Need FWB Advice

I recently started up a FWB with a guy and things have been going pretty well. We we're both up front with not wanting a relationship and seemed to be on the same page.

Well, inevitably, it's been about 2 months and I started having feelings for him. Mainly because unlike other FWB I've had, he texts me every day, he asks to see me every other day, we talk about our lives, and even spend the night together/snuggle. He even opened up to me about his past (a girl really hurt him), but remains adamant we are just friends, which I was fine with.

Last night we drank (a lot), and things got kind of weird. With newfound drunken confidence I told him that if we wanted this to continue, we needed to separate a bit more because it's getting hard for me to just keep this as sex when we seem to be getting close.

I guess I teared up a little bit because this triggers the dude to start full on crying. I was so confused at the time and we just kind of cried and laid down while our friends were like is going on. He admitted to having a small amount of feelings for me, but still not wanting more.

When we woke up in the morning I asked him why he got upset. He kept trying to ignore the question, but eventually said he felt bad about me having feelings for him and getting upset, and that if I need him to pull away he will. We agreed to forget about the whole thing for now, and even joked about it when he drove me home.

My question is, does his reason sound like bull or legit? I know we were drinking but I feel like it should take a lot for a guy to cry like that. My gut tells me he likes me more than he says, but is just scared from the previous relationship. But I could be wrong and over analyzing/wishfully thinking. It's so hard to tell cause he closes up. Any input would be appreciated because the last thing I want to do is upset him or cause him pain.

I think he might like you and he likes having sex with you and he doesn't see potential for a relationship -that hasn't changed. He is a sex partner -you were not friends first and you might also become friends but your arrangement is to get together to have sex. People cry for all sorts of reasons -he might have had intense feelings at the moment and he doesn't want a relationship with you. i wouldn't read into it.

Thanks for your input :) Probably the likey culprit.

I don't know why he cried, but I do know since he's being clear he doesn't want more, you'd better pull back because the more attached you get, the harder it will be when it ends. Fwb is a tricky situation and takes a really strong person to handle it.

Generally when one catches feelings that aren't reciprocated, it's time to bail.

My gut tells me he likes me more than he says, but is just scared from the previous relationship.

^

I'm sorry, but the (above) is simply something we tell ourselves in order to cope. Yet the bottom line is, if he wanted to be with you, nothing would stand in his way. Another point to ponder is, it would be too great a risk of losing you to someone else.

I think you'd do better if you presented yourself as relationship material, rather than sell yourself short by going the FWBs route.

My gut tells me he likes me more than he says, but is just scared from the previous relationship.

That doesn't sound like real gut talk. The gut is very simple and doesn't find reasons for things. It just makes simple observations like, "this feels weird..."

I think it's more likely that your gut said, "I don't feel right about this guy," and your brain said, "Yeah, why could he be acting this way? I'm not ready to give him up yet. How can I convince myself that everything is ok? I know! He said he was hurt by a girl. If I believe that, then I can attribute all of his weird behavior to his inability to cope with that pain. Poor guy." And then you ignore your gut and continue with the relationship.

Unfortunately it sounds like bull. You want a relationship he just wants convenient sex. He isn't "scarred". It's not your problem either way. You want to pretend he feels the same. Your dilemma is getting out of this before he "scars" you by allowing him to string you along. Just end this road to nowhere nonsense. Why not get a real bf?

does his reason sound like bull or legit? My gut tells me he likes me more than he says, but is just scared from the previous relationship.

Unfortunately it sounds like bull. You want a relationship he just wants convenient sex. He isn't "scarred". It's not your problem either way. You want to pretend he feels the same. Your dilemma is getting out of this before he "scars" you by allowing him to string you along. Just end this road to nowhere nonsense. Why not get a real bf?

I'm a little tired of the assumption that a man is stringing along a woman in this situation. He told her how he feels from the beginning. He's never told her that he changed his mind and wants a relationship with her. They chose to get drunk and chose the consequences -one consequence was that he expressed emotions he might not have chosen to express without having chosen to drink. She then analyzed how he expressed himself to mean he wanted a relationship with her. There is nothing wrong with him wanting a sexual arrangement with her that she agreed to and in fact it's very right- he's being honest with her and with himself and not pretending that it's more. But she is starting to pretend. She is stringing herself along if any stringing is happening.

Unfortunately it sounds like bull. You want a relationship he just wants convenient sex. He isn't "scarred". It's not your problem either way. You want to pretend he feels the same. Your dilemma is getting out of this before he "scars" you by allowing him to string you along. Just end this road to nowhere nonsense. Why not get a real bf?

They had an agreement, then she caught feelings. And he's still clear its only fwb. Not stringing her along if she chooses to continue, hoping his feelings grow and change. These fwb situations most often end up with someone feeling hurt.

Ladies it is stringing along if youre spending time together, communicating daily, crying together but then wanting distance at your convienience because 'it's just sex'. Give the girl some basic respect here, if this was just a booty call he wouldn't be in contact with her unless it was for a late night romp. He is playing mind games and it's wrong. Just because she's a willing participant doesn't allieviate his role. I'd bet a shiny new quarter he knows exactly how's she feels, any responsible adult would recognize that and walk away. This unessesary correcting is the epitome of one standing on a high horse.

OPer that does not alleviate your role in this situation. Very, very few can handle FWB, be honest with yourself, was it mutual or did you accept the scraps he was giving you because it was better than nothing and you hoped for more? You can't go into a FWB type situation with ulterior motives, you'll always end up with the short end of the stick, even if you didn't start out with ulterior motives you now have them which is a recipe for heartbreak. He is being clear with his words, although his actions do not match so your best bet is to get out now.

I'd bet a shiny new quarter he knows exactly how's she feels, any responsible adult would recognize that and walk away.

I agree with this, although I would amend it to read "responsible and considerate." He is saying one thing and doing another. Most people accept that actions speak louder than words. Why should words mean more than actions in this one case? So that the guy can get away with lying. That's an odd double standard.

Freckles is not the only one making excuses for him.

I have a rule to try and avoid reading into what is said when large quantities of alcohol have been consumed. You were both drunk- sometimes people cry for no reason when they are drunk.

I think you know now though that this has reached its expiry date. I don't think either of you did anything really wrong. You just got caught up in the messiness of FWB and adding sleep overs and booze to the mix too. Recipe for a what the hell moment at some point.

It sounds too like you actually want a real bf who will text you regularly, cuddle with you, go out regularly with. I think if that desire wasn't there, it would have been easy enough to not get together with him so often and to keep this from getting so familiar. You wouldn't have been announcing to him while drunk and tears in your eyes , hey I think we need to put more space for this to work.

So what will you do now? Are you going t continue seeing him or do you free yourself up to find someone who wants a relationship?

I don't agree - I typically agree to watch the actions not the words with one exception -when a person says "I don't want a relationship [with you]" or "I am not ready for a relationsnhip [with you]" you listen because the actions that follow should not be interpreted inconsistently with that -in the least.

He told her that, he never told her different. Her risk to choose whether the benefit of having sex with him and choosing to get drunk (and choosing the consequences) was worth the risk of getting attached.

It wasn't FWB at all -they were never close friends first -they had a sexual arrangement. He made that clear that that was all it was. I really think too often it's the woman who chooses to react to her feelings (no, I don't agree that people "catch" feelings -they choose to get involved and choose to react to feelings that result) - and then the guy is accused of leading her on when from the beginning he was clear it was a sexual arrangement not a romantic relationship or a potential one. If he wants to see her every day and have sex with her every day and she agrees that doesn't change a thing. If one of them gets emotional during sex it doesn't change a thing about the boundaries. If she wants more it is her responsibility to say "I am no longer comfortable with meeting up for sex. I want a serious relationship". If she's comfortable risking pregnancy with him and sharing bodily fluids why in the world would there be a problem stating what she's comfortable with.

Edited to add -he is required to tell her if he is having sex with others if they have a monogamous relationship or if he finds out he has an STD. And I would hope she would tell him the same or if she tested positive for pregnancy.

My gut tells me he likes me more than he says, but is just scared from the previous relationship. But I could be wrong and over analyzing/wishfully thinking. It's so hard to tell cause he closes up. Any input would be appreciated because the last thing I want to do is upset him or cause him pain.

Why do people do this to themselves? He's clearly communicated and behaved like this is nothing more than an FWB. If you're getting too close, dump him. He does not want anything more. Don't build castles in the sky and defend them. If you get hurt, blame yourself, not him. Don't delude yourself.

I don't agree - I typically agree to watch the actions not the words with one exception -when a person says "I don't want a relationship [with you]" or "I am not ready for a relationsnhip [with you]" you listen because the actions that follow should not be interpreted inconsistently with that -in the least.

I'm not saying she should believe his actions or his words. I'm saying that he shouldn't get a pass for being ambiguous.

He was drunk. I don't think he would have cried if he was sober. Also, think he feels attached as is normal, but that he doesn't want a relationship. Doesn't want to lose you but doesn't want more. Makes him feel guilty that you are hurting.

This is why FWB do not work. He only wants you as a friend. That's it.

I suggest you end this. Now.

I'm not saying she should believe his actions or his words. I'm saying that he shouldn't get a pass for being ambiguous.

I don't think a "pass" is relevant here. To me he was clear. He said from the beginning he did not want a relationship with her. He has never said he does want a relationship with her. I think those words in that context take top priority especially when sex is involved (I mean from a physical health/medical standpoint, not emotional). She is choosing to analyze his crying and other reactions as him wanting a relationship with her. That's on her. I don't think it's fair to impose on anyone the responsibility to keep affirming "this is a sexual arrangement and I'm not interested in a relationship with you" - if she wants to know if he changed his mind she can ask simply and directly. If that is uncomfortable for her I'd suggest she ask herself why she's comfortable having intercourse with him but not asking what his intentions are or if they have changed.

Ladies it is stringing along if youre spending time together, communicating daily, crying together but then wanting distance at your convienience because 'it's just sex'. Give the girl some basic respect here, if this was just a booty call he wouldn't be in contact with her unless it was for a late night romp. He is playing mind games and it's wrong. Just because she's a willing participant doesn't allieviate his role. I'd bet a shiny new quarter he knows exactly how's she feels, any responsible adult would recognize that and walk away. This unessesary correcting is the epitome of one standing on a high horse.

 

OPer that does not alleviate your role in this situation. Very, very few can handle FWB, be honest with yourself, was it mutual or did you accept the scraps he was giving you because it was better than nothing and you hoped for more? You can't go into a FWB type situation with ulterior motives, you'll always end up with the short end of the stick, even if you didn't start out with ulterior motives you now have them which is a recipe for heartbreak. He is being clear with his words, although his actions do not match so your best bet is to get out now.

Nope. He has been upfront. This is on her. She changed the course.

Nope. He has been upfront. This is on her. She changed the course.

It can be on her and still be concidered stringing along. Again, the dude knows how she feels. If he feels 'guilty' enough to cry, he knows what's up, probably has for a while but chose to continue anyway. As the saying goes, two wrongs don't make a right.

They both need to take personal responsibility for their actions.

I don't think a "pass" is relevant here.

I disagree with you, and actually this is exactly what I disagree with:

To me he was clear. He said from the beginning he did not want a relationship with her. He has never said he does want a relationship with her. I think those words in that context take top priority especially when sex is involved (I mean from a physical health/medical standpoint, not emotional).

What he's saying and what he's doing could be two different things and if he's being deliberately ambiguous, then shame on him too.

I do agree that her excuse-making is on her. She needs to get real.

I don't think it's fair to impose on anyone the responsibility to keep affirming "this is a sexual arrangement and I'm not interested in a relationship with you" - if she wants to know if he changed his mind she can ask simply and directly.

He can also notify her or her or back off, which is common courtesy especially if you are in an intimate situation with someone. The onus is not completely on her. A person who uses a FWB situation as justification to be less than respectful to a partner ought to take a good look at themselves.

It can be on her and still be concidered stringing along. Again, the dude knows how she feels. If he feels 'guilty' enough to cry, he knows what's up, probably has for a while but chose to continue anyway. As the saying goes, two wrongs don't make a right.

 

They both need to take personal responsibility for their actions.

Yes he might know she has feelings for him. He might have feelings for her. He told her he wants a sexual arrangement and not a relationship. She is an adult and he's entitled to assume that she can handle her feelings within their sexual arrangement and if she can't that she will leave or tell him or do something. I had no interest in sexual arrangements and to a large extent the thought repulsed me personally but I am a big fan of two single adults being free to have casual sex or meet up for sex as long as both are honest about their intentions -and I mean honest in a simple way "this is a sexual arrangement" or using the silly euphemism FWB even if they were not friends first because people get that that's not a relationship. But requiring a man (and it's usually the man) to tell an adult woman "I can't have sex with you anymore because you seem to have feelings for me and if I express caring feelings to you I'm afraid you'll start to assume I have changed my mind". He should feel comfortable knowing that he told her his boundaries, she told him her boundaries, and that if anything changes they'll communicate that clearly. Not leave it up to analysis.

I think the OP should stop having sex with this person because she now wants more and he does not.

"What he's saying and what he's doing could be two different things and if he's being deliberately ambiguous, then shame on him too.

I do agree that her excuse-making is on her. She needs to get real."

He said he doesn't want a relationship with her. Many people express feelings when they have sex and after they have sex and still do not want a relationship with that person. I think she needs to take to heart his honesty and directness in what he told her from the beginning. He has never told her differently. She chose to risk getting attached through sex and through choosing to get drunk before having sex with him. She chose the consequences.

I think it's totally respectful on his part to tell her his intentions from the beginning and to act as he wishes in response to having intercourse with her - he might cry, laugh, have no emotional reaction, depending on the day and he shouldn't fear an adult woman being "strung along" just because each time he doesn't say "I know I shared some emotions with you but I still don't want a relationship with you." That would be patronizing and disrespectful IMO. The one who's starting to be disrespectful is the OP -she's disrespecting herself and her body if she continues to have intercourse with him knowing she's lying to herself about what she wants.

Yes he might know she has feelings for him. He might have feelings for her. He told her he wants a sexual arrangement and not a relationship. She is an adult and he's entitled to assume that she can handle her feelings within their sexual arrangement and if she can't that she will leave or tell him or do something.

But requiring a man (and it's usually the man) to tell an adult woman "I can't have sex with you anymore because you seem to have feelings for me and if I express caring feelings to you I'm afraid you'll start to assume I have changed my mind". He should feel comfortable knowing that he told her his boundaries, she told him her boundaries, and that if anything changes they'll communicate that clearly.

He's also a human being who is capable of compassion and empathy. He doesn't have to act like a human meat grinder. And of course it's not a requirement, but it's common courtesy and just plain human to extend decency and consideration towards other people. People are not always aware of their feelings or good at communicating them. A small amount of understanding goes a long way.

 

>>Well, inevitably, it's been about 2 months and I started having feelings for him. Mainly because unlike other FWB I've had, he texts me every day, he asks to see me every other day, we talk about our lives, and even spend the night together/snuggle. He even opened up to me about his past (a girl really hurt him), but remains adamant we are just friends, which I was fine with.

 

Last night we drank (a lot), and things got kind of weird. With newfound drunken confidence I told him that if we wanted this to continue, we needed to separate a bit more because it's getting hard for me to just keep this as sex when we seem to be getting close.

 

I guess I teared up a little bit because this triggers the dude to start full on crying. I was so confused at the time and we just kind of cried and laid down while our friends were like is going on. He admitted to having a small amount of feelings for me, but still not wanting more.

 

>>>When we woke up in the morning I asked him why he got upset. He kept trying to ignore the question, but eventually said he felt bad about me having feelings for him and getting upset, and that if I need him to pull away he will.

First paragraph -- I've never had an "FWB" is this typically how FWB's behave with each other? Heck, I know couples in actual "relationships" who don't interact that much!

His words and actions don't match, so yeah a bit of a mixed message there for sure.

That said -- last paragraph. He KNOWS how OP feels and what she wants, and offered to "pull back" if that's what she wanted and needed him to do. I give him a lot of credit for that, it shows he has integrity and a conscience. He is very aware his actions may have been misleading and taking responsibility for that. Giving OP the choice of whether to continue on, as is, or not.

In response, OP said "we agreed to let it go and even joked on the way home."

Translation: OP has accepted his terms, knowing full well he does not want a "relationship," therefore gotta agree with Batya on this one --- no he is *not* stringing her along, in my opinion.

To the OP, time to get honest with yourself. I think he does care about you, obviously, but nevertheless he's made it clear he does not want a full on "relationship" with you.

If you are ok with that, carry on. If not, move on.

It really is that simple.