The Mindset of an older woman after breaking up

Hey guys just looking for some insight. I'm a 28 year old guy and my ex is a 37 year old woman. We broke up about 4 months ago. For 2 months there was no contact...I spent a lot of that time being upset at how she ended things and largely just masked my emotions with anger. The past two months have really sucked. I miss her.

We broke up because I had trouble opening up about certain things. Like family for example. I never thought the only woman I want to marry would be 9 years older than me so while I did want her to meet my family I was in a way overly cautious. That and the night she dumped me she drove by my house and saw a few cars she didn't recognize. In reality my roommate was on vacation and some of his family had left their cars in our driveway. She felt as if I was hiding something from her.

We were together for 2 years, although the first six months was largely a fling type deal that revolved largely around sex. Things started getting serious and of course both of our feelings grew for eachother. We were pretty close to moving in together and at one point she was pregnant. That didn't work out unfortunately as she lost the child. She is my best friend and is really the love of my life. The time we shared together was without a doubt the highpoint of my life thus far.

Well anyway after about two months of no contact I tried to reach out to her. Well I didn't get a response at first but then she just asked me to stop texting her. She said she didn't want to talk to me and that both of us needed time to heal. Well I couldn't exactly let that slide as I am a stubborn man so I sat down and wrote a letter. It was full of all the sappy heartfelt stuff you can imagine. It ended with saying that I loved her and always will and that while I knew she didn't want to speak to me I wouldn't say goodbye because I knew we could work this out and be happy together.

I also said that she wouldn't hear from me agin unless she reached out. Ya I know writing the letter may have been a bad idea but at the end of the day I have to at least be able to tell myself I did everything in my power to fix things. For now the ball is in her court as they say.

My overall question is this. Does the fact that she's 37 make her more set in her ways? Part of me thinks that I have less of a chance to hear from her because she's older. Part of me thinks that may play in my favor.

I mean it's sounds funny to say but she really wants kids of her own so part of me thinks that may actually play in my favor because she's older and the chances are less likely for her to do that as time goes on. Which to be honest she's the only woman I can imagine being the mother of my children so I'd love to share that experience with her. On top of that she would have to go through the whole dating process again which takes time in its own.

Maybe I'm grasping here but I can only imagine if I was newly single at 37 I would probably want to try and fix things with a recent love instead of starting all over.

She's a young soul so from an emotional connection standpoint the age difference never mattered between the two of us. It was never one of those situations where she felt as if she had to be a mother to me which is a problem with a lot of age gap relationships from what I hear. We have many mutual interests and similar senses of humor. I've never had so much fun with a woman in my life. She's the love of my life. I know she loved me and hopefully still does.

I have so many questions racing through my head. Does the fact that she's older make her less likely to reach out and try and fix things or more likely? How long might it take a woman to process a love letter and respond?

Does her being older not make a difference at all as far as decision making goes?

I'm fully aware that it may not work out between us at all and honestly I'm in the process of preparing my self for that possibility. I'm taking this time to make myself a better me. I'm also aware that everyone is different and no one on here knows this woman so any insight that is given will be opinionated.

I seriously doubt she is seeing anyone as I've seen nothing on social media or anything like that. It's only been 4 months! Has she already forgotten about me? Has she already made up her mind? Does she still care for me? I only sent the letter a week ago could she still be processing what I had to say and thinking on it?

Anyway I am not doing well at this no contact thing but feel obligated to respect the woman I love and honor it. So maybe I'll hear from her soon. Who's to say I suppose?

Until then I'm just looking for opinions on how an older woman's mind may work as opposed to a younger ones.

Thanks!

You keep focusing on her age. You mentioned it in your thread title, and you mentioned again about a half dozen times in your story. Guess what....she knows she's 9 years older than you. She knows you kept her hidden from her family due to the age difference. Why would she want to put herself through that again?

37 is not "old", yet you make her out to be a 93 year-old granny. Shame on you.

My sister is 8 years older than her very handsome, awesome husband. They've been married for 18 years, with 2 great girls. Not for one minute has he ever even made so much as a joke about the age. He was so proud to be with her when they started dating, that he couldn't wait to introduce her to his family and meet hers. By the way, my sister was "an old woman" of 34 when they got married.

Let this woman go so she can find someone who appreciates her for all that she is.

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=547265

I gather you are talking about the woman in the above thread?

You talk about her age as if she's a octogenarian, OP. She's not even 40 yet.

I am her age. And yes, I have experienced things and learned along the way. If I were single at this age, I would not waste my time going back to a relationship that failed. I instead would focus on moving on to find a man who is ready for a mature relationship, not someone who I felt kept me out of his life.

You assume that her age means she has few options. You are projecting and you are mistaken, and I speak from experience. Men around my age (and older) are generally really looking to find a great life partner and settle down. They've usually done their partying and wilds-oat phase, and are much more ready to embrace a commitment because they know what they want and know a good catch when they see it.

Being older makes me appreciate the value of time a lot more. I won't waste my time doing something that I feel is fruitless. I also know that people don't change and so I'd be reluctant to give a previous relationship a second chance. I don't know much about your break up, but I get the sense that she lost patience with you.

This is what I was afraid of. I want to repeat what I said above and clarify anything I might not have said.

I love this woman. I do not think this is "old", simply older than I am. Do not suggest that I don't appreciate her or care for her. I told this woman every time we were together how much I cared for her.

She was not hidden from my family by any means. We had conversations about them a lot and I told my parents much about her. I simply haven't taken her home yet. Do not think for a second that I don't love every fiber of her being. She was not in any way a secret.

I was simply wondering how her thought process may be as opposed to a woman my age. I am only looking for insight.

I did not mean to offend anyone if that's what happened. I am hurting and looking for any glimmer of hope that I may still have a chance to be with her.

That is all.

You keep focusing on her age. You mentioned it in your thread title, and you mentioned again about a half dozen times in your story. Guess what....she knows she's 9 years older than you. She knows you kept her hidden from her family due to the age difference. Why would she want to put herself through that again?

 

37 is not "old", yet you make her out to be a 93 year-old granny. Shame on you.

 

My sister is 8 years older than her very handsome, awesome husband. They've been married for 18 years, with 2 great girls. Not for one minute has he ever even made so much as a joke about the age. He was so proud to be with her when they started dating, that he couldn't wait to introduce her to his family and meet hers. By the way, my sister was "an old woman" of 34 when they got married.

 

Let this woman go so she can find someone who appreciates her for all that she is.

Irrelevant- the age I mean -I was 38 when my on again off again boyfriend and I finally ended things. Reconnected with my future husband 6 months later, married 9 years, together 12. I'm 51 and not "set in my ways" in the way you suggest -it's not about age at all -it's a mindset and how you live your life. I dated young 20 somethings when I was that age who were set in their ways and bored me. I have friends in the age range of 50-70 who are far from set in their ways. One has been married for 25 years and travels across the world to bike across the country and raise money and does art. Several of my friends married in their 40s (as did I) and had to be very flexible and basically rock our worlds to accomplish marriage and family. I moved hundreds of miles away from my home city that I'd live in for 43 years and got my first drivers' license in my late 40s. I really don't want to sound defensive but it's just kind of bizarre to equate age with "set in their ways" -most of those people -if they are mentally and otherwise healthy - who are set in their ways were from a very young age. IMO.

You wrote that you were overly cautious about her meeting your family as you'd never imagined being with someone with that age difference. So tell me -who is set in his ways??

(Oh and my friend married her husband when she was 42 and he was 32 - they met 2 years prior -they had twins a few years later, married now almost 10 years).

Never chase someone who doesn't want to communicate, this will only ever make you seem weak. She's actually put up a barrier and your not respecting that. The love letter will only push her away I'm afraid.

Been there, its a common mistake. You must respect womens wishes, if they say they need space you leave and respect their desire for space, and also to take the higher ground. Sending a letter when she's told you she doesn't want to talk, could cause her to fear that you will turn into a stalker. Remember, women need to feel safe and know that you have self respect to be interested.

Move on and get on with your life, an alpha male doesn't waste time with women who don't want to communicate. There is a world filled with women who do want to communicate. A self respecting man talks to women who want to talk to him.

The age thing could be an issue long term. If you want to settle down with kids, you need a woman about your age or younger. Thats the way nature's designed us. 5 years from now you'll still be a young person, she wont be.

On that note, I'd really recommend dating some beautiful young women and moving on!

I really don't think it's as easy to have an opinion based on age. Everyone is different and I have seen some very mature people around her age and I have also seen some very immature people her age that act worse than teenagers.

I personally don't think you can gauge how she is going to act based on age.

The only one who would know these answers is you. Is she the stubborn type? Does she really mean things when she ends something? Is she the type to think things out and change her mind or is her decision final?

You spent quite a bit of time with her so you should probably have a good idea on those answers.

Hey guys just looking for some insight. I'm a 28 year old guy and my ex is a 37 year old woman. We broke up about 4 months ago. For 2 months there was no contact...I spent a lot of that time being upset at how she ended things and largely just masked my emotions with anger. The past two months have really sucked. I miss her.

 

We broke up because I had trouble opening up about certain things. Like family for example. I never thought the only woman I want to marry would be 9 years older than me so while I did want her to meet my family I was in a way overly cautious. That and the night she dumped me she drove by my house and saw a few cars she didn't recognize. In reality my roommate was on vacation and some of his family had left their cars in our driveway. She felt as if I was hiding something from her.

 

We were together for 2 years, although the first six months was largely a fling type deal that revolved largely around sex. Things started getting serious and of course both of our feelings grew for eachother. We were pretty close to moving in together and at one point she was pregnant. That didn't work out unfortunately as she lost the child. She is my best friend and is really the love of my life. The time we shared together was without a doubt the highpoint of my life thus far.

 

Well anyway after about two months of no contact I tried to reach out to her. Well I didn't get a response at first but then she just asked me to stop texting her. She said she didn't want to talk to me and that both of us needed time to heal. Well I couldn't exactly let that slide as I am a stubborn man so I sat down and wrote a letter. It was full of all the sappy heartfelt stuff you can imagine. It ended with saying that I loved her and always will and that while I knew she didn't want to speak to me I wouldn't say goodbye because I knew we could work this out and be happy together.

I also said that she wouldn't hear from me agin unless she reached out. Ya I know writing the letter may have been a bad idea but at the end of the day I have to at least be able to tell myself I did everything in my power to fix things. For now the ball is in her court as they say.

 

My overall question is this. Does the fact that she's 37 make her more set in her ways? Part of me thinks that I have less of a chance to hear from her because she's older. Part of me thinks that may play in my favor.

 

I mean it's sounds funny to say but she really wants kids of her own so part of me thinks that may actually play in my favor because she's older and the chances are less likely for her to do that as time goes on. Which to be honest she's the only woman I can imagine being the mother of my children so I'd love to share that experience with her. On top of that she would have to go through the whole dating process again which takes time in its own.

 

Maybe I'm grasping here but I can only imagine if I was newly single at 37 I would probably want to try and fix things with a recent love instead of starting all over.

 

She's a young soul so from an emotional connection standpoint the age difference never mattered between the two of us. It was never one of those situations where she felt as if she had to be a mother to me which is a problem with a lot of age gap relationships from what I hear. We have many mutual interests and similar senses of humor. I've never had so much fun with a woman in my life. She's the love of my life. I know she loved me and hopefully still does.

 

I have so many questions racing through my head. Does the fact that she's older make her less likely to reach out and try and fix things or more likely? How long might it take a woman to process a love letter and respond?

 

Does her being older not make a difference at all as far as decision making goes?

 

I'm fully aware that it may not work out between us at all and honestly I'm in the process of preparing my self for that possibility. I'm taking this time to make myself a better me. I'm also aware that everyone is different and no one on here knows this woman so any insight that is given will be opinionated.

 

I seriously doubt she is seeing anyone as I've seen nothing on social media or anything like that. It's only been 4 months! Has she already forgotten about me? Has she already made up her mind? Does she still care for me? I only sent the letter a week ago could she still be processing what I had to say and thinking on it?

 

Anyway I am not doing well at this no contact thing but feel obligated to respect the woman I love and honor it. So maybe I'll hear from her soon. Who's to say I suppose?

 

Until then I'm just looking for opinions on how an older woman's mind may work as opposed to a younger ones.

 

Thanks!

I bolded the amount of times you referred to her age. I count 10.

Just sayin'.

OP, the way she is responding to your break goes more to her overall "nature" not her "age."

I am her age and while of course I have learned lots of things along the way, and grown, matured, evolved, my nature is the exact same as when I was 18.

After a break, some women's natures might compel them to become needy, clingy, obsessive. This would be true whether she was 25 or 45.

In fact, there is a woman I know who is in her 50's who goes off the rails whenever a relationship ends!

On the other hand, speaking personally, now and even in my early 20s, I walk away from relationships quietly, no fanfare.

Preferring, like your ex, to go no contact until I've healed.

After that I may reach out, may not. Reasons for doing so have varied.

As I get older, I don't expect my nature will change much.

Changing subjects, if you love this woman, which it sounds like you do, stop allowing what "society" thinks about the age gap to rule your decisions.

It's only 9 years, very acceptable even by "society's" standards.

Society, or even your family, aren't dating her, you are.

Love is very hard to find. Some people NEVER find it.

When you do, cherish it, nurture it, don't toss it away because you fear what society or others will think.

That's silly. It's your life!

I’d be less likely to return to the relationship you described at any age. I’d be extremely frustrated that numerous attempts to stay no contact had been ignored, and probably link that behavior to lack of maturity. I’d be pissed that said person came to my house to slip a letter in my door after I had once again asked for silence. It’s very disrespectful & an invasion of personal space.

If someone kept me a secret for two years, I would have been done. too. I would have dumped you after six months. Age has nothing to do with it.

You did not treat her well, at all. You should be old enough to know better. You wasted her time!

This is what I was afraid of. I want to repeat what I said above and clarify anything I might not have said.

 

I love this woman. I do not think this is "old", simply older than I am. Do not suggest that I don't appreciate her or care for her. I told this woman every time we were together how much I cared for her.

 

She was not hidden from my family by any means. We had conversations about them a lot and I told my parents much about her. I simply haven't taken her home yet. Do not think for a second that I don't love every fiber of her being. She was not in any way a secret.

 

I was simply wondering how her thought process may be as opposed to a woman my age. I am only looking for insight.

 

I did not mean to offend anyone if that's what happened. I am hurting and looking for any glimmer of hope that I may still have a chance to be with her.

 

That is all.

If you had loved and appreciated her, then you wouldn't have kept her a secret. You did not show it with actions.

Why didn't you take her to meet them?

Leave her be. She deserves better.

I mean it's sounds funny to say but she really wants kids of her own so part of me thinks that may actually play in my favor because she's older and the chances are less likely for her to do that as time goes on.

No. Just no.

You really have an issue with her age and I'm sure it showed in other areas of your relationship too,even if you deny it. Not all women think like that and even if your ex does, do you really want to be with a woman who will get back with you just to have kids? I doubt though that your Ex falls into this category, she wouldn't have been dating you in the first place.

Also, contacting her when she asked you not to is a turn off.

People act different even if they're the same age. Since you want opinions and I am her age, I'd be long gone because of your age issue and even if I still had feelings for you, the fact that you didn't respect me telling you to not contact me would just make me realize I made the right decision.

Don't beat yourself up about anything, stop contacting her, start your healing process and if its meant to be it will come naturally.

Since you've created three threads asking this exact same question, I have to conclude no one has given you the answer you're looking for.

You kept her a secret then completely disregarded her wishes to stop contacting her...multiple times.

"Do not contact me" does not mean "Bombard me with texts begging me to take you back". It does not mean "Come to my home and deliver a letter". It means "Do not contact me".

This is done.

I know you're hurting, but none of this is going to bring her back.

Try to focus on accepting the relationship is over and then focus on being kind to yourself.

And learn the lesson...the time to declare your love, respect and devotion to a woman is WHILE you're in the relationship, not after she's had enough and left you.

PS: And like I wrote in your other two threads, I received communication from an ex who treated me much like you treated your ex. I did not respond and I did not go back to him.

You say you loved her to the moon and back - so why did you never introduce her to your family? Do they live really far away or something?

Heck, my own family lives on another continent and they know my partner. He has been with me on Skype calls to them, they exchange messages and emails now and then. He is very much involved in my family life even though they live on the other side of the ocean.

Your actions completely contradict your words in claiming you loved her so much, but seemingly excluded her. That isn't loving at all. And you unfortunately didn't realize it until it was way too late.

Hope I'm not putting your hopes down here but I'm 41 and have never been hit on as much as now so some have actually MORE options as they get older for some reason.