When the guy pulls away (new relationship)

Firstly, kicking myself that I keep having to ask advice lately but I'm not great with "dating games"

I've been seeing someone for a few months. He invested a lot at the beginning but lately I've noticed a change in him

He "forgot" our date the other night, I messaged him and he asked to reschedule. I said yes, but then asked if he wanted to keep seeing each other, citing that he wasn't making an effort with communication between dates and a few semi-negative comments he had made while we were together. He apologised and said he wanted to talk about it when we saw each other

So we did talk. He said he's been busy with work and with friends and that he does like me. He asked me what my expectations were going into this and I said, I didn't really have any but I'd had a few thoughts/concerns if we were to continue seeing each other. One was disclosing that I have autism (which I did, and he took that fine) and the other was whether he's seeing anyone else (he said he hasn't been on a date since we started seeing each other, but he has been on a few dating apps mostly just out of habit/boredom -- apparently).

However, he was also a bit casual towards me on this date and let slip that he joked to his friend he had a "booty call" (then apologised when I got offended). He cited that he'd felt I lost interest in him, was possibly going to end things with him that night, wanted to introduce me to his friends to see if we get on, not keep the relationship a secret etc.

I have my own concerns. Like that he needs to be receptive to learning about my condition and not rushing me to meet his friends. I have social anxiety which I am in therapy for. He seems overly invested in his social life at the moment, to the extent that I'm not even sure he has room for me unless I agree to hang out with his friends regularly. I mean he's socialising most nights and drinking several nights a week. My friend mentioned he mustn't be able to save money doing this (and he has said he doesn't). He also claims his communication is scant due to keeping up with so many people. To me this just doesn't sound like relationship material. However, he does keep offering/trying to show me his phone so I mostly trust him when he says he's not multi-dating and has an active social life

At this point I am not sure if I should bother being more vulnerable and seeing how things develop?

I have held back because I question every relationship, so that's not a 'him' issue. I don't want to play games, if I pull back any further he will just walk away because he's already sensed that I am unsure

Do you think he's treating things casually because he doesn't want to over-invest and get hurt? Or are these red flags/incompatibilities that I am trying too hard to rationalise?

I do like him but I don't want to get hurt either

I don't understand the "booty call" comment? Was he referring to you?

In the long run, it does not sound like you two are compatible. At two months, everything should be puppy dogs and butterflies. There seems to be a bit of questioning as well as other issues.

From what I'm reading, it doesn't look good. Sounds like you want an actual relationship whereas he wants to play the field(s). I'm not saying that is a bad thing, I'm just saying that you two are not in sync with each other.

If you have other options then I'd start looking at them

Sorry.

You two are not compatible especially with social situations. Also forgetting your date and not trying to learn about your issues with social anxiety and having Autism. He just doesn't sound invested I hate to say. Also questioning it this early is never a good sign.

Based on what you've told us, it sounds like he's a bit more casual about the relationship than you are. Like, I wonder if he's still seeing you because he just likes having someone to date/go out with/booty call and doesn't have any other takers at this moment.

I just want to start by saying that I always question my relationships, so this is not a good indication of whether or not this person is right for me. Since I am autistic, I have trouble connecting with people and judging their characters, so I am always on my guard and slow to develop relationships. That needs to be understood here

But about this guy. He said early on that he wanted a relationship and was ok with the fact that I'm introverted and might not want to join in with his friends much.

Now he is saying that he wants to include me in things with his friends and take me as a plus one to weddings and whatnot, because he doesn't want a "mystery" girlfriend that he sees and none of his friends do.

I didn't intend for secrecy but I think he might have misrepresented how much time he spends with friends. It was 2-3 nights a week and now it's maybe 5 on average. And yes, I don't think he understands autism or social anxiety

As for how to proceed. I feel bad just dumping him, but I also feel bad having to "talk things through" this early on. How can I broach the topic of needing to decide whether there are compromises that can be made or whether we should part ways?

I am hoping to be more social in the future, I'd like to be able to socialise once or twice a week without getting too worn out. But it'll take time, and I don't want all that socialising to be with his friends - I want to spend time with my own friends and make new ones. I also don't understand how a 33 yr old male could say he wants a relationship but also needs to be with friends all the time.

Based on what you've told us, it sounds like he's a bit more casual about the relationship than you are. Like, I wonder if he's still seeing you because he just likes having someone to date/go out with/booty call and doesn't have any other takers at this moment.

I agree. I think he was a bit more serious at the start when I was more casual. And now I've developed feelings and he's more casual about it. But he is not admitting to that, he is talking about what he wants from a relationship (I messaged him a few mins ago)

Would it be a bad idea to put the pressure on in terms of trying to define the relationship, because at least if he shies away from that conversation then I'll have my answer?

I would take the opposite approach and give him space, and maybe start looking at dating sites again yourself. I've been in your shoes so I know it's no fun. I've also gotten the answer of "I'm not seeing anybody else, I don't have the time to." It's not really a reassuring answer, particularly if he's still browsing online sites for fun/boredom. It means if someone intriguing comes along, he'll write to her. Ideally, you'd want to hear a guy say, "No, I'm not seeing anyone else, because I really want to see where things go with us." His answer indicates more of a cavalier attitude, so I don't think that putting pressure on him will result in a good outcome in the long term.

Now he is saying that he wants to include me in things with his friends and take me as a plus one to weddings and whatnot, because he doesn't want a "mystery" girlfriend that he sees and none of his friends do.

So, this, to me, is more about his "image" than building a relationship.

I have anxiety myself so I understand second-guessing every aspect of a budding relationship. Based on what you've told us, it seems like you have read his motives pretty well. It definitely sounds more like he's dating you for fun rather than with the goal of having a more serious relationship. I don't know - he may become more serious with you or not, but I don't think that pressing him will be a good outcome for you.

Yes, that is one of the concerns I have - that he is into me more for what I can do for his image. He's big on the social media thing

And that honestly makes me more insecure. I am an attractive person but I don't want to be someone's arm candy. I need substance and understanding. And when I say I am an attractive person, I mean that I get stared at quite a lot, invitations from men quite regularly (literally just had a guy from school ask me out a few minutes ago). So moving on is not that difficult

In terms of reading his motives though, the other thing that keeps running through my head is this: He's said a few times he interpreted my behaviours to mean that I was not interested in him, was embarrassed to be seen in public with him, plus the comments about not wanting to have a secret relationship and wanting to include me in his social circles. I know that I've been pretty cavalier with him until now, so part of the reason I'm still trying is because I'm unsure if I've given him the message that I really don't think that much of him and his response has been to treat me more casually because he's quite insecure himself (and he is)

Is this plausible?

Because the way that he talks about things, and being willing to talk about his feelings with me (quite openly when prompted) suggests to me that he is holding back a bit

So in essence, perhaps he's pulling away because he doesn't feel accepted/wanted

At this point, what would you need him to do so you would feel more secure in the relationship?

That is an absolutely brilliant question.

I need to know that he is comfortable communicating with me about certain topics, so that I know I can speak to him if I'm not able to fulfil certain needs (or if mine are not being met), and he will be receptive to understanding/compromising. I also would like to be exclusive, because as far as I am concerned, if I am going to turn down other offers in order to continue seeing him then he shouldn't be messing around on dating apps.

Up until this point I have shied away from emotional intimacy, but since we're still seeing each other (and have established that we intend to continue), that's what I would need.

How do I communicate that to him?

He doesn't sound invested to me. Seems like a coaster. Like he will continue to see you, and even exclusively, because, why not, and hang with his friends etc. Fun life.

It may sound fine but it's someone who is treating the relationship like another friend-ship (except this time with a girl and with sex). Not sure if that makes sense. If you want someone "serious," he's not your bag.

I'd say you should get to the heart of the matter and see how serious he wants to be - aka do you want to move in together, potentially, do you see a future, do you wanna get married/kids etc

He doesn't sound invested to me. Seems like a coaster. Like he will continue to see you, and even exclusively, because, why not, and hang with his friends etc. Fun life.

It may sound fine but it's someone who is treating the relationship like another friend-ship (except this time with a girl and with sex). Not sure if that makes sense. If you want someone "serious," he's not your bag.

 

I'd say you should get to the heart of the matter and see how serious he wants to be - aka do you want to move in together, potentially, do you see a future, do you wanna get married/kids etc

He's already said early on that he wants marriage and kids in his future and even made a few comments about how he would want to parent his kids etc. But I am not looking to get that serious that fast. I won't know if I want that for a couple of years (which I think is normal?)

He hasn't had a relationship in 8 yrs so, maybe, a slight Peter Pan syndrome with a desire for something more but lacking the skills to transform potential into reality

Or maybe it's just not a good fit?

I am getting the sense that it's either communicate with each other more openly or move on.

I agree with most of the others; you're likely not going to find a commitment from this guy.

Many people offer vague goals for the future, ie. that they'd like to one day marry and have kids. That doesn't mean they want those things any time soon and nor that we're the people they want them with.

I agree with most of the others; you're likely not going to find a commitment from this guy.

 

Many people offer vague goals for the future, ie. that they'd like to one day marry and have kids. That doesn't mean they want those things any time soon and nor that we're the people they want them with.

I think I'm okay with that, I just want to get out of this situation if that's the case (I am ready to end things and move on if that's what's necessary). I also don't want to discount him if there's the possibility that he wants more

So what do I do?

I think I'm okay with that, I just want to get out of this situation if that's the case (I am ready to end things and move on if that's what's necessary). I also don't want to discount him if there's the possibility that he wants more

 

So what do I do?

All you have to do is tell him what you’re telling us here. If you’re ok to end it, you’re in a power position because nothing to lose.

Yes. Thank you all for helping me reframe the issue here.

I stated my needs as discussed above and he has told me just now he isn't comfortable dating other people and that he has considered our relationship dating... I'm not sure what that means but he then said that he didn't want me to change for the relationship and that he's happy with how things are going.

So I guess it's under wraps..as much as it can be this early on

On the off chance that anyone still reads this thread... Did I make a mistake to enter an exclusive relationship with this guy since he’s been increasingly more casual towards me lately?

I will say that at the start (up until maybe a month ago) he was moving a bit too fast to get me into a relationship, inviting me to meet friends and family, suggesting a weekend away, couples massages, literally stating on our fourth date that we are a couple. He was being very vulnerable and I put it down to infatuation, I had my guard up, and he’s said he felt I wasn’t that into him. But, he did back off which would indicate a change of heart, right?

I’m now just thoroughly confused about what I’ve gotten myself into

You didn't answer the "booty call" question?

Hey! I'm still reading.

I know exactly what the word "dating" means!! I learned this lesson the hard way.

He wants to exclusively date which means you hangout as a couple and don't see other people, but the status of the "Relationship" (which is apparently a heavier word) is still TBD. This is reasonable because you guys have only been dating two months. I would take this deal. But realize what it means. There's apparently 500 shades of grey when it comes to commitment, and men will agree to shade #444 in their head without ever having any intention of going up to #445. I've noticed, in contrast, women are always looking to progress higher and higher in seriousness and commitment in a relationship (with the culmination being marriage and kids). I don't know if that's the case here, but if marriage is a 10 in commitment, moving in together is an 8 and "serious relationship" is a 7, "exclusive dating" is a 5 (dating non-exclusively is like a 3 and bootycall is a 0 lol). Hope this helps. I have a LOT of experience dealing with non-committal, non-invested men.

You didn't answer the "booty call" question?

He was referring to me, yes. But I turned away as soon as he said it and he started apologising profusely saying it was a joke with his friend (who I believe is a bad influence on him anyway and he has admitted this much). It was also a joke between him and I at one stage with reference to trying to find time for each other amidst busy schedules. I can’t read into it too much because I was the one who initiated that joke and I have no idea if he was just continuing it

It does seem disrespectful to say it to your friends though, and then turn around and say you want a relationship

I am confused since he hasn’t had a relationship for nearly a decade (despite apparently trying for a few years now) so it’s hard to know what is cluelessness/lack of confidence and what is a red flag

Hey! I'm still reading.

I know exactly what the word "dating" means!! I learned this lesson the hard way.

He wants to exclusively date which means you hangout as a couple and don't see other people, but the status of the "Relationship" (which is apparently a heavier word) is still TBD. This is reasonable because you guys have only been dating two months. I would take this deal. But realize what it means. There's apparently 500 shades of grey when it comes to commitment, and men will agree to shade #444 in their head without ever having any intention of going up to #445. I've noticed, in contrast, women are always looking to progress higher and higher in seriousness and commitment in a relationship (with the culmination being marriage and kids). I don't know if that's the case here, but if marriage is a 10 in commitment, moving in together is an 8 and "serious relationship" is a 7, "exclusive dating" is a 5 (dating non-exclusively is like a 3 and bootycall is a 0 lol). Hope this helps. I have a LOT of experience dealing with non-committal, non-invested men.

I agree except that he has used the word relationship and girlfriend a number of times in conversations we’ve had about this yesterday so I’m not sure if that part is TBD

But then we butted heads last night because I brought up that he admitted to still using a dating app for “entertainment” (it is a gimmicky one admittedly). I said “if you’re still doing that then I assume you’re okay with me seeing other people?”

In hindsight not the best thing to say as he took that to mean I want to date other people, he said he wouldn’t set rules for me and if I met someone else he would back off, then got a bit angry. When I explained that I wasn’t doing that and can’t continue without exclusivity he said we’re exclusive and he will stop using the app

I probably could have approached that differently as I think I confused him

I think what you said was fine. You’re pointing out to him that being on dating apps is inconsistent with being in a relationship. If he’s bored or needs entertainment, he can play candy crush or read some news.