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Shiloh

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Hi All,

 

I have been with my partner for a couple of years now. We have a long distance relationship so we see each other a couple of times per week. He's always been a little angry and smashed objects in the sink when he's been drinking.

 

I felt unhappy so I started chatting to another person (not sexually) but I had not met him. I felt a little alone to be honest and needed to know that I still was attractive to other men. I know it's silly.

 

My partner looked into my phone and flipped. His kids were home at the time in bed. He hit me across the head a couple of times and then I fell on the floor. I had bruises all over my back and he called me every name under the sun. He had been drinking heavily that evening. I had been drinking also but was crying and asked him to stop. He kicked me out of his home and I had to drive home after drinking. I shouldn't have done this as I could have put other people at risk.

 

After this happened and his children being witness after the noise and yelling, coming into his bedroom and seeing my crying, I didn't know what to do. I told my workplace the next day and they were very supportive. However, work never want to see him.

 

I love this man so much and he is very remorseful, he's been trying very hard to win me back for a few months now and made a lot of effort.

 

I'm just not sure I can do this??? I can't seem to move forward and forgive it. I'm sure it's on his mind too, whether I'd chat with someone again. I am in a rock and hard place in a way. I feel that if I let him go (he has many amazing qualities), I'll lose him. But on the other hand, I know I deserve better than being physically hit.

 

I also have two children, aged 10 and 8 but they haven't seen any violence with us.

 

Do men change from this? I just need some help here.

 

Thanks for your help.

 

S

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Do men change from this? Some do, but until he’s in therapy for a good length of time 6 mos min of therapy weekly he’s not going to change for you. Walk away. Let him work on himself. Date others. Please don’t settle. Anything aside from this says to him that you accept his violence. I speak from experience. Please don’t for yourself and your kids.

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You need to leave him. You will leave him one way or the other - either on your own, or because you are dead because he killed you.

 

Also, do not solve your problems by talking to another man. Another man won't and shouldn't save you - unless its a man who comes because you call 911 and he is a police officer or EMT.

I would file a police report and get a restraining order against him. Maybe change the locks at your place if he has a key and have a female friend stay with you for a couple days if you feel tempted to call him or another guy when you are by yourself.

 

sorry, once someone hits their girlfriend or boyfriend, they need to be gone.

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He's an angry alcoholic. Pls: DO NOT stay with this man and subject your children to his drunken outburst and abuse of you. Surely you don't want them to think that its a woman's place to take that kind of treatment from someone that is suppose to love her.

 

Get out now before you feel trapped and unable and then get yourself into therapy to help you with any codependency issues you may suffer from. This shouldn't even be a question, you know you simply cannot continue on with him now that his drunkeness has led to him attacking you. If he doesn't like your behaviour or feels that you crossed romantic relationship boundaries then he should have just left you if he couldn't tolerate it.

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You already weren’t getting your needs met in this relationship and now you know he’s willing to cross the line to being physically violent, do you love the selfishness and and the violence (his true colours, and yes he is probably almost all good, but abuse poisons the whole good person and any chance of a meaningful connection)? Or a romanticised notion of him?

 

Don’t stay for the first impression now you have more accurate data

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You need to familiarize yourself with the mean/sweet cycle. An abusive person will do something terrible, then immediate act sweet -- beg you back, send flowers, go overboard in kindness and just when you are lulled into thinking they have changed, they will do it all over again. He has done this more than once.

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Hi Guys, thank you. You're all very supportive. I know what you're all saying. I guess the question is to others that maybe had a partner that had many amazing qualities, hit you once and then got help from that, was sorry, had therapy and it never happened again. I guess once it happens, there's never a guarantee it won't happen again. It must be in some people to just lash out?

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abitbroken, yes well he hadn't hit his ex wife but he had smashed his fist into a cement pillar and had to have surgery. Thing is, when we've had some heated arguments the last few months, he's kept his composure and not got angry. He's been kind the whole time. That's why it's so confusing for me.

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Would you be willing to go speak with someone who works professionally with abusive situations?

I did a quick google search and found a few services in your city- some you can speak with over the phone, online, or in person. It would be a great first step for you. Huge amounts of information there and people who are very familiar with helping with emotional and practical issues.

 

Typically, after physical abuse has occurred, it tends to escalate , and quite quickly. One blow in the wrong spot, and you could lose your life. It's not at all an exaggeration that this is a life or death situation in which you have to make some very important decisions that will impact yours and your children's lives forever.

 

Those poor kids of his. I can only imagine how terrifying that was for them. Besides the violence, it's very concerning that dad and yourself were so drunk in the home while the children were in his care. Please give giving someone a call or visit serious thought.

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Thanks for your help itsallgrand. No, I wasn't drunk at all. I had a couple but wasn't sure whether I'd be slightly over. He was completely over. You know when you're just not sure whether you'd be okay on the road? I'd never done that before and I was beating myself up about it for days/weeks because that's not me. I just had nowhere to go and I was terrified. But I get your point. You're right. Thanks, I will do that.

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abitbroken, yes well he hadn't hit his ex wife but he had smashed his fist into a cement pillar and had to have surgery. Thing is, when we've had some heated arguments the last few months, he's kept his composure and not got angry. He's been kind the whole time. That's why it's so confusing for me.

 

Smashing things is scary. THIS IS NOT NORMAL! It will not take six months of therapy, it would take years. And, there is a great probability it would not work.

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Can people change? Sure, and every day someone does for the better. Should you assume this man will, particularly when you'd be putting your kids at physical risk? Absolutely ****ing not. If you're even entertaining the prospect of exposing your children to this man, I sincerely hope you're pursuing some form of therapy for your sake and theirs.

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Leave this person asap. As a person who grew up with a father that was an angry alcoholic that was an amazing person and had wonderful qualities I am still dealing with it till this day and I'm am adult. We tend to think well he is a good person ... it has nothing to do with being a good person with good qualities. We let someone go not because they are bad but to allow them to realize and work on these unacceptable issues. For instance, my boyfriend dumped me but it honestly was for the best. I quit smoking and am.adressing a lot of the issues that came out of the relationship. So it's for the best either way. And for children to see violence it is absolutely earth shattering trust me.

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What you can do is read up on abusive relationships and the cycle of violence. This includes the denial you are in from being beaten down mentally and the mean/sweet techniques he uses. You can also reach out to domestic violence services for free support and information. Do not discuss this at work. Discuss this confidentially with friends and family and support agencies who can help you. It's fortunate that you do not live together or have kids together or are married. That would complicate your trying to extricate yourself from this.

 

What are these amazing qualities?

a partner that had many amazing qualities, hit you once and then got help from that, was sorry, had therapy and it never happened again.
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Hi Guys, thank you. You're all very supportive. I know what you're all saying. I guess the question is to others that maybe had a partner that had many amazing qualities, hit you once and then got help from that, was sorry, had therapy and it never happened again. I guess once it happens, there's never a guarantee it won't happen again. It must be in some people to just lash out?

 

So he is getting help and attending therapy to stop being abusive?

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abitbroken, yes well he hadn't hit his ex wife but he had smashed his fist into a cement pillar and had to have surgery. Thing is, when we've had some heated arguments the last few months, he's kept his composure and not got angry. He's been kind the whole time. That's why it's so confusing for me.

 

Does that sound normal -- that he was so mad that he broke his own hand???

 

As far as his ex wife, you do not know if he never hit her. You only have what he told you. If she had been standing there in front of the pillar, her jaw would have been broken. He is a ticking time bomb and its only a matter of time before he hit someone with his fists or with something he threw in the air. And the time is up --- he hit YOU.

 

Once someone has proven they have the capacity to hit someone, you can never stuff that back in the box. The potential is always there.

 

Yes, he will kiss up and cry and beg and act like everything is fine...until the next time.

 

You can't take the chance that he is someone who will change. He has not changed because this is not the first time! He has thrown things at you and punched cement until his hand broke. Its like saying someone aimed and missed --- they still aimed!!

 

Are we getting through to you at all? I suggest you also look into CODA (a group for codependents) or if you are a person of faith, Celebrate Recovery. I think that i would normally suggest Al-Anon, which is great for kids and spouses of alcoholics, but right now, I fear that you would go and watch how people who have no choice but to stick with the person in their life (like their minor children or the abuser's parent) and no matter how their story is, say "well, see, they stayed and so should i".

 

He will be so sweet to you - almost overboard - i guarantee it. Now is the time to get out -- when he isn't angry. because if you wait until he is angry - you will be physically hurt. its not an if, its a when.

 

My ex was abusive. He wasn't abusive in the same way, it was more psychological, emotional, etc, but there would be times when i would be absolutely terrorized. and then i'd think it would get better. I was a shell of a woman when i finally got out. So for the sake of your kids -- get out. And if he is passed out drunk in front of the kids as you leave - call their mother to come get her children, or social services as you walk out the door. And change your locks

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