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Dealing with alienation from Kids, is there a path into a kids life


Colver

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My significant other has two children a girl that is 20 and a boy that is 16 she was a stay at home mom and married to what i would say a narcissist. They had a terrifying divorce and was in court for many years and he was able to get custody. She tries to communicate with her kids but kids often text and say some horrible things back to her. Recently her ex texted and said please call your son he is using drugs and has tried to hurt himself because he thinks you abandoned him. she tried but her son would not respond she was very concerned and tried many times to contact him. When he finally texted her back he said some very grown up awful things then blocked her. I feel the father may have coached him and seems to be perpetuating the alienation. I am divorced with kids of a similar age and can not even fathom how a parent can do this, I would never utter a disparaging remark about my ex in front of my kids. I have no idea how to help her, her kids are in virginia and she lives in Idaho (she moved to get away from stalking abusive ex). She fears that her sons anger and dissonance will only get worse over time and feels powerless when dealing with her ex. He withholds items like phone numbers and mail to kids unless he gets something in return. He seems to know how to push her buttons to get her to react irrationally (that's why she moved and tried no contact) I just think this is abusive to the children and see that it could push my significant other to harm herself. What can I do does she have recourse.

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Sorry this is going on. All she can do is fortify her relationship with them. Do they live with their father? What about the 20 y/o? She is not under his custody, legally. She can do what she wants. How is the older one's relationship with the 16 y/o?

 

Do both of them have phones that she provides and pays for? Does she communicate with the 20 y/o? Do either of them go to/have plans to go to college? has she offered to help them live closer to her? How often does she get to see them? Can they visit during vacations or whatever the courts have determined? When is the last time she offered to pay for a visit from the 20 y/o?

 

Rather than looking at the destructive actions of the abuse ex, it's best to focus on what she can do to fortify her relationship with both kids. Are there grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins or other family nearby who the kids see? Can she send mail and phones there for them? She needs to circumvent this ex and not get hung up on his obstructionism or manipulations. Has she gotten help for her issues?

My significant other has two children a girl that is 20 and a boy that is 16 she was a stay at home mom and he was able to get custody. her kids are in virginia and she lives in Idaho
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Is this the woman who would be homeless if you did not support her? Does she still have chats with numerous men? Is she going to seek a employment, or do you plan to support her, forever?

 

When was the last time she saw her children? How did the ex get sole custody? Why would she move to another state? She did not have to move so far to get away from the ex.

 

Has she made an attempt to visit them? Did she try to call, or does she only text?

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She makes minimum wage part time and I do support her and if she did not live with me she may be homeless. When her oldest is in US she does occasionally talk to her mom. I am unaware of what kind of relationship the siblings have with each other. My advice to her is to not pressure the relationship but to be very consistent in the way she does communicate. She has told the son he can come live with us or visit us anytime if its ok with the Dad. It seem they are being told she doesn't care and does not want them and that is not the case. I think in the past they would share the awful things that they said to each other with the kids (i have told her if she has done this im not ok with it). She does not have the resources to hire a layer in Virginia to push custody battle again and her ex is very affluent and has very little issue mounting a legal battle. At this point I think she would like to have the opportunity to leave the kids a voicemail or text to let them know she cares and loves them and is available when they need her. Its difficult to tell your kids you relationship with the father is so toxic you can't live in the same state.

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How did the ex get sole custody? Why would she move to another state? She did not have to move so far to get away from the ex.

 

Has she made an attempt to visit them? Did she try to call, or does she only text?

 

She was defeated in court, she did not have any support system in virginia all family is in Idaho. She says Ex would stalk her in virginia and would generally bully her for sport so it was in and out of court doing the he said she said thing.

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Why not focus on what you do have control over such as his being invited to visit live with you? Agree it's pointless to further engage lawyers for an even more drawn out toxic custody battle, that she has already lost. The 20 y/o is not involved in that anyway and can visit the mother anytime she pleases. Stop worrying about what the ex tells the son, you both have zero control over that. In time the son will draw his own conclusions based on the fortitude of your gf and that she gets her act together. She doesn't need to smear the ex. She needs to send the son a dedicated phone. It's interesting the 20 y/o also wants little contact although she doesn't live with the father.

She has told the son he can come live with us or visit us anytime if its ok with the Dad. At this point I think she would like to have the opportunity to leave the kids a voicemail or text to let them know she cares and loves them and is available when they need her.
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The best thing she can do is build up her life and let the kids see for themselves.

Right now, she can't even support herself , she can not support those kids.

 

If the son did live with her she would receive child support instead of pay it and could also receive public assistance if she needed. She can support the child on her own.

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She needs to send the son a dedicated phone. It's interesting the 20 y/o also wants little contact although she doesn't live with the father.

 

Good Idea about the phone I will suggest that although when she has talked to the daughter to and asked about gifts and things she has sent in the past the daughter says she has never received any of it. The daughter is very guarded but does contact on occasions she is young and trying to get out in the world herself. I have a great relationship with my daughter and we only talk a few times a month. I have pre purchased an airline gift card and provided it to her so she can honor any travel promise made should any one of them take her up on it.

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She wouldn't. the taxpayers would.

 

Has she tried to seek higher-paying employment?

Yes, of course she has and continues to do so. And as a taxpayer and someone who knows she absolutely lives within her means and works hard every day to improve her situation I am ok with her asking for public assistance if she wants (I doubt she would but if its her last resort she would do it). Because she does have someone like me that will help she would not need public assistance.
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What does her attorney advise?
she works 30 hrs a week for minimum wage pays child support and insists on paying to live with me (very nice of her to contribute). So she has very little discretionary money to fund a legal campaign. She very much lives within her means.
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Looking at your previous thread..... your relationship moved with her super fast, which is in and of itself unhealthy. You say that your biggest draw to her is that she is very touchy feely and you've been starved for that for years. Not exactly a healthy basis to have someone fast track into your life and become your dependent. You've also mentioned that she has consistently become involved with wrong kinds of men, that you believe she is manic and while she may be working part time, she is off chasing other men the rest of the time while you are putting a roof over her head and paying her bills.

 

You also mentioned that you are in behavioral health....so tell me - if a client came in and described the above scenario, what would your advice be to that client?

 

Also, regarding her ex, marriage and children....generally courts favor mothers. It's really not as simple as money and lawyers and he gets full custody just because of he said she said. I'm extremely skeptical that you really know the whole story of all that went down and what even lead up to the divorce. As another poster pointed out, the fact that the elder daughter who is not subject to custody issues and is living independently is also very cautious with her mother raises some questions about the mother. There is more to this than meets the eye and unfortunately, it appears like your own needs are perhaps making you a bit blind to that.

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Looking at your previous thread..... your relationship moved with her super fast, which is in and of itself unhealthy. You say that your biggest draw to her is that she is very touchy feely and you've been starved for that for years. Not exactly a healthy basis to have someone fast track into your life and become your dependent. You've also mentioned that she has consistently become involved with wrong kinds of men, that you believe she is manic and while she may be working part time, she is off chasing other men the rest of the time while you are putting a roof over her head and paying her bills.

 

You also mentioned that you are in behavioral health....so tell me - if a client came in and described the above scenario, what would your advice be to that client?.

 

She does struggle to get ahead but she tries, yes we probably did move fast in our relationship, her emotions can be on the manic side but gets better as she becomes more self aware. She is overly trusting of what i would call satellite guys but we have talked about this as a boundary for me that should not be crossed (she is not chasing they are hovering). Now that employment is steady she does contribute and pay for her roof and meals I do not pay for her bills.

 

We have had many boundaries talks over the last few months and she knows that they are important for both of us to have a healthy relationship.

 

My advice to her has been for her is to do what she needs to do to make herself feel happy and secure (I am ding the same for me)and be consistent in her communication with her kids. Be honest with them about her financial status but let them know its not a barrier for her to support and care for them.

 

You are correct I don't know the whole story about her divorce and probably never will (i'm ok with that). I can tell you the person that I share my time with works hard to be a good person and has just never had a great support system. I will hold a place for her in my life without judgment of her past (that I don't know realy much about). She currently adds to my happiness and personal well being.

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That's all good and well so long as you aren't playing a fixer upper project with her. It seems to me like you are taking on the role of therapist....again, not a healthy dynamic in a healthy relationship.

 

There is also a lot of denial/deflection in your responses. Such as "I don't pay her bills." If she would be homeless without your support, then you are by definition paying her bills. If she is making progress financially, that's great, but be honest about the current status of affairs. Also, guys do not buzz around women who make it clear they are not available. Yes, she is permitting the buzzing and is in fact responsible for it. Again, you are trying to repaint reality. When boundaries are clear and clearly enforced, there are no others buzzing around your SO.

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Does she see a doctor/therapist? She can get state assistance with medical care, school/career training, employment help counseling etc. Do not discourage her from that. She can still live with you, since she is paying all her own costs. There's a lot you don't seem to want to know about her and her past.

her emotions can be on the manic side. I don't know the whole story about her divorce and probably never will (i'm ok with that).She currently adds to my happiness and personal well being.
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Does she see a doctor/therapist? She can get state assistance with medical care, school/career training, employment help counseling etc. Do not discourage her from that. She can still live with you, since she is paying all her own costs. There's a lot you don't seem to want to know about her and her past.

 

 

I do encourage her to seek a therapist but she is very reluctant to trust in that process. I explain it as its like going to class to learn how to build tools in your life to make things easier and give you a chance to get better problems. So I would say she is in a contemplative stage now. It's not that I don't want to know about her past she does know if she wants our relationship to grow she is going to have to come forward with some details. I am very open with the demise of my marriage and know that I had equal ownership in its demise.

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You really need to get your head out of the sand.

 

The custody bit, plus the fact that the kids want nothing to do with her. How about her friends and family? What is the relationship?

 

As her daughter is older and without her father's influence she continues to increase contact with her mother. I have had sixteen year old kids and the text I read was not something a 16 year old boy would not say to his mother but looked very much like past texts from his father. She does have very good relationships with friends and I have spoke to some of her virginia friends to get some background and they say it was an awful divorce. She is just getting to know her immediate family again as her ex alienated her from family as much as possible. That relationship was strained in the beginning but she is doing well reestablishing it. Somebody said they always go to mom and I know some clinicians that will tell you a good lawyer will erase that and they have seen it happen despite the testimony to support best interest of child.

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