Mom can no longer stand my dad's presence

Hi everyone. I hope this thread gets read by some experienced people that can give me some advice.

I am the 29y old daughter of a mother with psychiatric issues. I myself am a 4th year psychiatry resident and have discovered my mom suffers from narcissistic personality disorder and possibly bipolar disorder. Actually, she doesn't suffer from it. Me and my dad do.

My parents have been married for 33 years. My mother has always been the flamboyant type that needed a lot of male attention and had many shortlived relationships. At one point she met my dad, a younger, very opposite to her, and possibly autistic man. He has always been quite submissive to my mom's ups and downs. And there were many.

As a child the image I have of my mother is either extremely busy, loud and spending a lot of money - or very down, crying, feeling victimized by nearly everyone. Especially colleagues.

My dad has been the stable figure, but is very introverted, does not talk about feelings at all, and does not ever raise his voice to her.

In the past few years my mom has evolved from depression to outright mania, starting to get really preoccupied with her looks, lost over 50 pounds in less than six months and still losing weight now, spends 2 hours in the bathroom daily grooming herself. She has been withdrawing from family life more and more, putting herself on dating sites and starting to talk online to and befriending strange guys. She would say stuff like "when I decided to marry and be pregnant my life has ended" and "i want my previous life back" and "i need to be free".

I happened to see a few messages of hers where guys would say stuff to her like "sweet dreams sweet lady" or "have you ever fallen in love online before?" And it makes me sick. When I point out her behaviour of flirting online with these guys while in marriage with a poor ignorant man she is venomous, she states how we interfere with her life, how she needs to be free and how we check up on her. She hides her ipad everytime we walk in and changes her passwords regularly - I know because then she forgets them and I have to reset it.. for crying out loud.

She has always been very hostile towards me and my dad these last years, but when he retired in september it all escalated quickly - so I moved out eventually in december.

Now she is continuing in her fantasy world of online love and admiration, while completely ignoring my dad. Not making dinner anymore, not acknowledging him for anything. He is barely allowed to breathe in her presence. The poor guy visits me daily to take care of my cats while I work, but Also because my mom can't stand his presence at home.

I know what he is going through because she made living at home an absolute hell for me too (check other threads in which she purposely put medication out in the open while my cats were running around there - just because I asked her not to do that).

Yesterday my father was on the verge of tears , and I have never seen him crying in the 29 years I exist !

Today he was, again, in denial like he has been for the past two years each time I pointed out to him that my mom treats him like sh*t.

I hate my mom for hurting my dad like that. My dad is gold. I make sure he knows that and that he is always welcome at my place.

I repeatedly adressed my mom about this and asked her to please divorce if she feels she is no longer happy. But she reacts as if I am irrational for pointing out her bad behaviour, and she is constantly hinting at "if only my dad would meet another woman, then her troubles would go away".

Also, the more I adress her the worse she is with my dad, telling him "not to act pathetic".

Dear Ena members, do you have any advice for me on this matter. I left my parents house for this and it is still haunting me. I am afraid my dad will do something stupid. He is not the one to talk to a therapist or anything, he is that much introverted.

How can I get out of this parental marital mess??

Why doesn't your father leave? I don't understand?

Is your mother receiving any treatment?

Why doesn't your father leave? I don't understand?

 

Is your mother receiving any treatment?

My dad is this psychologically dependent on my mother that he takes her erradic behaviour. Also I suspect he is autistic (only he has the age where there were no such diagnoses). He is very introverted, rigid, not very good socially and rarely makes eye contact. But he is the best dad.

My mother has stopped seeing her psychiatrist since she has retired (and no longer needed the sick days to stay home from work where "everyone was against her"). She is not taking any medication at all and refuses to do so.

She feels great - while the environment (my dad and me and some other family members) suffers.. something I see daily in my own manic patients, why would they take treatment when they feel great? When "there is nothing wrong with them", but everything is wrong with the world?

Maybe you should make some space between yourself and your parents. You can make a warm space for your dad and just... stop being in their relationship. You can't fix either of them. And it's not your job to. You need to take care of yourself first. Which might mean taking space from their dysfunctional relationship. You are an adult. They are adults. Their relationship is up to them. As much as you might like to change that. All you can do is take care of yourself and figure out how to give your parents, and their messed-up dynamic, space.

One reason why adults leave the family home is to focus on their OWN lives and leave the other adults they love to work out their own problems. Adding yourself to their dynamic isn't helpful to them or to yourself, so why do it?

One reason why adults leave the family home is to focus on their OWN lives and leave the other adults they love to work out their own problems. Adding yourself to their dynamic isn't helpful to them or to yourself, so why do it?

Because I feel called to help my dad that suffers very much from the current situation..

My dad has a form of autism.. he is reacting quite helpless and is not looking after himself..

Because I feel called to help my dad that suffers very much from the current situation..

 

My dad has a form of autism.. he is reacting quite helpless and is not looking after himself..

Offer him professional contacts and offer him incentives, such as your time, to pursue working with them. The rest is up to him, because the more responsibility YOU take, the less HE will take for his own well being. That's not helpful.