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Thread: Confused about myself, Am I a bad person and just in denial?

  1. #1
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    Confused about myself, Am I a bad person and just in denial?

    There’s a lot to explain but essentially my husband of ten plus years has said multiple times he’s pretty much with me because we have kids together. He has said he loves me also and wants it to work- but then something happens and he makes some statement about how we shouldn’t be together. This really gets exhausting because I never feel solid with him. My relationship with him always seems like it could break if I mess up (which I do all the time). His complaints about me are pretty much that im boring in the bedroom, im short tempered, angry, resentful, not forthcoming, dishonest, bitter, selfish, lazy, not accountable, tell everyone our problems, and not the best mom, and just in general I am a s***ty person. With some of these- I agree with him. I am short and I get “c**ty” as he calls it quickly and I take a lot of things personally. But while I do feel like I am not a saint and need tons of work... I feel hated. He has on other occasions said he doesnt hate me at all and its my insecurity but this accumulation of all these bad things he has told me makes me feel otherwise despite what he says sometimes. I never feel good enough and I was in therapy which helped a little until he quit his job. I guess I just dont know if I am a bad mom and bad wife and I just fool everyone into thinking im good. I am never happy- and I don’t know how to fix any of myself.... my therapist did tell me that our combination is literally toxic. But like I said, he doesnt want to leave because he wants to see his kids every day. I cant imagine living life like that- but I also cant imagine not seeing my kids every day. I often think about someone loving these bad parts of me but I dont know if thats possible because im so messed up. Like, one of the often cited things that make me lazy is that i leave my clothes on the floor in the bathroom (there are other things but this is an example) I do it everyday. Despite this, I do think (and I think friends and family would agree) that I am a very clean and tidy person. But then I have these little things that I will leave about. So does this make me a lazy piece of crap..? I honestly do not feel lazy. Does someone exist who would see me leave my clothes on the floor and smile? Or am I a slob..? He has been mean and slighted me about being sick for 4 days and I didnt do much of anything the 4 days. I really felt ill but he made me feel like I was being dishonest about being sick with his comments and I wasn’t. Do I sound like I need a reality check? And if so- what kind of group is there for someone like me. It’s not like I can go to AA or something like it for being short tempered or boring at sex. Or is there? I feel exhausted having to keep track of this list of all these bad things but maybe im in denial about how bad I am. I am just getting to the point where there are so many bad things about me that It seems like I cant climb this mountain of my horrible self.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Paragraphs, please.

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    Silver Member dundermiflin's Avatar
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    I don't think it's entirely you. Does he have another job yet? You can work on things if you feel you want to improve yourself, but don't take on everything negative he says about you if your friends and family honestly tell you it's not true. Try couples' counseling if you can? He has his share of the blame too.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sadly you are in a violent abusive relationship. Going from beating you up physically to mentally is not an improvement. He does not love you. He simply gaslights you to keep you trapped in this "for the kids". Why can't you have a confidential private consultation with an attorney and begin the process of your departure for your and your kids sake. Stop talking with him, stop explaining yourself, walk away from arguments and abusive episodes.

    Being a victim and martyr and punching bag and subjecting your kids to this spectacle is horrible. Do better for yourself and your kids. Leave this monster. Do not worry about "what he wants". Worry about the abuse you are subjecting your kids to. Worry about your poor innocent children, not this verbally and physically abusive creep. An attorney will also advise you on your rights, and custody matters.

    Stop the inertia and helplessness. Get to a therapist privately and confidentially to get some guidance and develop an exit plan. Also come clean to trusted friends and family about the violence and abuse. Stop protecting him. Enlist their help in getting yourself and your children out of this toxic environment.
    Originally Posted by NeedAdvice89
    Mine hit me once... then a few months later restrained me. This was over 5 years ago and he actually hasn’t touched me since. He didnt really get therapy he just realized how horrible it was. He does still yell and we don’t have a healthy relationship but he hasn’t physically struck me since then.

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    I suppose I stay because he does admit to these things and says its awful that he does the things he does. He is still abusive because of the yelling- but he stopped being physically abusive so to me I see it as he has improved. Likewise, I am really short and mean a lot and how I act I consider to be abusive also. So I guess that is why I am more understanding of his issues because I have mine too. But I dont know if my issues are normal and im brainwashed or what.

    He just got employed a few days ago and we are so behind on bills (like 3 months on the car payment) that I cant return to therapy yet. We own a house- and he isnt going to leave. I love him and I dont get why this has to be this way. I do think he does love me he just has tons of his own issues, like severe depression. And as of recently he began to drink heavily and so he is meaner when usually he isnt this critical of me. But like I said before, I do see a lot of the things he has pointed out as being true. I dont feel like a bad person I just feel like I have bad qualities.

    I would love to go to couples counseling but he isnt interested. We went after the physical abuse and our therapist didnt help at all, she was a very “tell me how that made you feel,” therapist and it wasnt useful.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    There is no improvement. Your children are the victims here from your complacency in staying in an abusive alcohol fueled situation.
    Originally Posted by NeedAdvice89
    he stopped being physically abusive so to me I see it as he has improved.
    recently he began to drink heavily and so he is meaner when usually he isnt this critical of me.

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    He will be the first to say it is mostly him and not me. He just became employed about a week ago. But the way it makes me feel, meaning to or not, is worthless. He would also probably say I make him feel this way too. I really would love to do couples counseling but he doesnt think that would actually work, because we are aware of our issues and the only thing therapy would do is essential tell us to stop doing them. I don’t fully agree with that though.

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    You need to end this. he is emotionally abusive. The problem is him!

    Not only is this damaging to you, but this is also very unhealthy for your kids. Stop using the excuse that he will not see the kids.

    Do you work?

    You need to get out. You should have left this bully long ago!

  10. #9
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    Your children will grow up to be in abusive relationships themselves.

    Is that your fondest wish for your children? I doubt it.

    If not, get them out of that awful environment STAT.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by NeedAdvice89
    I suppose I stay because he does admit to these things and says its awful that he does the things he does. He is still abusive because of the yelling- but he stopped being physically abusive so to me I see it as he has improved. Likewise, I am really short and mean a lot and how I act I consider to be abusive also. So I guess that is why I am more understanding of his issues because I have mine too. But I dont know if my issues are normal and im brainwashed or what.

    He just got employed a few days ago and we are so behind on bills (like 3 months on the car payment) that I cant return to therapy yet. We own a house- and he isnt going to leave. I love him and I dont get why this has to be this way. I do think he does love me he just has tons of his own issues, like severe depression. And as of recently he began to drink heavily and so he is meaner when usually he isnt this critical of me. But like I said before, I do see a lot of the things he has pointed out as being true. I dont feel like a bad person I just feel like I have bad qualities.

    I would love to go to couples counseling but he isnt interested. We went after the physical abuse and our therapist didnt help at all, she was a very “tell me how that made you feel,” therapist and it wasnt useful.
    Abuse is abuse. He is a monster.

    He can admit to being azzhole, but if he doesn't change his behavior, it means nothing!

    He does not love or respect you. What do you love about him?

    Counseling will not help at all. If you do not care about your own well being, then care about your kids. You are damaging them by keeping them in this abusive environment.

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