The age issue..

I put down different age in my dating profile- I look very young and I take of myself, somehow my age causes me anxiety - always and irrationally. I'm a late bloomer and haven't dated until 7 years ago.

So I am 40, I put down 34, I look 32 like a model - still take part in runway shows.

I saw this man whom I really like for two dates. And for third I suggested we go to an exhibition he mentioned. This is what he wrote me back:

"Hi Levi. It's a good idea, but I already made plans with a friend to see that exhibit. Separately, I should ask you a question. From something you said the other day, I inferred that your profile might have understated your age. It's important to me to understand that. Please forgive me if the profile is right; but I decided I should just ask you."

If I reply and say my profile is incorrect- he will be put off - I feel what he wrote .. he is rejecting me so I'd be in a better spot not to reply at all...

I don't really know what to do.. he himself is 47.. so 7 years my senior, yet he may want someone a lot younger.

You lied and you need to own it.

Why start off any future relationships on a lie?

If someone lied to me about something, including their age, I would stop dating them... no matter how good looking they are.

You lied and you need to own it.

 

Why start off any future relationships on a lie?

 

If someone lied to me about something, including their age, I would stop dating them... no matter how good looking they are.

It's not about me being good looking. What do you mean I need to own it? What you are saying is that either way - it's not good outcome so I won't answer.

If you begin a relationship with a lie, expect your partner to suspect you of lying about everything.

I look younger than my age, but I tell everyone what my age really is. I'm kind of proud to look young and feel no need to be ashamed of how old I really am.

Why are you ashamed of your real age?

It's not about me being good looking. What do you mean I need to own it? What you are saying is that either way - it's not good outcome so I won't answer.

Exactly, it’s not. But you seem to be under the impression that since you’re good looking, you can get away with lying.

That’s not true.

By “own it”, I mean own your age. Stop lying. And come clean to this guy.

If you begin a relationship with a lie, expect your partner to suspect you of lying about everything.

 

I look younger than my age, but I tell everyone what my age really is. I'm kind of proud to look young and feel no need to be ashamed of how old I really am.

 

Why are you ashamed of your real age?

I don't know why I'm ashamed. I felt this way when I was 10 and 11 and 12 and 25 and 30 and 38. I really don't understand.

Exactly, it’s not. But you seem to be under the impression that since you’re good looking, you can get away with lying.

 

That’s not true.

 

By “own it”, I mean own your age. Stop lying. And come clean to this guy.

Come clean to the guy - I can and I usually say so on the first date. I got carried away and I forgot. It is my fault. If I say now - will or change anything? I doubt it

Come clean to the guy - I can and I usually say so on the first date. I got carried away and I forgot. It is my fault. If I say now - will or change anything? I doubt it

Stop lying in your profile!! If you come clean on the first date, what do you gain???

I would stop dating you - first date or third. Lying is unacceptable.

And so is rampant insecurity. You’re obviously insecure about this and that’s so not sexy

If you can't figure out why you're ashamed, you can't really have an honest relationship with anyone. Because that shame will color everything you do.

Maybe hold off on dating until you feel confident enough to be able to state your true age.

And there will be plenty of men who will say "Wow! You look FANTASTIC! No one would ever guess you're 40!" Nothing like a terrific, confident 40s woman. Think of all the celebrities in their 40s. No one shames them, they admire them for being confident and amazing.

BTW, I am 50s, look 40s and get compliments all the time. I actually think it's fun.

If you can't figure out why you're ashamed, you can't really have an honest relationship with anyone. Because that shame will color everything you do.

 

Maybe hold off on dating until you feel confident enough to be able to state your true age.

 

And there will be plenty of men who will say "Wow! You look FANTASTIC! No one would ever guess you're 40!" Nothing like a terrific, confident 40s woman. Think of all the celebrities in their 40s. No one shames them, they admire them for being confident and amazing.

 

BTW, I am 50s, look 40s and get compliments all the time. I actually think it's fun.

Well yes it's true - socially Now I'm ok to say my age, dating wise for the dating apps - people search for younger and I'm not the only one - men do it too - put down another age.

But now with this man... is there any way for me to fix it?

Well yes it's true - socially Now I'm ok to say my age, dating wise for the dating apps - people search for younger and I'm not the only one - men do it too - put down another age.

 

 

But now with this man... is there any way for me to fix it?

Well, other people shoplift, cheat on their partners, steal from their families...doesn't mean it's a good thing to do. Honesty is always its own best reward.

You must be honest with him and if he chooses to walk away it will be a lesson learned to never lie to people. If he gives you another chance, resolve to never lie again and be scrupulously honest with him going forward. But it's his choice.

Well, other people shoplift, cheat on their partners, steal from their families...doesn't mean it's a good thing to do. Honesty is always its own best reward.

 

You must be honest with him and if he chooses to walk away it will be a lesson learned to never lie to people. If he gives you another chance, resolve to never lie again and be scrupulously honest with him going forward. But it's his choice.

That's a good advice, my feeling is he already walked away, no?

I'm otherwise a very good human being, I don't cheat on my partner, I'm kind and I have good relationships with my parents and my sisters kids, I work very hard.

That's a good advice, my feeling is he already walked away, no?

 

I'm otherwise a very good human being, I don't cheat on my partner, I'm kind and I have good relationships with my parents and my sisters kids, I work very hard.

Then you have nothing to be ashamed of.

You're bringing this shame on yourself. I'm pretty sure no one is pointing at you shouting "Go away, old lady!" LOL

Accept yourself and be proud of who you are.

levie, these days if a person has your full name it's very easy to do a search on google or other search engine to find out about you -- your age, where you live, even where you work.

So I think he already knows your true age and is giving you the opportunity to come clean. You have no choice but to tell him the truth. Just explain you are insecure about it, and hope he accepts that.

It's either that or just stop seeing him; that way you won't have to deal with the issue at all.

Going forward, don't ever lie about your age or anything else, because since the birth of the Internet, again it's quite easy for someine to do a search and find out the truth.

And more and people are doing just that too, especially when meeting on line.

levie, these days if a person has your full name it's very easy to do a search on google or other search engine to find out about you -- your age, where you live, even where you work.

 

So I think he already knows your true age and is giving you the opportunity to come clean.

Good point.

Even if it wasn't the case, I think you should tell him instead of fade out. It's the respectful thing to do. Plus, honesty keeps everything simple.

Lying about age on a dating profile was a dealbreaker for me -there is no wiggle room as it asks your age, period (meaning sometimes especially men get measured with shoes on etc so 1-2 inches off on height could happen and not be an outright lie). I started using dating websites in my mid 30s and looked much younger. Being honest about my age meant many men who didn't want to have the biological clock issue screened me out -I wasn't upset -that's their choice, understandable -but if I had lied like you I probably could have gotten away with it. I also couldn't stand the manipulation of putting a different age on the profile and "confessing" later on so that the person could get into more searches. Ick.

Two of my friends married/got engaged to men who lied to me about their ages. It was fine with them I suppose. IMO a man of character and integrity will not want to date someone who lies about her age on a dating site (yes in the past women would lie about their age in one sense or another when they met men in real life -and that is bad too -but it's worse IMO on a dating site which asks your specific age and asks for a reason).

With this man I would simply apologize for lying to him and apologize if you wasted his time and say you'd really appreciate another chance , to start off on the right foot. I would not justify your lie in the least.

Edited to add -there is no age issue at all on dating sites. It asks for your age. You give your age. The end.

If you start off a relationship on a lie don't be upset then when he decides to lie back. The whole point is, honesty is key in a relationship and it's not worth it to lie, lies will always catch up with you somehow.

Is it possible now to fix things with this man? Who knows? But either way you have to admit you lied and see what he says.

Well yes it's true - socially Now I'm ok to say my age, dating wise for the dating apps - people search for younger and I'm not the only one - men do it too - put down another age.

 

 

But now with this man... is there any way for me to fix it?

Lol men do lie about their age! My last ex was 51 when we met, he thought I was about 24, and so he told me he was 36. This man looked darn hot for his age somehow. Anyway...... I honestly believed him lol but when I told him my age, he came clean, but still he always thought he was way too old for me. He was insecure about the gap. Now knowing guys on those dating profiles sometimes do want younger women, then why lie? You don't want a man to think you're younger, then find out differently. Is it that you are trying to attract younger guys, so you lie?

You need to start off with the truth. You can't lie about your age, or they'll wonder what else you are lying about. I'm 42, and I've gotten many online hits from guys my age and older. Don't worry, you'll be fine. But if you lie about your age, then eventually end up in a relationship with someone, what do you do then? A year down the line when your birthday comes, you lie about what age you are turning? You can't do that. Just be truthful and everything will be fine.

You're not doing yourself any favors. If you're not proud enough of who you are to simply BE who you are, then you're just setting yourself up for a high anxiety game of hide and seek.

I'd rather meet with people who expect my elderly ass to be, well, elderly, only to stun them with my youthful fabulousness than to set up people who expect a teeny-bopper only to confess that I'm not only older, but also a liar.

Skip that, it makes no sense.

You are 40 and you haven't yet learned the cardinal rule to never ever lie? Why wouldn't you be proud of your age? That IS where you are right now. Plus if you put 34 then you meet these people or fall in love don't you think you have to tell them sooner or later?? You should be fully honest. You would rather have someone hate you for who you are than have someone love you for something you are not

He's being polite. But clearly doesn't want to see you again. Had you been honest he most likely would a 40 y/o. It sounds like he's not looking "for someone younger" but a woman who is sincere and confident.

From something you said the other day, I inferred that your profile might have understated your age.

You're not doing yourself any favors. If you're not proud enough of who you are to simply BE who you are, then you're just setting yourself up for a high anxiety game of hide and seek.

 

I'd rather meet with people who expect my elderly ass to be, well, elderly, only to stun them with my youthful fabulousness than to set up people who expect a teeny-bopper only to confess that I'm not only older, but also a liar.

 

Skip that, it makes no sense.

I don't think she has to be proud but that would be nice of course. I think she has to show the common courtesy of not misleading people and wasting their sparse free time by having the person put in the time and effort to meet her only to find out she's a liar about a basic fact about herself. How would you like it if you spent time meeting someone only to find out he was still married? I had my time wasted many times by men who lied about their age- sometimes it was just a 20 minute phone call (me: I've had bad experiences with men who lie about their age" person: uh uh what age did I put on my profile?" -real conversation, real goodbye to that medical doctor after finding that out). Luckily I don't think, because of google, I ever actually met the person but it's possible. And very unfair to the person who wastes his or her time.

He's being polite. But clearly doesn't want to see you again. Had you been honest he most likely would a 40 y/o. It sounds like he's not looking "for someone younger" but a woman who is sincere and confident.

I agree.

Still it would be good practise for you to reply to him an equally polite message saying yes, you lied about your age and you are sorry.

Hopefully you won't keep lying on the profile . This was a man you really liked. Lesson learned or no??

What's odd is that at 40, she IS younger! He's 48.

I suspect if he had been 60, 20 years older, she still would have lied.

OP also said she looks 35, which makes her need to lie all the more baffling.

I sort of understand it though. She's not the only woman who has lied about her age. Doesn't make it right, just sayin.

Women have been lying about their age since forever! Men too!

But as I said, it's so easy nowadays for anyone to find out one's age, so it's really just not smart to do anymore.