Trust Issues

The history of the issue I'm facing right now is kind of a long one.. My boyfriend and I dated back in high school - he is my first love, first everything - but he cheated on me multiple times and left me with a lot of emotional damage in those years. We are both now in our second year of college and this past summer he reached out to me and apologized for everything he had done and we agreed to get back together. We have been dating for 6 months now and throughout that time things have been amazing, but there are things that have come up with him and other girls that I couldn't seem to let go based on our history. He lives two hours away so I don't always know what he is doing which is really hard, as much as I try not to worry I always do. We have gotten into arguments about me trusting him and I bring things up that I don't like and he in turn gets mad at me for not believing what he says. Recently, he joined a fraternity and I found out some evidence that leads me to think he actually did cheat on me. I confronted him about it and told him I didn't want to be together if he wasn't going to be honest but he denied it and just let me leave because he is tired of me questioning his honesty and our relationship. I want to believe him but the evidence was pretty convincing and at this point I don't think he wants to be with me anymore after I keep bringing things like this up. It's hard though because I know he is the only one I want to be with after all these years, I just want him to put in more effort and things be good like they were at the beginning and I'm not getting that from him. I know he has some growing up to do but I don't know if it's just a matter of time and he will realize how I feel eventually or if we get back together if things will continue to be toxic like this.

Is there any chance of us working things out, and what should I do on my end to make him see my side of things and also make him know that I do trust him if he is being honest with me? Please help :(

What evidence of cheating did you find this time?

This is a guy who completely disrespected you, multiple times. "Back" in high school wasn't so long ago, in the grand scheme of things, if you're only in your second year of college now. The trust between you two was broken a long time ago, and yes, we do sometimes learn and grow but it sounds like that hasn't happened here.

He is right that if you choose to stay, you can't hold this over his head forever either. At some point you either need to believe that he didn't cheat this time and let it go, or acknowledge that this relationship makes you unhappy and break up. If he's not putting in much effort anyway and you are more or less convinced he's still up to no good, it's time you part ways and stay that way.

Personally, I wouldn't even attempt dating a guy like this again. Too much shady history.

I found messages from one of his friends to him saying that she knew he hooked up with this girl and that he was better than that and needed to tell me the truth. I didn't tell him I knew that I just told him I had reason to believe he cheated on me with this girl and he denied it. I absolutely agree it is all still pretty fresh and if I don't fully trust him it's not healthy for either one of us to pretend like everything is okay and continue to be in a relationship.

High school to second year of college are not enough years to use the phrase " I know he is the only one I want to be with after all these years". You are way too young to go through this. Start your healing process, forget him and once you're completely over him start dating others. There are plenty of men out there who will make you feel safe and wanted and loved and and and

I'd break up with him, OP.

This isn't a good relationship and it wasn't a good relationship before, either. Time to shed the dead weight.

I agree with the others.. You're too young and you have a lot of opportunities right now. I would walk away from him and not waste your time. Given time and years from now when you are out of college and have a career maybe you guys will come back around. Or maybe you'll look back at this and say w h e w! I dodged a bullet.

The beauty of being young and in college is finding and creating those life long friendships and memories. don't be bogged down by relationships and drama. follow what makes you happy....

Sometimes it's best to leave the past in the past. Why bother with a strained situation combined with a LDR, when you can date local guys you can trust and be happy?

"It's hard though because I know he is the only one I want to be with after all these years, I just want him to put in more effort"

I think you want to be not with him, but an equivalent of him that is without his serious, relationship-busting traits. I think you can learn from this to say what you do and don't want in a relationship and partner.

"and things be good like they were at the beginning and I'm not getting that from him. "

This is a memory of your first love, first honeymoon phase. You will likely never experience that particular feeling again with anyone, but that's not what long-term relationships are made of regardless. The trust, commitment, and forward progression are what make long-term relationships work.

In the same way, you will never experience Summer vacations after elementary school years again. These were amazing and blissful phases of life that you should cherish in your past, happy to have experienced them, but not expecting them to come back. With that said, you will experience both vacations and honeymoon phases in your future still, so look forward to those.

"I know he has some growing up to do but I don't know if it's just a matter of time and he will realize how I feel eventually"

I wonder if some people have to experience loss/failure, and to live with that loss/failure, to truly learn some lessons. By getting back together with you, if he is like that, then he may not ever have to learn his lesson (or if he learns it, he could unlearn it).

"Is there any chance of us working things out, and what should I do on my end to make him see my side of things and also make him know that I do trust him if he is being honest with me? Please help"

Honestly, I don't see this one working out and I don't think he cares enough. The distance, historical trust issues, unsavory evidence, his lack of commitment to being in the relationship with you (if he wanted to be with you, he wouldn't suggest that you leave and he would likely work hard / change for you, including changing his environment), and his desire to push his wrongdoing on you (as if you are wrong for having trust issues, when no, I think it's 100% right for you to not trust him) all come together to create a pretty awful dynamic.

The last time you two had a chance at reconciliation, it was after both of you starting a new phase in life and going through it for a while (college). The new phase of life you're both in doesn't work for a relationship between you two. If another reconciliation were to be attempted, it should probably be under the same circumstances: After having gone through a new phase in life for a while (EX: 1 year after graduating college).

And if you go ahead and choose to breakup, then after taking a nice chunk of time being single to heal yourself and ensure that you aren't prone to unhealthy relationships (I'm choosing ~1 year closed to relationships or even dates/dating, then another year against anything remotely serious for my own breakup recovery, though it was an 8 year relationship), then you should keep yourself open to another person because, who knows, maybe there's someone out there who's like a good version of him who wants nothing more than a person who is like what a strong version of you will be like. Also, be open to your own feelings towards him potentially changing (in fact, look forward to your feelings for him changing! All feelings are fleeting and can/do change based on new variables.)

Just my view/approach on this. Fundamentally, do whatever you feel is best for you (unless you have reason to suggest, by reading other sources and learning from others, that what you're inclined to do is unhealthy, then.. try to go for your healthiest alternatives!)