Proper time to talk finances?

So I'm just wondering, what is the right way to talk finances when you are getting serious in a relationship. I've always never really pried in my partners' money habits w/the exception of big loans. The other day my bf and I were talking finances and he wanted to make sure I'm just splashing cash like crazy. This is a valid point, but on the other hand, I earn the money and he doesn't support me financially at all, except buying me gifts, paying for food (which we both help each other out), etc. We do not live together. What I'm afraid of is someone who wants to control my finances and control what I do. Is this any of his business?

I think it's his business if he wants to get married; otherwise, it is not.

how long have you been together?

When you're agreeing to get married and / or have both agreed to a substantial joint financial goal (and even in the case of the latter, so long as you're meeting your contribution, there's not much else to it). Until then, you spend and save how you want to. If your financial habits aren't in line with his standards, he's free to consider other partners.

Now if you're falling back on him for anything that costs money, I think he's entitled to a gripe or two, but at the end of the day, you make your money as much or little his business as you're comfortable with.

What's the actual context behind him bringing this concern up?

It is if you plan to marry, have a child or own property together or mingle finances in any way. Or he might decide that a prenup would be required if your spending habits concern him (or separate accounts, etc).

When you're agreeing to get married and / or have both agreed to a substantial joint financial goal (and even in the case of the latter, so long as you're meeting your contribution, there's not much else to it). Until then, you spend and save how you want to. If your financial habits aren't in line with his standards, he's free to consider other partners.

 

Now if you're falling back on him for anything that costs money, I think he's entitled to a gripe or two, but at the end of the day, you make your money as much or little his business as you're comfortable with.

But at the same time, I prefer to get a sense of someone's attitudes when it come to money.

I've experienced first hand how different money values can ruin a relationship.

Just continue to do things as you normally would and he do the same. You are either compatible here or not.

Pay attention and it's ok to ask some questions without sounding judgmental.

make sure I'm just splashing cash like crazy

His use of words would cause most to feel defensive. . but he's allowed to be curious.

In return he gave you a clue to his attitude where money is concerned. I'd be concerned if a man said this to me :)

But at the same time, I prefer to get a sense of someone's attitudes when it come to money.

I've experienced first hand how different money values can ruin a relationship.

 

Just continue to do things as you normally would and he do the same. You are either compatible here or not.

 

Pay attention and it's ok to ask some questions without sounding judgmental.

 

make sure I'm just splashing cash like crazy

His use of words would cause most to feel defensive. . but he's allowed to be curious.

 

In return he gave you a clue to his attitude where money is concerned. I'd be concerned if a man said this to me :)

Even then, backtracking a bit, I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to voice concerns depending on the circumstances. If a partner has any history of moaning to the other about money issues and then proceeds to make big elective purchases, I wouldn't consider it a glaring red flag if a concern is voiced, but, again, all depends. Hoping OP can pop back in with some clarification.

When you're agreeing to get married and / or have both agreed to a substantial joint financial goal (and even in the case of the latter, so long as you're meeting your contribution, there's not much else to it). Until then, you spend and save how you want to. If your financial habits aren't in line with his standards, he's free to consider other partners.

 

Now if you're falling back on him for anything that costs money, I think he's entitled to a gripe or two, but at the end of the day, you make your money as much or little his business as you're comfortable with.

 

What's the actual context behind him bringing this concern up?

This came up when I went out w/a friend. He told me he doesn't want to have someone who endless spends money on going out, yes a real concern. This would be a legit concern on his part IF he is financing me, which he isn't or that I'm complaining about being low on money, which is not the case.

But at the same time, I prefer to get a sense of someone's attitudes when it come to money.

I've experienced first hand how different money values can ruin a relationship.

 

Just continue to do things as you normally would and he do the same. You are either compatible here or not.

 

Pay attention and it's ok to ask some questions without sounding judgmental.

 

make sure I'm just splashing cash like crazy

His use of words would cause most to feel defensive. . but he's allowed to be curious.

 

In return he gave you a clue to his attitude where money is concerned. I'd be concerned if a man said this to me :)

I def want to know a man's spending habits. btw he didn't say splashing cash, but something that kind of just really bugged me. I've dated cheap guys and one tried to control MY money!

Have you guys been going out a long time, and have you been talking marriage? Maybe he was just concerned? I had a guy friend of mine recently talk about how it’s not good to spend a lot of money, and be careful with my money (I’m not a spendthrift, we were just chatting.) maybe your guy was just concerned?

This came up when I went out w/a friend. He told me he doesn't want to have someone who endless spends money on going out, yes a real concern. This would be a legit concern on his part IF he is financing me, which he isn't or that I'm complaining about being low on money, which is not the case.

His comment and the timing of it, as you explained it would bother me too.

Maybe ask him in an non threatening way to expound on this comment some more and see where he goes with it.

Have you guys been going out a long time, and have you been talking marriage? Maybe he was just concerned? I had a guy friend of mine recently talk about how it’s not good to spend a lot of money, and be careful with my money (I’m not a spendthrift, we were just chatting.) maybe your guy was just concerned?

We have been going out for about 1/2 a year and we have talked marriage. Thing is though, I feel like you can observe your partners spending habits, not interrogate them about it. I have spotted how guys were terrible w/money by just observing and them telling me what they were doing w/their money. I never asked about money.

We have been going out for about 1/2 a year and we have talked marriage. Thing is though, I feel like you can observe your partners spending habits, not interrogate them about it. I have spotted how guys were terrible w/money by just observing and them telling me what they were doing w/their money. I never asked about money.

good point. .

It's still early in the scheme of things.

I would just consider this as strike one. . and just put it aside for now.

If he truly has an issue with it that makes you uncomfortable, he's bound to do something similar again.

We have been going out for about 1/2 a year and we have talked marriage. Thing is though, I feel like you can observe your partners spending habits, not interrogate them about it. I have spotted how guys were terrible w/money by just observing and them telling me what they were doing w/their money. I never asked about money.

6 months is too soon to talk about each other's money. Marriage at this point, besides asking if their goal is to get married, is also too soon. I believe it is appropriate to discuss finances when you share something of value (aka living together, buying a house, car, marriage etc). Of course I believe living together comes first before anything, so this is the get-go when you start asking questions about your partner's finances. Otherwise, they're just going to have to observe and listen to what you are open to telling them.

This came up when I went out w/a friend. He told me he doesn't want to have someone who endless spends money on going out, yes a real concern. This would be a legit concern on his part IF he is financing me, which he isn't or that I'm complaining about being low on money, which is not the case.

Odd comment from him. I mean, all you were doing was going out with a friend, geez.

Do you have a habit of going out often? To bars, clubs throwing down money frivolously on drinks, food and the like?

If so, I suppose he's bringing up an issue that is troubling to him, but that would be assuming he's considering a future with you.

Otherwise, if you just started dating (a few months), it's none of his business.

If he doesn't like your spending habits, he's free to look elsewhere.

EDIT: Just a thought but could it be he just doesn't like you going out (without him)? And the money issue was simply a guise to avoid having to tell you that? Lest he appear like an insecure overly-possessive control freak?

If you are talking about marriage in a general sense, I think it's fine to talk about money in a general sense too. Everyone is different and it's a sensitive topic for a lot of people, but for myself I preferred to have some general conversations about it as things got more serious and then throughout the relationship. And I wanted to have a good sense we had compatible views on money prior to getting engaged.

I can see how he approached it could get your defences up, but at the same time it can start a dialogue. He's telling you big entertainment budgets are not a priority for him, and he wants a partner on the same wavelength. You could ask what his main priorities are, and also let him know some of yours. You don't have to hash numbers at this point, and I wouldn't!, but general discussion can be good.

Even if you do not believe in discussing money with a bf, you can share that.

Just a thought but could it be he just doesn't like you going out (without him)? And the money issue was simply a guise to avoid having to tell you that? Lest he appear like an insecure overly-possessive control freak?[/b]

I was thinking this too but didn't want to say it!

There's a difference between learning your opinions and habits versus telling you what you 'should' do.

>>This came up when I went out w/a friend. He told me he doesn't want to have someone who endless spends money on going out..

---

In reading this again, this comment would not sit well with me at all!

After six months dating, his true colors are beginning to show; he sounds controlling.

It's funny, knowing myself, and what a smartass I can be sometimes, if my bf said this to me, my response would be "well, there's the door darlin."

Probably not the best response, but hell don't tell me how to spend MY money.

You don't like it, there's the door.

Odd comment from him. I mean, all you were doing was going out with a friend, geez.

 

Do you have a habit of going out often? To bars, clubs throwing down money frivolously on drinks, food and the like?

 

If so, I suppose he's bringing up an issue that is troubling to him, but that would be assuming he's considering a future with you.

 

Otherwise, if you just started dating (a few months), it's none of his business.

 

If he doesn't like your spending habits, he's free to look elsewhere.

 

EDIT: Just a thought but could it be he just doesn't like you going out (without him)? And the money issue was simply a guise to avoid having to tell you that? Lest he appear like an insecure overly-possessive control freak?

He is def not thrilled that he doesn't get to go out, but I do spend as much time as I can w/him, otherwise if he isn't there, I am gonna go out w/my friend. I worked hard to get on my feet in life and I def do not want to give that up to someone who will control my finances w/an iron fist.

Thing is women he dated in the past were terrible w/money, but I'm a different person.

There's a difference between learning your opinions and habits versus telling you what you 'should' do.

Exactly! You can easily figure out someone's financial situation/attitude by observing, I have w/out asking anyone about their finances.

Are you hard set about not discussing money , even in a general sense, with him? If you are, maybe tell him that. Simply tell him you aren't comfortable talking about it.

The thing is, people can't read minds and miscommunication- especially about emotionally loaded topics like money,sex, family- can happen soo easily.

I mean if you truly believe he's just a control freak and he has no business even mentioning it, by all means, why waste time - trust is already compromised.

But if you think maybe he's worth it, you can try talking to clarify.

Some things , like personal views and wishes and dreams , you can observe to an extent and make some decent guesses on, but only that person knows what they really think. Sometimes a partner may offend without intending to, it not crossing their mind at all that the other would see it a completely different way. That's where open communication really comes in handy.

You've both got loaded bits about money. You have been controlled in other relationships, he's been in unequal relationships too. It honestly sounds like you have walls up about this, and he got your defenses up. Maybe taking a different approach and addressing it will be helpful to you, because rather than simply pulling away, it's an opportunity to calmly and rationally assert that boundary and be just fine - no real risk to you there, you are in control- but working through it in a less defensive way.

Are you hard set about not discussing money , even in a general sense, with him? If you are, maybe tell him that. Simply tell him you aren't comfortable talking about it.

The thing is, people can't read minds and miscommunication- especially about emotionally loaded topics like money,sex, family- can happen soo easily.

 

I mean if you truly believe he's just a control freak and he has no business even mentioning it, by all means, why waste time - trust is already compromised.

 

But if you think maybe he's worth it, you can try talking to clarify.

Some things , like personal views and wishes and dreams , you can observe to an extent and make some decent guesses on, but only that person knows what they really think. Sometimes a partner may offend without intending to, it not crossing their mind at all that the other would see it a completely different way. That's where open communication really comes in handy.

 

You've both got loaded bits about money. You have been controlled in other relationships, he's been in unequal relationships too. It honestly sounds like you have walls up about this, and he got your defenses up. Maybe taking a different approach and addressing it will be helpful to you, because rather than simply pulling away, it's an opportunity to calmly and rationally assert that boundary and be just fine - no real risk to you there, you are in control- but working through it in a less defensive way.

I'm not dead set against talkin about finances, I'm open w/him, just I don't see why I need to justify all my money expenditures. When I told him I was getting a hairstyle, he saw the price and asked me if I could afford it. I was taken aback and felt a bit disrespected cause I never asked him for any money nor have I mentioned being in the red financially. I just wanna set boundaries, I never ask him about his expensive purchases. I def have mentioned to him that I am saving for the future. I'm the type of person who buys only what I can afford and never overspend on anything. I'm gonna clarify that w/him.

I'm not dead set against talkin about finances, I'm open w/him, just I don't see why I need to justify all my money expenditures. When I told him I was getting a hairstyle, he saw the price and asked me if I could afford it. I was taken aback and felt a bit disrespected cause I never asked him for any money nor have I mentioned being in the red financially. I just wanna set boundaries, I never ask him about his expensive purchases. I def have mentioned to him that I am saving for the future. I'm the type of person who buys only what I can afford and never overspend on anything. I'm gonna clarify that w/him.

I would find his comment offensive. He is not your parent or asking because you share finances/have a family. Do not defend yourself or "clarify".

My ex husband had an ironclad belief; women spend money, and if you don't watch them closely they will put you in the poor house.

My father in law, who BTW was very good to me and our kids, taught him that. He practically idolized his father and took to heart everything he said. So, our marriage was controlled by this belief. No matter what I did, he refused to believe that I could be anything but irresponsible with money and I needed him to have tight control over me or I'd just go out and buy useless, frivolous stuff and bankrupt us. It offended me because I'm not like that, but again, he just would not let go of this belief.

Sadly, I married him thinking he would see how responsible and careful I was and he'd change his belief. It never happened.