FWB and BF

Hi all,

I have not posted here in a long time. Last year around this time I was going through a breakup and this site helped a lot. A little background, I was trying to heal from a 3 year relationship....after finally accepting I won't get back with him and incorporating NC, I was healing, and was able to meet new people. I met a guy, but realized he wanted a more FWB kind of thing after getting to know him for a month. Honestly, I felt so free then, was attracted to the guy, and wasn't looking for anything serious that I didn't mind. Anyway, my ex then (now bf) begged to get back with me, and confessed he made a mistake that he'd never make again. I still loved him even though I was finally healing, so I accepted him. This was all last summer. We became official in August 2017. I did not end my FWB with the other because we did not have feelings for each other and because we never talked consistently. It was more a once every two weeks, once a month kind of thing. But also, the main reason I did not end it is because I didn't trust my BF to not hurt me again. He flirted with girls in our previous relationship, so I assumed that after our honeymoon phase, he'd leave again. So I suppose I kept the FWB on the side in case.

I don't know what to do. I feel guilty because I give my BF a hard time about him still keeping in touch with his ex. She still flirts with him on his FB. So it gave me more reason to not end the FWB. But last night, I said to myself "ugh, this is not me! I am not one to cheat" and I texted the FWB and told him I have to confess something and that I have been seeing someone else. At first, he replied, and then ignored the next texts. He probably really does only see me sexually that maybe this is does not matter to him.

I should also mention that previously with my bf, we have already broken up before more than once. He's the one who ends it. So that is why I always see a breakup coming. And after being loyal for so long to him for the past 3 years and getting my heart broken, I played the game a little different this time.

Is something wrong with me? I do feel better after ending it last night with the FWB. I do love my boyfriend, and he has been a lot better with me. But I'm reaching a point where I am afraid of being too faithful because I believe in the end a guy will stray. But I do not want to grow into this person that cheats without realizing it. I do not want to be afraid of getting my heart broken again. I want to have a healthy mindset with my boyfriend.

I don't know what my question is in this thread, but I would appreciate any advice.

You're cheating on your bf. stop excusing your behavior.

You don't trust him so end it.

If you want a relationship end the FWB thing.

Move on from both.

Why stay in a relationship with someone you don't trust?

And a reason other than "but I LOVE him!", please.

You're cheating on your bf. stop excusing your behavior.

You don't trust him so end it.

 

If you want a relationship end the FWB thing.

 

Move on from both.

I am not excusing my behavior. I clearly admitted it. I also did end the FWB. I guess my question is how do I move on from this? I feel guilty, and I love my bf so much. My mistake was not ending the FWB on time because I did not think that my bf and I would ever get back together, let alone last more than a month. But we did.

Why stay in a relationship with someone you don't trust?

 

And a reason other than "but I LOVE him!", please.

I really do love him. And it's not that I don't trust him all of the time, but it's because he has ended it before. he's friendly with everyone he has dated before, and it's hard sometimes. I'm with him because I believe him when he tells me he's changed, but sometimes my thoughts creep in. But I do truly love him and want to better myself.

You do not trust him. It will not work.

I really do love him. And it's not that I don't trust him all of the time, but it's because he has ended it before. he's friendly with everyone he has dated before, and it's hard sometimes. I'm with him because I believe him when he tells me he's changed, but sometimes my thoughts creep in. But I do truly love him and want to better myself.

I give my BF a hard time about him still keeping in touch with his ex. She still flirts with him on his FB.

What about this behavior leads you to believe he's "changed"?

I give my BF a hard time about him still keeping in touch with his ex. She still flirts with him on his FB.

 

What about this behavior leads you to believe he's "changed"?

He's friends with her on FB, but he does not reply to her comments. I trust him because he does not reply to her comments, but the distrust comes in when I wonder why she is even commenting in the first place? Why does she feel comfortable to flirt with him? She wasn't a major ex, she was the girl he dated for 3 months while we were broken up.

He's friends with her on FB, but he does not reply to her comments. I trust him because he does not reply to her comments, but the distrust comes in when I wonder why she is even commenting in the first place? Why does she feel comfortable to flirt with him? She wasn't a major ex, she was the girl he dated for 3 months while we were broken up.

Is it possible he's doing what you did...hanging onto a "FWB" in case it doesn't work out with you?

In one breath you trust him, in the next breath you don't.

Which one is it?

Is it possible he's doing what you did...hanging onto a "FWB" in case it doesn't work out with you?

I don't know why he would worry it wouldn't work out with me when he's the one who leaves every time. if it doesn't work out, it would be because he left. the FWB guy was the only guy I talked to besides my bf in the past 3+years, and it only happened because I was finally ready to talk to someone else after the breakup. My only mistake is not ending it on time. But I have no feelings for the FWB, my heart is completely with my bf.

But when the girl he dated comments on FB, it's as if she still has feelings for him. But he says nothing is happening, he doesn't reply to her when she comments, and so it makes me believe him. But then I wonder if something is going on outside of FB because a girl will not keep commenting if a guy is forever ignoring her as he says.

Ahh.

In one breath you trust him, in the next breath you don't.

 

Which one is it?

It's honestly both. Is that possible? One minute I believe his words, and the next I tell myself "but he has left you before, wouldn't be shocking if he's talking to others".

I do my best to trust him, but how can I work on this trust thing? I do not want to wonder anymore.

It's honestly both. Is that possible? One minute I believe his words, and the next I tell myself "but he has left you before, wouldn't be shocking if he's talking to others".

 

I do my best to trust him, but how can I work on this trust thing? I do not want to wonder anymore.

You work on trust by dating someone who is trustworthy. Not someone who has left you several times and keeps in contact with exes.

How do you know he's not contacting her privately or behind PMs??? It screams red flag all over.

I should also mention that previously with my bf, we have already broken up before more than once. He's the one who ends it.

I think it's solid that you let your FWB know you are seeing someone. It would be a good thing if you started fresh with someone new sans flaky boyfriend and uncommitted Eff buddy.

You work on trust by dating someone who is trustworthy. Not someone who has left you several times and keeps in contact with exes.

Do I take his word for it when he says he is not in touch with any ex? When I say I love this guy, I really mean it. He's my first love, and I don't know if I am capable of ending it when I have no proof of him being unfaithful.

How do you know he's not contacting her privately or behind PMs??? It screams red flag all over.

I know, but I don't want to say "give me your phone I want to see for myself"...he always says "you don't trust me, I just want you to trust me and believe me"

Do I take his word for it when he says he is not in touch with any ex? When I say I love this guy, I really mean it. He's my first love, and I don't know if I am capable of ending it when I have no proof of him being unfaithful.

How many times has he already left you? And what was this "flirting with other girls" during your relationships?

If he's truly "changed" and wants to make it work this time, why is he still Facebook friends with women he used to date? Why does he leave their "flirty" comments on his page?

When you are on and off with someone it's natures way of telling you that you're with the wrong person.

 

I think it's solid that you let your FWB know you are seeing someone. It would be a good thing if you started fresh with someone new sans flaky boyfriend and uncommitted Eff buddy.

I do agree....last time we broke up, I was starting to heal and believed I was with the wrong person, but I couldn't kill the love I had for him, and once we got back together and he promised everything, I thought maybe it's possible. He left before when he had money problems and stress in his life (what he said), and now he communicates better when something is going on in his life.

The FWB buddy...I can say that I can definitely live my life without him. I had no feelings for him, just attraction.

I just don't know, I cannot break up with my bf...I can't see myself breaking his heart or leaving him, I would be way more heartbroken that he is probably. What I tell myself is that if he leaves this time, this would be the last time for me.

I know, but I don't want to say "give me your phone I want to see for myself"...he always says "you don't trust me, I just want you to trust me and believe me"

You got rid of the eff buddy now get rid of the flaky boyfriend. He's got zero romantic relationship boundaries and he expects you just to accept his social media shinanigans. He's not a good prospect for a LIFE partner. You know it and that is why you can't relax and just enjoy your relationship. Not too many would be able to with his history of flaking.

Don't let him dump you again. If you can't leave or the very good reasons he's already shown you then keep your eyes peeled for the same behaviour he showed before he left the other times and get yourself away from him by YOU breaking it off with him. Take back your personal power from him and start being the one in this relationship that holds all the power.

How many times has he already left you? And what was this "flirting with other girls" during your relationships?

 

If he's truly "changed" and wants to make it work this time, why is he still Facebook friends with women he used to date? Why does he leave their "flirty" comments on his page?

I have had this conversation with him a lot. His profile is very public and has many viral posts, and he always says it's not like him to block others and unfriend them. When I asked him to unfriend her, he said he won't because he wasn't with her for a long time and it wasn't serious, and unfriending her will it make look more serious than it is. He has many followers and friends on social media, that being friends with anyone on social media is not a big deal to him.

He tells me as long as he don't reply to flirty comments, he doesn't see the reason why I don't trust him. he always says "I can only control my actions, not what they do or write"

I have had this conversation with him a lot. His profile is very public and has many viral posts, and he always says it's not like him to block others and unfriend them. When I asked him to unfriend her, he said he won't because he wasn't with her for a long time and it wasn't serious, and unfriending her will it make look more serious than it is. He has many followers and friends on social media, that being friends with anyone on social media is not a big deal to him.

 

He tells me as long as he don't reply to flirty comments, he doesn't see the reason why I don't trust him. he always says "I can only control my actions, not what they do or write"

This does not sound like a man committed to true change OR to actually making the relationship work.

What it DOES sound like is a guy who has a zillion excuses to not only stay in contact with various women but to have the world see how little respect he has for you. I mean, anyone on his friend list can see these "flirty" comments! I guess it makes him look like an uber-stud but it also makes him look like a man who doesn't care much about your feelings.

Why choose to stay with someone like that? Do you want to live like this forever, with all this fear and stress and anxiety? Yes, you are too living like that. It's a lousy way to live.

You got rid of the eff buddy now get rid of the flaky boyfriend. He's got zero romantic relationship boundaries and he expects you just to accept his social media shinanigans. He's not a good prospect for a LIFE partner. You know it and that is why you can't relax and just enjoy your relationship. Not too many would be able to with his history of flaking.

 

Don't let him dump you again. If you can't leave or the very good reasons he's already shown you then keep your eyes peeled for the same behaviour he showed before he left the other times and get yourself away from him by YOU breaking it off with him. Take back your personal power from him and start being the one in this relationship that holds all the power.

He's a good bf in other ways. He's there for me and is affectionate, good listener, etc. Only arguments we have are about his social media.

I can't see myself having the strength to break it off....how do I deal with it? I already feel like crying just imagining leaving him and not having him in my life.

I tried to break it off before, when we first started dating again this last time. My heart couldn't take it. We stayed broken up for a day before I realized I said everything in the heat of the moment. So I don't trust myself...I want to end it when I am sure I am capable of sticking to my word. When I am sure he will never change, and that he is not the one completely.

I just want to trust him for now, while also keeping my individuality and being cautious. I'm always focusing on the signs, always trying to protect myself, but I want to relax as well.

Seems impossible.

This does not sound like a man committed to true change OR to actually making the relationship work.

 

What it DOES sound like is a guy who has a zillion excuses to not only stay in contact with various women but to have the world see how little respect he has for you. I mean, anyone on his friend list can see these "flirty" comments! I guess it makes him look like an uber-stud but it also makes him look like a man who doesn't care much about your feelings.

 

Why choose to stay with someone like that? Do you want to live like this forever, with all this fear and stress and anxiety? Yes, you are too living like that. It's a lousy way to live.

It's because he has viral posts, and many people have many followers after becoming viral. His posts and videos are mainly comedy-based. The comments girls send are compliments mostly. The compliments that bother me are only from girls he has talked to before, and as of right now, it's the last girl he has talked to. And she also comments normal comments.

I can't focus on what he posts and who comments every time when it's social media and not every follower or comment has a meaning, but I admit, I always wonder.

I completely agree, I am living with stress and anxiety, but is it because I make a small deal out of nothing and have trust issues or is it really because of him?

I want a solution that doesn't include a breakup. But if breaking up is the best option, how do I become strong enough to do it? He is a sweet boyfriend in a lot of ways. Social media is the only problem.

It's honestly both. Is that possible?

No, it's not possible for it to be both, and you're not being honest. The whole reason you kept the FWB was because you didn't trust your boyfriend. It's right there in plain english and now you're trying to deny it because you don't like the solution that is offered.

But also, the main reason I did not end it is because I didn't trust my BF to not hurt me again. He flirted with girls in our previous relationship, so I assumed that after our honeymoon phase, he'd leave again. So I suppose I kept the FWB on the side in case.

There are huge issues with honesty here. Your boyfriend isn't trustworthy and neither are you. If you want to have a healthy mindset, you must get honest with yourself and face reality.