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Thread: He hit me once

  1. #21
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    Leave this person asap. As a person who grew up with a father that was an angry alcoholic that was an amazing person and had wonderful qualities I am still dealing with it till this day and I'm am adult. We tend to think well he is a good person ... it has nothing to do with being a good person with good qualities. We let someone go not because they are bad but to allow them to realize and work on these unacceptable issues. For instance, my boyfriend dumped me but it honestly was for the best. I quit smoking and am.adressing a lot of the issues that came out of the relationship. So it's for the best either way. And for children to see violence it is absolutely earth shattering trust me.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What you can do is read up on abusive relationships and the cycle of violence. This includes the denial you are in from being beaten down mentally and the mean/sweet techniques he uses. You can also reach out to domestic violence services for free support and information. Do not discuss this at work. Discuss this confidentially with friends and family and support agencies who can help you. It's fortunate that you do not live together or have kids together or are married. That would complicate your trying to extricate yourself from this.

    What are these amazing qualities?
    Originally Posted by Shiloh
    a partner that had many amazing qualities, hit you once and then got help from that, was sorry, had therapy and it never happened again.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Shiloh
    Hi Guys, thank you. You're all very supportive. I know what you're all saying. I guess the question is to others that maybe had a partner that had many amazing qualities, hit you once and then got help from that, was sorry, had therapy and it never happened again. I guess once it happens, there's never a guarantee it won't happen again. It must be in some people to just lash out?
    So he is getting help and attending therapy to stop being abusive?

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Shiloh
    abitbroken, yes well he hadn't hit his ex wife but he had smashed his fist into a cement pillar and had to have surgery. Thing is, when we've had some heated arguments the last few months, he's kept his composure and not got angry. He's been kind the whole time. That's why it's so confusing for me.
    Does that sound normal -- that he was so mad that he broke his own hand???

    As far as his ex wife, you do not know if he never hit her. You only have what he told you. If she had been standing there in front of the pillar, her jaw would have been broken. He is a ticking time bomb and its only a matter of time before he hit someone with his fists or with something he threw in the air. And the time is up --- he hit YOU.

    Once someone has proven they have the capacity to hit someone, you can never stuff that back in the box. The potential is always there.

    Yes, he will kiss up and cry and beg and act like everything is fine...until the next time.

    You can't take the chance that he is someone who will change. He has not changed because this is not the first time! He has thrown things at you and punched cement until his hand broke. Its like saying someone aimed and missed --- they still aimed!!

    Are we getting through to you at all? I suggest you also look into CODA (a group for codependents) or if you are a person of faith, Celebrate Recovery. I think that i would normally suggest Al-Anon, which is great for kids and spouses of alcoholics, but right now, I fear that you would go and watch how people who have no choice but to stick with the person in their life (like their minor children or the abuser's parent) and no matter how their story is, say "well, see, they stayed and so should i".

    He will be so sweet to you - almost overboard - i guarantee it. Now is the time to get out -- when he isn't angry. because if you wait until he is angry - you will be physically hurt. its not an if, its a when.

    My ex was abusive. He wasn't abusive in the same way, it was more psychological, emotional, etc, but there would be times when i would be absolutely terrorized. and then i'd think it would get better. I was a shell of a woman when i finally got out. So for the sake of your kids -- get out. And if he is passed out drunk in front of the kids as you leave - call their mother to come get her children, or social services as you walk out the door. And change your locks

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    So he is getting help and attending therapy to stop being abusive?
    It doesn't matter --- you need to go. Let him figure out his life on his own. You deserve a man who would not dream of hitting someone and does not abuse drugs or alcohol

  7. #26
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    Why didn't he change with the ex? This problem is ingrained, Plus, he's an alcoholic, too! UGH! Why are you with someone like this?

    I would say no. He has no intention of changing his behavior.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    You have children. To stay with him is to subject them to an angry alcoholic. That is akin to you abusing them with your need to be with this cretin.

    Please get your own therapy so that you learn about good personal boundaries and you gain the confidence to leave men you may still love if they are abusive to you and to themselves through their alcohol addiction.

    Your children are already trying to cope with the breakup of their parents marriage. They certainly don't need a mother who would rather stay with a drunk who shows his anger then with their father.

    Sorry to be so straight up about this with you but it's sad to read your attempts at justifying continuing on with him.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    It doesn't matter --- you need to go. Let him figure out his life on his own. You deserve a man who would not dream of hitting someone and does not abuse drugs or alcohol
    I agree.

    She just asked the question about if he got help, etc., could it get better. It made me wonder if HE offered to seek help or if she is just hoping he decides to.

  10. #29

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    You have children. To stay with him is to subject them to an angry alcoholic. That is akin to you abusing them with your need to be with this cretin.

    Please get your own therapy so that you learn about good personal boundaries and you gain the confidence to leave men you may still love if they are abusive to you and to themselves through their alcohol addiction.

    Your children are already trying to cope with the breakup of their parents marriage. They certainly don't need a mother who would rather stay with a drunk who shows his anger then with their father.

    Sorry to be so straight up about this with you but it's sad to read your attempts at justifying continuing on with him.
    My kids have a very stable father already.

    The abusive partner, we are a mixed family at the moment. So he has two and I have two. They are never subjected to him. We haven't seen eachother's children for a long time now. It's the way I had decided it would be since the incident. Unfortunately, his kids didn't see him hit me that evening but they did see me crying on the floor at the aftermath. And then I left his house. We don't live together, we are in a long distance relationship. Just giving you all some facts here. We may see each other at this time once a week. And there was a time there where it was 4 weeks not seeing each other.

    I really appreciate all of your posts. They are wonderful and really helping me here. I am in full time work and my children are a bit older and in school and their father and I share them 50/50 and it works so very well. My kids are very well adjusted, happy and settled after me being separated from their father for 7 years now. We've worked very amicably.

    It was almost 2 years of a loving relationship with this man before he got angry one night and smashed a plate in the sink. He was remorseful yes but that's no excuse.

    A few weeks later, when he had too much to drink, he threw a wine glass in the sink. It was so close to hitting my eye, a piece flew out. Then, I should have left. Then late last year it happened.

    He thinks he's in that small percentage that won't reoffend. No he hasn't had therapy. He went for a consultation for an hour, didn't like the therapist then didn't go back. We've had disagreements since and he hasn't been angry at all, he's kept his composure. But I'm still unsure about all of this and whether he can change.

    I guess my biggest question was "can they change?" - has any men actually got help and been fine? At the moment, we are not seeing each other. Since this forum opened, I made the decision to have a break. He's upset but agrees that he's stuffed up big time. Also, the distance is very hard when we both have our children 50/50. There's some weeks where we don't see each other and frankly, sometimes I believe that moving on with someone else way down the track that lives in the same city as me, that isn't abusive in any way, would be healthy and better.

    It doesn't stop you from loving all their good points does it? That's the hard part.

    As for your comments, no amount of words can describe how much you've helped me. So thank you.

    S

  11. #30
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    But he's not getting "help".

    He walked out on the help.

    And why would finding a nice man who doesn't throw things or hit you be the less attractive option???

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