Boyfriend is lazy, it's frustrating what can i do?

I have been with my gorgeous boyfriend for nearly 4 years. We have lived together for three. I cook, i clean, i do all the washing. We both work full time. He finishes earlier in the day. He has his hobby, and i like that he still enjoys it and i go watch him every week.. one thing that's really frustrating me is he loves socializing so much so that we don't do much outside of the house together just us two. We do go out to Dinner and the movies a fair bit but i would like to do other things too. I'm adventurous and he isn't.

And when i say he likes to socialize im always invited; he doesn't do much without me but sometimes i just don't want to socialize and he always does. I don't mind him going, its perfectly normal for him to have his time and me to have mine. I figure maybe i am the problem and instead of waiting on him hand and foot i should maybe start doing things for myself and being a little selfish and that way he won't take me for granted as much.

Am i being too harsh? Part of me thinks maybe i am, but the other part says he needs to stop treating me like his grandmother.

He has been very spoilt all of his life. I love spoiling him but need to draw the line. His grandmother gives him money. One birthday she gave him $500. She does anything he wants. She cooks for him and he doesn't lift a finger when shes in the kitchen doing dishes..shes 93. She apparently does that so she can play the victim to her daughter(his mum) and guilt her into doing what she wants. I bought him something he really wanted for his birthday..$700 worth and he askes me what else he is getting from me.

I absolutely love him with all my heart but i feel he needs to learn he is 28 years old and i'm not grandma.

Am i being unreasonable?

Ask him to help you, pure and simple. My wife asks me all the time to take the chicken out of the oven or help her get down a can of peas from the shelves. Ask him to help you wash the dishes. If he says he won't help, tell him the food doesn't get made by itself. Or be funny and say he would do it if he loved you.

As for outside the house, I'm not clear on the problem. You go to movies and such. He invites you to hang out with his friends. You don't want to hang out with his friends, so I'm not clear on what you want. You can tell him that he has to take you out on Friday nights, or Saturday afternoons, or whatever day is convenient. The rest of the time is his. Likewise make an appointment with him when you want to make love, whether your on the one-night, two-night or three-night-a-week plan.

You can train him. Give it a try.

Thanks for your reply. Its funny everyone around us..his parents and mine told me i need to train him at the start. I thought they were joking, clearly not.

I probably dont do enough on my own with my life either and im getting too dependent on him.

I probably dont do enough on my own with my life either and im getting too dependent on him.

We tend to date people who have similar internal selves expressed in different ways. If you are getting lazy with your pursuits and your friends, get on that! Time to take up a team sport or a running partner etc.

I bet if you exhibit energy doing your own thing, it will help with the cleaning up issue. The less emotional value it has the easier it will be for him to do as requested.

That's awesome that you identified that you are maybe becoming too dependent on him. There are too many women that complain about their men not doing enough housework, who are not willing to own what they get out of taking on that role.

You always have choices. Do not fall into the trap of taking on a martyr role nor thinking a man needs to be trained like a dog. You are both grown adults. If after pulling away from waiting on him hand and foot, he is not a person who contributes enough as an equal partner, you always have a choice to find someone who is.

I would have been hurt and turned off by the birthday thing. However you felt, did you tell him or keep it bottled up?

I wasn't hurt by the birthday thing as he says it jokingly but it does annoy me sometimes. I didn't say anything. In the past i would've caved and bought him something else but not this time. He got what i had bought and that was it. I just bought him a $300 membership for his favourite sports team for christmas aswell.

P.S. Avoid diagnosing why he doesn't help - "lazy" - bottom line is you don't want sole responsibility for getting things done. Put up a job calendar, maybe. Make a joke out of it. Play a prank. When you want assistance in the moment, ask for a concrete thing in a simple direct manner.

Didn't read the post well

First off, what exactly do you do that constitutes "waiting on him hand and foot?" What happens if you don't? Does he literally do nothing? Is it possible he contributes, but simply not as much so in ways you would like him to? What kind of expectations has he outright expressed to you? There's a fine between being taken for granted and playing the martyr no one asked you to play. I tend to take care of most things around the house not for the sake of marking tallies, but because there are simply things I know I care more about than she does, so I do them, and I do them to my taste and standard. But if he's calling you names because you didn't bring him a sandwich during the game, that would obviously be its own topic for discussion.

As far as the grandma thing goes, I wouldn't be so quick to slap her age onto any real struggle. As my own grandmother ages, she's become more eager than ever to, in her mind, assert her usefulness. A lot of elderly people do this, and if grandma is sustaining her sense of purpose at 92 by making her grandson's life easier, that's not something I'd dream of interjecting myself into the dynamic of.

As far as socializing goes, I don't really understand what your issue is. You two go out one on one, go to the movies, also you are always welcome to be out with his friends as well. It seems that you both will also go do your thing. If your complaint is that you want to do something together, then come up with something and ask him to do that with you. It sounds a bit like you have a problem of knowing what you actually want and then asking for it. Doesn't seem like he would say no to you if you asked him to go do x with you tomorrow night.

Above aside, I'll just echo some of the other posters that you come across like a people pleaser and a martyr nobody asked for. Like he jokes with you "if that's all he is getting" and you go out and buy more??? This is seriously on you and pretty crazy. If him joking like that offends you, you need to speak up and let him know. A simple, "listen, when you joke like that, I feel like you don't appreciate what I've given you." should suffice. He'll likely get the message loud and clear.

As for the grandma, yeah, what jman said. People her age tend to very fiercely want to assert themselves and that they still can and are still useful. Keep out of that dynamic and don't patronize grandma. The family dynamic there has been established long before you came around. Trying to change or interfere with that will backfire on you.

The best way to not "feel like grandma" is to stop mommying and spoiling him. Stop doing all the chores/errands, then resenting him and feeling sorry for yourself. Simply don't do them. Don't do his wash, clean up after him or shop for him or lavish him with expensive gifts and cook all the time. This has absolutely nothing to do with his grandmother and everything to do with your parenting/infantalizing him. You need to change for your own sake and start going out more with friends and doing more things that you enjoy.

I cook, i clean, i do all the washing. he needs to learn he is 28 years old and i'm not grandma.

I figure maybe i am the problem and instead of waiting on him hand and foot i should maybe start doing things for myself and being a little selfish and that way he won't take me for granted as much.

OP

Do what you want to do, no more, no less.

It is difficult to sort through differences in social life, domestic maintenance, and gift expectations when you interpret these differences as indications of disrespect. Do what you want to do, not to earn and retain his affection, but because you want to do it. Stop doing anything you are doing, if your motivation is to gain his appreciation. You aren't enjoying doing those things in the context of your relationship, so stop.

Why was the first adjective you used to describe him "gorgeous" -why is that so important to you that it's how you describe him? That's the impression I get. He's not lazy especially if he has the active social life you describe. He just chooses what to do and not do. I like Iamfca's approach. I wouldn't train him. You don't have children so it's not like you have to cook/clean for a child and have that awkward experience of doing that but nothing for him. It's fine if it's a combo of "should" and "want to" but it "should" be mostly want .

Also does anything of this situation have to do with the fact that you're not married? Does one of you want marriage and has that been discussed?

Yes i know his grandma is normal i was just venting. I would never ever dream of telling her to stop spoiling him as that is her right as it will be my mother's right when we have kids. She is nothing but lovely to me i just get frustrated is all and maybe I'm a bit jealous as i never had grandparents who spoiled me or were close to me.

From all of these posts and what he says to me he is right i do need to speak up more about what i want and he will do it as he has told me time and time again. And thats in all aspects of our lives.

He has brought up marriage several times i am not pushing him to get married, i barely ever mention anything about marriage as he will ask when he is ready.

And when friends asks me to go out i should go. They don't ask to go out to the city often so i should make the most of it and start owning that only i can make me happy and my boyfriend only adds to that instead of the other way around.

Yes i know his grandma is normal i was just venting. I would never ever dream of telling her to stop spoiling him as that is her right as it will be my mother's right when we have kids. She is nothing but lovely to me i just get frustrated is all and maybe I'm a bit jealous as i never had grandparents who spoiled me or were close to me.

 

From all of these posts and what he says to me he is right i do need to speak up more about what i want and he will do it as he has told me time and time again. And thats in all aspects of our lives.

 

He has brought up marriage several times i am not pushing him to get married, i barely ever mention anything about marriage as he will ask when he is ready.

 

And when friends asks me to go out i should go. They don't ask to go out to the city often so i should make the most of it and start owning that only i can make me happy and my boyfriend only adds to that instead of the other way around.

Yes! Good job.

Do not rehearse for the role of future wife like this. Acting like his mother is a romance killer. "Bringing up marriage" is leading you on unless he's proposing and you're getting engaged.

He has brought up marriage several times i am not pushing him to get married, i barely ever mention anything about marriage as he will ask when he is ready.

Do not rehearse for the role of future wife like this. Acting like his mother is a romance killer. "Bringing up marriage" is leading you on unless he's proposing and you're getting engaged.

Wiseman, I found your response both dead on true, and challenging. You are right, for sure. Yet, many will discuss marriage well in advance. Can you elaborate? Perhaps drawing boundaries around how we speak about or how we hear the topic?

They are together 4 years/live together 3 years. She's 28. She's waiting. Yet after all this time there is no proposal, date/time frame or engagement. It also depends on what specifically is brought up. Does he want to marry "someday"? Does he want to marry her?

Perhaps drawing boundaries around how we speak about or how we hear the topic?

They are together 4 years/live together 3 years. She's 28. She's waiting. Yet after all this time there is no proposal, date/time frame or engagement. It also depends on what specifically is brought up. Does he want to marry "someday"? Does he want to marry her?

Thank you. 100% clear and on board with your point. Sometimes inertia shows in many kinds of choices.

He has said he wants to marry me. And talks about proposing quite often and how if i propose he will be offended because he really wants to propose to me.

But hasn't done so after 4 years together and 3 years living together.

talks about proposing quite often

He has said he wants to marry me. And talks about proposing quite often and how if i propose he will be offended because he really wants to propose to me.

But that's not the point. Are you planning the proposal or the marriage? What's your timing like -do you have a time frame? All you know is that his priority is that he propose - what are his intentions and timing about the marriage? What's the "talk" about - at some point you watch the feet -actions - not the lips. It's like focusing on the wedding reception instead of the wedding ceremony. It's mostly fluff this talk unless the talk confirms a plan at this point.