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Man I met online (m,27) and I, (f,21) have rushed things a bit. Wants to slow down; isnt over ex?


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2 months in. Jay first messaged me on tinder in mid-December. A cute quirky long message that caught my attention saying, "you are beautiful.. I have told my mom about you and were gonna get married and have a daughter named Aaliyah and a son named thrankasaurus rex..." It was cute and I replied with the same humor. I never knew a guy from tinder would catch my attention like that.Then I learned Jay was in the Navy and stationed in Japan. Two weeks later, we talked more and made each other very happy with sweet messages of love and appreciation. We facetimed and smiled and joked about our future marriage and a part of me thought it was going to be true and so did he, according to him. Not immediately, but of course after years of being together we could grow into something. It felt so perfect for a moment. I was still putting my guard up and reminding myself I have never met this person and things can be different in person. I had just gotten out of a 2.5 yr long nasty, abusive relationship. It was very hard for me to move on from and Jay was the only person I found comfort in. I opened up to him in letters and priority mailed the sweetest box to his military address. I wrote him a poem, kissed the letter with his favorite lipstick, and sent him his favorite snacks with a japanese valentines day card. I had never done this to anyone but I felt like he truly deserved it. Especially after being treated the way I did in the past, I was very kind and loving to him. He got it and was very appreciative of everything. Then, things started changing when he got sent to Nevada for training. Nevada is colder and isolated. He is a virgo and I am a Libra. He is a natural pessimist and I am very intuitive. This might explain his actions. . I knew something wasn't right. I kept asking him and still attaching my usual sweetness and support. I barely got any acknowledgement. He kept telling me it was spotty service. But the times we did talk there was no chemistry like it used to. I gave him a few hours and didn't talk to him and told me what hes been feeling all along.He says hes been feeling depressed and that it's hard for him to love and be loved. He is afraid that he will fall head over heels for me and I will end up leaving him or breaking his heart. He says its because of his ex.His ex basically used him for money and ghosted him. The last time she did that was New Years Eve. The first letter I wrote him was dated January 7th. Of course for anyone, that Is moving on too fast. What upsets me the most is when I first asked him how long ago they ended things, he said it was in May. 8 months is a hell of a difference. I understand I may have moved too fast. But if only he would have told me his situation I would have tried to be more of a friend than someone who was trying to smitten him. He wants to be someone of interest still but take things slower.My problem lies within the fact that I would have to deal with his issues more than I would have to deal with mine. His health is also deteriorating.I am a very supportive person but he sounds very unhappy. I do not know him enough to be that person for him. It also saddens me that two weeks ago he told me how I brought joy and meaning to his life and now its back to darkness. It felt like I did something wrong. On top of this, its very hard to be shown appreciation in a long distance relationship. I do not open up very often, so I don't know if I should continue to work on this relationship. I agree we should take things slow. But it's not good to lead someone on like that and play games. I despise dealing with exes. I dealt with a huge issue in my last relationship. I dont want to deal with the consequences of other peoples action's again. Also, he was in slight contact with his ex's family and I found out through Facebook. I asked him if he is over what the ex did and he says he is not. He wallows in self-pity everyday over it. I certainly do not want to be someones rebound or replacement and I am too good of a person to be hurt again. I cannot trust him, what is a LDR without trust? Am I being too harsh on him or should I put my foot down?

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My guess.

You entertained him while he was overseas.

Now he's home with the wife and kids and trying to put you on ice. He's not trying to take it slow, he's trying to back out slowly.

 

The fact that he fudged his breakup dates from 8 months prior to just recently is enough for you to walk.

You basically don't know this guy.

 

Spotty service, too isolated and cold, different birth signs, depression from a recent breakup (that he lied about) and whatever.

He's just not available.

 

I get you are out of an abusive relationship and I am sorry. This relationship was convenient for you. All fluff and no substance. Not to mention too

far away to ever come to any fruition.

 

Take some more time to heal and don't be so hungry that you'll settle for sweet talk from someone over seas.

Hold out for a real life relationship.

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Yeah, alarm bells should be ringing off in your head! This guy is unstable and possibly crazy. Some of the things you're saying about him doesn't add up. If he's sick, the Navy would boot him back to the States for either medical help or a medical discharge. A lot of people with mental illness try to get involved with LDRs because they can't handle a real relationship. LDRs bring nothing but pain and sorrow. Only have relationships with people you can meet and be with. You should wish this guy well and move on. Don't fall for whatever this guy is trying to do.

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It sounds like he was looking for online flirting for the ego boost and then went back home to the gf/wife. It would be best to delete and block him. Try not to get caught up in online romances to assuage loneliness or compensate for your past by seeking exhilarating thrills. It may be best to try a few dating apps with a nice profile and pics and start browsing for local men and meeting for coffee in person. Take your time and think of it as meeting new people, not the next great amazing romance.

first messaged me on tinder in mid-December. reminding myself I have never met this person. things started changing when he got sent to Nevada for training.
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You got played. That first Tinder message should have been a big clue. I would bet that he is married!

 

He is a stranger. Please don't over invest in anymore online relationships. I also suggest that you get therapy for your abusive relationship, as you are susceptible to these types of men.

 

The astrology bit means nothing. Get rid of this guy. There is no future!!!

 

Lastly, my friend who was serving in a remote area of Afghanistan had internet service. This guy is lying to you about the connection. Be smarter!

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Just wanted to make clear gals and guys, Thank you for all your responses. Jay is not a married man nor does he have children.

 

How do you know? Because he told you?

 

You were saying "I love you" after two weeks of electronic messaging? And you've never met in person? And you honestly thought you two were going to get married?

 

This is an online fantasy/game. It is not real life. It is NOT real. It was not an LDR, it was an online fantasy.

 

I would recommend you meet a man in real life who you can actually see in person. Don't you want to hug the man you're involved with? Spend time with him in person?

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There are so many red flags here that something is obviously up. I don't mean in his behavior either, I mean the situation.

 

First of all you don't know anything about a person when you meet this way. Everything is easily fabricated and misconstrued.

 

You were so blindly infatuated (2weeks and I love you) that you could be manipulated without him even trying.

 

There is just so much stuff messed up with this scenario it makes me wonder what your issue is.

 

Why not start a relationship with someone that isn't 10,000 miles away?

 

Do you need to start one that is integrally and fatally flawed for a reason? Or is it just subconscious?

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No! We never said I love you to each other. And because I guess in the age of social media, people present basically their entire lives through photos, posts, etc. I never saw anything relating to a wife or kids. I only saw something relating to an ex living in California. Which is the ex that he hasn't gotten over.

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No! We never said I love you to each other. And because I guess in the age of social media, people present basically their entire lives through photos, posts, etc. I never saw anything relating to a wife or kids. I only saw something relating to an ex living in California. Which is the ex that he hasn't gotten over.

 

"Two weeks later, we talked more and made each other very happy with sweet messages of love and appreciation."

 

Your words.

 

And whether or not he's married, this still is not a real relationship. It's a fantasy fueled by words on a computer screen or on a phone screen.

 

This is not real and never will be.

 

Don't you want to see the man you're involved with in person? How were you going to marry him when you never even met?

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No! We never said I love you to each other. And because I guess in the age of social media, people present basically their entire lives through photos, posts, etc. I never saw anything relating to a wife or kids. I only saw something relating to an ex living in California. Which is the ex that he hasn't gotten over.

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Thank you so much for your advice! I think we are getting a little confused here. I didnt say this was the man I was going to marry. I said, "Not immediately, but of course after years of being together we could grow into something....and reminding myself I have never met this person and things can be different in person" I still was cautious but open with him.

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Thank you so much for your advice! I think we are getting a little confused here. I didnt say this was the man I was going to marry. I said, "Not immediately, but of course after years of being together we could grow into something....and reminding myself I have never met this person and things can be different in person" I still was cautious but open with him.

 

YOU said that you weren't taking him seriously and according to you it would be years down the road.

But he initially caught your attention by saying all of these things like they were immanent.

 

Let this be a lesson for you, never trust someone who fast tracks this way.

He couldn't have possibly felt this way about you, not knowing you and never having laid eyes on you.

You were just vulnerable enough to buy into the fantasy.

 

Your job going forward is to learn to not be so vulnerable to strangers or you will continue to be a target.

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What I think happened was that initially he messaged you for some fun chat. His comments about marrying you were obviously a joke, some fun banter, to pull you in and engage you; it worked, and thus began your journey exploring this on line “interaction.”

 

But then things started changing. It started to become too intense, replete with "sweet messages of love and appreciation," you sending him gifts, talk of future marriage, etc etc etc.

 

Frankly I think this freaked him out as it would freak anyone out so soon, even in real life!

 

It also may have turned him off. Which is now why he’s backing off.

 

I know you were abused in your previous RL and when this guy came along and started being sweet and giving you all this attention, it sparked something in you, but I honestly don’t think, from what you've written, it sparked something in him the same way.

 

All you can do now is leave him alone.

 

Personally, I think he’s done. He most likely has many of these on line interactions with various women.

 

I know we like to think we’re the only ones; that we’re so “special” and all but we’re NOT.

 

REALITY: You were just a chick he messaged for some fun chat, and it simply got too intense, which he never wanted in the first place and now he’s DONE.

 

I know this is hard to take in, and you will probably catapult yourself into denial, telling yourself some story about how he’s “scared” of getting hurt or his "feelings" or whatever.

 

DON’T. Big mistake. Deal with reality. It was a fun interaction while it lasted, but now it’s done.

 

Cry your tears and then move on.

 

Learn from it.

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He will be coming home in 5 weeks. Should I take a chance and meet him even if it is a friendly encounter?

 

But it's not good to lead someone on like that and play games. I despise dealing with exes. I dealt with a huge issue in my last relationship. I dont want to deal with the consequences of other peoples action's again. Also, he was in slight contact with his ex's family and I found out through Facebook. I asked him if he is over what the ex did and he says he is not. He wallows in self-pity everyday over it. I certainly do not want to be someones rebound or replacement and I am too good of a person to be hurt again. I cannot trust him, what is a LDR without trust?

 

I just choked on my chicken salad.

 

NO. . .don't meet him. He has lied to you and put you on ice.

Has he even asked to see you?

Relationships that start on shaky ground end badly.

 

Don't kid yourself that it could be a `friendly' visit either, because deep down inside you know it's not.

 

Is this really the last man on earth? I certainly hope not.

 

Besides `friends' don't lie to you.

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Hi, thanks for your input! I appreciate how you understood what I meant by the way he first messaged me. Frankly, thats how It was. After he was honest with me, I asked him what he wanted to do? "Do you want me to leave you alone? Be your friend? Be a perspective significant other and grow with each other?" I asked him those series of questions and his response is that he wants to continue to pursue something with me but slowly. My issue is not ending things and moving on because truthfully, It was only a mere TWO months of chatting. Thats it. He doesn't want to "lose me". I am still trying to figure out if I should continue with this blatant signs of emotional instability and trust issues.

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Why would you want to continue on with someone who shows "blatant signs of emotional instability and trust issues"?

 

What about that is attractive to you?

 

Do you want attention from a man that badly that you're willing to put yourself through this?

 

Why are you so resistant to meeting a man in real life?

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Hi, thanks for your input! I appreciate how you understood what I meant by the way he first messaged me. Frankly, thats how It was. After he was honest with me, I asked him what he wanted to do? "Do you want me to leave you alone? Be your friend? Be a perspective significant other and grow with each other?" I asked him those series of questions and his response is that he wants to continue to pursue something with me but slowly. My issue is not ending things and moving on because truthfully, It was only a mere TWO months of chatting. Thats it. He doesn't want to "lose me". I am still trying to figure out if I should continue with this blatant signs of emotional instability and trust issues.

 

I'm am probably in the minority on this, but if you "honestly" think you can detach yourself emotionally, have no expectations of this "interaction" (which is all this is, it's NOT a "relationship") developing into anything more than occasional good chat with a new "friend," then continue chatting if you think it would serve some purpose in your life.

 

I have a few on-line friendships with people from all over the world (Canada, UK, Australia), and they do serve a purpose in my life at least on some level.

 

But if you are still harboring thoughts of eventually meeting, connecting, falling in love and eventually running off into the sunset together, I would strongly advise against it. Yeah I know, he spins a good tale, but I highly doubt any of what he says will actually become reality.

 

He has too many issues, not to mention he's NOT over his ex! Why would you even consider having anything more than friendship with a man who's not over his ex?

 

ETA: Frankly from what you've written, I don't think you can. Despite words to the contrary, it sounds like you are very emotionally wrapped-up in him. You may even believe you are in love with him. I could be wrong, but that's what I'm sensing.

 

Given that, I think it's best you just walk away, seek something local and learn from this.

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