as far as I know, she has not been diagnosed as such.

She has an aggressive personality and loses her temper over minor issues.

She almost lost custody of her son because of her anger issues, but agreed to attend anger

management and was able to keep custody of him.

She is a single mom and has a lot on her plate. I am not making excuses for her,

I know all about this as I have a lot on my plate as I suffer with chronic pain and take

care of my dad full time without a break or a day off, for the last 10 years.

Now, that brings me to why I am writing....

She called me today to tell me she was feeling ill. I told her that I hoped she didn't have

the flu and as I started to ask her about her symptoms, there was what I thought, a drop call.

Suddenly she was gone. I promptly called her back and before I could say "what happened", she

yelled into the phone, " I told you I can't talk now, I have to go" and she hung up.

About 5 minutes later, she called me back and started to tell me that she may have to go to the hospital,

because the clinic was closed for lunch.

I said to her, that I never heard her tell me that she had to go and that I did not like the way she talked to me.

I told her that maybe her dad allows her to talk to her that way, but I am still her mom and that it was inappropriate.

Then she told me to go F**k myself and hung up.

Okay ladies and gents.........I have been down this road with her before. I am running out of ideas as to how to get her

to be respectful. I am not a perfect person or a perfect mom, but there is one thing I never do and that is, I have never

used profanity when I discipline my daughter and she did not grow up in a home where profanity was used. However, after

her dad and I divorced, I noticed that both my exhusband and daughter would use profanity when they get angry.

When she is mad at me, she will not allow me to talk to my grandson. I told her that it is wrong and that she should not

use him as a pawn. It is important that he be allowed to have a relationship with me despite the issues we are having.

But right now, I am deeply hurt by her actions. My mother is deceased and I miss her very much. We had a loving relationship and

not once in all my life did I show any disrespect to my mom. I thought I set a good example. I guess it wasn't good enough.

I know I have to do something to let her know what she did was wrong and will no longer be tolerated. But I am not sure what will

work. Please advise.......

I think that your 34 year old daughter is beyond your reproach for corrective actions.

She knows she is disrespectful. She does it anyways. There is nothing you can do to try to adjust her behavior now.

She doesn't need her dad to teach her to use profanity. Our society does that fine, really no way to be sure or know it was him.

If my mom tried to discipline me at my age(30) I would just blow it off and ignore her. I might even laugh.

Your daughter has decided to withhold your grandson from you. It isn't right but it IS something she can do, and you have no recourse.

If every time you attempt to discipline your adult daughter she withholds her son from you I would say you two are on about equal mature footing.

Unfortunately you are over enmeshed and continue to use her as a pawn in your bitterness about your ex. Keep her father out of the conversation. It would be best to stop playing victim/martyr. Keep conversations brief and on topic. For example why ask her about flu symptoms? You're not a doctor. She was trying to inform you that she was going to go to seek medical attention. Hopefully neither of you are dependent on controlled substances for chronic pain or using other drugs or alcohol. All you can do is get more support for yourself.

The child's mother has the right to determine who the child interacts with. It's a shame for the child that the ongoing antagonistic relationship between you and your daughter confuses him and impacts him. However as long as you point fingers at her being the black sheep without some personal reflection about your role the drama will continue. You can't change her. You can only change how you interact through insight and therapy for yourself.

I told her that maybe her dad allows her to talk to her that way, but I am still her mom and that it was inappropriate. Then she told me to go F**k myself and hung up.

If she mouths you off you just hang up on her. When she was want to be an adult she can talk to you. About your grandson you’ll probably have to wait until he’s an adult to have a relationship with him . She doesn’t realize is kids grow up .

Most adults don't respond well to being fingerwagged as though they are 12. This doesn't excuse daughter's behavior, but it's a caution against lecturing her because it won't get you what you want.

If you want respect, you'll need to demonstrate the respectful behavior you want in return. Plowing daughter with admonition only lays a battlefield, and as you've noticed, it only provokes her into retaliation.

The best advice I've heard for dealing with family members is to speak to them as you would a neighbor or a distant cousin. This breaks old habits of 'parenting' adult offspring: you wouldn't use the same tone or take the same liberties with any other adult, and so it censors your habitual ways of pressing the wrong buttons.

Does this mean that daughter is ever justified in mistreating you? No, but if a neighbor ever phoned me told me about their illness (or anything else), I'd skip the diagnosis and I'd ask them how I can help. I'd make my rule of thumb to keep the word 'should' out of my vocabulary, because 'shoulding' on anyone is disrespectful at the gate. It sets the wrong tone, and then it's all downhill from there.

So if I wanted to set the tone for an apology from daughter, I'd start by apologizing myself. I'd skip the expectations about how daughter 'should' behave, and I'd change the dynamics of our relationship by keeping MY side of every convo within the scope of what I'd say to any other adult. I'd start by offering, "I love you, I'm sorry for how I handled our conversation. I hope you'll let me make it up to you..." and skip the accusations. Daughter will either respond well, neutrally or badly, but you'll know that you've started turning the big ship around by keeping your focus squarely on your own behavior.

Change is incremental and begins with a focus on what we CAN change, and that's us.

Head high.

I didn't lecture her. I calmly but firmly told her as I stated above, "that maybe her dad allows her to talk to him that way, but I am her mom and that it is inappropriate." I agree that I should not bring her dad into the mix, but what confuses me here is that it seems that the responses from you are for me to do absolutely nothing. Seraphim told me to hang up. I have done that so many times, but before I do that, I warn her that if she continues to disrespect me, I will hang up. That doesn't work either. She probably thinks, SO WHAT!

I think there should be consequences for her actions. I know she is over 21 and my days of "parenting and correcting misbehavior" are over.

I am trying to stand up for myself. I don't yell, I don't scream, I don't threaten........I try to talk to her like I would talk to anyone. Over the years, I have been hit, kicked, slapped and yelled at....in one instance, because I wasn't driving fast enough to get her to the drug store.

She needs to learn consequences for her actions. I am struggling to find what works and how to make this better.

Typically during a conversation, the minute she begins to insult or disrespect me, I hang up. About one month later, she will call me and act like nothing happened. I am still hurting from the insults. I keep hoping she will realize that she did wrong and apologize. She never does. I can't make her apologize, I know that. I am tired of being her whipping post.

I didn't lecture her. I calmly but firmly told her as I stated above, "that maybe her dad allows her to talk to him that way, but I am her mom and that it is inappropriate."

While I completely agree with you that she sounds like an extremely difficult person to deal with, you should never ever ever mention her dad. She could steal from him, lie to him, be as mean as a yard dog to him, but that's his business.

I also agree with others who said that she told you she isn't feeling well and you could have handled that better. When someone says they aren't feeling well, what they are looking for is validation and comfort. Not a non-doctor diagnostic. A little "there there, honey, how can I help?" goes a long way vs. the 20 questions. I know you feel you were trying to help, but I believe she was looking for help from you in a motherly way, not a clinical one.

If she hasn't learned of the consequences of her actions by 35 then the only person who is going to make her "wake up" to them is herself. Definately not you.

You need to understand what is in your realm of control. You cannot control ANYTHING in regards to your daughter.

You can only control how you deal with her crap.

By all means, tell her how you feel. But it is obviously by your tone (I think) that you seek to correct her behavior. That is NOT going to happen.

If she is disrespectful hang up, for sure.

But you are beating yourself up over something impossible to counter. You have a rude and disrespectful daughter. Accept it. It is too late to change that.

But at least you don't have to let her beat up on you.

If she hasn't learned of the consequences of her actions by 35 then the only person who is going to make her "wake up" to them is herself. Definately not you.

 

You need to understand what is in your realm of control. You cannot control ANYTHING in regards to your daughter.

 

You can only control how you deal with her crap.

 

By all means, tell her how you feel. But it is obviously by your tone (I think) that you seek to correct her behavior. That is NOT going to happen.

 

If she is disrespectful hang up, for sure.

 

But you are beating yourself up over something impossible to counter. You have a rude and disrespectful daughter. Accept it. It is too late to change that.

 

But at least you don't have to let her beat up on you.

Great advice!

I didn't lecture her. I calmly but firmly told her as I stated above, "that maybe her dad allows her to talk to him that way, but I am her mom and that it is inappropriate." I agree that I should not bring her dad into the mix, but what confuses me here is that it seems that the responses from you are for me to do absolutely nothing. Seraphim told me to hang up. I have done that so many times, but before I do that, I warn her that if she continues to disrespect me, I will hang up. That doesn't work either. She probably thinks, SO WHAT!

I think there should be consequences for her actions. I know she is over 21 and my days of "parenting and correcting misbehavior" are over.

I am trying to stand up for myself. I don't yell, I don't scream, I don't threaten........I try to talk to her like I would talk to anyone. Over the years, I have been hit, kicked, slapped and yelled at....in one instance, because I wasn't driving fast enough to get her to the drug store.

She needs to learn consequences for her actions. I am struggling to find what works and how to make this better.

 

Typically during a conversation, the minute she begins to insult or disrespect me, I hang up. About one month later, she will call me and act like nothing happened. I am still hurting from the insults. I keep hoping she will realize that she did wrong and apologize. She never does. I can't make her apologize, I know that. I am tired of being her whipping post.

She has an "ism" called oppositional defiant disorder and if she's still not in therapy to help her curtail her anger then this is who she is and it won't get better without professional help. So: Maybe it would be a good idea for you to get into therapy and hopefully, your therapist and you will be able to come up with a plan on how to navigate the rough waters of your daughters condition and the rude and insensitive way she (apparently) only knows how to relate.

I don't agree with hanging up on her because you're just teaching her that that is acceptable behaviour. She hung up on you and I'm sure you weren't happy with the feeling that type of rudeness evokes. Instead just calmly tell her you'll talk to her later and then say your goodbyes.

Don't hope for anything from her and instead get help to overcome what may be your denial about her condition and your expectations of her that she'll likely never be able to meet.

She has an "ism" called oppositional defiant disorder and if she's still not in therapy to help her curtail her anger then this is who she is and it won't get better without professional help. So: Maybe it would be a good idea for you to get into therapy and hopefully, your therapist and you will be able to come up with a plan on how to navigate the rough waters of your daughters condition and the rude and insensitive way she (apparently) only knows how to relate.

 

I don't agree with hanging up on her because you're just teaching her that that is acceptable behaviour. She hung up on you and I'm sure you weren't happy with the feeling that type of rudeness evokes. Instead just calmly tell her you'll talk to her later and then say your goodbyes.

 

Don't hope for anything from her and instead get help to overcome what may be your denial about her condition and your expectations of her that she'll likely never be able to meet.

If her daughter is screaming profanity at her on the phone why in the world would she not hang up?

No one should have to sit through that.

My advice is not to do the very thing her daughter did to her which she is here complaining about. Two wrongs never make a right. This is why I suggest she talk to a therapist so that she get the proper advice on how to handle her daughter and she knows completely what her daughter is and isn't capable of doing.

Neither your advice or mine is professional advise. I just know that two wrongs don't make a right. End the conversation? Certainly but do it with grace and style so that the daughter can see by example how to act according to acceptable societal norms.

I think rather than straight-up hanging up on your daughter, a good way to handle it would be to tell her you're going to hang up if she continues to speak like this to you.

I did this in my prior relationship in "phone fights". I'd let him know that I won't be spoken to like this, and if he continues, I'll hang up. Then, I actually followed through.

You have to let her know that you will be respected in conversations in the same manner you respect her.

I think rather than straight-up hanging up on your daughter, a good way to handle it would be to tell her you're going to hang up if she continues to speak like this to you.

 

I did this in my prior relationship in "phone fights". I'd let him know that I won't be spoken to like this, and if he continues, I'll hang up. Then, I actually followed through.

 

You have to let her know that you will be respected in conversations in the same manner you respect her.

I think rather than straight-up hanging up on your daughter, a good way to handle it would be to tell her you're going to hang up if she continues to speak like this to you.

 

I did this in my prior relationship in "phone fights". I'd let him know that I won't be spoken to like this, and if he continues, I'll hang up. Then, I actually followed through.

 

You have to let her know that you will be respected in conversations in the same manner you respect her.

I appreciate all of your thoughts and insights. It helps me to get an objective point of view.

My daughter lives 3 hour away. Our conversations are usually very brief anyway. I must admit I feel like I am walking on egg shells all the time.

When she called me yesterday, I could tell immediately something was wrong by her tone. It was then that she explained that she felt bad and was

waiting to see the doctor. I replied, Oh I am sorry, do you think it is the flu? She said she didn't know. I replied I hope it isn't and that's when I asked

her about her symptoms.........I think I was acting kind and concern. Then, the phone went dead. (I left this part out, I called her back immediately and

she said to be in a mean spirited way, " I told you I couldn't talk now.....I have to get off the phone" and without waiting for me to respond, she hung up.

Then she called me back and explained that she couldn't get in to see the dr and would have to go to the hospital. I told her...."I didn't hear you tell me that

you had to go (and I didn't hear her say that)". That was when I went into my "parenting" mode and calmly but firmly told her that I didn't appreciate her using

that tone with me etc.........

When I talk to her, I try very hard to talk to her the way I want to be talked to by anyone. But if a friend should disrespect me, I would react the same way. The only

difference is, a friend will listen to me and apologize to me, while my daughter is incapable of apologizing because using her own words here: "you deserved it."

My issue is, she is my daughter. I can end a friendship or relationship. But she is my daughter and I struggle everyday when I see her name on the caller ID. I take a

deep breath and try to listen and offer support. It does work most of the time, but sometimes, I think it doesn't matter how respectful, supportive and kind I am, she

is looking for a fight.

All of you are correct about leaving my ex out of the equation. That was wrong. Right now, I feel I must keep a distance from her and see what happens.

I appreciate all of your thoughts and insights. It helps me to get an objective point of view.

My daughter lives 3 hour away. Our conversations are usually very brief anyway. I must admit I feel like I am walking on egg shells all the time.

When she called me yesterday, I could tell immediately something was wrong by her tone. It was then that she explained that she felt bad and was

waiting to see the doctor. I replied, Oh I am sorry, do you think it is the flu? She said she didn't know. I replied I hope it isn't and that's when I asked

her about her symptoms.........I think I was acting kind and concern. Then, the phone went dead. (I left this part out, I called her back immediately and

she said to be in a mean spirited way, " I told you I couldn't talk now.....I have to get off the phone" and without waiting for me to respond, she hung up.

Then she called me back and explained that she couldn't get in to see the dr and would have to go to the hospital. I told her...."I didn't hear you tell me that

you had to go (and I didn't hear her say that)". That was when I went into my "parenting" mode and calmly but firmly told her that I didn't appreciate her using

that tone with me etc.........

When I talk to her, I try very hard to talk to her the way I want to be talked to by anyone. But if a friend should disrespect me, I would react the same way. The only

difference is, a friend will listen to me and apologize to me, while my daughter is incapable of apologizing because using her own words here: "you deserved it."

My issue is, she is my daughter. I can end a friendship or relationship. But she is my daughter and I struggle everyday when I see her name on the caller ID. I take a

deep breath and try to listen and offer support. It does work most of the time, but sometimes, I think it doesn't matter how respectful, supportive and kind I am, she

is looking for a fight.

All of you are correct about leaving my ex out of the equation. That was wrong. Right now, I feel I must keep a distance from her and see what happens.

I don't know what "keeping your distance from her" is goin to do other then you not getting to see your grandson or speaking to him on the phone of facetime even?

Why not do something productive and see if you can talk to someone that can guide you on how to effectively relate to someone who you feel you need to walk on eggshells around? She has you between a rock and a hard place at this point and If it were me, I'd be taking active advice from a professional on how to curtain my response to her rude and inconsiderate behaviour just so I could maintain a relationship with my grandchild at least until he's old enough to make his own decisions and will see you whether you and his mother have distanced yourselves from one another.

I understand it's a difficult situation, don't think I'm not sympathizing or that I'm trivializing your dilemma.

Good luck.

We both have been in counseling.......separately. I was told that as soon as she begins to disrespect me, to warn her if she is going to talk to me that way, that I will hang up, then do it. In this case, there was no warning.

I want to add this: Do any of you reading this post, have children over 21? Let's suppose your son comes over to see you and starts mouthing off to you, using profanity and insulting you.........do you stand there and take it or ask him to leave? I am sure you would ask him to leave. Now, you see each other a week later........what do you do then?

Do you forget about the matter? Do you discuss what happened? I am struggling with what to do after I have been told....."go to hell",......." I wish you were dead...." etc you get

the idea. It is hard for me to act like nothing happened. To say NOTHING, in my opinion is as good as saying what you did was okay and well, since you are over 21, I no longer have a right to speak up and let you know that will not be tolerated.

My father is 91 years old. My brother and I never, not once disrespected our parents. But I can assure you, if one of us insulted my father or told him to "f**k off! He would immediately go into his parenting mode and wouldn't care how old we are, he would most likely throw us out or slap our face. It's hard to be hit, kicked, slapped, insulted....over the years and then carry a conversation on the phone or welcome her into our home as if nothing happened. I think she believes my silence is the same of acceptance. And it is not!!! Adults need consequences for their actions just like kids, don't you think? I wouldn't treat my boss that way, would you and not expect consequences?

Now, you see each other a week later........what do you do then?

Do you forget about the matter?

It depends. If he normally is very level headed, respectful, thoughtful and does this -- later on i would ask 'what the heck was that?" i would see him again and if things were calm and the conversation was going good, I would say "hey, remember last week? I am concerned about you because that wasn't like you...." and maybe he apologizes or maybe you say "i am going to not listen the next time you start talking that way"

If your child is bipolar and has oppositional disorder, I would not talk to her about it. I would start with a clean slate and keep the visit going if everything was calm. By starting in with "you told me to go to hell last week" you are doing exactly the thing that sets her off and be prepared for a battle. HOWEVER, if she came asking for money or something, then i would keep in mind her behavior over the past while and tell her that part of the reason you are saying no is because of it.

I would be her mother - not someone who is out to find what consequences she can dole out to her daughter. LIFE is giving her consequences.

If she does shove you - call the police. Also, a good thing to do as far as boundaries with someone who stomps and yells is to meet them in public for short visits (ie, kids movie day with her and the kids, meeting at the zoo or meeting for lunch). She may be on better behavior if she is in public and if the visit has a beginning and a set end time.

The relationship sounds terribly unhealthy and her anger issues are clearly not being managed by her.

She is an adult and any abuse and choices she makes is 100% on her at this point.

Your choice to continue to engage with her under these circumstances - why? You have to be really honest. You are actively choosing to maintain a relationship with an abusive person, family or no. Does that make logical sense?

There comes a point where you have to let go. Enabling does not help. I can tell there is a lot more to this story that hasn't been told. Maybe that changes things. Maybe mediation is a possibility . I have all these questions about the circumstances that led to her child almost being taken out of custody- I don't know where you are, but where I am, there usually has to be some rather serious abuse andor neglect before that happens.

Personally I'd shift my focus away from her and focus on my own situation , because odds are your grand son is going to need as many stable influences in his life as he can get. You can't do that while playing tug of rope in this dynamic with your daughter. And rather than act out of fear of her withholding the grandchild, I'd secure my access to him through means that do not require going through her. It may take time, and it may take work, but really he's the one that bears the brunt of all this, and if he was nearly taken away once already, surely she can not simply hole him away from safe family contacts without eyes on her doing that.

First, my heart goes out to you.

Let's suppose your son comes over to see you and starts mouthing off to you, using profanity and insulting you.........do you stand there and take it or ask him to leave? I am sure you would ask him to leave. Now, you see each other a week later........what do you do then?

Yes, I'd ask him to leave, but we wouldn't just be seeing one another a week later. As I held the door for his exit with my phone in hand to dial the police if he doesn't leave quietly, I'd explain that if the price of doing business with him is getting trampled with disrespect, then I won't play. He can let me know if he ever feels able to see me without the insults, and if I'm feeling up to it then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

Do you forget about the matter? Do you discuss what happened? I am struggling with what to do after I have been told....."go to hell",......." I wish you were dead...." etc you get the idea. It is hard for me to act like nothing happened. To say NOTHING, in my opinion is as good as saying what you did was okay and well, since you are over 21, I no longer have a right to speak up and let you know that will not be tolerated.

Since I've already set the criteria for next contact, he'd be free to contact me to apologize and reset the relationship or not. If he called me without addressing the matter, I'd ask him if he has anything he'd like to say to me about his last visit. If the answer is no, I'd just respond that I'm willing to listen when he's ready to address it. Until then, I wish him the best.

Thank you catfeeder. I have never received an apology from her........ever! When she asks me why I am acting disinterested or something, I tell her that in our last conversation, she smack talked me and hung up, and now she's calling me, very upbeat and friendly as if nothing happened and I have been insulted and would like to hear an apology (I know you can't make anyone apologize if they don't want to......) and her response is always........" I am not apologizing, I did nothing wrong, it's just words"........or, " you deserved it".

I like your advice and will give it a try!

Do not rehash the past or act passive-aggressively like this. It is very escalating. Take each encounter as it comes. Holding grudges isn't working is it? It just keeps the battles and mutual hostility going. Stop comparing her to yourself and your upbringing, etc. When she calls just act calm and talk/listen. If she becomes outraged and acts hostile etc. simply say "I've got to go now" and terminate the conversation. Sadly your own anger and disappointments in life, your health, your living situation, your divorce, etc. stoke the fire of this standoff.

When she asks me why I am acting disinterested or something, I tell her that in our last conversation, she smack talked me and hung up, and now she's calling me, very upbeat and friendly as if nothing happened

Wiseman.........I don't know if I would call it holding a grudge. I prefer to let things cool off for awhile before we speak again. I think it is good for both of us. When we resume speaking, things usually go well. It is very sad, I think. Everyone else in my life, I can speak freely about most anything and even if we disagree, we disagree respectfully. I can't remember who said it on this thread but they said that LIFE will deal her consequences. Well, it has already happened. Her family on her father's side have nothing to do with her. My brother hasn't spoken to her in over 20 years and refuses to visit me if she is here. Why? Because she is disrespectful to them and as for my brother, she disrespects me.

I would have thought by now, she would have grown up. I haven't given up hope.

and now she's calling me, very upbeat and friendly as if nothing happened and I have been insulted and would like to hear an apology (I know you can't make anyone apologize if they don't want to......) and her response is always........" I am not apologizing, I did nothing wrong, it's just words"........or, " you deserved it".

"I love you dearly, and I'm willing to get back on track with you if you ever decide that you want to do that respectfully. Maybe you need more time to think about it. If you change your mind about the apology, you can let me know. Meanwhile, I wish you the best."